It was freezing outside, but somehow it helped to not be in there anymore. The sting of the cold air in my throat helped me clear my head and wrap myself around the situation I put myself in. It was a big deal, right? I flipped out, said some things I probably shouldn't have, but she was still willing to let me have another go at it. Maybe she knew why I reacted that way to Brody. Oh god, what if she knew.
I peeked in through the window from the fire escape where she planted me with a thick blanket draped over my shoulders. She was walking towards me with two mugs of cocoa in her hands. She changed to some leggings and the most adorable slippers I had ever seen. Though her make-up was gone, her hair was still down, cascading over a thick grey sweater that draped over her body in the best way possible. It was a modest outfit, a stark contrast to what she was wearing before, what she was wearing for Brody. This was the outfit she wore for me. And she had never looked more beautiful, especially when her face broke into that shy smile when she saw me watching her.
Rachel handed me my mug and plopped herself down next to me on the cold metal step. Instinctively, I wrapped the blanket around her with my free hand and she scooted closer to me so it could cover both of us. I congratulated myself on that suave move. I thought a couple more of those and I could just maybe make up for being such a dick earlier.
I didn't know what to say, so I busied my mouth by taking sip after sip of the vegan hot chocolate. Interesting flavor, not as good as the real thing, and yet, it was still the best hot chocolate I had ever had.
There wasn't a great view, just more brick buildings, more windows, more fire escapes, but that was okay, because all I could see was the way she gripped her oversized mug with both of her hands, making them look even smaller. Her sweater sleeve was pulled up to halfway over her palm, just her fingers peeking out. I could barely resist the urge to stroke them with my own fingertips just to see what they felt like; if they were cold or warm, softer or rougher than when I last held her hand.
She tore me from my reverie.
"I'm really glad you're here. I really missed you." She said it so quietly it was almost a murmur.
"I really missed you, too. I'm sorr-," a biting breeze blew between the steps at our backs and she shifted even closer to me, her hip and shoulder against mine. What was I saying?
"Brody really is just a friend, Quinn."
My head snapped to the side to look at her. She knew. Oh god, she knew. I studied her face for any indication, but all I saw was her pretty profile as she looked blankly out into the expanse of street in front of us.
"You don't have to explain, Rachel. It's really none of my business."
"I just... I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
I know I could have told her all about my absolute giddiness that my idea was a "wrong idea" or about how I'm still skeptical because even if Rachel wasn't currently dating Brody, he was probably working up to that. And fast. But I couldn't say any of that because I was so thrown by earlier that all my preparation flew out the window. So I didn't say anything. I just gulped at my quickly-disappearing drink.
"He was just here to... to help me talk some things out."
"Is that what the kids are calling it these days." Oh my god, seriously? I can't keep my fucking mouth filter on for more than five minutes? I need more hot chocolate.
I played it off as a joke by chuckling nervously and elbowing her in the side. "Oh! Sorry!" Oops, she spilled some chocolate all over her hand. Nice one, Fabray. Really frickin' smooth tonight.
This was becoming an utter disaster. A horror story you think could never happen to you, only other people, and when it does, and you find yourself on a fire escape, you start to wonder if you'll survive throwing yourself over the edge of it.
She wiped her hand on her pants and took a big gulp of her drink. I finished mine off.
"What, uhm," I cleared my throat and put my mug down beside me. "Is everything alright? I mean, what did you want to talk to him about?" Good. That was good. If I could just keep asking her questions then I wouldn't have to talk much and maybe I could dig myself out of this grave. Or at least not bury myself any further.
"Yeah, everythings... better now," she smiled and glanced sideways at me. Her mug was suddenly empty, too, I noticed, but she didn't put it down.
"He must be a good listener."
"Not really," she said, scoffing a little and then laughing. "He just kept looking at my legs the whole time." Who could blame him?
"Well, you were wearing a-" hold it! Filter! "very... nice, uhm, legs." What? Good save, idiot.
She laughed brightly. "What? I was wearing nice legs?" I was thinking "skirt", and then I was thinking "legs" and the wrong word came out. Naturally.
"I mean skirt."
"That's how I dress now," she shrugged.
"Why?" I did not approve of that.
"I don't know. I feel sexy in clothes like that and when I feel sexy I feel confident and I guess I need a confidence boost lately."
"Cassandra July giving you crap."
"Bingo." Her lips upturned mirthlessly.
"So anyway, back on topic. Brody's a bad listener..." I trailed off so she could continue.
"He's a bad listener but now you're here so things are better."
What? "How does my being here equate to whatever it was you were 'talking out' getting better?"
"Because I was talking about you," she made to bring the mug up to her lips, but paused. The mug was empty.
"Me? Why me?" I gulped. She does know. Oh god.
"I heard about your professor boyfriend."
Ah, shit. I stared at the side of her face, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Speechless. How to get myself out of this one?
"I heard that he's forty-five and smokes weed and has a wife who's always pregnant."
"What?!" How many people did this rumor go through for it to have become THAT? "No, it was thirty-five, smokes a pipe, and a wife who hasn't touched him in three years."
"Oh."
"No I mean, that's what I said!" She was silent, looking down the street again. "No! No, what I mean is that's the lie I made up,"
Her face snapped to me and suddenly she was so close. "It was a lie?"
Finally. "Yes!"
"Why would... why would you say that?" her eyes were darting all over my face, she was studying me. Her brows were furrowed and it was so fucking cute.
"Because I didn't want people to know that I'm not actually seeing anybody and that I'm actually pretty lonely in New Haven." Being blunt was good, because anything else was just too exhausting at that point. And then I remembered. "Wait. How did Brody know my name? Earlier, you never introduced me, and yet he knew...," I trailed off.
"Like I said, I was talking about you. He probably guessed because of my reaction," she giggled. "Your timing really was impeccable tonight."
"Why? Did I come just as he was leaning in to kiss you and sweep you off your feet?" Ugh. And I was doing so well! I guess I just can't cope with jealousy gracefully. Ever.
She huffed. "Why do you keep doing that? I told you, it wasn't like that."
"Sorry. I guess I'm still jea- uhh... surprised."
"Yeah, well. Get over it." Ouch.
I mean, really. Ouch. It was the way she said it and the way she moved away so that we weren't touching anymore and-
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. I just hate that you think there's anything there because there isn't."
Then it clicked. "Oh, so you wish there was something there but there isn't." Again, ouch. "Sorry, I must seem really insensitive now."
"Oh my god, Quinn! Seriously, haven't you been listening?"
I had been listening. Intently. So what the fu-
She interrupted my thoughts by turning the upper part of her torso to face me. "He was with me because he's my only friend here besides Kurt and I know he only gives me the time of day because he thinks he'll get in my pants one day, but I'll take what I can get. I need to talk about YOU so I couldn't talk to Kurt. And I sure as hell couldn't talk to you about it," her voice was rising steadily. "I told you, He's just a friend. You were what was bothering me, you were what I needed to 'talk out', and now that you're here, it's better, especially now that there isn't a professor boyfriend or, even better, any boyfriend!" She was looking at me expectantly.
"Okay, okay, just a friend. Jeez."
She laughed at me. "Quinn. For someone who got accepted to an Ivy League school, you're pretty stupid."
"Excuse me, I-" I was ready argue with all my excellent grades and reasoning skills when she interrupted me.
"Just - shut up and listen, okay? God, everytime I try to tell you, you interrupt me with some ridiculous-"
"Tell me what?"
"Seriously!?"
"Sorr-," she placed a glorious finger on my lips to keep me from talking. I could swear that her eyes went to my mouth but I couldn't be sure because I was panicking.
She finally released me after a few excruciatingly blissful moments. It was excruciating because it took all of my willpower not to pucker my lips over her skin and it was blissful because it was the first time my lips had touched her anywhere, ever.
Rachel was looking at me intently, fiercely, right in the eyes and it was so difficult to hear her words. "I want to tell you that the reason I was so upset about your professor boyfriend, the reason I have been begging you to visit me for months, the reason why I email you every single night, is because I couldn't.. can't... help but develop feelings for you."
What? I wanted say so many things but the look in her eyes silenced me.
"The reason Brody knew who you were tonight is because I was talking about you. I was describing how I was beginning to feel. I hadn't planned on telling him all of that, but he was coming on to me and I had to stop him. When he asked me why I wasn't attracted to him, I had to say it. It felt good to say it. I was telling him my plan to come up to see you and tell you all about how I feel when you knocked on the door. Impeccable timing, Quinn."
"I-I.."
"I'm not finished."
"Okay." God, there's more.
Her face was flushed. It could have been the cold, but she was getting animated, excited. "I know that this is all fruitless, and I don't have any expectations, but I just wanted you to know. I needed you to know. It was eating me up inside. It was all I could think about. It was consuming me and it is just bubbling over now and I just can't contain it anymore even if our friendship suffers from it.
"I know that you probably won't want to spend any time with me now or email me anymore, but I really hope that this won't affect the friendship that we have worked so hard and so long to cultivate over the years. I had accepted a long time ago that this could never become anything and I tried to stop it, I really did."
I didn't notice when the snow started falling. I don't think she did either. She was still looking into my eyes, pleading. The snowflakes were big, but they melted as soon as they touched her cheeks.
"Stop."
"I told you. I tried to stop it. I even went out with Brody a couple times, hoping it would help. It just made it wors-"
"No, I mean stop talking."
"Oh, you're upset. I'm really sorry, Quinn. I-I can stay at Brody's place tonight and you can-,"
"Ew. No."
"-sleep on my bed. Or I can take the couch or-"
"Rachel," her hair was sprinkled in white and she was breathtaking.
"-I can help you pay for a hotel! A nice one because you deser-"
I cupped her cheeks with both hands and shut her up with my mouth on hers. Her lips were warm against mine, her cheeks slightly wet with melted snowflakes. She whimpered and stiffened against me. Her lips remained still as I let mine open and close over hers slowly, languidly. I was trying to ease her out of her shock.
I let my fingers drift from her cheeks down the sides of her neck and then back to bury in her hair. She jolted into action, probably at the feel of my cold fingers against her scalp. The mug that was in her hands clattered against the metal flooring of the fire escape and suddenly her arms were around my shoulders. Her lips parted and she drew my bottom one between her teeth. But when I let my tongue dart out against her mouth, she pulled away.
"This is... impossible," she panted out. In response, I leaned into her again. I had no thoughts, only desire. And I desired to know what she tasted like. Our lips danced together and when I titled my head to deepen the kiss, she pulled away again.
I groaned.
"I mean... there's no way this is happening. I know you don't feel the same..."
And I was the stupid one? I brought a rose! How did she not realize?
"That's not true, Rachel," I whispered against her lips. "It's not true."
When I kissed her the third time, she didn't pull away. She tasted like vegan hot chocolate, which is definitely, definitely the best hot chocolate I have ever had.