Part II: Not Now
When the Blue Eyes White Dragon jet disappeared from view, Yami felt something twist painfully inside of him. He knew that Kaiba had to keep moving forward on his road to the future, but it still felt like something was now missing inside of Yami. His aibou was safe, his friends had been saved, and he had won the Battle City tournament, so he should have been just as excited and jubilant as the rest of the group, right? And yet all Yami could do was stare out the window as he got further and further away from what he wanted.
"Mou hitori no boku?" Yuugi asked softly, sensing the sudden darkening of Yami's mood without understanding the reason for it.
"It's nothing," Yami reassured him, although the lie sounded flat to his own ears. "Why don't you go over and talk to Jounouchi-kun?"
Yuugi was genuinely concerned about the shift in Yami's mood, but his own excitement was getting the best of him. He hadn't been in control of his body since Jounouchi had woken up and he was eager to go hug his friend to make sure that he was really okay. "Are you sure? I don't mind waiting a little longer—"
"There's no need," Yami interrupted gently as forced Yuugi to switch positions. "Have fun."
No one else had seemed to notice the change yet, so Yuugi asked one final time, "Mou hitori no boku, are you sure everything is alright?"
"Yes," Yami said, forcing a lightness into his voice that he did not feel. "I just need to think about a few things."
Yuugi had noticed that Yami was doing that more often, but he thought that was to be expected when someone learned about their past in such a way. "If you want to talk…" Yuugi started to offer, knowing that Yami would probably only come to him when he was ready.
"Thank you, aibou," Yami said with affection in his voice. "Now go over there before they start worrying about you."
Once Yami realized that Yuugi's attention was no longer focused on him, he retreated further into his soul room. Sitting on a random stair, Yami looked around the labyrinth he was now going to reside in for the next several hours, if not days. For once he was fine with that because he didn't want to be around anyone else right now. So for the time being, Yami enjoyed a few minutes of silence since his mind was so full of things to think about that he didn't know where to start. There were so many different emotions swirling inside of him that he was almost numb because of it. Just another contradiction, he realized with a frown.
What struck Yami as strange was the fact that he now had lots of memories and evidence about his past, but he was still no closer to discovering who he was. All of the insights he had gained from Seto were his interpretations of the person that Yami used to be; it easily could have been romanticized and manipulated by the passing of time. It had been him without being him, which was somewhat frustrating.
Yami was starting to get a sinking feeling that he was searching for something that no longer existed. Right now his existence was entirely comprised of the, "mou hitori no Yuugi," that he had become and had very little to do with his newfound past. All of his true memories and experiences belonged to that part of him and he was grateful that he had even been allowed that much. He hadn't truly realized how important his new life was until he had come dangerously close to losing what little identity he had constructed for himself because of Seto.
The problem was that Yami didn't feel like a pharaoh, let alone the nameless pharaoh that he used to be. He ruled over nothing, had no country of his own, or people to recognize and worship him, so how could he still call himself by a title that was no longer used in the modern world he had come to think of as his own? Hell, all he had was an empty pyramid of vacant rooms to preside over and that hardly counted for anything. At least the random throne room makes sense now, he mused to himself with a slight quirk of his lips.
Much to Yami's dismay, he hadn't recognized or identified with any of what Seto had remembered his pharaoh to be—well, maybe there had been a few things. Yami had noticed several similarities in their personalities and the way that they reacted to certain things, but there had been so many differences between them that it really was like he had been watching someone else with a striking resemblance to himself. His mind recognized that the things he had witnessed had once happened to him, but he just couldn't reconcile that existence with his own.
The pharaoh had been almost cruel at times and Yami was no longer of such capable of such extreme judgments. When he had first come to the realization that he was able to share his soul with Yuugi's, he had been a little sadistic with his Punishment Games for those who dared to hurt his aibou. Over time he had started to change because of the time he spent with Yuugi and their friends and he had definitely become softer, although Yami didn't necessarily think it was a bad thing. Perhaps the pharaoh would have been the same had he not lived in a wartime period, but Yami had no way of knowing for certain.
It was only when the pharaoh was around Seto that Yami could find a common ground with him and even then it was tentative at best. Sometimes Yami was appalled by the high-handed way the pharaoh treated his priest, but perhaps that had more to do with the fact that he couldn't imagine himself acting that way toward Kaiba.
One of the strangest parts of the whole experience was that he had observed himself without experiencing any of his own emotions. Everything he had felt had been from Seto's perspective and while it had been enlightening, they had not been his own reactions to the situation. Seto had relayed everything from annoyance to indignation and even resentment, but the most prevalent had been the love and adoration under it all and Yami had no way of knowing how much of that was reciprocated in the pharaoh. It made him wonder if Kaiba felt everything that passionately under his calm exterior, but Yami doubted that he'd ever get an answer.
Kaiba was almost more distracting to Yami than the priest. Yami knew that it was wrong to compare Kaiba to Seto, but he couldn't help it. They resembled each other enough to share certain traits, but they were different enough that it made Yami curious to discover more. At least now he had a better sense as to why he has always been so drawn to Kaiba, although he wasn't sure just how much the past had affected that.
All of the intimate fragments Seto had shown him during that first vision at the museum had been hard to accept initially, largely because of Kaiba. It had complicated things when Seto kissed him so heatedly because his mind couldn't stop imagining Kaiba, which hadn't helped any. It only proved that Yami had no interest in Seto, which was probably a good thing considering that he had been dead for over three thousand years. The parts of Seto he liked the most were all of the things that Yami associated with Kaiba and it had caused such conflicting emotions within him. Yami had never had those types of thoughts about Kaiba or anyone else for that matter, but after the vision on the roof deck it had been almost impossible to stop.
When Kaiba had sighed against his neck after they had returned from the past, Yami had been shocked by the desire it stirred deep inside of him. He had wanted more, had dared to hope for Kaiba's lips to accidentally brush against his neck, to feel those strong hands against his body—only it wasn't his body, was it?
It belonged to his aibou and Yami could never forget that fact. How could he? Anything that he experienced or felt was filtered through that connection and he had become quite spoiled of late with the frequency and duration that he was allowed to occupy his aibou's body. Yami had been in control for almost the entirety of the Battle City tournament and he had taken it for granted. Even though being around Kaiba so much had hurt because of the limited knowledge he had gained that night from the stone stele, Yami hadn't wanted to let go.
When had Yami started lingering in the hopes of one more conversation with Kaiba before returning to the Millennium Puzzle? When had he started wishing for Kaiba to acknowledge their relationship as friends instead of rivals?
Thinking back on it, Kaiba had always been a little different for Yami, but he had never really questioned why that was. Up until him, all of the others had suffered permanent repercussions from his Punishment Games and yet Kaiba had merely been subjected to nightmares during his sleeping hours that would disappear once he learned his lesson. Then at Death-T, he had shattered Kaiba's heart in the hope that he would rebuild it and become the person Yami knew he could be despite the fact that he was the only person to require a second Punishment Game.
There had been little evidence at that point to prove that Kaiba was anything other than a corrupt and sadistic bastard and yet Yami had faith that there was something more to him than that. Where had that confidence come from? He had never given his foes the benefit of the doubt before and he had subjected others to worse punishments for far lesser offenses. Kaiba had kidnapped Yuugi's grandfather, almost killed all of his aibou's friends, not to mention that he had actually forced his own younger brother to undergo the horrors of Death-T—so where had Yami's faith started? Was it really because his soul instinctively remembered and reacted to the one Kaiba shared with Seto?
After the incident at Death-T, Yami rarely had the need to take control and he had been content to be relegated to his role as protector. Everything had been fine for Yuugi and his friends after that experience, but something had changed for Yami without him ever realizing it. How else could he explain what happened at Duelist Kingdom?
He had been dueling Mokuba during the Duelist Kingdom preliminaries when he first found out that Kaiba had finally recovered and Yami had actually felt joy at that knowledge. It was part of the reason he had reacted so poorly to Pegasus' attempt at convincing him that Kaiba's dead spirit had lingered to finish their fight. How could he have died when he was just learning how to live again? He had refused to accept that Kaiba was dead, but his concentration had wavered when the doubt set in and the longer he had stared into those soulless blue eyes, the more shaken Yami had become. When he realized that the deck actually was the one Kaiba used, Yami had nearly lost it and his emotions had gotten out of control when he started to think that maybe he was truly gone after all. Was that really the reaction someone was supposed to have toward a former enemy and rival?
Even after he found out that Kaiba was still alive, Yami's anger had not abated. Instead he had unleashed his rage and channeled it through the powers granted to him by the Millennium Puzzle to warn Pegasus of the wrath he had just incurred. At that moment it had nothing to do with Yuugi's grandfather being held captive by Pegasus, but was entirely a result of his anger that Kaiba's pride had been insulted.
What had never made sense to Yami was why Pegasus had chosen Kaiba to get back at him. Had the Millennium Eye shown him something? Nothing had suggested that Kaiba would have been an effective weapon against Yami or Yuugi; Pegasus would have gotten better results by trying to use their grandfather in the duel. Yuugi wouldn't want any harm to come to his Jii-chan and Yami would have abided by his wishes, guaranteeing Pegasus their cooperation and a victory. So why had he chosen Kaiba? Was it really possible that the Millennium Eye had shown him the interactions between the priest and the pharaoh?
Yami's emotions hadn't calmed down completely by the time they finally met up with Kaiba that night and he had remained inside of the Millennium Puzzle while Yuugi returned his deck. He hadn't trusted himself or his emotions, because the relief he felt at seeing Kaiba would have betrayed him and raised suspicion. Thus Yami had remained as an invisible observer, trying to see just how much the last Punishment Game had changed Kaiba. There had been a strange sense of pride at seeing how Kaiba had triumphed, but he wisely had kept that to himself. Although he hadn't quite been able to resist appearing to challenge Kaiba just as was leaving; there had been no reason for Yami to make himself known and yet he had done such a thing. Why?
The more Yami thought about it, the more he started to suspect that the Millennium Eye really had revealed something about the pharaoh and the priest to Pegasus. Why else would he have used the real Kaiba as a challenge after the failure of the first attempt? And yet despite the severity of the surrounding circumstances, Yami had gotten caught up in the duel and enjoyed the challenge that only Kaiba could provide him.
He had been surprised by Kaiba's tactic toward the end of the fight, but Yami instinctively knew that he wouldn't act so recklessly without a reason. Kaiba wasn't one to treat his life in such a trivial manner and Yami had trusted that he had a plan of some sort. It had seemed too calculated and Yami assumed that it was an attempt at fooling Pegasus into thinking Kaiba truly was dead this time; there was something gratifying about using the man's own trick against him. Then Kaiba could have continued trying to save his brother without being hindered while the rest of the Yuugi-tachi provided a distraction to Pegasus as the tournament continued.
There had been no fear or defeat in Kaiba's defiant eyes, so Yami continued until his aibou had interrupted because of Anzu's protests. Yuugi hadn't wanted to see Kaiba hurt and Yami had been so stunned by his aibou's kindness that he had been caught off guard by their soul's exchanging places. It had secretly upset Yami because forfeiting the match insulted Kaiba's pride as a duelist in his opinion. Their duel had ended with a hollow victory for Kaiba and that wasn't what Yami had wanted for him—especially not since he had finally learned what it meant to fight for a cause. His trust in Kaiba had been absolute, but Yuugi hadn't felt the same and it was hard not to feel slighted by the lack of faith in his judgment.
When they watched Kaiba duel against Pegasus, Yami hadn't allowed himself to come out of the Millennium Puzzle because his emotions had been so dangerously close to getting out of control again. It was obvious that Pegasus was using the Millennium Eye unfairly, but Yami couldn't interfere without dishonoring Kaiba's intentions. It had already happened once because of Yuugi and Yami didn't want it to happen again. Still, it had been hard to watch.
It was only after Pegasus had defeated Kaiba that Yami had finally lost his restraint and switched places with Yuugi. His powers were once again threatening to lash out over what had been done to Kaiba and he had felt the golden eye on his forehead betraying that fact to Pegasus.
Yami should have been ashamed of the fact that he had fought mostly for the purpose of saving Kaiba. Yuugi's grandfather should have been Yami's number one priority, but he had been obsessed with the thought of Kaiba being trapped inside of the card and how to free him. Kaiba had been his driving motivation and it wasn't until after the battles were over that Yami realized just how wrong that was.
It wasn't until that day that Yami realized just how conflicted Kaiba made him feel. At the end of the tournament, Yami had stayed just long enough to make sure that Kaiba really was safe before he switched places with Yuugi. Thus his aibou had been the one to see Kaiba off at the end of the Duelist Kingdom tournament because Yami knew that any show of emotion or friendship would have been rejected outright. He had contented himself with watching the rest of the goodbye through Yuugi's eyes, feeling a swell of pride when he realized that Kaiba had finally found his final piece.
Sometime after that tournament that was when Yami had started switching more frequently with Yuugi. Usually it was only to save Yuugi from harm, but any time that Kaiba was a factor, Yami always seemed to linger. It had never made sense, but it was starting to now.
He wondered if it was a coincidence that Kaiba had started appearing more often around the same time. Kaiba always seemed so cold and removed whenever he appeared on television or at school, but he always seemed so alive when he dueled with Yami. The same was true in the reverse as well, because no one else had the same effect on Yami. He had never felt as exhilarated as when he and Kaiba had dueled together on the roof against the Masked Ghouls tag team. It wasn't even so much because it reminded him of one of Seto's stray memories of battling alongside his priest, but more the fact that it was Kaiba who had decided to stand with him and fight. It had been for a common goal of saving their most important things, but even that had lost out to the thrill of the battle. He knew that it had been the same for Kaiba, which helped lessen the guilt over becoming that distracted.
Once again Yami wondered at Kaiba's strange behavior during the Battle City preliminaries. He had sought out Yami during his fight with Marik at the riverside and then again in the alley. Not only had he helped defeat the two Ghouls, but Kaiba had stayed with him and even offered his assistance in finding Jounouchi of all people. It was no secret that Kaiba hated Jounouchi, so why had he helped? What had made him go so far as to give Yami a lift in his private helicopter to go rescue someone he hated? And what had possessed Kaiba to help save Yuugi at Domino Bay?
Yami knew that he was missing an important clue that would answer all of his questions. Had Kaiba seen something when he went to the museum and stood before the engraved tablet? Even if he had, Kaiba wouldn't admit to it, let alone believe it as fact. But if that were true, then why had he said, "Tell the mou hiroti no Yuugi that I saw his answer," before he left the Domino Bay? That single phrase meant that Kaiba acknowledged Yami as a separate entity, but it just seemed so out of character for someone who hated the, "bullshit occult nonsense," as much as him. What had changed?
Although perhaps the more important question was what will change? Kaiba still called him, "Yuugi," and hadn't acted any different toward him afterward, with the exception of the incident on the Battle Ship top deck. And now that Kaiba was gone…well, Yami just didn't know.
He suddenly feared what the knowledge would cause Kaiba to do. Would he shut everyone out even more? The fact that he might never see Kaiba again made it hard to breathe and he tried to stop such an idiotic thought. Kaiba wasn't the type to run away and eventually he would want to confront Yami about it. Yami probably wouldn't like the results, but it wasn't like he had much of a choice about it. At least I'm good at waiting, he thought with a slight smirk.
Maybe it was for the best, though. Yami needed time to get a grip on his emotions and all of the new memories that he had gained. It would be harder to do with Kaiba near because it made Yami want to act out on what he had seen. The whole thing was still too new and Yami needed time to adjust. Nothing had proved that more than when he had returned to his aibou's room after leaving Kaiba's embrace after that morning's incident.
Yami had immediately gotten into the shower to wash off the sweat and any other possible remnants that the vision had caused. His mind had been overactive and even though he was curious about his past, all he could think of was his present and Kaiba's place in it. He had intended to quickly wash himself and let Yuugi rest properly, but it hadn't quite worked out that way.
Instead he had accidentally imagined Kaiba striding into the bathroom and leaning against the doorframe with a smirk. When Yami had asked what he was doing there, Kaiba had started stripping as he approached the shower, joining Yami under the warm spray of water. "Did you really think that you could walk away from this Kaiba Seto?" he had murmured into Yami's ear as he pressed their bodies together with pleasing results.
Yami's—no, Yuugi's body had reacted to Yami's thoughts and he had stared down at his arousal in disbelief. It had never once happened while he was in control of the body and Yami wasn't sure what he should do about the problem. The decision was quickly made for him when the fantasy turned graphic. By the time he was unknowingly stroking himself as the impossible scenario played out in his mind, Yami was too lost in the pleasure to care.
He had pictured Kaiba taking him hard and fast against the wall and it had come as quite a shock to Yami when he climaxed in reality with a rather vocal moan. His legs had given out on him and he sank to the floor as he stared at the cum that had remained on his fingers. He knew that Yuugi did such things frequently—sometimes even more than once a night—but Yami had never touched his aibou's body in such a way. Yami had felt ashamed of the way he had taken advantage of Yuugi's trust and he couldn't wash off the evidence fast enough. His only saving grace was that Yuugi had no idea that it had happened, but that still didn't make it right. How could he have done such a thing?
His shame was made even worse when he finally returned to his soul room after cleaning up and getting his aibou's body back in bed. Yami had tried to think of Seto in the same way to see what fantasizing about the priest caused him to feel and it had been disheartening. It lacked the passion and need that Kaiba caused him to feel and it had accidentally triggered a sexual dream about Anzu for Yuugi that resulted with him masturbating before he even got out of bed later that day.
Yes, maybe it was a good thing that Kaiba was going to America for a little while. Yami couldn't afford to become aroused every time he was around Kaiba, so maybe the time apart would allow him to get control. Then again, maybe it would make it worse if the longing kept building up inside of him. Was Kaiba having the same problem? Probably not, Yami decided. Kaiba had probably already finished convincing himself that none of this had ever happened and had already moved on and forgotten about everything.
Even though Yami knew it was for the best, that still didn't stop it from being painful. Nothing had changed, so why was it so daunting to be apart?
Lying on his back with a sigh, Yami stared up at the inverted staircases with apathy. He wished that he could remember how to sleep, because it had to be better than torturing himself with thoughts about the warmth that he would never know again. Instead, Yami was stuck with reflecting on everything and he sighed in resignation as the hours began to drag by slowly. There was now no reason for him to leave the Millennium Puzzle and he would remain there as long as it took to make up for his transgression against Yuugi's body. It never should have happened and Yami resolved himself to quickly sorting through his problems so that he could return to the way things used to be and resume his role as Yuugi's protector.
By why did that thought hurt so much? Why did it hurt at all?
A/N: For those of you who are curious about what episodes/chapters I'm referencing:
Misc: Kaiba's first Punishment Game (volume 2, chapter 10), and throne room in the Millennium Puzzle (volume 2, chapter 14).
Death-T: Volumes 4 and 5. Part involving Kaiba's Punishment game are in volume 5, chapters 39 and 40.
Duelist Kingdom: Dueling Kaiba's ghost and Yami's shadowy hair of rage (episode 10), Kaiba's return (episode 16/volume 10, chapters 85 and 87), Kaiba and Yami's duel at Pegasus' castle (episode 24/volume 12, chapter 105), and Yami's threat to Pegasus after Kaiba's defeat (episode 27/volume 13, chapters 110 and 111).
Early Yami was beyond badass, I think. For those of you who haven't read the manga or seen YGO Season Zero, I can't implore you enough to do so. Some of the early Punishment Games involve: lighting a guy on fire with alcohol to save Anzu (volume 1, chapter 4), lighting a guy on fire via an explosion over a cultural festival booth (volume 1, chapter 6), causing a guy to get stabbed by a poisonous scorpion to revenge Jounouchi (volume 2, chapter 8), electrocuting a warehouse full of teens to save Jounouchi (volume 2, chapter 12), and lighting some kids on fire on a roof via spray paint to save a friend (volume 3, chapter 23).
Uh, so yeah. Those aren't even all of them, to say the least. Just some of the more gruesome examples. Suddenly Kaiba having nightmares about Duel Monsters seems pretty tame, ne? I just love that Yuugi and Jounouchi spend the night at the Kaiba mansion in volume 4 and the fluffy king cloak that Kaiba and Mokuba wear. Early Kaiba was funny. XD
I think I might have mentioned this somewhere else (or at least to a couple of my wonderful reviewers who don't mind me rambling to them at length) about my interpretation of the Millennium Items and the past. The versions of the priest and pharaoh are different in all of the different visions and I always tried to figure out why. Eventually I came up with the idea that each of the Millennium Items possessed memories that were influenced by their owner's interpretations. Thus the vision of cruel Seto was a result of the Millennium Tauk at the museum, the fighting Seto and pharaoh were from the Millennium Rod during the Battle City finale between Kaiba and Yami, and the Memory World arc's version was a result of what was remembered by the Millennium Puzzle. Priestess Isis' observations would be vastly different from Seto's experiences, thus why her version seems more harsh than Seto's whose Millennium Rod would be laced with his understanding. As for the pharaoh's memories, it's so questionable because of the meta-gaming going on between Bakura and Yami that altered everything as it was being lived. But that would account for the different interpretations and would lend another reason why the seven items needed to come together to finally free Yami at the end of the series.
New paragraph! Can you tell that it's starting to get hot and I'm not getting enough sleep? If nothing else, it and a visit from my dear friend accidentally resulted in a Prideshipping fic that is a crossover with Ouran High School Host Club, but I'm not sure if that will ever see the light of day. I wrote 9,000 words of it while at work, but that was the middle of the fic and nuttiness abounded. I think it was a reaction to all of the heavier stuff that I've been posting of late. I don't know how many of you are familiar/like Ouran, but there is some potential for a lot of amusing stuff there. And would you believe me if I said it was inspired by the Doma Arc? Who knew!
As for a few general wrap up points on this one, Yami and Yuugi are still sharing a body and will not be separating in this fic until the very end with the ceremonial duel. I'm personally of the camp that their appearances don't change, only their mannerisms. Otherwise when you think about it logistically (as I tend to), simple things like the uniform wouldn't fit properly because of their height difference rule it out for me. Their mannerisms, speech patterns, and attitude would definitely be different, though.
And I don't know who added this story (and Catnip Dream and Another Lesson) to the Psychological Dependence community, but thank you! I was really surprised by that and honored, so I just wanted to let whomever know that I appreciate it!
Part III: Endless Repeat
Kaiba has finally returned to Japan after being in America for several months, but the dreams seemed to have followed him home. Living through another's eyes, an eternal echo resounds through them all as another promise is made.
After Catnip I never wanted to utilize the dream theme again, but when this idea hit me, I just had to go with it. The borderline between dreams and visions was just too tempting, so hopefully you can forgive this poor authoress and not think she has fallen into complacency with clichés. And since that part is almost 7,500 words, I will not be putting it into italics, because that's just painful to read at so long a length. The overall word count will probably be closer to almost 9,500 so for those of you who are thinking that the Another Lesson chapters are a bit on the shorter side, this should give you something a little more substantial to get you through things.
I will post the third part of this on Wednesday, June 4th. The next part of Another Lesson will go up on Sunday, June 1st, so lots of stuff in the future!
There haven't been a lot of reviews on this one, but I'm loving how detailed they are. It's been fun getting to see some of your in-depth thoughts on this and the series in general, so thank you so much for taking the time to not only read my stuff, but to leave such amazing feedback as well. I'm becoming spoiled by such wonderful things! XD
Thank you and until next time!