555-KACL by Patrick Councilor

Frasier stood in the hallway outside his booth, tossing peanut M&Ms into his mouth one at a time as he leaned against the wall in deep thought. He really didn't want to be here today. He missed being in a solid relationship. "What do you do Frasier?" the voice inside him said. "When life gives you lemons, make lemon-aid." He cracked a forced half-smile. "Then why do I feel like I just sucked on a lemon?"

Gary's voice boomed over the PA, "And welcome back to the Frasier Crane Show."

Frasier bounded away from the wall and pushed himself through the doorway of his booth as Gary stalled for time.

"Please call in. We've got plenty of lines open."

Frasier took his seat and dropped his bag of candy on the counter to sling his head set back over his ears. He slapped the console button. "We're back. And we have Spencer on the line. If you're just tuning in, you haven't missed much…" Frasier just realize that that comment sounded like he was insulting himself – that the show was not worth listening to. "…I mean… Spencer and I are just getting started here. Thanks for waiting on hold Spencer, while we went to commercial."

"Hey moron, thanks for that." The sarcasm was strong in his voice. "It's not like my time is important or anything."

"Spencer, in the field of psychology, 'moron' is no longer in technical use. It is considered offensive, so let's refrain from the name calling so that we may get to the root of your problem. I am here to help you and 'I'm listening'."

The caller took a deep breath. "I… I'm sorry Dr. Crane. Lately, I'm out of sorts and don't seem to have any patience with my mother-in-law."

"Spencer, do you talk to your mother in this manner?"

"About every chance I get. That old bitty!" His voice started to rage.

"Spencer, take a deep breath. I don't know what could cause your anger to thrive so quickly."

"She leaves her panty hose hanging on the shower rod."

"Ah, so she's staying with you. Well, I'm sure you have expressed yourself with her," he commented on how vocal he was, "but have you talked to her in a civil manner, face to face, without the rages of anger and name-calling."

"Name-calling? Hell, those are pet names for her and I've got about a million of them for her. But… no, we haven't really sat down and talked."

"Are the times with her, the only times you get so angered?"

"Lately, it seems like I'm angered all the time. Just yesterday, I yelled at the lady at the drive-thru for taking too long with the car in front of me."

"Now yelling at the lady, did that help your situation? Did you get better service or did that take away from the time you could have been placing your own order?"

"I…" The man started to sob. "I guess it didn't do much but make her cry. This isn't me doc. Could you tell me how to get rid of my mother-in-law?"

"Spencer, listen to me. Beyond psychology, speaking to you as someone who cares about your well-being, I feel that you are not calling in about your mother-in-law. If you listen to your own words, you may realize that you're actually calling in about yourself."

Spencer's voice dropped solemnly. "You think so."

"Spencer, did you interact with the lady at the drive thru after dealing with your mother-in-law? You may not have even realized how you sounded when you just called in and in your own words, you did say, 'This isn't me'."

He tried to compose himself. "You're good. You are good. You are very good. You're right. I don't want to treat people like this. I'm starting to hate myself."

"You admitting it and realizing it is the first step to recovery. Getting angry so quickly at those levels are doing more harm to your own health than where you are directing it. Next time you feel yourself losing your temper, take a long deep breath and let it out. Tell yourself that it's not worth jeopardizing your own health."

"You're a genius doc. I'm going to tell more people about you."

"Now I'll put you on hold and Gary will give you a list of things to try and if you'd like to start anger management sessions, I'll provide Gary with the name of a specialist that…"

"No," Spencer cut him off. "Please doc. Let me start now. I'll do the breathing thing, but can you suggest more. I want to try them now. I need your help. Please."

Frasier felt the man's desperation. "Very well Spencer. You need some practice with patience. One way we can practice this is for me to put you on hold while I take a call and then I will get back with you to see how you're doing."

"Love it! Love it doc! You are the greatest. You're the best. Put me on hold. I can do this."

"Hang in there Spencer, I'll be back with you after I take another call."

"Thanks doc."

Frasier put him on hold. "Gary, who…" Something on the console caught Frasier's eye. It was a new cup of coffee. It was in a carry-out cup from Café Nervosa. "…Who do we have next?" He took a hold of the cup. It was warm and fresh.

"We have Brenda on line two. She's calling from Puyallup. She's thinking about changing her career."

Frasier smelled the coffee. A wonderful roast of a magnificent blend arose from it. He took a small sip. Just the way he liked it. He hit the cough button. "Gary, where did this coffee come from?" Releasing the button, he said in the same breath, "Hello Brenda. I'm listening."

Gary hit the cough button. "Some lady dropped it off." He shook his head like he didn't know who she was.

Some lady, eh? Did Frasier have a secret admirer? Ha! Whoever it was, she sure knew what he liked.

"Doctor Crane, I'm in a healthy relationship and I love my job, but I find myself day dreaming about starting my own business… maybe somewhere else, like another city somewhere."

Ah, who was he kidding? A secret admirer. He was still picking up the pieces of his shattered heart. It seemed the more time that passed, the more he missed her. It was starting to affect his sleep and his appetite. If he could split himself into two, he may even call into his own show. Perhaps he should call his brother Niles and get some advice. "Well Brenda, starting a new business is a big step. To break even within the first year without any profits is considered successful when starting a new business. It sounds like your current job and relationship is going well. Is this new job something you've thought about for a long time or just recently?" He took a drink. The coffee was good though.

"I've been dreaming about it for years. I'm a bank manager and find myself doing research on this new business every spare moment that I get. Am I thinking logically or am I just not feeling challenged?"

"Well perhaps. If you have so much time to do this research during your job, that is a good sign that you may not feel challenged enough. Tell me about your relationship." Like I really want to hear about a successful relationship, he smugly thought.

"Todd and I have been seeing each other for almost two years now. He's great. He's romantic. We may be in love."

"Two years is quite a bit of time to use the phrase 'may be'. Do you think he may be the one?"

"I don't know Dr. Crane. When I use the word 'Love', I think it will be in reference to my soul mate."

"I see. Do you see yourself with him in five years from now? Ten years?"

"Wow, you put it that way and it puts things into perspective." She paused. "Yes… yes, I could see myself with him."

"Have you told him about this dream of starting your new business?"

"Well… no, not yet."

"And why is that?"

"I'm… not sure."

"Brenda, this business sounds like an escape hatch. You mentioned possibly starting it in a new city. You haven't told your significant other about this idea. If this has been an ongoing dream of yours, your gentleman should support you. On the other hand, if this is 'An Out' reserved to make a major change in your life, it may be subconscious. If I may ask, are your parents still together?"

"Yes, they're together. They've been happily married for over forty years now."

"Perhaps you have a fear of commitment. May I be so bold to ask what this new business would be?"

"A bar. I wanted to open a bar. I'm afraid to tell Todd. I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I mean from a bank manager to being an owner of a bar. It sounds crazy to say it out loud."

"Brenda, Sigmund Freud once said, 'Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy'."

"Thanks Doctor Crane. I appreciate that. I mean, going from a job where I'm almost pulling in six figures with the commissions and stock options to becoming a bar owner… well it would be more like a nice little tavern where people could come and get a drink to unwind."

"I have a very good friend in Boston who owns a bar."

"So I should tell Todd."

"Certainly, confide in him. It's the next step to fulfilling your dream."

"Thanks Doctor Crane, you don't think it's a crazy idea, do you?"

"Oh, I didn't say that." He pursed his fingers over the call button. "Thank you for your call." He disconnected. Taking another drink from the wonderful cup of coffee, he then announced, "Let's check back in with Spencer." He slapped the button for line four. "How we doing Spenc?"

It was as if the connection had caught Spencer ranting to himself while on hold. "You winded ass-bag!"

"Spencer!" Frasier's voice as accusing.

"Sorry Doctor Crane. I'm trying – I'm trying." He took a deep breath and then was silent.

"Spencer no. Take a deep breath in and slowly let it out. Holding your breath will only make you pass out."

He exhaled. "Wow, thanks doc. I would have been up the creek if I didn't get that straightened out."

"Are you okay now?"

"Sure. I won't forget you for this. You are the king of psychology. Hey doc, can I go again? I need the practice."

"Certainly Spencer. I'll put you on hold again." Frasier did so. "You're listening to KACL 780 on your AM dial. Who's next Gare?"

"We have Kathy on line three calling from Seattle. She's having a steamy affair."

"Just what I need," he said sarcastically… OVER THE AIR… oops. Ah, what the hell? he thought. He hit line three. "Kathy, you're on the air with Doctor Frasier Crane. How can I help you?"

"Doctor Crane," a sexy voice called out. "I'm torn between two lovers."

Oh great, Frasier thought. Who am I to give advise to? I can't even hold on to a relationship. You've called Dr. Frasier 'Ain't-Gettin'-Any' Crane.