Blam Kurt is alone parody

Loki's prompts:

Kurt runs to Elliot's arms hoping he will be comforted only to find that Elliot has met Adam and they are really hitting it off. Kurt is ALONE! cue "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club, 15 tubs of ice cream and Kurt going back to Lima to work in his father's garage and eventually given a restraining order to stay away from Dalton Academy and McKinley High because he keeps approaching boys with dark curly hair.

Blaine needs help to get fit again and asks Sam who of COURSE is pleased that for once it's Blaine asking for HIS expertise and it's something he actually is confident about teaching. So you know, he actually starts to follow Blaine around because Blaine doesn't really have high willpower so Sam goes with him to make sure he isn't cheating on his diet. And Sam sets up a reward system...if Blaine behaves then he gets a treat on the weekend...and well, this IS Blam after all :)

Second Corpse: Cronuts Are Important

"JEDI POWER!"

"No, Sam, normal will power will do."

"Do you want me to help you or not?"

Blaine sighed and nodded. Fact was he needed Sam's help. Since he went to NYADA he had developed some eating habits that didn't compliment his body very well. He had gained fifteen pounds! Not good. His boyfriend had left him because of that. So yeah, Blaine needed to lose some weight and work out more and who would be the best personal coach in such a matter? That's right, Sam Perfect Body Evans.

"…and in the end you just push those dumb bells over your head, say, thirty times will do for starters." Sam lay on a mat on the ground with a dumb bell in each hand. He thrust them up and down. Wow, his body was really perfect. Maybe Blaine should stop goggling but there was some skin to be seen where his shirt had glided up a bit and Sam's shorts were really tight. Blaine bit his lip. He wanted to do things to that body. Yes, yes, he was sad about Kurt and so on and he shouldn't think of his best friend that way but… come on. Sam's body!

"Do you want to start now with your work-out routine?" Sam asked.

Blaine scratched his head. He had stopped listening after Sam had suggested he'd use Jedi power to eat healthy from now on. Come on, cronuts! Couldn't he eat ten or fifteen per day and still get fit?

"Blaine?"

"Yeah, yeah! Sure, fine! I start now but the healthy eating will only start tomorrow! I need to say goodbye to cronuts."

"No! You are in an abusive relationship with them because they pretend to be all nice and sweet but at the end of the day they kill you!" Sam hit his hands against the ground. One of the dumb bells started rolling. They both watched it while not doing anything. Then the dumb bell vanished behind a curtain. Sam and Blaine looked at each other for a few moments.

"On second thought, jogging will do you better", Sam said and jumped up.

"I agree." Blaine grasped his wallet (on the way to Central Park was a cronut shop) and they hurried out just in time to dodge the screaming that now started because Rachel had discovered the dumb bell in front of her feet.

Kurt was in the best mood ever. He had been in doubt about Blaine ever since the proposal (he didn't even know why he had agreed in the first place since he had wanted to be just friends just one day before) and now Blaine had become really fat so that had sealed the deal and given Kurt the best reason to dumb him. Stupid boy had even made it all about him when it fact it was his fault! He could have talked to Kurt about whatever problems he had instead of swallowing them down with cronuts. Tsk.

And now! Elliott!

Full of spirit Kurt knocked against Elliott's apartment door. They would be the best couple ever. And yes, Elliott would want Kurt, he just knew it. There had been some sexual tension between them. Elliott had looked at Kurt the way Blaine looked at Sam when he thought Kurt wasn't watching (another reason to dumb his big sorry ass!).

After like five minutes Elliott opened the door a tiny gap.

"Yeah?"

"Hey Elliott!" Kurt waved. "It's me, Kurt! I'm single now because Blaine looks like the Michelin Man."

Elliott frowns. "Yesterday I've met him and he looked like he always does."

"Well, you've never peaked under his clothes. Can I come in?"

"Uh, bad time right now…" Elliott blushed. Kurt tried to look past him because what could Elliott possibly be doing that he didn't have time for Kurt, right? Maybe preparing a surprise for him? Roses on the floor and everything?

"Who is it?" Someone called. Someone male, and he had sounded very naked, too. But the worst thing was that…

"You – Was that Adam Crawford?" Kurt asked.

"You know Adam?"

"He's my – Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat are you doing with him!?" Kurt pointed with both his index fingers at Elliott.

"Well, we were both tired." Elliott grinned very dirty.

"I don't get it", Kurt said.

"Sleeping, Kurt, we are sleeping together."

"Oh… OH! MY GOD! NO!"

"Goodbye then!" Elliott waved and closed the door.

No. How could that be? Noooooo! Kurt hurried home and started to cry. Both of his exes! Oh, wait, no, he had never been together with Elliot. But still! Kurt put on "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club and plundered the freezer. He needed ice cream now. And a few tissues. And Moulin Rouge, the best love movie ever. And tomorrow he would go to Lima to cry even more on his Daddies shoulder.

"Blaine, no!" Sam grabbed the cronut from Blaine's hand and held it above his head where Blaine couldn't reach it. "Use your JEDI POWER."

"I don't have fucking Jedi Power! There is no such thing! Now give me back my cronut!" Blaine hopped around Sam in order to get the pastry back. Sam realised that this was an excellent work-out for the both of them. He trained his arms by holding up the cronut and Blaine burned energy by jumping up and down, perfect!

After ten minutes Blaine gave up and broke down on the couch.

"My blood pressure! I need water!" he grunted.

"How many of those did you eat today?" Sam asked as he threw the stupid cronut away.

"Mh only eight."

"Oh, oh, only! From now on I will come with you to school to help you keeping to your diet."

"No, Sam, really."

"You hired me and now I will do my job."

Blaine set up on the couch and pulled out his phone. He had heard the news. Kurt was in Lima, working in his father's garage. Kurt! Working in garage! What even?

"Do you want me to do my job?" Sam asked. He sat down next to Blaine and gave him a glass of water. Blaine drank it with five big gulps and gave Sam back the empty glass.

"Sure, do your job", he mumbled.

"Do you want my help?"

"Yes, Sam, I'm not backing down!"

Sam put the glass on the table and then, with one fast movement, took off his shirt. His perfect upper body with those really defined abs and biceps and chest and… he was a bit sweaty from the cronut work-out and Blaine just wanted to lick all over him.

Then he realised he was staring and quickly looked into Sam's eyes.

"Hehe, I was just checking out how I will look soon", he lied.

Sam shook his head. "You will not look like me if you keep up your old habits."

"Okay." Blaine nodded and checked out Sam again. Should he stop it or…? Nah. Sam liked it. Sam flexed his biceps and stroked over his own abs. Blaine swallowed sickly. He wanted to do that, too. And then dive his tongue into Sam's bellybutton and suck on his nipples. And that treasure trail… okay, let's not go there. The mind had to be kept out of the gutter at least a little bit.

"Blaine, today is Tuesday. If you have stuck to your diet and worked out every day until… let's say Saturday I will reward you."

"Mhmh, with cronuts?" Blaine licked over his lips at the thought of those delicious pastries. Wait, where had Sam put the one he had been eating earlier?

"No, with this." Sam drove a hand slowly down his chest. Blaine followed it for a few hypnotised moments before he pulled himself together and looked at Sam's face.

"What?"

"I'm your reward. You will be allowed to touch my abs for a few minutes."

Blaine goggled at Sam. What? "You're crazy. What makes you think I would want… I would torture myself for days just for a few minutes of…" His eyes went down again.

"Yeah… exactly that look makes me think you will keep to the plan", Sam said.

Blaine laughed awkwardly. What? Sam couldn't just… detect Blaine's weaknesses and bribe him with it. That wasn't what best friends did. Personal coaches on the other hand…

"Yeah, okay", Blaine said. "Deal." He reached out his hand and Sam shook it. Blaine started to grin. It would be no problem to keep away from cronuts and soon he would be allowed to touch those abs! Finally! After all those years, oh wow.

At the same time Elliott and Adam needed a break. They had known they were the perfect match as soon as their eyes had met last week in the supermarket. They hadn't done much since then, well, in fact they hadn't left the bed but now Adam just needed to ask: "Who was at the door?"

"Oh, a friend of mine. You don't know him."

"But maybe I do. What's his name?"

"Kurt Hummel!"

"OOOMG! He left me to get engaged to a high school boy!"

"Well, he left the high school boy who's not in high school anymore and just wanted to get it on with me."

"Oh! Why haven't you invited him in?"

"Ahahaha, so funny, you! I'm not going to share you!" Elliott kissed Adam gently and also softly.

The days went by. Kurt didn't know why he had said yes to Burt's suggestion to work in the garage but then again it gave him an excuse to live in Lima and go to McKinley and Dalton to remember old times. Ah, good times!

"Hey, remember the good old times?" Kurt asked a boy. Today he sat with a coffee in his hands in front of Dalton Academy and watched students, totally uncreepy of course. Once in a while he talked to someone, like this boy who had dark curly hair and looked like he could sing.

The boy gave him a weird look and went away.

"Tsk, the youth of today, so rude", Kurt said.

"Excuse me?" A police officer said.

"Yes, sir?"

"You can't sit here every day and look at the boys. That's creepy."

"No, no, you don' understand, it's not creepy! See, I used to go here and met my boyfriend but we broke up because he's fat and now I'm trying to remember how things have been!"

The police officer didn't really believe Kurt but what could he do. He was just a police officer. So he went away.

Staying away from cronuts was hard. Blaine didn't know how anyone did it. They were everywhere. No matter in which direction he turned, cronuts looked at him. Begged him to eat them. Oh God, they looked delicious. His mouth watered, his tongue licked over his lips in anticipation of the sweet taste of those perfect pastries but… there was none. He put salad and fruits into his mouth. Ugh.

Yes, yes. If he did it he could taste from Sam's abs on the weekend. But was it really worth it? Abs versus cronuts? Five minutes of sexual pleasant stuff against ten delicious times per day in that Blaine felt wonderful and loved and enjoyed his life and…

"No!"

The cronut that had magically found its way into his hand was taken away and Blaine stared blankly at his empty hand. What? He looked up to find Sam's furious face in front of him.

"This is poison, you hear me, poison!" Sam threw the cronut to the ground and trampled violently on it.

"Uhm… how did you come here?" Blaine looked around. Yes, he was still on the NYADA campus. At the bakery boot in fact and many students were here, too, looking curiously at Sam who wore a headband and sport clothes and looked as if he had just interrupted a broga-session in order to stomp on (expensive!) baked goods.

"I am disappointed and offended, Blaine", Sam said. He tore up his shirt with one hand and revealed once again his perfect abs.

"I thought those were the perfect motivation for you to keep away from fattening food. What else do I have to promise you?"

Blaine scratched his head. "You don't need to… Sam… look. I'm a grown-up man…"

"Fuck him", a student generously suggested.

Red heat crept up Blaine's face and he quickly shook his head. "Uhu, you don't need to, uuuuh…"

"Do you want that, Blaine? Sex with me?" Sam asked.

"No! Sam! Come on!"

Sam crossed his arms.

"We're best friends", Blaine said.

Sam raised his eyebrows.

"I can keep my urges under control", Blaine said.

"Apparently not." Sam pointed at the cronut under his shoe.

"I will go to class now."

Sam took a deep breath. "Okay. Promise me you won't be tempted again."

"Hahaha, so funny!" Blaine grinned and turned around. Now. While he went away Blaine tried to catch his breath and calm down his pulse. Sex with Sam. Oh sweet merciful Lord. If that would ever happen… wow. No. Shit. Yes, please.

EEEND