21-2-2011

I hate him.. I finally became to hate him.. not a little .. but too much
I cant take it that I most live around him anymore.. to see him .. to hear his voice.. everything about him makes me angry, I mean .. everything about him is disgusting..
I don't know how did I have such feelings toward someone like THAT
I would scream.. I would cry.. I would do whatever.. but not to have the slightest feeling for him..
"if I came to love, I would only love someone like you"
such a liar..
if only I can scream and tell him that I know what he done
if only I can slap his face
if only I can show him how I feel RIGHT NOW at the moment
nothing of what Im feeling inside would be here as it is..
with all of what im holding inside, I never even opened my mouth
I don't know why I didn't hate him when Goenji told me about THAT, but now I do
you may ask why?
I guess you better know
that happened just few days ago, the whole team had a free day from practice and we decided to hang out somewhere, as the girls insisted to go to the amusement park, we, the boys, didn't have even a moment to reject, and so we went there
everyone was busy, me as well, I was searching for a gift for someone, and I didn't tell anyone, only two of the team know my secret, THAT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, of course goenji was first to know, but the other one is someone you would never expect, he is Endou, don't get me wrong, he heard me talking to Goenji about my BF once and there it is.
however, I bought what I wanted and all, there when Endou asked us to wait 'til he go buy something to eat, I did too, but goenji who was with us walked to some markets looking for a toy, you know why, for his YUUKA.
me and endou didn't take a long time, we took the noodles we bought and sat on a chair outside the restaurant, our conversation began as endou asked

"you've finished buying thing for you BF's birthday?"
"yeah, only left the box"
"huh? Why do you want a box?"
I looked at him and replayed
"to put everything inside, duh!"
he looked stupid for a moment and I started eating what I've got
"you know!.. *a moment of silence*.. If I came to love, I would only love someone like you"
I didn't move for a second, but then I ignored, I felt like everything just blanked around me, I didn't even look toward him
"Im talking seriously"
"ok ok, I've got it"
"what did y-"

There when goenji came to where we were sitting, I raised my head and smiled at him, everything that evening was confusing, I don't know what I was thinking about
you may see it as a good thing, RIGHT?
but its wrong.. completely WRONG, why?, you know something, Endou discovered that I liked him, yeah he did, its not a good thing, it makes me stay up at night, crying, afraid to get exposed once, and now what? Is he trying to satisfy me? Or is he just feeling guilty or something? I don't get it!
I guess he thought that I may accept his offer, I didn't know the answer if I will or not 'til I talked to Goenji about it
"never ever think about it"
"um I know"
"you know that he doesn't honestly like you"

"kazemaru, listen, you've got a great boyfriend out there, you cant replace him by Endou"
I looked away
"you can truly love who you want, because you know yourself, but you cant really know if others do honestly"
"I know"
"then what is holding you back?"
i don't know, I may really want to be with Endou, but I don't want to break my BF's heart
"kazemaru!"
yeah, that's right, he just want to play with my feelings, he doesn't love me, he love *GOENJI*, and that's all, just because he cant have goenji and he heard about my feelings, he just want me to replace goenji's place, am I supposed to think this way? , but it seems like the only way.

_

heeeeeeey.. im back.. with this one-shot?
I may said the first chapter was the only one I would publish.. but it looks like I wonnot stop.. this story is a real one, only with few changes as names and things to match with the anime, ya know!

*I know its too short*
so guys , I will write down every important moment that would happen in the future for the real couple, and I would let you know, so see ya*winki winko*