Seven Years Later Hilal had missed Platform 9¾. She had missed the commotion, the bustle, the air of cordiality; it was nothing like Beauxbatons, where everything was prominent and prestigious (a little too prestigious for Hilal; another reason why she had longed for Hogwarts). France had a much-needed diversion, but she was glad to be back for her seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry after an academic year away. She cast an eye around the platform for any sign of her friends. Hilal had already run into a group of sixth-years who were nauseatingly and perceptibly whispering, their eyes stinging holes into her back. She knew people were talking. People had been talking since her unexplained disappearance last year. Let them talk, she thought, rolling her eyes at this immature matter. Honestly, she pondered, all these kids are good for is gossip. Hilal still couldn't spot any of her friends- Remus, Peter, Sirius, nor James. However, soon enough, Hilal noticed Lily Evans' flaming red hair from a distance, in the midst of the crowd of separating families and reunited friends, and called out Lily's name a couple of times, before Lily finally spun around, and watched as Hilal walked up to her, tugging her trunk, blonde waves cascading down her shoulders, a grin adorning her lips, moving with her usual air of poise and appeal. The two girls hugged briefly, tension arresting their bodies, and the awkwardness ensued. "Hilal. It's been so long; how are you?" Lily's formality was like a slap in the face for Hilal. Sure, she knew things would be different. She had, after all, left for a whole entire year without even telling anyone, and had not replied to any letters her friends sent her throughout the year, but it was for a reason. However, Lily was the only one who had replied to the letter Hilal had sent at the end of the summer holidays, informing her friends that she will be back at Hogwarts. She had not heard back from Sirius, Peter, James, or even Remus, the one whom she thought might be the first to understand. "I'm good… glad to be back." Hilal and Lily stood there, gauchely, both pairs of eyes scanning around through the commotion, probably hoping to spot an excuse to leave the other's presence. It's not like they hated each other. On the contrary, they were very good friends. Hilal and Lily had shared a dormitory (along with Marlene McKinnon and Alice Prewett) since their first year at Hogwarts, and even though Hilal was best friends with the marauders, she sometimes preferred female company, and Lily was there for her when the boys couldn't be. Despite Hilal's mischievous ways and eccentricity- and her tight friendship with Sirius and James, whom Lily could barely stand- Lily liked Hilal. But Lily was confused as to how she was supposed to act around Hilal, after her mysterious departure and spontaneous reappearance. Hilal broke the silence first. "I'm gonna go find my friends…" "Yeah, I better find Alice and Marlene… it was nice to see you." Lily bit her lip. "You too, Lils, say hi to Marley and Alice..." Hilal said, and Lily nodded and forced a smile. She looked a bit puzzled before waving and walking away, and Hilal wanted to punch a wall. Of course, she knew things wouldn't automatically go back to normal, but she at least hoped Lily would be excited to see her. After all, Lily was the only one, out of all of Hilal's close friends, to have actually replied to Hilal's 'I'm coming back to Hogwarts!' letter. It was time to board the train, and Hilal gave up on finding her friends, guessing they have already gotten on the train. She felt some sort of fleeting emancipation as a result of this temporary delay to see her friends. Even though Hilal hated admitting it, she was extremely nervous. She wandered past each compartment on the train, glancing at every single one, a part of her hoping she would see her friends in the next one, another, maybe smaller part, wished she would continue walking forever, never finding them or anyone else, for that matter. She often felt like that- the need to be alone forever, to make the world go away and just be by herself. Ironically, she also hated being lonesome. It was a feeling that would constantly consume her insides sometimes, even when she was in a crowded room. I'm officially off the rails, she thought. As if it was something she didn't know before… Hilal hated acknowledging her fears, especially to herself, but she was terrified at the moment. She didn't know how her friends would act around her. After a year… a whole year. Who knows what had happened? Is James still playing quidditch? Is he still pining for Lily? Is Sirius still the same with his women? How are things with his family? Has Remus found himself a girlfriend (or, who knows, a boyfriend, even)? Did Peter finally muster up the courage to ask Alaina Bass, a pretty Ravenclaw, out on a date? Are the boys even still a tight-knitted group? Of course they are, they're the marauders. Correction- we're the marauders. But are they still? Would they still accept Hilal after her unexplained disappearance? "Hilal?" It was Sirius, standing in front of her, about to enter a compartment. He looked good. Really good, actually. He grew taller, and his hair got messier- if such a thing was even possible. She pressed her lips together to form an awkward, forced smile, and leaned in to hug him. "Hey, Padfoot." She hoped using his nickname- the one only the marauders were allowed to use- would ease the rigidity of the situation. Dissimilar to Hilal's fears, Sirius enfolded her into his arms, returning the hug, and she let her head rest on his shoulder, inhaling his scent- sandalwood, musk, and smoke; it was so… Sirius. She almost giggled at how that sounded in her head (the marauders were constantly making puns when it came to Sirius Black's name), but swallowed her laughter when Sirius' arms dropped to his sides once more. "I've missed you, Hilal." He scratched the back of his head. Hilal flinched. He said it forcedly, as if he had to. Not like he was actually missing her. "Oh, Sirius, I've missed you too." "How are you? It's been… a while." Jeez… can you get any more awkward, Padfoot? Hilal internally rolled her eyes, something she had probably done fifty times today. She was way too close to James, Remus, Peter, and Sirius for small talk… and here he is, asking how she is. Fine, she's going to say. Isn't that the answer people hope to hear when they ask you how you are? What else is one supposed to say? "I'm splendid, Sirius. Where's everyone else?" He cocked his head to the side, gesturing towards the compartment that they were standing right outside of. James, Peter, and Remus sat, looking outside the window and not speaking. Hilal knew that they have seen her (otherwise they would be carelessly chatting away and snickering), but have chosen not to say hello, and her eyes turned into icicles. "They don't seem happy to see me." Sirius' face flushed with some emotion Hilal could not indicate. "Well… Hilal, you've been gone for-" Hilal didn't let him continue. Scowling, she the slid the compartment door open. "Hilal!" Remus got up first, always the light-hearted one, and embraced her. She could still feel him grow tense, therefore she moved away from him slightly. He smiled at her, the sort of smile that made her chest tight, because of how false it was. James and Peter both also gave her strained, unnatural smiles and leaned in to give her hasty embraces. Hilal twiddled her crescent charm necklace in between her thumb and index finger; something she usually does when she's edgy. She sat between James and Peter, crossing her legs a bit too formally, and Sirius followed suit, sitting across from her, next to Remus. "So, Hilal… How was your sixth year?" Sirius casually wondered. Hilal foresaw where this conversation could go, and sighed. Biting her bottom lip, she replied, "It was okay. I really missed you guys…" The Hogwarts Express took off, as they could tell from the irritatingly audible screech of iron-against-iron, signaling the train's advance onto the railway. Parents were waving through the windows, until the platform was no longer in sight. After an uncomfortable silence, Hilal added, "Beauxbatons was too… prestigious for me." She admitted, running a hand through her blonde hair. "Oh, you were at Beauxbatons?" James asked. Hilal's eyebrows furrowed. "Um… yeah. I told you guys in my letters." "Oh, the letter you sent to each one of us only a couple days before school started? After not making any contact with us since the end of fifth year? I just skimmed through that one." Sirius snapped. Lupin glanced cautiously back and forth between the two. "Sirius." He warned, "That was rude." "Oh, no, Remus, its fine." Hilal snapped. "Padfoot can speak his mind. You were saying?" She spat Sirius' nickname with such venom, hence, for a moment, eliminating its sentimental connotation, and all the memorable merriment and joy associated with it. Peter looked as if he would rather be anywhere but here. Sirius and James were frowning, but were watching Hilal callously, as if a million hurtful words and accusations were building up in their throat, ready to jump off their lips. "We all have quite a lot to say, actually, Hilal. But we'd rather not make you cry." James muttered coldly. "JAMES!" Remus half-yelled, causing Peter to jump. He warily glanced at Hilal. "What on earth is wrong with you!?" Hilal asked, a lump in her throat. James got up on his feet. "What's wrong with us? What's wrong with you!?" He roared, glaring at her through his spectacles. "Do you have any idea how any of us felt when we wrote to your mother on the first day of sixth year, asking her where you were? Do you have any idea what we felt when your mother said to us, 'oh, didn't she tell you? Hilal moved to fucking FRANCE!'" "You're being insensitive, James-" Remus started, but James cut him off. "I'm being insensitive? She left, Remus! She left for a whole year without a single word, and only decided to contact us a couple days ago? I think that's pretty insensitive." "I had my reasons, James!" Sirius decided to speak up. "Enlighten us, then. Why the hell did you leave us like that?!" "Look… I-I can't explain-" "No, Hilal! I'm done! We're done." Sirius exclaimed. Hilal rose to her feet, and so did Sirius. Remus did as well, for no reason whatsoever. "You guys have no idea. No idea what I've been through. You can't criticize me for this. It's not like I wanted to leave!" Sirius sighed, and Hilal was hoping a feeling of resignation was settling over him, and he would finally stop yelling accusations, but her hopes withered when he spoke again. "What you've been through? What about what we've been through, Hilal? My parents kicked me out, Snape almost figured out Moony's secret… Dumbledore wouldn't tell us anything! We spent all of last year thinking something so bad happened to you that you had to leave Hogwarts, the safest place in the world, and I hated myself because I couldn't- we couldn't- do anything to help you!" "I needed to get away, Sirius. I had to-" "Get away? Get. Away?" He was getting more and more furious, and his rage came in the form of a growing voice, flushed cheeks, and heavy breaths. People were stopping outside the cubicle to watch. "What? You got bored of life at Hogwarts and decided to just leave? With no explanations? You're so goddamn selfish, Hilal!" "I'm selfish?" She spat. "I'm the selfish one? You have no idea why I did what I did, yet you're judging me just because you want a reason to be mad for my departure?" Remus got in between them. "Hilal, look, we were all confused when you left-" "Confused!" James cut in. "That's a great word. There's certainly a lot of that going on. You won't even tell us why you left!" "I told you, I can't explain." Hilal said, crossing her arms so tightly it seemed as if she could never untangle them. "Bullshit!" Sirius shouted. "You can't even trust us with this and you expect us to forgive you? To pretend as if all this never happened?" James saw the look on Hilal's face, and softened. If one more person shouted she might burst into tears, which is not the Hilal Lockwood thing to do. "You left. You left us for a whole year without any letters, any explanations, anything. You can't just come back, and hope we'd let it go, and everything would go back to normal." He was still angry, Hilal knew, but she also knew James was a decent person at heart, and he regretted yelling at her. She glanced down at the still-seated Peter, as if urging him to come to her defense; but, being Peter Pettigrew, he just nervously looked down and pretended as if the chocolate stain on his shirt was more interesting than this argument. Her eyes shifted to Remus, one eyebrow raised. He hesitated at first, and then said nothing. The look in his eyes-broken and confused- made Hilal both furious yet miserable. "Fine… I'll be off, then, seeing as I'm clearly not needed nor wanted here." Hilal slipped the compartment door open, and exited, glaring coldly at the crowd of students clustered outside. "Move. Show's over- nothing left to see." Hilal could hear the sound of her own heartbeat as she nudged her way through the small throng of snooping students, getting as far away as possible from the people she once believed would be there for her no matter what. After the Great Feast, Hilal went up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room, feeling a sort of longing in her chest. There was also no denying the knot at the pit of her stomach, due to this being her last commencing feast at Hogwarts. Similarly to her nostalgia, Hilal also felt lonesomeness. Seclusion was a feeling that Hilal was very acquainted with. She was lonely on her train ride to France this time last year- actually, Hilal's sixth year consisted of nothing but loneliness and desolation, in its entirety (all the Beauxbatons girls were too prim and proper to take pleasure in Hilal's part macabre, part sexual sense of humor, vulgar language, and numerous pranks and escapades). She was lonely that one Christmas in second year when everyone went home and she had to stay back because her mother was working and couldn't stay with her. But this was different. It was the most wretched feeling in the world, as Hilal had sat a couple feet away from the marauders, who were eating and chatting excitedly. Yet, she knew the tension from the fight was still hanging over them. She could feel Sirius' eyes peek over at her every couple of seconds. She knew he felt remorseful- it was unlike him to yell like that, especially when at Hilal, (sure, sometimes Hilal would provide as the role of a punching bag when Sirius was angry about something. He would punch walls and cry and scream, and she would listen, wordlessly, before walking with him to the kitchens to get something to eat, or making him laugh- anything, to cheer him up). But this wasn't like before, when she felt deserted because no one was there. At that instant, her friends were right here, but she couldn't even rejoice at their yearned-for presence, their ease, their blissful ambiances… It was like what she needed was right there, but she didn't have the strength nor the ability to fight for it back. She had never fought with the marauders before. Sure, they argued over who had the best hair, who should go first on Sirius' firebolt, who could go under the invisibility cloak with James (the five of them didn't fit altogether)… but it was never as serious as this. Hilal thought this was the worst kind of loneliness she had ever been acquainted with.