First and foremost

There's something I need to get off my chest. I'm not actually the main character. I'm not the one who saves the day. I'm only really a hero by association. I felt like I should say this because, you know, my close friend is actually the one who did all the work and I'm just the one who knows how to tell stories the best. Most of this is true except the things that aren't. You read the prologue? The one where it introduced all of us and our non-human companions? I know it was in third person, relax, I just felt like saying this from the perspective I'm the most familiar with would do all of us some good.

And there are some things that I still don't feel like acknowledging happened.

If you're, like, some kind of super genius you might've figured out that Clubs, Spade, Diamond, and Heart aren't actually our names. I'm not gonna tell you our names though. I will tell you me and my three friends were the ones involved in the biggest cover-up since the Akio Katsu scandal back in the early 90's.

You gotta remember that, right?

I mean … I wasn't even born yet and I remember that. I did always think it was kinda stupid how they turned it into a kids show. Especially after all the people that died. You know what's not kid friendly? The grisly deaths of hundreds of people at the hands of a hyper intelligent monstrosity created by the Japanese Yakuza. That and it perpetually annoys me that Mister Katsu was, like, thirty-something and it was his Raichu that ultimately saved the day, not with friendship, but by frying that psychic-fucker until his eyeballs jellied.

I'm getting off topic.

So, yeah, the four guys. You remember Hearts? The fatass who was almost too lazy to let his Magneton out?

That's me.

I arrived back home from college in early May to find that New Hampshire is always greener coming home than when I leave. I go to a liberal arts college in the Midwest studying what the purple curtains really mean and why they make readers from the Victorian era feel the way they feel. Spade had just got his associates in game design, Diamond an associates in business and Clubs was a late bloomer when it came to these things.

When I got home one of the first things I did was contact Spade. That skinny motherfucker and I have been best friends (or 'permabros' as he puts it) since we were about six. It's funny because the only thing we really have in common is that every once in a while we decide it'll be a great idea to make a comic book, start the ideas flowing, and then stop when we realize how much work it would be. We're still working on one; it's about a Tentacruel that lives in a Dali painting. I mean … it's about a lot more than that but mainly it's about a Tentacruel that lives in a Dali painting.

Our Pokémon have also almost never had any sort of issue with one another which is fantastic because those little pocket monsters can get aggressive. There are some scientists that say they were bred to fight for so long that it's almost imbedded in who they are.

Spade got a Tyrogue for his tenth birthday and I got a Teddiursa. Spade's Tyrogue loved to go running, so that's what the two would do together. My Teddiursa loved to eat honey and pizza crust. So that's what we would do together.

We met Clubs in elementary school but never really hung out with him until sixth or seventh grade. Clubs got a Cubone for his tenth birthday and I just remember Boney being so little. He was smaller than King by almost a foot. Dry Bones loved to pick fights. It was the cause of many a bruise and cut in high school for Clubs and his close friend. He would never go against Clubs word though and almost attacked others out of protection for his 'master' even if most of them were unprovoked. I really hate using that word—'master'.

I should probably explain when I say 'got for their birthday'. You can't purchase Pokémon at like a pet store you just kind of go to like someone who breeds—why am I explaining this to you? You totally know all of this.

Anyway.

Linnell and Flansburgh? Two of the most placid motherfuckers I know. You'd think a fighting Pokémon would have urges to destroy everything it touches. Not the case with Linnell, that springy motherfucker has never lost his temper; not when King tried to use hyperbeam on him against my words, not when Spade's sister's Smeargle covered his legs in blue paint, not when Dry Bones almost caved in Spade's skull. Flansburgh is … a Snorlax. He sleeps a lot, lets us chill on his stomach, and likes food even more than King and I do.

Diamond comes into the picture for Spade and Clubs in high school. He was a great friend of theirs but only really came into the picture for me last year after what was supposed to be a midnight screening turned into 6AM at McDonalds and a parking lot full of jokes. Lady is one classy Vaporeon and Zero is a fucking dick.

Anyway.

I call up Spade.

"MMmmmyyyess?" his voice slyly states on the other end of the phone.

"Dude! I'm home."

"Ayyyy!" he called.

"You and Clubs there?" Clubs and Spade aren't related. Clubs is related to a powerless mother and a poisonous stepfather who makes too much money for people to say no to. We were told he got kicked out but there was speculation that he's pretty happy about it.

"Clubs is at work." He sounded a little distracted.

"So you wanna hang?"

There was a pause that would unnerve someone who was new to Spade's life but what it was more for dramatic effect than anything else; "I do." his voice was certain and solid.

"Awesome!" a big smile grew on my face as I stood in my room, my bed pressed up against the wall so the foreign exchange student could have his bed closer to the door. My stuff's all in blue plastic bins while his is plastered on the dressers and desk. I can't reach the cloths in my dresser because his stuff is crammed in front of it and puzzled in next to the bins with my books and binders. Totally not bitter.

"So you need me to come get you?" he questioned as if on cue.

"That'd be great." My smile was still big.

"Be there in, like, a little bit."

"Alright, cool." And we hung up.

There in the open doorway I saw King, tall on his hind legs, with big dark eyes and his tongue flopped out of his mouth. There was a second of silence; "Ring?"

"We're going to Spades!" I thrust my fist in the air as King let out a little tiny roar of approval, a type of noise you would expect to come out of a bear wrestling with his friend. He fumbled into the room and let out a louder, happy, roar. We did a tiny dance. I shuffled my arms from side to side while doing a walk that could only be described as eccentric and highly embarrassing. King then proceeded to follow me in this motion only he would spout out;

"Ursa. Ring. Ursa. Ring." To the beat of our silly escapade.

We did this around the cramped room until I stopped when a thought came to me; "Should we have it be a surprise for Maggie?"

"Ursa!" he nodded up and down.

Five minutes and almost fifty seconds later.

"AAyyyyy! King!" Spade smiled at us as King entered the backseat of his very beat up minivan. King let out another mini roar. "I figured we'd surprise Linnell and… well Flansburgh's not really gonna give a shit" he mumbled in an intentionally comedic fashion "—but Linnell's gonna be pumped!" I shut the passenger door as Spade shimmied the Oldmobile down the decline snake that is my driveway. He turned to me "So, uh, how's your dick?"

So it begins "Four months of separation—four motherfuckin' months of being totally cut off from you, my dream, my idol, everything I aspire to be— …and you ask how my penis is?"

"I'm not hearing an actual answer."

We were now driving down the street that spat a hefty right turn out of the cul-de-sac that was my lane. We passed the old houses and older trees. We drove for a solid handful of minutes in ear breaking silence, a silence so intense you'd think that someone had just announced the death of a family member or, alternatively, had won the lottery. Overreaction was almost my thing when it came to this, being loud and acting unnaturally upset. This didn't help when I did actually get upset, but pushing boundaries was just kind of funny. Not ever in a way that made people too uncomfortable and I never really did it with people I wasn't totally sure would be cool with it. It's a sort of perpetual initiation, this teasing between friends. Someone starts it by asking if it's cool that they have one of your fries and next thing you know you're giving him very specific instructions about how they can go down the corner store and pick up some blue pills that'll aid them to go fuck themselves.

"It's fine."

And, with that, we pulled into Spade's driveway.

Spade's house is one story if you count any livable space but he's also got a basement that smells like mold and the place where all of his mother's happy thoughts go to die. You see, Spade's mom is in a constant state of being stressed out while I've never seen his father in anything but a perpetual mode of slight jolliness mixed with a spit of positive ambivalence. Spade's mom has short, brown, hair and is over all a short woman while his father isn't much taller than his mother but is also built like a goddamn lumberjack due to the fact that when he's not writing novels or educating college students he's chopping down trees to prove his dominance over the New England Nature Gods. So far he's winning. With that being said, his mom is much more intimidating than his dad. She has this look in her eyes that will make you do whatever she wants you to do. I've been stuck doing chores at Spade's house more often than usual due to that piercing look.

So we trot into his house and there's the quick 'hi, hello, how are you, how was your semester?' from his parents we head into his room.

Spade's room is a thing of beauty.

If you read the prologue you have an idea but let me just reiterate. There is clothing everywhere, on the beds, on the floor, on the computer that he assembled himself, on the wicker desk thingy parallel to his computer desk, there's a TV shoved into the corner with a few gaming systems ranging from pretty new to very old and a closet that is the spitting image of pristine from the knees up. It's got all of the memorabilia from his favorite Western and Eastern comic books, a box set of anime, and a string of more clothing except these ones are on hangers. All of it neatly arranged. There's also totally a bunch of book shelves but I always forget there here, not from any dislike of books, but because they're wedged in between the bed and the wall. There are also books on the floor. Stuff that I wouldn't really understand with uninteresting names like; Advanced Programming in JavaScript and C++ For the Well Informed.

I'm fine with my tiny little beginner's copy of Gilgamesh and that monstrosity of a book that's filled with everything from Greek Epics to The Bible.

On the floor, in front of the gaming system, sits Linnell staring intently at a fighting game. There is a pause both literally and figuratively as he stops the game and looks who just entered the room. His oval eyes widen and he springs up; "LEE!" he spouts at us tossing his arms in the air.

"RING!" King pushes by me and they embrace. King is significantly bigger than Linnell by well over a foot so the big teddy bear can lift him up and squeeze him.

I nudged Spade; "Why don't we hug like that anymore?"

"Because you never look me in the eyes during our steamy, passionate, lovemaking." His words are as dry as mine.

"Queen of Spades is not gonna be happy about that." Fun fact; despite being a fellow super-nerd Spade actually has a girlfriend of several months. She's nice and almost as dry and humor-filled as he is.

"She's cool with the gays." Spade and I entered his room.

"Good news for me then." I sat in this chair that used to be green and comfortable but had since sunken in and I was sure would break if a feather landed on it too hard.

"You're chances for dating have doubled since college." He sat in his much more luxurious spinning plush chair.

You know those stories about people finding themselves at college?

"You wanna go say hit to Flansburgh?" he cocked an eyebrow as King's head turned at the name of his friend.

"Where is the big motherfucker?" I spat out.

"Where he always is."

As soon as we sat down we were up again, out of the room with our Pokémon following close. Even from the deck I could see him, the big guy was way in the back near the little chill-house. We made a bee-line down there with Linnell following Spade and King following me. Through the backyard over the tiny bridge into the massive nature expanse of his real backyard, a giant plethora of vegetation and art.

"Is Sally around here?" I asked.

"I … don't know. She should be." Like she was called there was a big 'POOF' sound as the repulsive smell of Sally waddled up to us. She was a little over three feet high and had a huge flower atop her head that had huge, thick, vermillion petals and a huge center where a sort of smog would puff out every once in a while. Her body looked almost like the bottom of an eggplant had grown stumpy little arms and legs. Her eyes were beady and mouth was filled with very sharp teeth.

"Vileplume!" she chirped happily, her voice surprisingly soft.

"Hey Sally." Spade said attempting his very best to avoid the smell.

"Hi." I smiled trying not to grimace. For all of Sally's happiness to see others, she smells like rotting meat. I mean … all Vileplume's smell like rotting meat. She was this adorable little Oddish that Spade's mom found when their whole family lived in East Asia for a few years and they took a liking to each other, now she tends the garden helping out Mr. Spade when she can.

Linnell gave a short wave while King flapped his paw happily at her.

We walked up to the mass that was Flansburgh. On average a Snorlax can get anywhere from seven to ten feet high and can weigh anywhere from one to two thousand pounds. Flansburgh pushed about eleven feet and weighed several hundred pounds over a ton. This was not a small Pokémon. There wasn't even any pretending that Flansburgh was tiny. Everything that wasn't his stomach and face was covered in a dirty, navy blue, blue fur while the non-furry areas were a substance that could only be described as elastic-y and almost off white. They were very smooth but could also reflect almost any sort of physical detriment that might come his way. He had a huge jaw filled with pointed teeth the size of my forearm. Flansburgh let out deep breathes as he slumbered.

"Flansburgh." I said softly.

"You know better." Spade retorted "FLLLLAANSSBURRRGGHHH!" he shouted so hard that a few Murkrows flapped out of their resting places in the high trees.

"LAX!" he jolted awake.

"Hey man!" I smiled at him.

"Lax." He smiled back and waved at King, who promptly waved back and gave that tiny roar once more.

I took out my only other pokeball and opened it up. Maggie popped out and looked around, slowly drinking in her surroundings; "Magneton!" she echoed happily.

"Heyyy it's Maggie!" Spade stated the obvious in a joyful tone.

"Mange-ton!" she floated around in circled for a moment, obviously a little overwhelmed with the situation.

"It's okay, Maggie!" I reassured her "I wanted to surprise you!"

"Mag." She bopped me on the head with one of her dummies, a playful scolding for not warning her sooner.

"Lax." Flansburgh yawned and bopped Maggie back, lightly.

"Mag!" she floated around, pleased with everything for the time being.

"You wanna go inside and boot of some of them there fightin' games?" I quizzed.

"I thought you'd never ask." Spade smiled.

In the handful of hours that passed I was able to; successfully get my ass handed to me in three different fighting games about ten times at the hands of Spade, try to get better with a character, fail at it, play some stuff on my computer, and work on that comic about the Tentacruel with my best good friend. We brain stormed and then I wrote too much dialogue.

"You gettin' geeked for Daft Punk's new album?" I asked already well aware of the answer.

"Yes. Very yes." Spade was clicking away on his computer as King growled a little from also getting his ass handed to him at fighting games. The screen flashed with various colors as his character got smashed, beaten, stabbed, lit on fire, and chainsaw'd all at the mercy of Linnell.

"I mean, Get Lucky is really good."

"It's so good, you kiddin' me? That album is gonna be great!" He never looked at me while speaking but his voice was still incredibly engaged.

"I mean, that one single is pretty promising." I'll push the envelope of facetiousness and watch his reactions.

"You know what else is pretty promising?" his voice got dark.

"Wha—" as I looked up I witnessed my best friend slowly miming masturbation and staring into my eyes with a terrible grimace on his face. The inviso-dick strikes again! "Pfffahahaha." I hissed through my teeth.

"So, for that dialogue—"

The door to his room swung open and there stood Clubs. His eyes looked tired and ever darker than usual while his whole body was weary. It appeared like he had just gotten the wind knocked out of him. Both of his pokeballs were by his side and he was still dressed in the black shirt, pants, and shoes from his job. There was just enough of a silence for us to notice his disheveled nature; "Dude." I smiled at him.

"Dude." He smiled back, even if it was sort of weak.

"How you doing?" I asked, getting up as we clasped hands and embraced.

"Good, man, how about you?"

"I'm fine. You sure you're feelin' okay?" I just wanted to make him feel better, wanted to let him know that shit was going to be okay, I wanted to protect the hell out of this motherfucker until he felt safe in his own skin again.

"Yeah man." He smiled. His life was a cocktail of an uncaring mother, a bastard of a step father, and that goddamned ex-girlfriend.

King let out a little noise to let Clubs know he was here; "Ring." King got to his feet and nudged Clubs.

"Hey man, how goes it?"

"Ursaring." He shrugged as King and I experienced the extremely strange phenomenon that most Pokémon and their trainers feel every once in a while. It's a connection. I'm aware how dumb that sounds, like some kind of crazy person mumbling how everything's related or whatever. But, sometimes, Pokémon and their human companions will be on the same wave length. It's a weird feeling. You know how sometimes you and your good friend will finish each other's jokes or sometimes talk in unison? It's like that but nonverbal.

Anyway.

"You wanna say hi to Dry Bones?" Clubs asked.

King just nodded.

He pressed a button on his pokeball and the Marowak was released in a stream of light. He looked around for a moment and looked at what was going on. Boney already had the jawbone in his hands and tapped King on the knee. He promptly looked down and smiled; "Wak." Boney said and extended his jawbone. King promptly took it and they shook. It was Dry Bone's policy to never shake anyone's hand but, if he really liked you, he would use the jawbone as a cypher for a handshake.

"Maggie's in the back if you wanna go say hi to her." I said to Dry Bones.

He turned to addressed me, scanned my person, nodded a thank you, and left. King and I looked at each other as I nodded and he followed Dry Bones.

"Lee." Slowly Linnell got to his feet and left the room.

Clubs opened his other ball as Raph tumbled out; "Tangela!" he said spryly as he looked at me and danced around a little.

"Everyone's in the back if you wanna go hang with 'em." I said, this time as if talking to someone much younger than myself.

"Ela!" he hopped away.

I looked at Clubs again; "How you feelin'?"

"Been better."

"What's on your mind?" I sat back down on the bottom bunk as Spade assessed the situation.

"I really miss her, you know?"

"I know." I attempted to reassure him in those two words. There was a silence that read he didn't want to talk about whatever past relationships had happened; "You know what I think we need?" I suggested.

"What?" Spade asked.

"Fuckin' Slushies."

"Slushie's sound so good right now." Clubs face instantly switched from 'depressed' to 'yearning for the best frozen drink this side of a Pina Colada'.

"I'll go tell the Poke-mans that we're gonna get Slushies." Spade got up and went to tell our friends of the greatest news today.

About a week passes and we all agree to meet up at Diamonds house, I'll get a ride from Spade, we'll get the Bag of Burgers , we'll load up on Slushie's, we'll bring the pocket monsters, we'll watch bad horror movies, we'll rule the night. Normally the hang outs would occur in my basement, but that's currently not an option, so we cleared out Diamonds spare room and turned it into an instant hang out space. He and Clubs got a white leather couch, we moved all of the electronics in there—it was fucking cool.

Diamonds house is a very New England looking abode on the side of a highway that is a bitch to turn into when you realize you're going 50 MPH and the house is RIGHT FUCKING THERE HOLY SHIT! I've never met his mom but his dad is very cool. A skinny punk rock dude with a serious beard who I've never seen without some sort of hat on.

We arrive at Diamonds house at around seven and I already have a good feeling about that night. It's warm out and I'm pretty worried that the lack of AC might be a problem, especially with seven Pokemon and four dudes, but then I remember that Zero does as he damn well pleases wherever he pleases and Lady normally stays in Diamonds room. As we arrive Clubs car is already there.

Anyway.

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

"What's gooooooooodd?!" Diamond projects as he throws the door open and says this while Zero comes shooting out, grazing my hair.

"What's REALLY GOOD?!" I respond with a huge grin as I step in, tossing both of my Pokeballs whilst King and Maggie are freed.

"Hey man!" Diamond says to Spade with the appropriate head nod.

"Hey, hey, hey." Spade nodded as well.

"So, really, how are you guys?" Diamond quizzes.

"Good, good." Spade responds.

"Fine, you know, livin' the dream." I grinned again as King bumbles to find Lady.

"Mange-ton." Maggie properly hails Diamond who responds with;

"Aw! Hey Maggie!" and then she nudges him.

"Vaporeon!" I hear Lady say cheerfully as her and King greet each other again, I'm assuming with a massive bear hug (sorry, puns).

I found Clubs sitting on the leather couch already watching something; "When do we want a Bag of Burgers?" I call to whoever's listening.

"I could eat." Clubs says, never straying from the TV.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Spade responds.

"Let's do it, man." Diamond states.

Allow me to describe the tradition that is the Bag of Burgers. It was something my father taught me and I plan to teach whatever child I may have. Low on cash? Don't quite have the money for a pizza? Can't even dream of affording that Italian place down the street? Have no fear! Your local fast food joint has a Bag of Burgers with your name on it! The steps are simple!

Step One; order anywhere from four to five burgers off of the dollar menu.

Step two; prepare your five dollars.

Step three; get burgers and enjoy!

Step four; optional Slushie.

We all packed in Spade's Oldmobile and shipped off to get all of these things.

A GRAND TOTAL OF NINETEEN BURGERS, SIX SLUSHIES, AND A BUNCH OF POKE-CHOW LATER.

"Dude … I don't feel too hot." I mention.

"You always feel like shit after." Clubs mentions.

"And you don't?"

"Well … yeah, but I'm not a bitch about it." he said.

"Jesus those burgers." Spade seems to say to whoever wants to hear him.

"I'm good on food for the night, you guys good on food?" Diamond asks.

"Yeah." I mention.

"That, like, a new thing for you?" Spade asks.

"Fuck you." I quip.

By this point we're halfway through some horror movie when the second strangest thing happens. There's a pounding on the door.

This is strange because Diamond's dad isn't supposed to be home for another few days and Diamond lives in a place that most people just whizz by and never think about. We all pause as our Poke-friends stir in the other room.

"Zero?" Diamond calls, almost sure it's that fuck of a Gengar again.

"Gen-gar." Zero materializes right next to him.

POUND.

POUND.

POUND.

"Let me in!" a voice, which sounds distraught and terrified, shouts.

"What the fuck do we do?" I ask.

"Let's go … see who it is?" Spade gets up and we walk all walk over as a unit. Our Pokémon are all standing behind us in the doorway of Diamonds room.

"Please!" a voice shouts.

"Get ready." Clubs mentions to the pocket monsters. King looks like he's already in attack mode and Dry Bones even more so, Linnell looks very calm, Lady is comforting Raph as Maggie floats in anticipation. Zero looks like he might hurt himself in his confusion.

Diamond opens the door to find a man, who looks incredibly weak, half stands half crouches there in a torn blue polo shirt and jeans. His shoes are tattered. He looks like he hasn't shaved in a little while. His whole demeanor is petrified.

"Please, you need to help." His voice is low by this point.

"What's wrong?" Diamond asks as levelheaded as he can.

"They're after me."

"Who?" Diamond asks as anticipation and a little bit of fear gets to me.

"Team Rocket." The second he says this there's a visceral reaction if hilarity. Clubs looks totally relieved as he chuckles, Spade lets out a 'pfffffft' and laughs too, Diamond sighs as if the weight of the world has been taken off of him and I let out a simple 'HA'. "I'm serious! You need to hide me!"

"What?" Diamond asks between laughs.

"They're after me!"

"Do you need us to call you a hospital?" I ask, somewhat serious.

Just then the strangest thing happens.

A big black van pulls into the driveway.