Chapter 2

Autumn of life

"I realise there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they're experts at letting things go."

~ Jeffrey McDaniel ~

I shuffle my feet and kick a small stone in anger. I'm still enraged about the controversy with Frosty a few hours ago. What the hell did she mean? I am not a fallen Angel. I kick another stone. I'm furious. Who does she think she is to interfere in my business? She should rather care about herself and her problems. She seems to have quite many. I stop at the edge of the cliff behind the institute and take a deep breath to calm my mind.

Sure, I might have done some things wrong in the past months but hey – even Jean says that it was not my fault. She probably has the best reasons to hate me after what I have done to her, Scott, and pretty much the whole team, and still she is the one to encourage me to believe that it was not my fault but Sinister's.

It wasn't my fault. It definitely wasn't my fault.

And this is the exact moment I realize the problem: They all talked me into believing that. Believing that it was not my fault: Ororo, Jean, Logan, Hank, even the Professor.

I mean, this morning I believed myself that it all wasmy fault, then Jean emerged and we had this conversation that seems to completely have changed my mindset, and now I basically…to be honest, I don't know what to believe in right now.

But now, regarding the situation from a different angle…. Maybe Frost is not that wrong after all. Maybe she is even right. Her words make so much sense now. She is able to see the situation from a much more objective point of view, a different perspective – she is able to evaluate the position much better because she herself never really was involved. And I was just too stupid to realize that. God, I feel embarrassed now. Damn it! I throw my hands up in despair and close my eyes. All the time they were encouraging me because they wanted me to feel welcome at the institute in my desperate situation. They wanted me to feel part of the team and not to feel sorry for myself all day. They felt a certain responsibility to do so because I used to be their friend. Because I managed to bring up the money they needed to rebuild the institute. They believe they can't abandon me because of that. They think they owe that to me.

Indeed, it must be just like that. It makes everything fall into place: Their strange excessive friendly behavior, their concerns and their caring in general. For sure it's all just pretended. Just make believe. It seemed conspicuous to me from the very first day I came to the institute. Then why didn't I notice that coherence earlier? Why did it take Emma Frost to open my eyes? God, I can't believe I'm actually saying this right now but Emma Frost is right. They had a bad conscience, so they accepted me on the team. Why would Frost even lie to me about something like that? She has no reason to do so; we hardly know each other. She has no reason to pay me back either 'cause I never offended her – at least not intentionally. And - in addition even - she is a telepath. She knows what's going on in peoples' minds. And I don't really class her as a telepath that respects others privacy boundaries. Hah! If someone knows what my dear teammates think of me, it's her.

I abandon these thoughts for a second and try to find an aspect that could prove the opposite. I really want to prove her wrong.

My mind wanders: They treated me like I was one of them, like I was part of the team…accepted and respected.

I affect a laugh and open my eyes – they never meant it though. Get back to reality, Warren! How could they? I betrayed them. I am no better than Emma Frost. The only difference between her deed and my one is that she got to compensate hers by sacrificing herself to the phoenix force. I never did something like that though. And in fact, her plan didn't really work out while I actually did turn Jean and Scott in to Sinister so he could experiment with their genes. Wow, that actually kinda makes me worse than Emma Frost. I shake my head and mumble: "Hell, I'm worse than Frost."

Out of nowhere a voice appears behind me: "You are not, Warren."

I turn around startled.

"How do you even come to a presumption like that?", the familiar voice belonging to Ororo continues. I must have been so immersed in my thoughts that I didn't hear her sneaking up behind me.

I look down abashed.

I move my lips to reply something but no sound is coming out. I don't even know what to answer. I'm so tired of arguing all the time. I know the truth now. Why discuss it any further?

I shake my head in despair and try again. This time I manage to stammer something like "Ororo, see…I feel like I don't really belong here. Maybe I should just go –".

Ororo doesn't even let me finish my sentence and cuts me off sharply. That's something she doesn't do too often. Usually she is the patient one here. But it seems like she is tired of listening to my complaints and tired of arguing with me as well and wants to make her point as fast as possible.

"Running away is no solution. You cannot change what happened. Sometimes we just have to go head first into future. That is how life works. Right now you might find yourself caught in a rut, but there are better times on the horizon. You will see. In a few weeks you will feel a lot better." She smiles at me confidently.

There is a brief pause before I counter: "That sounded really cheesy, you know that?"

My mouth forms a broad grin and Ororo can't hold a laugh back.

"Oh Warren…"

A moment later I sigh and the sad look on my face returns. "I just got the feeling that the others only accept me out of pity", I start, "I don't really belong to this team. I never did."

Ororo doesn't answer immediately this time. She seems to be preparing the words she is about to say carefully.

I continue before she can reply a word: "Emma Fros – ".

She interrupts me again; this time in the middle of a word even. I hope that doesn't get a habit now. It's annoying as hell.

"Don't compare yourself to Emma Frost." Ororo looks me deep in the eye. I can see the concern in hers. "You have nothing with her and her actions in common", she goes on.

"She did betray the X-Men just like I did…sorta."

"What a comparison! Warren, listen. Emma did betray us of her very own accord. It was her plan to do so from the very first moment she arrived at the institute. You, however, were controlled by Sinister. It weren't your own intentions to do so. You are a good guy, Warren. You are one of us."

"How can I be a good guy? I didn't even get to make it up to you. Emma whereas got to compensate her deed by sacrificing herself in the end."

"Emma did indeed show regret eventually, and that and her new developed motivation are pretty much the reasons why she is still on the team. But you, Warren - nobody expects you to make it up to us. You never did anything wrong. You were in a coma-like state. You were just following orders.", there is another moment of silence and Ororo steps forward to reach out for my hands. She squeezes them lightly and continues speaking: "You were always part of the team - even at times when you still lived with your father. You are one of us, Warren. Nobody here would want you to leave. I wouldn't want you to leave…".

I take a deep breath and clothe my face in smiles. Ororo is really good at arguing conclusively. She should be a debate teacher, I think to myself.

"I have to admit – you really know how to make one feel better".

Ororo raises a smile. She seems to be deeply content now.

"So, you do feel better now?"

"A bit. I don't feel like leaving the team anymore. Not for now."

"See – that wasn't so hard, was it?"

I give her a questioning look.

"I just wanted to hear you say it", she explains, "Now snap out of it!"

She lets go of my hands and steps closer to the edge of the cliff. I follow her slowly and stand next to her. Ororo closes her eyes and tilts her head back to enjoy the gentle breeze. I do the same and try to relax for a moment. I try to concentrate on everything around me, I try to absorb the surroundings with my senses: The sweet scent of the salty sea air, the repetitive rhythm of waves crashing to the shore far below. In the distance I hear the cries of the seagulls. I feel a balmy breeze blowing through my hair and the feathers of my wings. I draw a deep breath in…and breathe out leisurely again…releasing the tension in my muscles a bit more with every breath. The air around me is moist and warm. It is a regular day in the state of New York in September. The leaves will soon be changing color and falling. I open my eyes slowly. The sun now looks like a huge luminous red fireball sinking slowly into the ocean, but the daylight still lingers in the air as if accidentally left behind. The wide color spectrum of the clouds ranges from bright orange to fiery crimson, spectacular maroon to soft pink, before turning into majestic purple - announcing the oncoming night.

I absorb the last warm sunbeams of the day and gaze into the distance. I feel like I'm absorbing the sun's power and all its strength, its power caressing my very soul. This whole sensation reassures me that I can make it to another day, that I can set my life back on track again if I finally start embracing the idea that this is the not the end but the beginning of another chapter in my life. I need to stop thinking the glass is half empty and realize that it is half full. I need to start concentrating on the positive aspects again and react to the positive sides of life, the things that make me happy, the things I used to enjoy.

I want to revert back to being the old Warren again, the Warren I was back in my teenage days when the Professor first recruited me, the Warren that didn't worry about anything as abstract as the future, the Warren that took each day as it came. What am I saying? I was completely foolish and reckless back then! Why on earth would I want to go back to that?

But then again, I didn't have a care in the world, and life had not become that complicated yet in those days.

I tell myself to put the misery of the past behind me and turn my attention back to the natural world around me again. It seems to help. Now keep focused, Warren.

The sun is now sinking fast. It is only a matter of seconds before it completely disappears below the horizon. The ocean surface, however, still shimmers with the dancing beauty of floating diamonds. Time stands still, the moment is magical. My heart stops beating for a single second.
Ororo steps closer and reaches out for my arm. "This is one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen", I mumble.

"It's overwhelming, isn't it? When watching it, standing on the top of the cliff, one can easily get the feeling of being on top of the world."

I nod silently in answer.

The sun finally disappears, along with its brilliance, but the beauty of the moment lingers on. I catch sight of a single star in the distance, a few seagulls still wheeling above our heads. Not long now and they will be seeking their nests, knowing the day has come to an end, and huddle up together in natural harmony with their loved ones. I watch them and sigh. How I envy them. I wish I could just pull my body up into the sky and fly whenever and to wherever to my heart's content. I step aside from Ororo and closer to the edge of the cliff where I look down and wonder whether 50 yards are enough to gain sufficient momentum. For a single moment, the urge to throw myself off the cliff almost overcomes me. But then again, I'm sure Ororo wouldn't appreciate that. I turn my head in her direction and glance at her vaguely. Her facial expression confirms my assumption. She looks deeply shocked, like she knows what I'm about to do. Yup, she certainly wouldn't appreciate me boisterously jumping off the cliff.

Storm steps behind me and grabs my arm cautiously.

"I'm not going to do it. Don't worry", I confess grudgingly.

"Warren, … -", Ororo begins hesitantly.

"I know what you're about to say and I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of hearing it all day long! Just don't say it, okay? I am myself well aware of the fact that I am not strong enough yet, that I am too weak. That I need some more time to recover, that I am useless until I am completely recovered. For the damn last time, I don't need people telling me that!", I burst out in anger and tear away from Ororo.

I clench my fists and walk a few feet along the edge of the cliff. Then I turn around and face Ororo, who is still standing at the edge of the cliff, more insecure than before with her arms clasped around her chest. I feel horrible now. Why am I venting my frustration on Storm? She did nothing wrong. All of this isn't her fault. It's nobody's fault, to be honest.

I walk back to her and touch her shoulder. "I'm sorry 'Ro. I shouldn't be taking this out on you."

She turns around to face me and looses the clasp of her chest. "It's alright, Warren. I know how you feel", she gives me an understanding smile. In that exact moment, I notice how beautiful her smile is and how much I've missed seeing it during the last six months. I love it when she smiles, how her lips twitch up and how her eyes sparkle when she does so. I love seeing her smile. Now I feel even worse for loading her with all my problems that cause her to take on this concerned mien.

Ororo interrupts my thoughts: "I know how much you would love to take to the air right now after all this time without your wings." She sure knows what it's like to be up in the air. To watch everything from above, from the perspective of a bird. The feeling of watching over everybody from far above the clouds. Ororo has always been the only one on the team who was able to understand me concerning this matter. And she knows how much I must miss this. And I do. Oh, I do miss it terribly.

"I keep on telling myself that it's only a few more days. But that doesn't really put my mind at rest. Quite contrary rather it makes me all jittery and wired up. And you know, when I see a bird flying up there", I take a pause and glance up to the sky, "it leaves me restless somehow."
Ororo gives a slow nod: "Even though I've never been forced to stay on the ground this long, I can imagine it."

"First everything tightens inside of my body. A feeling as if I'm being suffocated and then I feel like I'm about to explode. Just like a living time bomb. I can't even describe it. I think I'll go insane if I stay down here any longer."

There's a moment of silence. Ororo looks up to the sky, which has now turned dark violet and announces the approaching nightfall. In the distance I can still hear some of the seagulls' cries but the sound of the breaking waves drowns most of them.

I make a gesture towards the dark sky: "Can't wait to get back up there again with you."

"Just wait a few more days, Warren."

I confidently draw myself up to my full height, look Ororo deep in the eyes with sincerity and extend a hand to grasp her right hand ever so gently. I make a slight bow and imply a kiss on her hand. I put it down gingerly again while I gradually straighten up. "Well, may I have the first dance at least when it's nearer the time?", I say playfully in perfect sincerity while pulling her gently closer to my body by her waist. I smirk when she looks to the ground in embarrassment. After a second she looks up smiling. She is not that much smaller than me – only an inch or so, I assume.

"A part of you is never going to change, Warren", she lets out a breath of a laugh and frees herself slowly from my grip.

"Just promise me to take it slow at first and not to rush into it", she continues, still smiling abashedly, "you need to take it one step at a time. Build up some strength first before taking it any further."

"I will. I promise", I put my hand on my heart and give her an assertive smile. Ororo nods approvingly, then turns away and steps closer to the edge of the cliff again. She looks up to the sky, which is now jet-black. All the clouds have disappeared though. It is a clear night and we can see some shimmering stars, a patchwork of light, peeking out of the darkness, illuminating the moonless night.

"Did you go see Charles yet?", Ororo interrupts me before my mind even gets the chance to wander off and think about testing that new set of wings of mine.

"Not yet", I confess.

"You don't need to be scared, Warren."

"I'm sorry. Did I understand this correctly? I don't think I ever mentioned being scared", I retort indignantly.

Ororo shakes her head in disbelief and even though I can't see her face I am sure that she just rolled her eyes.

Alright. I admit I'm a tad worried about what Charles Xavier will say to me. Whether or not he'll blame me for the things I did while I was Archangel.

Okay, fine. I am as terrified as a turkey on Thanksgiving. And Ororo seems to know that - as usual. Female intuition or whatever you want to call this; fact is: Ororo got a sense for these kind of things.

"Why would he want to talk to me anyway? I bet he's busy doing more important things. Saving the future and things like that. Undoing what I messed up by helping Sinister."

"Don't let yourself down, Warren. You're only prolonging things this way."

She turns around and gives me an assuring smile: "You really should talk to him. It might help you to finally put this chapter behind."

"I'm going to go back inside. I'm a bit tired and tomorrow will be a long day involving a lot of planning for the upcoming school term and we better all rest well as long as we still have the time to do so", she adds after a pause.

"Yeah, sure. Good night", I answer being a bit sad about her leaving.

"Good night, Warren", she says walking towards the X-mansion. She turns around one last time: "And Warren…"

"Yes?"

"Think about it."

"I will. Good night", I repeat.

"See you tomorrow", she says before eventually walking off.

I take another longing look at the royal night sky and my doubts return. I know I should go see the Professor but I simply can't. I don't even dare to face him. What will say about my trip to the dark side? There is only one thing he'll be able to say: that he is incredibly disappointed with me. I was one of the original five members of the X-Men. Shame on me. I should have know better, I should have fought Sinister instead of running off to him.

Hell, what have I become? Ororo's right. I mean, look at me: I'm too ashamed to even step up to the Professor. This is not the right time to chicken out. I'm only prolonging things here. Why can't I be courageous for one time? I've known the Professor for years and I should know better than thinking he'll give me a telling-off.

I gaze at the night sky and I spot a streak of light for a single second: A shooting star. Okay, I got it. If this isn't a clear message that I should have a talk with the Professor, then I don't know what is. After all I can make a wish now. And all I wish for is a second chance.

Author's Note:

An update! Finally! Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season!

There's nothing much to say about this chapter (except for the fact that it took me more than a year to write it :'D - I kinda had writer's block and a lot going on in life...). Well, anyway - I finally got myself to publish this chapter.

I know there isn't much going on in this chapter. There isn't really an actual plot (but who needs that anyway? xD Plot is overrated).

I decided to focus a bit more on Warren's character and his inner conflict concerning his past and his moving on. I feel like this is important since he has experienced so many bad things and I think he can't just move on that easily. He needs some time for reflecting what has happened to him. This is what makes a character grow, in my opinion.

This chapter is mostly an extremely long monolog (I hope it didn't bore you) and I feel like I'm not that good at writing such things (I'm more comfortable when it comes to dialogs). I need some practice at writing inner monologs about feelings and useless things as such. I think I'm terrible when it comes to writing about feelings.
So I really would appreciate you leaving some reviews giving me your opinion how I could improve my writing style concerning inner monologs and such things.

Anyways, I'm working on chapter 3 at the time and I promise there'll be an actual storyline in it ;D

Em