Summary: This is sort of an homage to 'Amor Fati', an episode of 'The X-Files' which was written by Chris Carter and David Duchovny.
The title is a Latin phrase that loosely translates to 'love of fate' or 'love of one's fate'. It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good. That is, one feels that everything that happens is destiny's way of reaching its ultimate purpose, and so should be considered good. Moreover, it is characterized by an acceptance of the events that occur in one's life.
"Thanks" go out to Agent Extremis, aka Beta-Bitch for helping me sort out my thoughts, words and punctuation.
Comments and criticism are happily accepted.
DISCLAIMER: No infringement intended on anything or anyone ;-)
'Amor Fati' by Agent Addek
Can't breathe...I can't breathe!
Oh God why is this happening to me again?!!
I can feel my heart pounding too rapidly!...can't breath...chest tightening...oh please someone help me! Help me!
I can't move...can't open my eyes... my fingers and toes feel numb.
I can't move, can't breathe, can't breathe!
After what seemed like an eternity, he was suddenly able to move. He opened up his eyes and realized that he was shaking and sweating uncontrollably. His heart was still pounding intensely, as well as some tightness in his chest. He got up from the bed quickly but regretted that decision immediately when he felt the dizziness overcome him, and then the extreme nausea.
This had been happening with more frequency, and it had become increasingly difficult to calm himself down during one of these episodes. He was afraid to even attempt to sleep these days.
They started over a year ago, but he never really gave them a second thought, because back then, it only happened a couple times. He never worried about it with much concern, since after all, he is a surgeon and he chalked it up to lack of sleep and stress. He resignedly realized he should have had himself checked out by his doctor, especially considering the episodes had continued to happen, and now even more regularly. He decided to jump in the shower to try to help calm himself down, and then he'd call his doctor to make an appointment.
"Dr. Vaselenak's office, this is Alexis, how may I help you?" said the woman on the other end of the line.
"Hello Alexis, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd. I wanted to see if Dr. Vaselenak had any openings this morning?" Derek waited while the receptionist checked the doctor's schedule.
"Just give me a minute Dr. Shepherd, hmm... it looks like he had a 10 o'clock cancelation, would you like to see him then?" The receptionist waited for his response.
"That would be great, so I'll see Dr. Vaselenak at 10 o'clock. Thank you." Derek hung up the phone.
He left his trailer soon after he hung up the phone as he needed to catch the next ferry. Derek walked out to his Range Rover, stopping to take a deep breath of the fresh pine air. As he was driving to the port, he couldn't help but think to himself what could possibly be wrong with him? Honestly, he admitted to himself, that at that moment any possibility terrified him.
The ferry ride was uneventful and soon enough he found himself parking outside of his doctor's office. He walked into the lobby and was relieved to see that he was the only patient there at the moment. He wanted to get this done and over with, and really wasn't in the mood to wait. Fortunately, he got his wish, because shortly after signing in, his name was called.
"Dr. Shepherd?", the receptionist called out his name. He looked up, nodded, and walked towards the open door. He followed her to one of the back rooms where she asked him to change into a patient's gown, and to then take a seat, and that the Doctor would be with him shortly. Derek did as he was asked, and then sat waiting impatiently. He wasn't used to being on this side of things... I guess it's true what they say about doctors being the worst patients, he thought amusedly to himself. Luckily for Derek, Dr. Vaselenak was on schedule and he promptly walked in with a nurse in tow.
"Dr. Shepherd, it's been a while since your last check up, what brings you here today?" The doctor pleasantly asked as he took a seat on the stool in front of Derek and waited for his response.
Derek looked up and paused for a moment before he addressed the doctor, and then started reciting his symptoms. "I don't know where to begin doctor, it feels like I'm having a heart attack! I've been having these 'episodes'... I mean I really don't know how else to refer to them...they mostly happen at night when I am sleeping. They wake me up in a state of terror! I am conscious but I can't open my eyes, and my heart starts pounding out of control. I get this tightening in my chest, and it gets extremely difficult to breath. I can't move or talk, then all of a sudden I can."
Derek paused for a moment to gather his thoughts, but before he could speak the doctor spoke.
"Dr. Shepherd how long have you been having these symptoms?" The doctor asked before he waved over the nurse. He said something to the nurse that Derek couldn't hear, then he realized what the doctor had asked when she came and stood next to him and started taking his blood pressure, first one arm, and then the other. The nurse continued to do a general exam before stepping out of the room.
"Honestly doctor, I don't really know how long... I think I first experienced a couple of the symptoms a little over a year ago. I just thought it was because, as you may very well know, the life of a surgeon does not permit for a lot of sleep and relaxation, and add to that the stress of it all and everyday life...I had assumed it was my body's way of saying 'slow down'. I took a day or two off, felt somewhat reinvigorated and never thought of it again until a few months ago, when the same problems started creeping in again here and there. They've been messing with my sleep cycle, have become much more frequent lately, and in all honesty, scare the hell out of me."
"Well Dr. Shepherd, the best way to find out what is exactly going on with you is to run a few tests. I want to start off with some blood work and then an EKG. After that, if I need any other tests we will run them. In the mean time, I think you should take a few days off from work. I need you to relax and not overexert yourself. Any questions?"
The doctor waited for Derek to answer.
"So how much time do I need to take from work doctor? I'm the head of neurosurgery, I can't just take days off without any prior notice" said an exasperated Derek.
"Well Dr. Shepherd, at least until we get your results, and since I am putting a rush on them, hopefully that's only two to three days at most. With all honesty Dr. Shepherd, with the symptoms you described, you really need to take it easy until we figure out what is causing this" Dr. Vaselenak said, a little taken aback by Derek's reaction, as he walked out of the room to order his tests.
A few minutes later, the nurse who was in the room earlier, walked back in with the appropriate lab paraphernalia, including a few test tubes as well as needles to draw his blood. After collecting his blood samples, she informed him that the doctor would be back in to perform his EKG.
Dr. Vaselenak soon showed up with the same nurse accompanying him, and he began explaining the procedure to Derek. Even though he was already aware of how an EKG was performed, he still appreciated the fact that the doctor was making him a part of the process.
"Okay Dr. Shepherd, please lie back and Alexis will start applying the electrodes to your arms, legs and chest. The electrodes detect the heart's electrical impulses and then transmit them to the EKG machine, which will then produce a graph of those impulses. Now this will only take a few minutes and then we'll know if we need to worry about anything. Any questions so far?" Derek shook his head no.
The EKG machine worked his magic, and started printing off the corresponding graph.
The doctor became completely immersed in the read out as it appeared.
After about 20 minutes, the nurse began to remove the electrodes.
"Dr. Shepherd, why don't you get dressed and then come and join me in my office so we can go over your EKG results," Doctor Vaselenak directed.
The doctor exited and Derek began to get dressed. He made his way to Dr. Vaselenak's office and found that he was already there, seated behind his desk studying Derek's EKG printout.
"Dr. Shepherd please take a seat. As far as your EKG goes, everything seems normal. There are no cardiac arrhythmias, no myocardial infarction, no electrolyte disturbances, and no conduction abnormalities. Everything seems to be the way it should be. Until I get your blood work back, I don't have any further information on what might be causing your episodes. I want you to go home and relax, please try to stay calm, and under no circumstances should you return to work. Like I said before, two to three days at most and I should have the test results. I will make sure to put a rush on them and I will see you back in my office on Thursday."
Derek extended his arm to shake his hand and the doctor spoke again. "Oh and Dr. Shepherd, if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call me, you can reach me through my service at anytime, no matter how late."
He shook Derek's hand and began walking him out.
"Thank you Dr. Vaselenak, you have a good day and I'll see you on Thursday."
Derek made his way out of the office and back to his truck. Once seated inside, Derek took a few slow breaths. He was relieved that his EKG didn't show any abnormalities, but he knew that he still had to wait for the blood results. Derek flipped open his phone and waited for the other line to be picked up.
"Hello Dr. Webber's office, this is Patricia, how may I help you?" She paused waiting for an answer.
"Hello Patricia, this is Derek Shepherd, I need to speak with Dr. Weber please."
Derek paused for her response.
"Oh of course Dr. Shepherd, just one moment."
Derek waited on the line, trying to figure out the best way to address this, he just wanted it all over with and to get home.
"Hello Derek, this is Richard, what are you doing calling the hospital, isn't this your day off?" The chief asked, with a hint of playful annoyance.
"Richard I was actually calling you to tell you that I need a few days off, starting tomorrow. I just need a couple of days to deal with a personal problem." Derek said a bit too quickly.
"Derek is something wrong?, something I can help you with? You know you can count on me for anything" Richard said, now with a note of concern in his voice.
"I'm not sure if I should be worried or not yet Richard, but as soon as I know anything you will be the first to know." Derek replied assuredly.
"Well Derek, take all the time you need. I'll see you when you get back. Please just keep me informed."
Richard hung up, leaving Derek alone with his wandering and scattered thoughts.
Three days had gone by since Derek had been to the doctor's office and he was now on his way to get his test results. While on the ferry, Derek reflected upon how the past three days had been. He had tried to do what Dr. Vaselenak had asked him to do...to relax and not to do too much, but the 'episodes' kept happening anyways. He didn't know what he did wrong? He hadn't picked up any of Meredith's phone calls...he just couldn't deal with her insecurity issues now.
Rose had called him too, but he didn't want to speak with her either. The kiss they shared was a mistake and he had to tell her that, but not until he'd gotten over this, whatever this was.
To top it all off, for some strange reason he kept thinking of Addison. Out of all people why would he be thinking of her?? She had left Seattle several months ago, without as much as a goodbye mind you, but she was gone out of his life like he wanted her to be, right?
Okay, so maybe he didn't really relax...
Derek arrived at his doctor's office without incident, signed in, and took a seat. This time he had to wait about twenty minutes before he got called in.
"Dr. Shepherd it's good to see you again. So how are you feeling?, any more episodes?" Asked the doctor before he paused for a response.
"Actually Dr. Vaselenak, I took your advice. I took three days off of work and I tried to relax, but I still experienced a couple of episodes. What's wrong with me?" Derek asked with undisguised concern in his voice.
Dr. Vaselenak took a moment to consider his reply before answering Derek.
"Well, as you already know, your EKG didn't show any abnormalities. I have your blood work results now and everything is normal there as well. I did have my suspicions of what might be wrong, but I wanted to run some tests on you before I gave you my medical opinion."
Derek studied the Doctor's face, trying to read it.
"Dr. Shepherd you are suffering from panic attacks."
Huge relief washed over Derek's face.
"That's it doctor? I'm just suffering from panic attacks?"
The doctor looked at Derek with a exasperated expression.
"Dr. Shepherd, they're not just panic attacks. They can be very crippling in your day to day life. For the moment, you are only experiencing them during the night, and those have already interfered with your sleep cycle. They can start interfering with your day-to-day functioning, and your job as well. I would suggest that you don't take them lightly."
Derek was surprised by the Doctor's comments, but sat silently and tried to absorb properly what the Doctor was trying to explain.
"There are several options for you to deal with them, one is by taking medication..."
Derek interrupted the doctor right away. "No Dr. Vaselenak, there is no way that I will take any medication. As a surgeon I wouldn't want to take anything that would affect my job." Derek retorted with more force than he meant to.
"Well Dr. Shepherd, like I said there are several options...medication is one, but there are other ways to deal with your panic attacks as well. Cutting down on substances like caffeine and alcohol would be beneficial as they can worsen panic attacks, so they should be avoided. Exercise and stress management techniques like deep breathing, meditation or yoga can help as well. Relaxation is key Dr. Shepherd, so anything that you could do to help you relax is recommended."
Dr Vaselenak stopped and looked into Dr. Shepherd's eyes, to see if he was just wasting his words, but to his astonishment, Derek appeared to be comprehending the seriousness involved.
"Another option would be speaking with a licensed professional regarding any problems or stress you maybe encountering in your life. Usually panic attacks develop from avoidance of deep seeded issues, or ignored problems. There is also an alternative approach to your problem..." The doctor trailed off, uncertain as to whether to suggest it or not.
"Alternative approach?" Asked Derek, not sure what to expect.
"Holistic Doctors are known to help you get in touch with the problem or problems causing the panic attacks, rather then just treating the symptoms."
The doctor reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a card and handed it to Derek.
"I can refer you to this specialist, who is highly thought of in this field."
Derek took the card reluctantly. "Are you serious? Oh great you are serious! Look doctor, I will stick to the relaxing and the deep breathing, but I can do without all of the other options. Thank you for your time, I'll show myself out."
Derek stalked out of the doctor's office, not really understanding why he was reacting the way he was...after all, the doctor was only trying to help him...but come on, suggesting he go see a quack! Ridiculous! I will deal with these panic attacks myself, he stubbornly thought. It can't be that hard to relax!
Relaxing, hmmm...what relaxes me?...fishing.
That's what I am gonna do!
I will fish and relax and then I will be fine, everything will be fine.
Two days later, Derek and Mark stood side by the side at Green Lake, fishing poles in hand, laughing and enjoying the Seattle morning sun.