"I don't know," Legolas looked doubtful. "I don't think Aragon goes for guys,"
"But you're so girly you count as a girl!" Sam protested. "Wait… that came out wrong."
"But it's true!" Pippin piped up. "Professor Gandalf thinks so, when he comments on your tights, I swear you have an actual legit vagina man…"
"They're leggings," Leggy pouted, looking disinterested now. "Do you mind?" he turned to start working on the mane of Shakespeare's pony.
"Leggy, you don't want Aragon to leave, do you?" Sam tried again.
Leggy ignored him
"Well, think about it this way – we all know you want him," Merry added. Leggy's eyebrow rose. "And with Pippin and my expertise on girls"
"What," Legolas snorted; Sam suppressed a laugh and Gimli burst out laughing.
"OK, Maybe not US," Merry backtracked. "But I admit, I've seen Frody over here thumbing through the odd Seventeen,"
"I like the photos they take," Frodo put his hands up, blushing. "But Leggy, we know you really like him…" his eyes widened and a puppy pout came on. "You don't want Arwen to win, do you?" His baby blue eyes quivered with tears.
"NOOOOO," Leggy sighed. "Frodo, please don't puppy eye meee!" Frodo kept his look going at full blast. "…fine." He glared at them. "If this goes wrong, you're all posing as Avatars for my next painting,"
"I LIKE LOINCLOTTTHHHSS!" Gimli was still laughing at Merry and Pippin being experts on girls
"OK, it's settled then," Frodo smiled and took Legolas' hand. "We'll do our best to make you as available to Aragon then," he gave a little baby's gurgle. "We can't go wrong!"
RRIINNNNG! The bell sounded for the end of lunch. They then proceeded to go to their classes – Frodo had journalism, Legolas had art, Gimli had drama, and Merry and Pippin had chem, with none other than their favorite teacher, Professor Gandalf.
As Merry and his best friend walked to class, he briefly thought of dressing good old Legolas up in a dress – his hair could be cascading down his back like a golden waterfall, and his sapphire blue eyes could-
"DUDE!" Pippin smacked him one on the head. "Were you even listening to what I said?"
"Erm…" Merry mumbled. "Rafiki passion fruit?"
"That was AGES ago," Pippin rolled his eyes. "C'mon we're gonna be late for class." Merry snorted elegantly behind one hand and replied: "We're ALWAYS late for class…"
"OI WHO DARE ENTER THE DOMAIN OF-"
"Cut the crap Smeagol and let us pass." Merry said importantly as they arrived at a door to the next hallway, Pippin scratched his nose irritably and called out: "We're gonna be late for class bogeyface. Let us pass unless you want Legolas's paintbrushes shoved up your lower virginal orifice where none normally venture."
"Unless gay." Merry reminded his friend. Pippin agreed: "Yeah, unless your gay and you like the big meat." The two heard the smaller skinnier teen mutter monotonously in his hiding place. There was a hiss and the door opened.
"HALT! YOU SHALL NOT PASS! ...ON SECOND THOUGHT WHERE ARE YOUR HALLPASSES!"
Pippin and Merry groaned simultaneously as they turned around to see none other than their chemistry teacher Professor Gandalf himself standing behind them in his manky robes and his walking stick.
"Sup Old Codger? You know what, how about we show you our wares?"
Pippin began but Merry cut him off: "No no sir, in fact why don't you listen to us sing? I have a lovely voice you know! THERE'LL BE BLUEBIRDS OVER THE WHITE CLIFFS OF..."
"DOVER"
Merry inwardly sighed with relief as Pippin as always came to his rescue. He in reality sucked at singing and couldn't hold tune to save his life and sucked even more at making up a song. Plastering a very cheesy grin on his face Merry elbowed Pippin.
"Well it was nice meeting you old chap. Really good stuff old bean."
With that the two friends sprinted off down the hallway only to skid to a halt. Pippin stared at Merry.
"What?"
Merry asked intelligently , Pippin cringed, "We have Chem next! SHIT!" Merry paled and then said: "I hope we have a sub!"
"Why would we have a sub after meeting our teacher doofus?"
"…Dunno! RUN"
With that the two friends dashed off to their chemistry class.
"No fucking way…"
There was a sub. And a hot one too – Miss Galadriel was sitting in Professor Gandalf 's chair, her feet upon the demonstration table as she thumbed through a copy of Vogue.
"Sweet!" Merry and Pippin sidled into their regular seats, until Pippin stopped dead in his tracks
"Merry!" he hissed. "Look!" he pointed to the Vogue magazine. On the cover, in large print, were '10 GREAT WAYS TO BE GREAT IN BED!'
"Oh yeah…" Merry smiled. "I bet Miss Galadriel does all of those…"
"Not that, dumbass, THAT!"Pippin smacked him one on the head and pointed. Looking more closely, Merry then noticed the 'FOOLPROOF WAYS TO GET YOUR BEST GUYFRIEND INTO YOU!'
"Aww," he whined. "But I want to see the great in bed article…"
"DUDE!" Pippin threw a textbook at him. "C'mon, let's go,"
They made their way to the teacher as gracefully as possible, both putting on their puppydog faces (Well, Merry's was more of a bulldog's)
"HAI MISS GALADRIEL," Pippin banged his elbows on the desk and kicked up a foot. "I read that issue too!"
"Pippy!" Miss Galadriel smiled at them. "So you read these?"
"Well yeah," he murmured tentatively, dropping his gaze. "But then I lost my copy – I'm still really sad about it…" tears filled his eyes, as laughter filled up in Merry. This was a drama performance Gimli would be proud of!
"Ohh dear!" The teacher pinched his cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetie! I'm sure you'll find it!"
"I don't think so," Merry cut in, putting an arm around Pippin's shoulder. "See, he left it at the vets when they had to put down his dog,"
"And when we went back for it, another doggie had chewed it up," Pippin sniffled.
"Oh Pippy!" Miss Galadriel gave him a hug. "Here, take mine!" she thrust the magazine to him. "No more tears, your dog wouldn't want that!"
"N-no," he mumbled. "T-thank you," tears still brimmed at his eyes.
"It's ok, that's an old issue anyway," she smiled. "Now back to your seat and no more crying!"
"OK," he quickly turned, magazine in hand, and ran back. Merry grinned gratefully to the teacher and followed.
"OK, the first thing in this magazine says to be fierce and aggressive, as well as make the first move," Merry read aloud. "Then surprise him with wine and roses,"
"OI! ARE YOU READING THE GREAT IN BED ARTICLE AGAIN?" Pippin snatched the magazine and hit him with it. "Here's what you do: dress in a more feminine manner," they eyed Legolas, who was sketching in his notebook.
"Leggy…" they walked up, whistling nonchalantly. Then they grabbed him and stripped him down to his white boxers with pink hearts and analyzed his form.
"Alright, let's start with…" They dressed him as quickly as a Barbie doll. "Sweet! Strut that ass, Leggy!"
"I hate you guys so much for this," Legolas reluctantly walked down the Gondor classroom. As he walked, Pippin couldn't help but wolf whistle as the older male flaunted the bad-boy look, complete with them having styled his hair into a huge-ass Elvis quiff. Then they stripped him down to his boxers again, deciding on a new look - this time the athletic football player - and when he modelled it the boys collapsed in laughter. Then from cowboy, to cowGIRL; sailor boy to Sailor Moon; there wasn't anything that really suited good old Leggy.
"He does have nice legs for a dress, though" Pippin watched him strut around in a princess dress. "But... it's just not right!"
"I know what you mean," Merry nodded wisely. "...I KNOW! DRESS HIM LIKE THIS!"