Warning: Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...
But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting something, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...
Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.
Chapter II: The Movie Begins
"'ThE sUn WaS sHiNiNg On ThE sEa, ShInInG wItH aLl HiS mIgHt. He DiD hIs VeRy BeSt To MaKe ThE bIlLoWs SmOoTh AnD bRiGhT, aNd ThIs WaS oDd, BeCaUsE iT wAs ThE mIdDlE oF tHe NiGhT...'"
Jervis Tetch was delighted. In Arkham, it was hard to keep up with the times...and, when the times involved a mega-blockbuster based on his passion, it was no surprise no one at the Asylum told him so. He had never even seen the commercials (which was especially depressing, now that he thought about it).
So, naturally, he didn't know what to expect when, en route to his hideout one day, he had passed a shabby film store and seen a simple cardboard sign on the window reading "Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland sold here." (The word "here" had actually been spelled as "hear," but the Hatter got the idea.) He immediately purchased...or, rather, stole...the film from the rental store. It had been contained in a black case, like the cases of most DVD rental stores, which only excited him more; he could barely contain his joy. Now the surprise would be even more...well, surprising!
The Mad Hatter hustled about the makeshift kitchen in the aged toy warehouse (the sign outside called it "The Mock Turtle Toy Co.") he had made his home. He had set up a coffee table in front of the old television set he had installed, and the boxes of films based on his cherished stories (and there were plenty of those) lay on the floor near it. He placed the steaming teapot on the table carefully, and then quickly set up two cups and saucers. He took a loaf of bread from his cupboard, and a tub of margarine (a suitable replacement for real butter, he thought with a shrug), and placed them on the table as well. Finally, he placed a bowl of cream and a sugar bowl down.
"There!" he chuckled, fastidiously brushing his hands on his trousers. "That should take care of it."
He was dressed in fairly normal clothes – a black collared shirt with long sleeves and blue trousers – save for the hat on his head, which he made a point of wearing as often as possible. (He WAS the Mad Hatter, after all.) He had removed his gloves, but put them back on, now that the work was done. With a smile, he took his old, tattered copy of Through the Looking-Glass from its place on a nearby shelf, and began to read as he awaited his guest.
He didn't have very long to wait; he had barely gotten to the first line of Jabberwocky when a knock came at the door.
Placing the book back on the shelf, Jervis ran to greet his friend.
"Jonathan!" he grinned. "So good of you to come!"
The Scarecrow wore dark glasses and a raincoat over his usual outfit. He removed the cap from his flat-topped head and hung it on the hat rack (which was inhabited by at least five more hats that matched the Hatter's own).
"This better not be a total waste of time," he said simply.
Tetch rolled his eyes.
"It's a movie, my dear man," he said with a smile. "The point of these things IS to waste time. To relax!"
"Yes, and in your case, to drool over the lead."
Jervis scowled.
"I do NOT drool over the actresses who play my Alice, Scarecrow."
"Really?" smirked Crane. "You came awfully close with that Majorino one..."
Jervis snorted.
"Poppycock," he huffed, and strode back to the table. "The tea is ready and the table is set. Please, sit down and have a cup."
Jonathan placed his coat on the rack and sat on the couch before the table. He carefully poured himself a cup of tea, and sat back, free arm crossed over his chest, legs crossed at the knee, while the Mad Hatter slipped the film into the DVD player and turned on the television.
He raced to his seat, and poured himself a cup, fidgeting excitedly as he waited for the film to start.
As he took his first sip, the familiar sight of a castle greeted them...
"Oh, so this is a Disney film," murmered Jervis.
"Great," Jonathan sneered.
The Hatter paid him no heed.
The title flew into view, written in curving, golden lettering...
"Oh, Alice, dear, where have you been...?"
The age: Victorian England. The place: Christ Church, Oxford. The night was cold and foggy. A single light shone in the home of the Kingsleigh family. A shadow moved about thoughtfully...
"Hm. Well, this doesn't seem too bad," Jervis said with a shrug. "The music's nice, they have a pretty good design for their period...I'm intrigued."
"That's not hard for you."
The Hatter just rolled his eyes and took another sip.
"This venture of yours is impossible!"
"For some, the only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it IS possible."
"That kind of thinking could ruin you!"
"I'm willing to take that chance. Imagine: trading posts in Rangoon, Bangkok, Jakarta..."
Scarecrow sighed, and placed a hand over his eyes.
"Oh, boy, we're in trouble..."
"For once, I must agree: this isn't an impossible idea this...Charles fellow is presenting. He's presenting a new idea for economics! These men should be like snarks on a dying Baker! It's genius!"
Charles Kingsleigh stopped; a small figure in a white nightgown, her golden hair spilling over her shoulders, coughed as she crept towards the door...
"What in heaven...?"
"Is that...Alice?"
"I think so..."
"She looks like that Regan child from those 'Exorcist' films! Her eyes are all shadowed, the face is blank...is this bad acting and makeup, or did I grab a horror film by mistake?"
"The Nightmare, again?"
The young girl sniffled, and nodded.
Charles sighed, and put down his glass of champagne, moving over to his daughter.
"I won't be long," he said to his companions, and led Alice back to her room. He tucked her into bed, and then sat down beside her.
"Tell me."
"I'm falling...down a dark hole...then I see...strange creatures."
"What kinds of creatures?"
"Well...there's a dodo bird, a rabbit in a waistcoat, and a smiling cat..."
"I didn't know cats could smile," said the father with a small smile.
"Neither did I," sighed the child, and continued. "And there's a blue caterpillar."
"Blue caterpillar?"
"Mm-hm."
There was a short silence.
"Do you think I've gone 'round the bend?" whispered the girl.
The father bit his lip, and held the back of his hand to her forehead...
"'Yes, my dear. I'm afraid I do,'" sighed Jonathan, mimicking the man on the screen.
"Why is he taking her temperature, anyway?"
"I'm afraid so. You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head."
The girl looked about ready to cry...
"But I'll tell you a secret..."
The father paused and smiled.
"All the best people are."
"Oh, yes. We're living proof of that."
The scene changes; a carriage rides down a green path. The words "thirteen years later" appear on the screen...
"Thirteen YEARS?"
"What about it?" snapped Crane, already growing irritated.
"I don't know...this is the company who had a mermaid and a prince fall in love in three days, and the filmmaker that got a Skellington and a ragdoll together in only a few weeks. What happened in all that time?"
"Oh, nothing interesting, I'm sure."
Alice sighed as she stared out the window. Her mother stared at her thoughtfully...
Jervis shuddered.
"Well, good to see she hasn't mellowed with age," he grumbled. "Seriously, why does this Alice look like a corpse?"
"Well..." began Crane, smirking.
"Never mind, never mind!" the Hatter said hastily, waving his hands dismissively and taking another drink.
The Scarecrow chuckled and leaned back, taking a sip of his own tea. This could prove fun after all...
"Where's your corset?"
Alice said nothing.
Her mother, Helen, frowned, and pulled up her dress...
"And no stockings?"
"Okay, first of all: they are stockings. No one is going to notice with a dress that long. Second...am I the only one growing uncomfortable with the fact that this elderly woman just pulled up the skirt of her daughter?"
"They're mother and daughter, Tetch. Deal with it."
"It still seems...odd..."
"I'm against them."
"But you're not properly dressed!"
"Who's to say what is proper? What if it was agreed that 'proper' was wearing a codfish on your head? Would you wear it?"
The Hatter sighed wearily.
"Alice, darling...the corset I understand, but the stockings were really just socks..."
"I thought you just said it wouldn't matter."
"It wouldn't. She still seems to be making a fuss over nothing, though."
"Please, not today."
"Father would have laughed..."
Alice stopped short, and looked toward her mother.
She had bowed her head.
"I'm sorry," Alice apologized, sincerely.
"Hold on there...her father is dead?"
"Apparently."
"Well...when did that happen?"
"Clearly, sometime during the thirteen years they skipped over."
"Yes, but WHEN? A lot can happen in thirteen years; when did he die? And how?"
"I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night."
"Ah. Well, that would explain the bags under her eyes..."
"Did you have bad dreams again?"
"Only one...it's always been the same for as long as I can remember."
There was a pause.
"Do you think that's normal?" Alice asked. "Don't most people have different dreams?"
Helen sighed and shook her head.
"I don't know..."
"After all, I'M not a normal person..." Tetch said, snootily, mimicking the mother.
The two finally arrived at the home of the Ascots. Lord and Lady Ascot were waiting outside the door. The woman greeted them with her usual warmth and grace...
"At last," she snorted. "We thought you'd never arrive."
"We almost didn't," sniffed Crane, mimicking Alice. "Your perfume smells like fish."
"Alice, Hamish is waiting to dance with you. Go."
Alice bowed, glanced at her mother, and walked off, clearly not eager to dance – or speak – with Hamish Ascot...
"You do realize its well past 4:00?" hissed Lady Ascot. "Now everything will have to be rushed through!"
"I am sorry..." Helen began.
"Oh, never mind!" sighed Lady Ascot, tossing her head and strutting away.
"I must go and do something pointless," sniffed Tetch, mimicking Lady Ascot.
"Forgive my wife," said Lord Ascot, smiling apologetically. "She's been planning this affair for over twenty years."
"Wow. She needs to get out more."
"Shh!" shushed the Hatter, and took a sip of his tea.
"If only Charles were here..." murmered Helen Kingsleigh.
"My condolences," said Lord Ascot, kindly. "I think of your husband often: he was truly a man of vision."
"Which is why I refused his offer to make me even richer, and called him an idiot..."
"Shh! Jonathan, please!"
"I hope you don't think I've taken advantage of your misfortunes..."
"Of course not!" smiled Helen. "I'm pleased that you purchased the company."
"By which I mean I'm going to sue you for all you own."
Meanwhile, on the dance stage in the gardens, Alice Kingsleigh bowed mechanically to Hamish Ascot; a red haired young man with a nose like a hawk's beak and buckteeth that would have made a rat squirm...
"Hm. I'm guessing this guy's going to be the Hatter later on..."
"Oh? Wherever did you get that idea?" smiled Crane.
Tetch rolled his eyes.
"Shut up, Jonathan."
The dance began. The men and women took pairs, advanced twice, then retreated...
"My, isn't this riveting..." mumbled Crane, resting his head in his hands again.
"It's the Quadrille, Jonathan. A dance."
"It's boring."
Jervis shrugged.
"Hamish, do you ever get tired of the Quadrille?"
"On the contrary," snorted Hamish. "I find it invigorating."
"By the way," said Scarecrow, putting his own nose up into the air and mimicking the red-haired man, "Have you noticed how fresh the air is today? Thank God for Febreze!"
Hamish noticed his mother standing a ways off. They nodded to each other, and the Ascots' son discreetly led Alice off the dance floor.
"Alice, meet me under the gazebo in precisely ten minutes," he said, nodded firmly, and left without another word.
Alice watched him go, puzzled, and then turned...
To see the Chattaway twins.
"We have a secret to tell you," said the first, named Faith.
"If you're telling me, then it's not much of a secret," Alice pointed out.
"Perhaps we shouldn't?" asked Fiona, her sister.
"We decided we should." Faith reminded.
"But if we tell her, she won't be surprised!"
"Will you be surprised?" asked Faith.
"Not if you tell me," Alice said slowly, confused. "But, now that you've brought it up, you have to."
"No, we don't." smiled Faith.
"In fact we won't," giggled Fiona.
"I'm annoyed," growled Scarecrow.
"Oh, worry not, my friend...I don't think they'll be sticking around much longer."
"Good."
Alice smirked, and looked the twins dead in the eye.
"I wonder if your mother knows that you two swim naked in Havershim's Pond?"
Faith and Fiona's smiles faded fast.
"You wouldn't!" gasped Faith.
"Oh, but I would," Alice grinned. "There's your mother right now," she added, pointing off in the direction Mrs. Chattaway was in.
Jervis stared.
"Er...this IS a Disney film, right?" he asked, clearing his throat and slowly putting down his teacup.
"I'm more curious as to how SHE knew..." Crane said thoughtfully.
"Hamish is going to ask for your hand!"Fiona blurted out.
Alice gaped.
"Oh! You've ruined the surprise!" gasped another voice. It was Margaret, Alice's sister. She took her younger sibling by the shoulder, and guided her away from the gossipy twins.
"Urgh!" she growled. "I could strangle them! Everyone went to so much effort to keep the secret..."
"Does everyone know?" Alice whispered, horrified.
"It's why they've all come!" smiled Margaret. "This is your engagement party!"
"It's also an ideal time to show off how melodramatic my acting is."
"Jonathan, please!"
"But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish!"
"Who then? You won't do better than a lord."
Alice glanced over to where Hamish was standing. He blew his nose into a silk handkerchief, inspected the contents, and tucked it away...
"Oh, my!" gasped Crane, imitating Hamish, "Now THAT'S a Green Giant..."
"Jonathan!"
"What?"
Jervis just shook his head and sighed, taking another sip of his tea as he turned his attention back to the screen.
"That pretty face won't last forever," Margaret warned, and then whispered softly, "You don't want to end up like Aunt Imogene..."
Alice looked off in the direction of her Aunt, seated under an umbrella at a small table, fanning herself...
"Yah!" Jervis cried out, jumping slightly in his chair. "It's the Duchess!"
"So," said Margaret happily, "You'll marry Hamish! You'll be as happy as I am with Lowell, and your life will be perfect!"
"And you'll finally be able to rid yourself of your zombie-face!"
"Alice dear!" called Lady Ascot, a horribly forced smile on her face. "Shall we take a leisurely stroll through the garden? Just you and me?"
"I'll leave you to it," whispered Margaret, and departed.
Alice watched her sister go, and then joined Lady Ascot. The wealthy woman led her through the rose hedges...
"Do you know what I've always dreaded?" asked Lady Ascot.
"The decline of the aristocracy?"
"...Ugly grandchildren. But, you're lovely; you're bound to produce little...IMBECILES!"
"Ouch."
"The gardeners have planted white roses, when I specifically asked for red."
"Oh."
"You should know that my son has extremely delicate digestion..."
Alice had stopped listening at this point.
Just then, something rustled in the bushes.
She stopped.
"Did you see that?" she asked.
"See what?" Lady Ascot replied, arching one eyebrow in question.
"It was a rabbit, I think..."
"Nasty things," sneered Lady Ascot. "I do enjoy setting the dogs on them..."
"Sadist!" snarled the Mad Hatter, glaring daggers at the woman on the screen.
The Scarecrow just smirked, and said nothing.
"If you serve Hamish the wrong foods, he could get a blockage..."
"Um...too much information..."
Alice heard another rustle. This time, she caught a glimpse of something white flashing through the bushes...
"Did you see it that time?"
"See what?"
"The rabbit!"
"Don't shout! Now, pay attention...Hamish said you were easily distracted...now what was I saying?"
"Hamish has a blockage..."
Alice froze.
The rabbit appeared in a hole in the hedge.
It looked like it was wearing a blue waistcoat...
Then it disappeared again.
"I couldn't be more interested, but you'll have to excuse me," she said quickly, and dashed off after it, leaving a confused Lady Ascot behind her.
She soon lost sight of it, and found herself back by the dance area.
Aunt Imogene sat nearby...
"Oh, horrors! Frankenstein's bride DOES exist!"
"Jonathan, do be quiet!"
"Aunt Imogene, I think I'm going mad; I keep seeing a rabbit in a waistcoat!"
"Oh, I can't be bothered by your fancy rabbit now," sighed Aunt Imogene, fanning herself some more. "I'm waiting for my fiancé..."
"You have a fiancé?" Alice asked, genuinely surprised, then, "There! Did you see it!" she cried, catching a glimpse of white and blue rounding a corner off to the left.
Aunt Imogene, who had been facing to the right, of course, did not.
"He's a prince," Aunt Imogene said, as if nothing had happened. "But, alas! He cannot marry me unless he renounces his throne! Tragic, isn't it?"
"Quite," Alice said, unable to think of anything else.
Scarecrow lifted an eyebrow.
"Huh. Pharmacophobia."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Fear of people on drugs, and drugs in general."
Alice left her Aunt, and went off in the direction she thought the rabbit had gone. As she passed another path in the hedge, she spotted something interesting...
Margaret's husband, Lowell.
Kissing another woman.
"Lowell?"
"Oh! Alice!" he gasped, and hurriedly shooed the lady away, awkwardly stepping forward. "We were just...er...Hattie's an old friend..."
"I can see you're very close."
"Look...you won't mention this to your sister, will you?"
"I don't know...I'm confused. I need time to think..."
"Alice, dear, what exactly is there to think about? You just caught your brother in law snogging another woman! Go! Tell your sister! Save her from sin, you silly girl!"
"There you are!" snapped Hamish, coming up behind them. He took Alice by the hand and, before she could think, dragged her over to the gazebo...
Where a crowd was waiting.
Hamish got down on his knees, and took her hands in his.
"Alice Kingsleigh..." he began, then paused, noticing her gaze was elsewhere.
"Hamish..."
"What is it?"
"You have a caterpillar on your shoulder."
Hamish turned, face twisting in disgust as he made to brush the tiny creature away...
"Oh, don't hurt it!" Alice pleaded, and allowed the caterpillar to crawl onto her index finger, before setting it on the ground behind her, and was quite pleased to see it crawl away into the grass.
She then turned back to Hamish.
"You'll want to wash that finger," he said, squirming.
"Mmm...now we have mysophobia..."
"Oh, calm down, Scarecrow; they're fictional."
The thin man just shrugged.
"Alice Kingsleigh," Hamish said, then paused before asking, "Will you be my wife?" and forcing a toothy grin onto his face.
"Not with that smile."
Jervis glared coldly at Crane for about three seconds, then took a long drink from his cup.
"This is happening so quickly," Alice said, backing away. "I...I think I..."
Then, as everyone at the party gazed at her in confusion, a loud ticking noise grabbed her ears...
She turned.
A White Rabbit, in a blue waistcoat and cream-colored cravat, arched an eyebrow at her and tapped the glass of a pocket watch impatiently with one paw...
"Oh, DeAr! Oh, DeAr! I sHaLl Be ToO lAtE!"
Jonathan glanced at the Hatter, puzzled.
His lips were curled up in a wide grin.
Jonathan arched an eyebrow, then shrugged it off and faced the screen again.
"I think I...I need a moment," Alice said quickly, and darted after the White Rabbit.
The Rabbit bounded off quickly. Alice chased it through the hedge maze, out into the orchard at the very edge of the Ascots' property. She ducked under a branch, and, when she raised her head again, was just in time to see the Rabbit check its watch, and then dive down into a nearby rabbit hole, at the foot of an old, gnarled tree...
"Hold on...is that the Tree of the Dead?"
"Oh, great...now Wonderland has merged with Sleepy Hollow. What next?"
"Hello?" Alice called, peering down into the darkness...
Then, she lost her grip, and found herself falling.
Down, down, down...
"WoUlD tHe FaLl NeVeR cOmE tO aN eNd...?"
Jonathan glanced at the Hatter quickly, but said nothing.
Alice screamed, passing bookshelves, paintings, cupboards, and all a manner of curious objects, all of which seemed to be floating in mid-air...
She grabbed a rope on the way down, but the chord broke, and she continued to descend.
She bumped into a piano. It fell towards her...then floated back upwards again...
"Hmph. That CGI wasn't particularly impressive..."
"Shh!"
Alice bumped into a bed, then, with another scream, bounced off and fell even farther...
Then – CRASH! – she slammed through a wooden floor.
She sat up...
And noticed what looked like a chandelier nearby...
And the fact her hair was hanging downwards...
"My, it must be humid in that rabbit-hole..."
"Shh! Not now!"
Alice cried out again, as she fell to the actual floor.
Around her was a circle of doors.
Alice ran to them and began to try the knobs...
"Remember, children: if it doesn't 'Push' open, what should you do?"
"Pull!"
"Precisely."
Alice found a small key on a glass table in the center of the room. She tried it on all the doors, but it would not fit any of them...
Then, behind a dark red curtain, she found a small door – no higher than her knee – and, to her great delight, the key fitted. She got on her hands and knees and opened the door. A stream of bright light flashed into her eyes...
"GAH! THE SUN!" cried Scarecrow, imitating Bela Lugosi.
The Hatter just rolled his eyes, and poured himself a new cup of tea...
"It's only a dream," Alice said to herself, finding a small bottle on the table. She took a drink...and coughed, hurriedly slamming it back onto the table.
She looked down at herself and gasped...
Where her clothes getting bigger...?
Or was she getting smaller...?
In a matter of seconds, she disappeared into a pile of ladies garments...
Jervis stared, the teacup halfway to his lips.
"Okay..."
Alice peeked out from under her dress...
"I can't look!" Jervis suddenly yelped, putting down his cup and covering his eyes.
Jonathan raised an eyebrow at the image on the screen.
"Um...Jervis, it's safe."
The Hatter cautiously peeped out from between his gloved fingers...
Alice tied the gray-blue undergarment she had been wearing around her and stepped out into the open.
"Wait...what is she wearing now anyway? I thought all her clothes shrank!"
Jonathan smirked.
"Do you really want to know?" he asked darkly.
Jervis thought about it for a moment, then shook his head.
"No...now that you mention, I don't," he said, and took a sip.
"You think she'd remember all this from the first time..." whispered a voice.
"Wait...was that Michael Gough?"
"I think so...hold it. 'Last time?' Jervis, is this a sequel to the books?"
"Looks like it," said the Hatter with a shrug, and stirred a little more sugar into his cup.
Alice noticed a small glass box near the foot of the table. Inside was a tiny cake, printed with the words "Eat Me" in decorative icing. Alice paused a moment...then took a bite...
She cried out as she grew to enormous heights, banging her head on the ceiling, her undergarment stretching farther and farther.
She sighed in relief when it did not tear...
"Oh, no!" snapped Crane. "I don't care if this is Wonderland or not, that DOES NOT happen!"
Jervis sighed dismally.
"I hope you know that I hate it when you're right..."
Alice grabbed the key and the bottle, took a drink, and, once she was the proper size, ran over to the door and unlocked it.
She stepped out into the sunlight...