Jaded by ambivalence

By: GoldAlchemy

Chapter 2: Endings and Beginnings Part 2

"Mum!, what's Sna…. I mean Severus doing here?" Lily said in a clipped tone.

"Well, that's no way to talk to your friend." She said with a warning tone, which Lily flinched at.

Mrs. Evens was a lovely lady, always soft spoken and nice, however you never wanted to make her angry.

"Right. Um, well I better leave" Severus thought he wouldn't quickly weasel his way back home.

"Not so fast, Mr Snape. My goodness, what is wrong with the both of you? You didn't have some sort of falling out did you? Ha, that would never happen, thick as thieves the two of you." Violet said smiling at the both of them. She told Lily that Severus was invited to dinner as he needed to share some exciting news.

Severus had never felt so uncomfortable in his life. After being forced to tell Lily about his scholarship to All Hallows University by Mrs. Evens, It was clear that Lily was shocked by this revelation. Severus of course was a death eater, however, Lily believed that, as Severus would be attending University; he was not a death eater.

"Eh, wow, I didn't know that you wanted to go to University. Well it doesn't surprise me that you have chosen to continue on with potions." Lily was feeling very awkward as she looked at Severus. Mixtures of emotions were going through Lily.

"I'm leaving in 2 days and I won't be returning here for a while. Well at least until my degree has finished. So that means 4 years." Severus said quickly, as he saw the look Lily was giving him.

"4 years? Oh, ok." Lily then spoke to Severus in a hushed tone. "Look, whilst my mum is out of the room, I just wanted to say. I'm sorry for how I've been behaving for the past few years. I have continuously been agreeing with Jame… agreeing that you had become a death eater like your friends. It's clear now, I mean you obviously can't be a death eater and go to university right?" Lily laughed at the silliness of that. "I really hope that we can continue being friends"

Severus however was looking very grave. He did not correct Lily's thoughts, as he did not want to ruin their moment of calmness. He loved Lily more than his life, however she was with Potter now and was moving on in life.

"I don't normally apologise, but, I am truly sorry for what I said that day." Severus said in a hushed tone, as not be make Violet privy of their conversation.

"I was stupid, and if I could take everything back, I would." Severus said with a sigh. Lily's mother could be heard in the other room clanking about. Bother Severus and Lily were silent, no one knew what else to say. Lily however, was the first to break the silence.

" I've missed you, you know? These past few years without you have been hard.."

Severus interrupted lily. "Hard!? Ha, Yeh I saw. The moment we broke it off you went crawling to Potter"

" I did not crawl to Pot.. James!" Lily said in an angry tone. "We were drifting apart for ages, and when you called me a Mudblood I snapped. I had had enough Severus! You were heading down a dark path, and I couldn't be there when you fucked everything up!" Lily was fuming, and slightly teary.

"It doesn't matter now Lily. You are starting your new life, and I WILL not be there when YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP!" If it were possible Severus was angrier than Lily. It seemed petty that Severus was repeating what Lily had yelled at him, only moments ago. Severus was having mixed feelings.

It was evident that Lily forgave Severus, and he her. But Severus still could not get over the anger that surged through him. He was deeply in love with Lily, but she was with Potter.

He walked over to the window overlooking the backyard. Tears were on the brim of his eyes. He put his leg up on the windowsill, whilst his hands covered his eyes. Severus stood in that position for 1 minute trying to steady his breathing.

Once he had calmed down he looked Lily in the eye. Lily now had a few lone teardrops stained on her cheeks. Severus spoke in such a soft voice, that Lily had to lean in slightly to hear.

"I truly hope that you are happy with Potter. I hope that he gives you everything you want. I love you Lily, I truly do. But we can never be friends like we used to" Severus said all this with such a strong emotion that Lily was now starting to silently weep.

Severus righted his position, while looking back at the back window. He then spoke in a cracked voice. "Tell your mother that I needed to sort out some last minute paper work. I am going home."

As Severus turned around and went to leave the room, he peered at Lily through his curtain of black hair. Lily's eyes were red rimmed, and her face if possible had more tearstains. "I….. I know you dislike James.." At this Severus snorted. "When I said that I hoped that we could be friends, I meant only myself. Not James, no one but me."

"Do you really think that I could be around you when you are with him?" Severus said in an emotionally pleading voice. "I can't spent time with you Lily… I can't… I just can't".

Severus was starting to get emotional again, therefore opted to leave the Evens' home. He didn't look at Lily as he left, he just kept walking back towards Spinners End.

While Severus was walking down the road, the fresh air was starting to clear his head. He walked the long way home, walking down every street, not ready to go home; and wanting to clear his head. 1 hour later, he was nearing home, when he looked to the left and saw a place, which at the present moment only gave him pain. It was their park. He looked at the place where they had first met all those years ago. He was walking towards the swings ready to sit down, however as he was flooding with emotion, he failed to see who else was sitting on he swing.

As he sat down he heard a small 'Hi', which made him jump and pull out his wand, quicker than you could say Hogwarts. Lily quickly put her hands up in surrender, then took a deep breath in and looked at the river flowing past. Severus stood shocked, then sat on the swing next to Lily. She slowly swung on her seat, looking longingly at the playground.

Severus too peered at the playground. Walking around had cleared his mind, and he was starting to feel calmer than he had in years. The ranting and screaming that Severus had done earlier at the Even's had helped him flush out most of his pain.

"I don't think I've ever heard you say that you love me Sev" Lily said whilst tilting her head towards Severus. " You say that you love me, but you can't be friends with me, I don't understand" Lily had started to tear up once again.

"I was reading something this morning, that really resonates with our conversation. You don't understand what I mean? Well this character says it perfectly." Severus paused for a second, before getting up from the swing and walking away.

"Why are you walking away aren't….." Severus interrupted Lily. He didn't turn around, when he spoke next. " You can't love something that won't love you in return."

With that being said Severus continued to walk back towards his home. He hear Lily yelling at him from the park, but failed to respond. "That doesn't make sense, I told you I love you Severus, I forgive you!" Lily was crying in the park, willing Severus to come back to her.

Lily had no idea what Severus was going on about, however Severus when reading that sentence in the morning, felt like this was his entire life with Lily towards the end. He had loved Lily more than life itself, and she did love him. However the love that Lily had for Severus was merely platonic.

Severus wanted so much more from Lily, however that was void now. From Severus joining the death eaters, going to University as well as Lily having an ass of a boyfriend; it was impossible. Severus was too emotional to continue any friendship with Lily. Not to mention the danger that would be inflicted on Lily as well as himself if the dark lord found out.

Trying to throw his negative thoughts away. He continued onto thinking, that as of a few days he would truly be out of Spinners End, and at University. Walking back into his home, he noticed an owl sitting on the window with a letter attached to its foot. Severus opened to window and opened to letter, which the owl was giving him.

The letters content stated that Severus had in fact been accepted as an apprentice for Asphodels Apothecary. This Apothecary was on campus at his University. The letter had stated what salary he would receive, which left Severus pleased. His salary would be enough to cover his rent/bills as well as everyday needs.

Severus later that night sat in bed thinking about the events that happened earlier in the day. While he still felt a pang of sadness relating to his conversation with Lily. He couldn't help but feel cleansed. Everything that he had kept bottled up, he had finally let go. Lily did not fully understand the meaning behind what Severus had said. However, Severus really wanted to tell Lily that he loved her. Whilst she took it differently, Severus felt at peace knowing that he finally said what he had been strongly feeling for almost a decade.

Severus slept that night, better than he had in years. However back at the Evens home, unknown to Severus, Lily was in her room profusely crying throughout the night, and a few more to come. The pain that was to come for both of them, would slowly wither away as relationships and work would come to play.

Lily would be busy with the order as well as her relationship with James. Severus would as well be busy, working as an apprentice whilst studying and balancing his death eater contributions. Unknown to Severus, the next 4 years of his life would be the most paramount experience that he would every have.

Authors Notes:

That's an end to chapter 2.

I am going to update in the next day or 2, so add my story. And keep those reviews coming everyone, your positivity means a lot :)