Summary: Anna couldn't believe a certain handsome Major had found her in her underwear. Surely nothing could be more embarrassing.
Spoilers: Possible minor references to all seasons.
The Life and Times of Dr. Anna Maria Kelton
A walk on the wild side
"I think that you are the most qualified to go." Colonel Carter said to Anna as she was briefing her for the next mission.
McKay opened his mouth to protest but Colonel Carter continued. "Because for the next two days the locals are having their Fertility Festival and all men are banned from the area while the preparations are in progress. You know, like not seeing the bride before the wedding kind of thing. We have to respect their traditions as you well know. It's unfortunate that their sun is having these interesting solar flares at this precise time. But there it is."
"It's OK Dr. McKay I'm up to speed with all the research so far. It's a very simple job of the final observation and data collection now. You've done all the hard work." Anna reassured McKay while giving Colonel Carter a little knowing look.
"Hmmm. Well, yes… I have." McKay's face lightened a little.
"I think that Captain Sanders and Sergeant Morgan should accompany you Dr. Kelton, just for safety's sake, although I can't see there being any problems. The women there are very easy going and friendly.
"And the men?" Anna asked.
"We don't know quite so much about them. They're away hunting most of the time but as they're not allowed in the area either at this time, they shouldn't be a problem."
After a pause Colonel Carter looked at both Dr. Mckay and Anna. "Good that's sorted then; tomorrow morning in the Gateroom at 0700 hours. I'll inform the others."
ooooOoooo
Anna was expecting Lara for a quick gym session later that day. They had become good friends in the first few weeks of her arrival in Atlantis. Anna was running late as usual, having had a quick shower, listening to music via her headphones, so as not to disturb her neighbours, and dancing around while looking for her gym clothes. There was a knock at the door, a pause, followed by another louder knock.
"Come in Lara I'm nearly ready, I'll only be a minute" Anna shouted from the bathroom. She waltzed out into her room and there he stood…… Lorne!
"You said to come in." Lorne calmly stated, looking Anna straight in the eyes. He was his usual relaxed, unruffled self.
"Well…I…I thought it was Lara." she stammered.
"I was just passing by and Colonel Carter said you weren't answering your comms and she wanted you to know that there has been a change of plans; that it's a 0600 hour start."
"Oh… Oh… thanks." It was only then that she felt her brain click back into gear and realised that she was standing there in her underwear. Holy Crap.She was even too shocked to blush.
"Well, I'll be seeing you then, good luck for tomorrow." And he was gone. It was only when he found himself in the corridor that he allowed himself a little bit of a grin.
At that moment Lara came around the corner, had seen Lorne leave, and entered Anna's room.
"Hey was that…"
"Yes… Yes it was Lorne." Anna sighed.
"And you're in your underwear! Ooooh pray do tell! Spill the beans you naughty girl."
"Oh God it's nothing like that. I thought he was you." Anna finished dressing and nudged Lara out of the room.
"That somehow doesn't make any sense." Lara stated.
"I'll explain while we walk."
And she did.
"At least you weren't wearing your Bridget Jones knickers. Now that would have been really embarrassing," Lara giggled.
ooooOoooo
They followed the well worn path to the observation post on M8D-059 or Homara as it was locally known. Captain Lara Sanders and Sergeant Karen Morgan had been given orders to escort Anna there and keep her safe. The observation post consisted of a couple of tents and a few bits of heavy equipment, brought in by the previous team, a few days earlier.
Anna was keen to get started on her work and the time just flew by. She had never before been involved in a project which used the ancient database and ancient technology. Hopefully the results would benefit the people back home on Earth. She was enthusiastic and loved every minute of it.
Just after midday, two women from the village approached the tents and invited the team to join them in their festival preparations. They were eager to show off their new clothes and for them to join their party.
"You go and have some fun and I'll join you when I've have finished this. I'll be fine." Anna said to Lara and Karen. "I have one last piece of data to check, it won't take long."
Lara was unsure about leaving Anna on her own. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, yes. Stop worrying."
"Promise you'll come as soon as you're finished then."
"Go!"
Anna was as good as her word. In half an hour she was done. In fact she was surprised how smoothly it had all gone; finished early in fact with no hitches or complications and with enough time left to have a little peek at the celebrations. She left everything locked in the tent and set off to find the others.
The event was only a few minutes away and she quickly joined the eating and drinking. The women were showing off their newly made clothing; trying on this and that; applying face and body paints. She imagined that it wasn't much different to a London fashion week.
"How skimpy do those clothes wanna be?" whispered Lara.
"I know its enough to make you blush. We wear more on the beach." Anna mused.
"No wonder all men are banished." laughed Karen.
"I dare you to try that one on," Lara said pointing to a particularly sexy creation.
"You're kidding. God no!"
"Yeah I dare you, go on, you'll look great." Lara insisted
Anna gives a little smile. She feels in a daring kind of a mood. "Hmmm." she considers.
"OK, hand it over. And no laughing or taking photographs."
ooooOoooo
"Are they due back yet?" Mckay asked, pacing around like an expectant father.
Zelenka tried to calm him. "They're not expected back for another few hours. Stop worrying. If anything was wrong I'm sure we would…………."
"Do you know how important this data is? Weeks and weeks of work have gone into this project." McKay interrupted.
"This is Colonel Carter; will Dr. McKay, Colonel Sheppard, and Ronon come to the Gateroom please," the comms blared out.
Captain Sanders was desperately trying to explain the situation to Colonel Carter as Sheppard, Mckay and Ronon arrived.
"Well Ma'am. We were invited to share food and drink with the villagers and watch their wedding preparations. You know we thought we'd learn about their culture and stuff."
McKay was incredulous "You went to a party?"
Lara ignored the remark and carried on. "After a couple of hours we fell asleep; just couldn't keep our eyes open. Later we awoke and found that they were all gone. The women; Anna; all of them! We searched and searched and searched. No signs of a struggle or anything. All the equipment and her observation data were still in the tent. It's like they vanished into thin air."
Sheppard looked annoyed. "Your orders were to look after Dr. Kelton, Captain. We'll be having another conversation about this later."
"Yes Sir." Sanders was already feeling totally miserable. She knew she had failed in her mission and had lost her good friend in the bargain. She couldn't feel worse if she'd been busted down to Lieutenant, which she probably would be.
Colonel Carter turned to Sheppard. "You'd better get ready Colonel. Take Lorne and his team as well."
"What about this wedding thing we have to avoid?" Sheppard asks.
Colonel Carter continued"I think it would be wise to take a cloaked jumper and spend as little time on foot as possible. Try not to be seen. We could do without any incidents."
ooooOoooo
"So tell me Sheppard, why isn't Teyla coming on this mission?" McKay asks a second time.
"Because she's not feeling very well I guess." Sheppard replied.
"Yeah she looked a bit green this morning" Ronon chipped in.
"No. No. There's definitely more to it than that, I can tell. She seemed really irritated that she wasn't coming."
Sheppard gave Rodney a look. "I don't know, give it a rest."
"I was just saying," McKay carried on muttering while he gave the life sign detector a bit of a smack. "This thing is pretty useless at the moment due to the solar activity interfering with the magnetic fields."
"Well, we'll just have to manage the old fashioned way then won't we." Sheppard replied while reloading his P90.
Lorne was first out of the puddle jumper, checking his pistol into his leg holster as he walked down the ramp and took a look around. "Looks very peaceful," Lorne observed.
"Yeah, well looks can be deceiving." Sheppard replied.
They took the same path to the settlement as Anna had done the previous day. They all spread out and had a quick look around but it's obvious that the place was deserted.
"Nothing here, just the remains of one great big party, let's move on." Sheppard ordered.
The teams kept to the edge of the forest and continued to follow the path to a small group of wooden shacks tucked away a short distance from the observation post.
Sheppard made hand signals ordering the search all the buildings. He moved into the first building, gun poised and ready.
A sound was heard coming from a darkened alcove in the corner of the room, he looked and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anna? What on earth happened to you?"
Before Anna could answer, Sheppard activated his radio "Sheppard here. I've found Dr. Kelton alive and well."
Anna looked up and smiled. "Hey Sheppard have you come to the party? Everyone seems to have left; the party poopers. I've been looking everywhere for Lara and Karen."
"The party's over; time to go home." Sheppard replied firmly.
All the others quickly arrived and they too look relieved, until Anna stood up and walked over towards them into the light. The look on their faces quickly changed to one of shock and disbelief.
Anna was still wearing the fertility wedding clothes she had tried on earlier, with gold and crimson paints drawn on her face and body. The total effect was beautiful and stunning, though she was totally oblivious to the reaction she was getting. She flounced eagerly towards them.
"Oh I'm glad you've come because you'll never guess?" she said brightly "I've been prepared for the man of my dreams. How could a girl refuse that? Heh?" And she giggled.
"Apparently, I get to choose." Anna continued.
Sheppard opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
"I now get to choose the man of my dreams." She repeated "My one and only. Now who is it going to be?" she smiled.
The men just stood there mesmerised by the sight of her, like rabbits caught in a vehicle's headlights. Anna began inspecting them one by one.
She poked Sheppard on his chest and looked him straight in the eye. "Very cute and nice hair flyboy but, no, not you." She then moved onto Mckay "Cute and smart but you're kinda my boss so, no, not you either." She then comes to Ronon and runs her fingers gently down his arm "Mmmm very nice " and her eyes slowly looked up to his face "but much too tall so, no, not you either."
Lorne's men were standing by the doorway and took a few steps back to avoid her gaze.
She then looked over and pointed towards Lorne with a big smile on her face.
"I think you" Anna announced and pounced on him like a cat finding its prey.
This time the usual calm, controlled exterior of the Major was shattered and there was a definite look of horror on his face as Anna draped herself around him. He was aware that all eyes were on him and he didn't dare take hold of her as there didn't seem to be any area of her which wasn't naked skin. He just held out his arms in such in a way so as not to touch her.
"I want you to be my mine." Anna said as she took his head in her hands and pulled his face towards hers and eagerly kissed him.
At that point Sheppard came to his senses. "Major!" he shouted. A second passed. "Lorne!…." he bellowed.
With that, Lorne jolted out of his trance and grabbed Anna by the shoulders and uncoupled her from his lips.
"Oh you're such a spoil sport." Anna pouted, smacking him playfully on the shoulder.
"You're mine though. I choose you. That's the law here. The women choose."
Sheppard ignored Anna's rantings as he looked through the doorway towards the hills behind her.
"Oh crap, looks like we've got company. Really angry company. We need to leave now!"
Everyone turned to look and not too far in the distance, a group of about thirty men could be seen racing towards them; all carrying weapons, screaming and shouting, which was getting louder by the minute.
"OK Major, as you're the one" Sheppard emphasizes sarcastically to Lorne "pick her up and let's go."
He continues "Everyone, get a move on or they'll soon be on us!"
Lorne had put Anna over his shoulder and was running at a pretty good pace but was being slowed by her kicking and struggling as she dangled over his shoulder. Every now and then Anna announced with glee "I'm watching your six Lorne. I've got you covered." She was totally oblivious to the danger but the others weren't.
"Run faster!" Sheppard ordered as bullets flew over their heads. They ducked and weaved in order to avoid them with their breathing getting laboured as they ran as fast as they could. Ronon and Sheppard were trailing at the rear giving cover to Lorne and Anna as they had started to lag behind.
"I thought they were simple hunters? What kind of weapon is that?" McKay questioned breathlessly as a weapons blast hits a tree right by his head and it burst into flames sending splinters off in all directions with one smacking him in the face.
"I've been hit, I'm bleeding!" cried Mckay as he continued to run.
One bullet zinged past Lorne's head and another grazed his arm. Another blast smacked into the ground just where Sheppard and Ronon had been moments before sending debris and shrapnel flying into the air. Another blast ripped through the air just missing Lorne's men who succeeded in diving out of the way. Ronon managed to get off a couple of shots from his stunner and two of the men leading the oncoming charge crumpled in a heap. This made the other Homaran men pause briefly; and it was just enough time for everyone to scramble aboard the jumper.
Sheppard leapt into the pilot's seat, activated the controls, cloaked the jumper and took off just as the angry mob arrived and started blasting at thin air.
Inside the jumper everyone was subdued; dirty; nursing cuts and bruises. Anna was now very quiet and her eyes were closed.
"How is she?" enquired McKay handing Lorne a blanket to cover her.
"She really doesn't look good. She's gone very pale and her pulse is erratic."
Just as Sheppard was calling into Atlantis, Anna started to convulse.
"We also have an emergency. Have a medical team standing by in the jumper bay."
ooooOoooo
Later that day, Dr Keller was discussing Anna's condition with Colonel Carter in the infirmary. "She'll be fine in a few days. The drug in her system seems to have broken down very quickly and the effects have almost worn off. It acts on part of the brain which normally controls your inhibitions; a bit like alcohol but with that little bit extra. It's part of the wedding ritual and I don't for one minute think it is harmful to the indigenous population. It didn't have the same effect on the Sanders and Morgan, luckily. Just made them sleep. I imagine the Homaran women just take it in their stride. Anna was unlucky I guess with such an extreme reaction."
"What about everyone else? There seem to be a few injuries." Colonel Carter enquired.
"Luckily, just cuts and bruises, nothing serious; they were very lucky."
Carter left the infirmary just as Lorne was visiting. "Can she have visitors Doc?" Lorne asked.
"Yes, just don't stay to long. I'm keeping her sedated until all the drug in her system has gone." Lorne nodded an okay and walked up to Anna's bed. She saw him, was horrified and looked as if she was about to speak.
Lorne put his hand up. "Before you say anything Anna, let me go first. I just think you need to know something. A while ago an alien entity gave me nightmares, and I tried to shoot Colonel Sheppard while I was sleepwalking. Another time we all lost our memories here and I stunned Teyla and put her in detention. And that is just for starters. Everyone has been in some kind of weird situation here. It's just something we all live with. Wraith attacks, fear, danger and constant embarrassment," and he laughed.
"Thanks Major. You're being very kind about it."
"Oh please. Call me Evan. And I mean it Anna, forget about it. Believe me it'll drive you crazy if you don't."
"Even so, I feel so embarrassed. Oh God I'm so sorry. What I said to you and in front of your CO as well. What must you think of me? " She blushed and cringed at the thought of it. Little pin pricks of tears started to form in her eyes.
"Like I said," Lorne said softly "just forget it. I have. Now get some sleep." he reached over and gently squeezed her hand and smiled. "And for what it's worth, I think you're great."
Anna watched him walk away. An officer and a gentleman indeed.
ooooOoooo