The next day, Kara withheld herself to only texting Lena twice: first in the morning checking up on her, and once more at the end of the day wishing her a good night.
On the second day, Kara shot Lena a message proposing dinner plans. Lena responded a few hours later, citing work in the lab as the reason why she wouldn't be able to make it, when really, she spent her evening staring blankly at prototypes and editing experimental design plans and skipping meals, making little progress due to Kara's voice pressing up against Lena's brain, and her own guilt growing in response.
The following day she pulled out an excuse about board meetings and then, international conference calls for the next.
"Lena, hey!" Kara's voice carried over the phone, five days after they'd last seen each other. Her words softened as she continued, "Are you okay? I've been kind of worried about you. You haven't been responding to my calls, but Jess said you were busy so I just thought you had really important things going on but it's been days now."
Lena swallowed thickly. "Yeah. I'm, um, I've been fine, just really busy. You don't have to worry."
At that, Kara's laugh bubbled forward. "Lena, I'm always gonna worry about you. That's kind of what the Danvers family does for each other. It's who we are."
Lena could practically see Kara's smile over the phone and that, combined with her bright tone and words, would usually have Lena smiling, too, have her lips curling so widely it almost hurt but instead she felt a hollow pang inside her chest and nausea rising. She pushed away the untouched salad Jess had brought in fifteen minutes earlier.
Lena wasn't like the Danvers, wasn't like Kara and once they found out, she was going to be all by herself all over again. They were going to find out she wasn't worthy, that there were broken pieces inside her that couldn't be fixed. They were going to find out the truth. It was a matter of time. Lena felt the omnipresent panic lighting up inside her again, because life without Kara didn't feel worth it.
A lump pressed in her throat as Lena swallowed and tears threatened to fall.
"Lena?"
She blinked.
"Lena, are you okay?"
A hand tangled in dark hair and she sighed, forcing herself to react. "Yeah! Yeah, I'm okay, Kara. Just a little distracted." She pressed out a breathy laugh and winced at how pitiful she sounded, empty.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"Mhmm." Lena responded, too quick, too loud. She dug her fingernails into her own arm, leaving deep red indents
"Anyway," Kara scrambled to fill the silence. "I wanted to know if you're excited for tonight?" Her voice lilted hopefully and Lena's heart dropped.
"Tonight?"
"Remember? The plans we made last week with Alex and Maggie, I literally didn't stop talking about it for days. We're going to have dinner and a quiet movie night or something. We can do anything you want, really, the plan is flexible. I'm just excited to have us all together again."
"I—I'd love to go," Lena paused and looked at her trembling fingers and the self-inflicted marks on her skin and at the mistakes visible on the papers strewn across her desk and the chess board on the coffee table reminding her of who she was and where she came from.
Her sentence hung, unfinished, in the static of the phone call and Lena's cells screamed to have Kara's arms around her, to feel the warmth against her shivering frame.
"But?" Kara prompted. In the living room of her apartment, the blonde stopped pacing and tucked her face down with a sinking feeling in her chest.
But Lena needed more time, needed to pull herself together and push this away or bury it down; fix this. Fix herself.
Shame burned in Lena's stomach. She squeezed her own arm harder. "But I um, I have to finish a stack of reports for tomorrow and I- there's no way I'll finish before midnight."
"Oh."
Lena could feel Kara deflating.
The CEO grappled for a good reason. "I'm—I'm sorry I really am. But then I— I have another international conference call tomorrow morning so I just, I won't have time, it was scheduled weeks ago."
The silence between them beat at Lena's heart like a pickaxe.
Somehow Kara breaking the quiet hurt even more. "Lena," The blonde couldn't stop the rising tears from seeping into her quivering voice. "If you don't want to spend time with me, you can just say it. Because we purposely picked this date because to—tomorrow's a Sunday and you told me that you never have conference calls on Sundays. You don't have to keep making up these excuses just to—just to spare me. I can take it, okay? Just be honest with me, Lena."
"Kara, I didn't—I… I'm sorry."
"See I don't know if I can believe that anymore. You've been blowing me off all week and I've been trying. I've been trying so hard and I thought okay, sure, you were busy the first day, the second day, even, that's fine. It's okay, I understand. But then there was a third day and a fourth day and now we're on the fifth day and I was scared, Lena. I'm scared. We were practically living at each other's apartments and now I don't even see you anymore. I'm just—I'm starting to think that maybe you don't want this, you don't want us and if that's my fault then I'm sorry, but I don't feel like I carry all the blame on this one, Lena, because you're the one who shut me out and you're the one who stopped picking up. So just—just get back to me when you figure out what you want and I'll—I'll stop being a burden to you."
"Kara—" Lena tried, but the only response she received was the blaring static of the dead line. A sob cracked open her chest and Lena's world crumbled to the sound of silence.
/
"Kara?" Alex called into her sister's apartment as Maggie closed the door behind them. Their brows furrowed at the quiet.
"Little Danvers?"
Alex glanced at the dinner ingredients lined up along the counter, the printed recipe beside them. Music from National City's most popular radio station drifted in the background from Kara's speaker. Alex scanned the apartment, moving to push open the ajar bedroom door.
"Kara, what happened? I thought Lena was going to be here?" she asked, relief filling her chest at the sight of Kara sitting on her bed, blonde hair blocking her face from view, bent over what Alex assumed was a book.
Kara glanced up, shaking her head and Alex realized Kara had been looking at her phone with tears spilling over and dripping down her cheeks. The youngest Danvers wrapped an arm around the legs drawn up toward her chest.
"Oh shit, Kara, what's wrong?"
"I don't—I don't know," she gasped, cheeks red and puffy. "She—she doesn't want m—me, I guess. I don't know what—" she pulled in a ragged breath. "What I did wrong and then I—then I yelled at her and I feel so bad, Alex."
Her older sister's arms wrapped around her heaving shoulders and pulled her close.
"I feel s—so bad," Kara murmured, words watery against the crook of Alex's neck. The older woman's dark hair stuck to Kara's damp cheeks and she hugged tighter.
`"Oh Kara." Alex ran a hand up and down her sister's back. "I think you and Lena need to talk, like really talk—face to face."
"I know," she whimpered, pulling back to wipe at the tears still pooling over with the back of her hand. "I'm trying, I just—I…"
"I know," Alex consoled and rocked back and forth with Kara tight in her embrace.
"I'm trying so hard an—and," she gasped for breath, sputtering between her words. "I feel—I feel like I'm not enough," Kara admitted, dropping her head onto her sister's shoulder and her next words were muffled against Alex's sweater. "I'm not enough for her."
"Oh, Kara, that's so not true. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You and Lena are going to get through this. And even if something goes so wrong that you two can't fix it, I'm always gonna be right here with you, okay?"
Kara nodded, looking down.
"I want to talk to Lena, too, after—"
"No! Alex you can't!" Kara said, sitting up so quickly her head knocked Alex's chin. "You're going to scare her and make it worse. You can't—"
"Ouch, Kara!" The brunette winced, rubbing her jaw. "Relax, I didn't mean it like that. I'm not going to go for a shovel talk or anything like that, all right? I promise, sister's honor." She gave a mock salute with a grin and Kara felt a small smile take over her own lips. "I just want Lena to know that we worry about her, too. I'm pissed that she's making you feel this way, but I'm also really concerned. Is that okay?"
Kara rubbed at her eyes and nodded. "I think she'll actually really appreciate that, it'll mean a lot. Thank you, Alex."
"Of course. So, I take it after all this Lena's not coming over tonight, right?" Alex asked.
Kara hiccupped and sunk back onto her bent legs. "Yeah."
"Well, we'll still have a good time, okay? And then, in a little bit or tomorrow or whenever you feel up to it, you'll call Lena and figure out a time to see each other."
Kara bit her lip and Alex leaned forward, took her hand. "It'll be okay, I know it," she reassured her sister.
"Come on," Alex said with a tilt of her head toward the door. "Still feel up to hanging out with me and Maggie?"
Kara let Alex pull her off the bed. "Always."
When they entered the kitchen, Maggie turned around and shared a quick look with Alex who stood with an arm wrapped around her sister's shoulder.
"Hi, Maggie," Kara greeted, words flat and void of their usual enthusiasm as she stepped closer.
"Hey, kid." Maggie pressed up on her toes to pull Kara into a proper hug. She squeezed a little longer than usual, rubbing her hand over the blonde's shoulder blade. "Takeout's going to be here in twenty minutes, I ordered all your favorites."
"You did?" Kara asked as she leaned back, eyes wide and voice earnest.
Maggie laughed. "I did." She tilted her head, gaze sympathetic as she looked at Kara. "I didn't think you'd really be in the mood to cook. We can save the recipe for another time."
"Thank you," Kara breathed out and pulled Maggie into another hug. It held more weight than the simple favor bore.
"We've got you, Little Danvers," Maggie promised and Alex came around with a hand on Maggie's back, leaning forward to ruffle Kara's hair.
"Love you, sis."
Kara sniffled again. "Love you both."
/
Lena was running a mental cost-benefit analysis, weighing the energy expenditure it would take to get up versus having a bottle of scotch in her hand, when a tapping resonated from the window at her balcony. She tilted her head, still bent into the palm of her hand.
Through the glass, Lena made out Kara's frame pressed up on her toes, one arm draped across her stomach and curled around the other, just above her elbow. She rocked back onto her heels, finally catching Lena's eyes. The younger woman nodded, at last, head feeling both heavy and light.
Lena made no move to stand, so Kara reach for the door and, finding it unlocked, cracked it open and slipped inside.
"Hey," Kara whispered, easing the door closed behind her.
Lena lifted her head from her hands but all the words got stuck in her throat, the thought of talking so seemingly monumental she doubted she could manage.
"I, um, I know you said you were working late, but I didn't think you'd still be here." Kara swayed on her feet with fidgeting fingers, but she kept her eyes trained softly on Lena.
The CEO's eyes flickered up toward the clock, where it depicted the time as just past two in the morning. She hadn't thought she'd still be at L-Corp now, either. "So, why'd you come?" she asked softly, voice void of any bite. "How'd you know I'd be here now?"
Kara slid a hand over her own chest, fingertips splaying across her left collarbone. "Heartbeat." She looked down, shaking her head. "I'd been listening to it and you never—it didn't really slow down after we, um, after we talked, and I know I should have waited until morning and I was going to call you then, at a decent hour, but I just couldn't wait, not when you were still here and I'd—I'd said all those things."
Lena stretched her arm and brushed the hem of Kara's cotton gray shirt with her thumb. "You're wearing pajamas."
Kara laughed softly. "Yeah." When she looked up, a smile flickered across Lena's lips. "I was lying in bed at first thinking about it all and I just had to get here as soon as I could."
"Yeah, those Christmas pajama pants definitely seem more aerodynamic than the super suit."
Kara shrugged and leaned back against Lena's desk. She tilted her head to the side, gazing at Lena, loose blonde waves spilling over her shoulder, alit by the city light filtering through the window. "The fleece really helps with the turns," she said solemnly, nose scrunching up, and despite every thud of uncertainty and worry in her chest, Lena couldn't stop the smile that spread across her lips, a little more permanent this time.
"Oh, is that so?"
Kara nodded. "Mhmm. It's backed by science."
Their composure broke in the same moment, laughs mingled together and Lena slid back in her chair.
"I'm sorry," Kara said, breaking the silence that'd followed. She dropped her gaze down to her hands in her lap and Lena let her eyes settle there, too, where Kara's fingers linked and twisted. "I shouldn't have said the things I said earlier. I was just hurt and frustrated and I lashed out on you when I should have tried harder to make sure you were okay. I—"
"Kara, it's my fault completely, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'd understand if you couldn't forgive me for the way I've been acting. I should—I'm—" she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, tears sprung forward and a breath wrenched its way through her chest. She dropped her head into her hands, shoulders shuddering.
Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, her ragged breath so loud it made nausea slosh inside her as a headache pulsated at her temples.
Then, silence and stillness, with a hand stroking across her back and the other easing her up, out of the chair and into two warm arms.
She gasped, a hot puff of air, against Kara's collarbone. Tears tracked down her cheek and onto the blonde's skin.
Kara's arms curled Lena closer and a hand worked its way up into Lena's hair, fingers drawing circles at the base of her skull beneath her ponytail. "Oh, Lena, babe, what's going on with you? You can tell me anything. I forgive you, okay? For anything you think you need forgiven. Just tell me what's wrong, let me help you."
Lena sniffled and tightened her grip, fighting the instinct to pull away and close up. Instead, she took a deep breath. "I can't lose you, Kara."
"And you won't." Kara smoothed Lena's hair and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "I'm right here with you, okay? I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry," Lena murmured, words muffled by Kara's shirt.
"You don't have to be sorry." Kara shook her head, dropped the hand in Lena's hair down to rub her back. "You seem tired, why don't you let me take you home? I know you don't really have that video conference in the morning."
A sob caught in Lena's throat and her cheeks burned.
"Oh, Lena, I don't mean it like that. I'm not mad—I mean, sure, I was frustrated at first and I'm still hurt, but clearly you're dealing with something and I just want to be here for you."
"I don't deserve you."
"I'm never going to agree to that," Kara whispered, breath warm against Lena's hair. "Come home and get some rest? We don't have to talk yet or anything, I just want you to get rest."
Lena's fingers twisted into the fabric of Kara's shirt. She took a deep breath. "Okay."
"My place or yours?"
"Yours?"
Kara smiled softly. "You've got it."
/
"We're receiving reports that a fire has broken out in National City's industrial district. The flames began at a warehouse, where employees on the night shift were working. Firefighters are on the scene trying tirelessly to control the fire that seems to be spreading as it approaches a neighboring residential area."
Kara and Lena's eyes flickered toward the TV in sync as they paused in the middle of slipping off their shoes.
"Go," Lena whispered, tilted her head toward the window.
"But—"
Lena shook her head. "They need you."
"But you—"
"I'd never forgive myself if others suffered because I prevented you from leaving."
Kara bit her lip, eyes wide as they drifted between Lena and the window then back again. She let her hand fall and wrapped it around Lena's, squeezing her cold fingers. "Twenty minutes tops and I'll be back. Just get comfortable and don't feel like you have to stay up, okay?"
Lena nodded and their hands linked, arms stretching as Kara made her way to the window until their contact broke, changed into her suit and took off into the night.
/
She made it back with 47 seconds to spare, with a smudge of soot across her cheek, and stumbled through the window pulling off her boots as she flew and slipping back into the pajamas she'd discarded in her haste to leave.
"Lena?" she called out and wiped at her cheek with a wet cloth in the kitchen before tossing it on the counter to deal with in the morning. "I'm back."
Kara pushed open the bedroom door, saw Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down.
"Lena," she said again and drew Lena's gaze upward.
"You okay?" Kara walked closer. Lena was still dressed in her pantsuit from work and her makeup was still on and her hair was still up.
"Yeah," Lena said and seemed to suddenly shift into action, turning toward Kara and getting up. "Yeah, sorry, I just got distracted."
The CEO's cheeks tinted pink.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." Kara dropped onto the bed, sitting where Lena had just moments prior. "Want to go wash your face and I'll grab your pajamas?"
Lena nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.
A few minutes passed before she slipped into bed, hesitating as she hugged edge, keeping foreign space between herself and Kara. The blonde finished typing a message on her phone before putting it onto her nightstand and flipping onto her other side to face Lena. "Sorry, Alex was just checking in after the Supergirl stuff, I kind of got in and got out of there faster than I normally do."
Lena curled her fingers together, agonizing over which words to say or if she should stay quiet and nod instead of struggling to find the right things and wondering if she could even pull together the energy to make a coherent sentence at this point, and then knowing that this wasn't right and words shouldn't be this hard to put together and that her chest was tightening and that she shouldn't be here and—
"Anyway, hey it's really late and I'm sure you're exhausted." Kara reached over and turned off the lights. She flopped onto her pillow, lying on her side and tucking her hands beneath her head as she looked at Lena. "How are you feeling?"
Kara's honeyed voice breached Lena's ruminations and the CEO shrugged. "I'm okay." She shivered, goosebumps raising on her skin.
"Cold?"
Lena nodded and Kara held out her arm, the blankets lifting with her, as she urged her girlfriend to slide closer. She wavered for a moment before slipping over. As soon as she was there, Kara let the sheets fall again and her arms came to wrap around Lena, pull her close against her chest. In a moment, Lena was engulfed in warmth and her head tilted forward into Kara's collarbone.
She didn't think she deserved this and yet, it was futile to try to stop the calm that radiated through her body, tension seeping out of her muscles, chest loosening just a bit, like relaxing was an automatic response to being so close to Kara. Lena supposed that maybe it was.
"Honestly," Lena exhaled and her breath was warm against Kara's skin. It was easier to talk in the dark, pressed against her girlfriend and steadied by the repetitive rise and fall of her chest. "I feel worn out, and I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time and I'm not worth any of this trouble and it's like everything I do just makes things worse and it all feels so pointless. I just wish, I wish I—" she cutoff and felt the silence between them like ice cold water. "Nevermind, sorry, I shouldn't have, I-"
"No, Lena." Kara tilted her head so she could see Lena's eyes in the moonlight reflecting through the window. "I want you to know that you can tell me anything and you don't have to feel guilty about it. I love all of you—the light stuff and the dark stuff and everything in between. Keep going, it's okay."
Lena shook her head. "It's all right. I'm pretty tired and I'm sure you are, too." She untangled herself from Kara's arms and tried not to feel the loss of warmth and security as she put a few inches between them. "I think I'm just going to go to sleep."
She turned onto her side so her back was to Kara.
The blonde swallowed the lump in her throat. "Goodnight, Lena," she whispered.
"Goodnight, Kara."
She turned onto her side, too, looking out the window at the rare twinkling lights smattered across apartment buildings. Her thoughts drifted to just two weeks earlier, when Lena hadn't been acting so differently like she was now. When Kara thought they were close enough to share everything with each other. She started thinking of all the ways she could help Lena feel better, without even knowing what was wrong. Her mind turned to pondering the conversation they'd need to have in the morning. She should probably make pancakes for it. Maybe she'd add chocolate chips. She definitely would. Or, actually, maybe she'd use blueberries instead because Lena always insisted on being so healthy all the time. She would probably like that better.
She paused to focus on Lena's heartbeat, to see if she'd fallen asleep yet, but the same slightly elevated pattern still sounded. Kara bit her lip and wished she could hug Lena, and she wished she could call Alex, and she wished Eliza were visiting soon because Lena would probably really like her.
"Kara?"
"Yeah?" The blonde held her breath.
Lena swallowed hard and curled her fingers around her necklace—a Christmas gift from Kara the year before. "Thank you for coming for me."
"Of course," Kara promised and shifted to glance at Lena, eyes watering, but the other woman was still lying on her side and all Kara could see was a mass of soft dark hair. She turned back around and willed herself to sleep.
Despite the exhaustion that dwelled in Lena's bones, she laid awake, eyes closed and heart beating fast as her mind twisted her thoughts in circles. She squeezed her eyes shut harder, focused on the feeling of the sheets pressed against her skin and the soft breathing of Kara falling into sleep. She went through the list of things she needed to finish tomorrow and mentally tried to draft emails that needed to be sent, but her thoughts slipped away like water in her palms and in the end, the distractions only disintegrated into more worry and disappointment swelling in her chest and growing, threatening to drown her.
A whimper escaped her lips and Kara shifted in her sleep. Before she could stop herself, Lena slid back over with tears trickling down her cheeks and splattering onto the sheet. She shifted Kara's limp arm and tucked herself beneath it, turning into Kara and biting the inside of her cheek to stop any noise from escaping.
A minute upturn curled the edges of Kara's lips and she pulled Lena closer, thumb soothing subconsciously until both their features were smoothed out and sleep had them in its grasps.
/
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Kara's eyes shot open. A warm weight convulsed at her side, flailing limbs colliding with her body.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Watery murmured words penetrated the early morning with a sharp gasp, a struggle to pull air into lungs.
The blonde sat up. "Lena." She rubbed the woman's shoulder. "You're having a nightmare, wake up."
Lena bolted up, the sheets dropping into her lap as she bent over, head in her hands, elbows on her knees, and tried to reign in the breaths tearing through her chest.
"Hey." Kara leaned forward on her knees, ran a hand down Lena's back. "Hey it's okay, I'm right here."
Lena pulled in a series of shuttering inhales and rubbed a hand across her hairline, now damp with sweat. After another deep breath, she straightened up.
"You're okay," Lena murmured, gaze distant as she ran a hand over Kara's side, her arm, her leg.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm safe and you're safe and everything is gonna be all right." Kara wrapped Lena's fingers in her own, pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. "It's okay, it wasn't real. Do you want to talk about it?"
Lena slackened into Kara's side. "No, just—just don't leave me, please please don't leave me."
Kara squeezed Lena's fingers where they were still intertwined. "I'm never going to leave you, Lena. You mean the world to me and I'm not going anywhere. Do you believe me?"
"I want to." Lena turned her head into the crook of the blonde's neck.
Kara pressed a kiss into Lena's hair. "Good, then that's more than enough. We're going to get through this, okay?"
Lena squeezed Kara's fingers back and found herself exhaling, letting her eyes close again. "Okay."