Now everybody knows about the three laws of robotics as laid down by Isaac Asimov in his seminal sci-fi drama I, Robot, laws which were reintroduced to the public consciousness in the kickass Will Smith action-vehicle of the same name. Well, the three laws are bullshit. While something approaching the three laws exists for the trolls, they're more built-in morals than hard and fast programming. See, Asimov was writing under the assumption that robots would be our intellectual superiors and would be capable of resenting their enslavement. However, the prophetic writings of web-comic artist Tom Sindell were far closer to the truth; robots as traditionally conceived of as needing neither sleep nor sustenance, would have vastly different worldviews and outlooks than human beings. If anything, they would revere humanity for giving them life, and gleefully perform their primary directives, as doing so would be the closest to actual living that they as artificial beings can experience. Motion is freedom from death, servitude is life, because without these they have no purpose.

That was all very pretty, but it didn't change the fact that Vriska was still holding me up against the wall by my neck and my best friend had abandoned me to die by her claws. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have to listen to you about how much you wish I was a Gemini?! All 'oh, I love you Gemini, let me give you a big sloppy kiss Gemini, I want your bulge Gemini!' It's sickening! You get paired with the best damn attack model in all of trolldom and you're still pining after that scrap-heap reject? I'm not gonna stand for it!" She dropped me and I fell to the floor.

"Are you going to kill me?" I muttered. Her face burned with hatred. I closed my eyes, awaiting the inevitable—

"NOOOOOOOO!" she shouted. Huh? She picked me up by the shoulders and threw me across the room. Thankfully I landed on my bed. "Are you excruciatingly retarded or something? Why the Hell would I do that? How am I going to become a goddamn champion with a dead human partner? If I'd snapped your neck just now they'd put me the fuck down like a rabid dog! How is a dead troll gonna win tournaments, huh? Answer me that!" She stalked over to me and shook me by the lapels.

"Okay that's enough!" I shouted. "You stop right now!"

"Make me," she sneered.

A bead of sweat formed on my brow. "Uh….please?"

"No." A thought occurred. She mentioned tournaments. Could…her prime directive be to win at Trollish Layer? She mentioned being the best attack model, despite having only moderate attack stats. Maybe she meant Scorpios were programmed specifically for tournaments?

"If you don't calm down right now," I said, straightening up and looking her dead in the eye, "we won't enter any damn tournaments. I'll make you help mom out around the house. You'll never fulfill your prime directive. You'll be a glorified maid."

She glared at me. I glared back. She groaned and set me down, then went and sulked in the corner. "I hate you," she muttered.

We sat in silence. This was not at all going how I'd expected it to be. I thought my troll and I would be instant friends, just like my parents were with theirs. Instead I got this belligerent, scary, domineering….bitch! Of course I was going to enter tournaments, but now I'd have to completely throw everything I'd planned out the window and start from scratch. But how? No model was bad per se, but Scorpios were so damn tricky and finicky and apparently evil. Her directive might be to win tournaments, but she wasn't exactly suited to it. And her chosen weapon was apparently dice. What the Hell was that supposed to do? A thought occurred. I pulled out the dice, still in my pocket. They had no pips. Maybe the AR gives them pips in battle, to make it even more random? But what were they supposed to do?! It occurred to me to check the control panel again—

"Hey fuckass," she called. "Do you have any extra clothes? This gown is starting to chafe!"

I rolled my eyes. "You will address me as sir!"

"Screw you, sir!" she said, saluting me with her middle finger.

I growled. "I bought a bunch of clothes for you, under the assumption that were a guy and also a Gemini, so I don't think you'll appreciate—"

"Where?" she demanded. "Anything's better than this stupid getup."

I pointed towards the closet. "There's a box towards the back—" She started digging through all my stuff, throwing it out onto the floor. I was about to protest, but then she rounded on me, holding a big wicker box, and shouted at me to go outside while she changed. I slipped the control panel into my pocket as I tripped over myself to leave.

She was in there for half an hour. I went downstairs and made myself a sandwich while looking over her stats again. I sighed; I wouldn't be able to do anything with her. Wait, the page was too big for the display, I could scroll down—"How's your new troll honey?" my mom asked. "I thought I heard shouting."

I grumbled. "She's really f—prickly, yeah. She's trying on her new clothes now."

"Oh fun!" My mom is a bit of an air head, but God don't I love her. "You should make her a sandwich too; it'll help break the ice."

I sputtered. "Trolls EAT?"

"Sure, they don't have to but they like it. I feed my special boy once a day and he's as content as can be." Mom tends to refer to trolls as special boys and girls. At the moment she was taking about Orpheus; her scary gigantic Aquarius who lives in the pool and won't let anyone else in. He looks like a goddamn vampire, the cool kind from the thirties, not the weird effeminate kind that somehow replaced that image in the past century. He always glares at me when I see him, and does not seem content at all. I explained it to mom.

"He just needs to get used to you!" mom assured.

"He's been living here since before I was born mom."

"Make your special girl a sandwich!" she insisted. I rolled my eyes and did as she asked.

I stomped back upstairs, sandwich in hand, and banged on the door. "Oy! You done yet?" She opened up the door and flashed me a grin. "Ah, so you have expressions other than grumpy and homicidal," I observed.

"I picked off all the stupid Gemini tags and it's as good as new. It turns out you actually have taste!" she said, ignoring me. Jeans, an orange sunburst shirt, a faux leather jacket, the red and blue lensed sunglasses I'd coveted, worn on top of her head like girls like to do for some reason, and an old pair of my red sneakers. I didn't want to argue anymore so I didn't say anything about that. She was still totally dressed like a guy, and you could see, if you squinted, where the Gemini symbols had been torn off, but she looked good.

"Here, have a sandwich. My mom says it'll calm you down and make you less awful," I said. She took it and stared at it as if it were some dead thing. Well, I guess it was, now that I think about it.

"What do I do with it?" she asked.

I blinked in dull surprise. "Fucking eat it."

She looked at me like I had said the sky was green. "I can do that?"

What the fuck. Was mom trolling me, in the archaic sense of the word? "My mom says you can, so I guess you can," I said, partly just out of curiosity to see what would happen.

She took a bite, then made a weird noise and a hideous face before dropping the sandwich and falling backward onto the bed. Shit.

I ran towards her. "Vriska, don't die, I'm sorry I kept talking about stupid Geminis, I'm sure you're a great troll, just please don't die, because I'm sure they won't give me another one if you do, I mean, that's not the reason! You need to live! Enjoy life! Win tournaments! Fuck I'm babbling—"

She turned her head to look at me and whispered something. "What was that?" I asked.

Deliriously, she muttered "That. Was. Delicious." Then she threw me off the bed, jumped to the floor, and picked up the sandwich, eating it with nigh on sexual voracity. "It was ham," I said, weakly.

I remember reading a book in which some powerful energy beings descended to Earth in human form, and they were so unaccustomed to normal senses that the smell of fine chocolate was enough to kill them. Real stirring drama. Anyway, this must be something similar. She's basically a newborn, and taste is a pretty powerful sense. "I want more," she demanded. I sighed and led her down to the kitchen.

"Oh that's how you're dressing her?" mom said, clicking her tongue at me. "Wouldn't you like a nice dress or something dear?" she asked with a winning smile.

"I like these, give me ham," said Vriska, glaring at my mother as if she were an intruder.

Mom, however, just laughed. "Oh I forgot, you Scorpios are all so willful!" she said, as she mussed Vriska's hair. "Trolls shouldn't eat too much sweetie, they get sick. What's your name?" Vriska growled at her mistreatment at the hands of my mother and snapped out her name.

"Ooh, a corruption of the Sanskrit, how clever!" Wait, what? I legitimately thought Jake was making shit up but it turns out he's smart. "Could you two run off to the store and buy some big soda bottles? For the party!" Party? What the Hell was she—?

Oh, right, it's my birthday. "Sure, I can go get them—"

"Take her with you," mom insisted. "You two can bond! Maybe someone will challenge you on the way to the store; how exciting!"…I used to believe that if someone looked you in the eye, you had to have a troll battle, no matter what. I was…kind of a dumb kid. Vriska had perked up at the idea of fighting, however. "Hell yeah! Come on Neville," she grabbed my arm and yanked me out the door while mom reprimanded her for her language.

As we headed out the door, a thought occurred. "I don't remember ever telling you my name, Vriska."

She snorted. "Yeah, that was really rude of you. But of course I know your name; I was literally made for you, asshat." That was a humbling thought, the fact that this complex organism, capable of thought and emotion, all but human, had been given life specifically for my benefit and enjoyment. How dare I have acted the way I did, complaining and comparing, and right in front of her, as if she weren't actually there at all. I guess I thought trolls were more like toys than anything. I suddenly felt the heavy weight of responsibility crashing down on me.

"Hey, where's the store?" she asked. I looked around and saw that she had been leading me away from the local cornerstore. "Goddammit Vriska, how useless can you be?" I asked. "A lot, it seems."

She growled. "Fuck off douchebag, I'm still adjusting!"

"Mind your language young lady!"

"Make me!"

Nothing of interest happened on the way to the store, other than Vriska threatening other trolls. "What're you lookin' at fishface? Come at me bro! What, you think we can't kick your ass? We totally can. Get some!" The snappy dressed Aquarius glared at us. Vriska gave him a threatening leer. He grabbed his groceries and ran away.

"His owner is probably some geriatric old lady who sends him out to buy her dinner," I said, as we left the store. "If we want to fight someone, look for trolls that are actually with people. Kids my age." I hoped it wouldn't come to that; I was not looking forward to our first battle—

"Hey, kid, let's you and me fight!" Shit.

"You're on!" Vriska shouted. Shit.

"Um, no," I said, turning to look at the challenger. She was a girl who looked younger than me, with messy hair poking out of a blue hat shaped like a cat's head dressed in a green Hello Kitty shirt.

"It'll be fun!" she squeaked. "Please?"

Vriska turned on me. "Pleeeeeeeease?"

I shook my head. "Look at her, she's probably just cruising around with her mom's Leo trying to feel like a grownup."

The little girl scowled at me, and she did manage to actually look a bit fierce. "I turned thirteen last week! I know I'm small for my age, but I bet I'm way better at Trollish layer than you are!"

I groaned. Well, she's almost as inexperienced as I am, and judging by her obvious cat-fangirlism, she probably has a Leo. Those models are usually wispy female types more suited to playing with children and doing domestic chores than combat. I nodded. "Okay, kid. It'll be good practice."

She smirked. "Yeah, for me. EQUIUS!" And then a goddamn Sagittarius fell out of the sky. A goddamn Sagittarius. Sagittarius models are incredibly strong. I believe their strength stat is just the word STRONG in all fucking caps like that. They have almost no thaumaturgy, because if they did they'd be broken as hell. All the same, fights with a Sagittarius usually end with the other troll bleeding their weird neon blood and being in serious need of repairs. "Um," I said, "I changed my mind. We're just gonna go home…." I turned and grabbed Vriska by the sleeve—

Only to bump into an Administrator. "Once a challenge has been accepted within earshot of an Administrator, it may not be turned down for any reason short of life and death," he recited. He was tall, wearing the Admin uniform; black shirt with a white spiral, the Trollish Layer logo, and a weird looking orange-yellow mask with white eyes and no mouth. He was accompanied by an Angel, another kind of android. It was pure white, with big feathery wings (really AR projections); this one was also wearing a fedora and sporting a huge broadsword and an old-fashioned key. Angels have almost limitless control over the AR and they set the parameters of the fight so no one got hurt too badly. These guys always seemed to turn up when someone challenged someone in public. All I could say though, was "Fuck!"

The Angel spread its wings and a field appeared around the edges of the parking lot; a sort of blackish-purple filter with streams of green flitting across. Behind us appeared a diagram depicting me and Vriska paring off against the girl, apparently named Nepeta Leijon and her troll, Equius. A crowd started to gather just outside the field. Dammit, my headshot made me look like a complete tool. Vriska just smirked and cracked her knuckles. Nepeta flashed us a roguish grin. Equius stood there looking intimidating.

The admin spoke again. "The rules for this match are as follows: the battle will be limited to the parking lot. There will be a time limit of three minutes. The use of thaumaturgy will be restricted to half strength due to the challenger's model and relative inexperience—"

"Wait, stop right there!" I interrupted. "That is complete bullshit, I literally just got my troll today, and it is no fair giving her a handicap when I—"

"Son, be a gentleman," the Admin whispered. I turned and saw that Nepeta's expression had changed to one of innocent confusion as she pressed herself against her troll's leg for protection, looking up at the Admin with big watery doe-eyes. Clever girl. The dude finished expounding and then the Angel swooped in right between us and waved his sword; the signal to begin. Smaller fields appeared around Nepeta and me to keep us from getting hurt, each one displaying our trolls' lifebars.

Nepeta immediately pulled her control panel, Derse alignment, and slapped her palm against the screen. Intricate rings of purple light climbed up her arm and around her body, melding patterns into her skin. There was a computerized chime and the patterns flashed; she was now mentally synced with her troll.

I did the same, and golden lines spiraled up my arm into my forehead—

And I nearly fell over from the shock. I'd never synced with a troll who had an actual personality before; it had always been the old model, full-metal ones from the arcade. With those it was like manipulating a puppet: it was not exactly like moving a part of your body, but like moving something with a part of your body. Vriska however, was a mostly rational being, and I found that while I could push her one way, she could push back.

And she did. For all that she wanted to fight, she really didn't want me to have anything to do with it. So while I mentally grappled with her trying to get her to take a step, Equius sauntered on up and punched her in the face—

Well, he would have, if she hadn't cartwheeled out of the way. Just let me handle this, she said, or rather, thought.

Vriska was certainly impressive, weaving in and out of Equius's range, unleashing a flurry of punches and then retreating before those sledgehammers he called fists could turn on her again. But she wasn't doing nearly enough. At this rate, she would tire out long before he did, and then I'd probably have to dump a huge amount of cash into some new limbs. Fuck off, she thought, I can handle this!

Equius clipped her in the shoulder and she came sliding all the way across the parking lot to rest at my feet, knocking over the bagful of sodas, one of which promptly rolled off into the crowd. She looked at me. I looked her. I cracked a smile. She jumped up and socked me in the ribs. "Give me my dice!" she demanded, both in my head and with her mouth.

"What good will these do?" I asked, pulling them out. Eight dice, all eight-sided. I get it, she's the eighth zodiac sign, who cares. She snatched them out of my hand and marched out of my protective field—

And Equius shot her in the chest with an arrow made of silver light, the size of a spear. I could feel it tearing through her body; not quite hurting either of us, but it was extremely uncomfortable, and of course took out all but a sliver of our collective lifebar. She slumped partway through the barrier and I pushed her back up to her feet.

"Yes! Go Equius! You're number one! You're number one!" shouted Nepeta from her protective field, doing a little dance. He drew back his massive silver bow, Lord only knows where he pulled it from, and another arrow appeared an instant before he fired it.

I forced Vriska to roll out of the way; the light arrow splashed harmlessly off my barrier. What the Hell Neville!?

I'm saving us is what the Hell, I replied, as I made her dodge another volley.

She rounded on me—physically, as in turned her back on the enemy with a loaded weapon just to bare her fangs and shout telepathically—I'd rather die! She fucking meant it. Okay, I had come to the realization that I was a rather poor owner, but was I that? This was seriously detrimental to my self-esteem. I made her hit the floor when I saw Equius knock another arrow, but he didn't loose. Everyone was staring at us, probably wondering what was going on in our heads right now. I blushed with embarrassment. Vriska did the same. I called for a time out and she walked into my barrier. "Having a fight with your own troll?" Nepeta shouted. "Who does that?" The crowd started murmuring.

I ignored her barbs. "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have bitched and moaned like I had been doing, or treated you like an object or anything like that. It was selfish and insensitive and I am an awful fuck who should be hanged for his crimes," I whispered, not wanting to give these people more to gossip about.

She flipped her hair petulantly. "I guess I can accept your apology," she said.

"And?"

She glared at me. "And what?"

I slapped my forehead. "You're kidding me. You've been just as awful to me as I have been to you, worse because you have super-strength and suchlike while I'm just some fleshy meatbag. Look, this is an unequal partnership; I'm the human and you're the troll and you have to listen to me, but it's still a partnership, so please stop fighting me on every little thing because I was mean to you and let's kick that little girl's ass!" I said, offering my hand.

"Don't think it's going to be that easy to fix," she warned. She then gave an exaggerated sigh. "You're right though." She shook my hand.

To this day she has not apologized.

Switching back over to mental communication, she said As soon as I get out there, let me throw my dice. I nodded. If he tries to shoot, then you can dodge.

The Angel waved his sword again, and Vriska leapt out of the barrier, throwing her dice, and I forced her aside as another arrow tore through the space she'd been occupying. The dice clattered to the asphalt a few feet from Equius. "You call that a throw?" Nepeta taunted. "You should just forfeit! It's impawsible to beat us! We are the purrfect team!" Oh God cat puns why—?

The dice flared with light as the AR assigned their results. It displayed them on the outer barrier for everyone to see; eight eights. What's that even do? I asked. Vriska just grinned for an instant before she was bathed in light and transformed.

When the light cleared, she was wearing heavy black leather armor, and held a massive blue sword shaped like a fishing hook in one hand. She sprinted at Equius. He loosed an arrow. I took control of Vriska's sword arm and it moved almost as quickly as I thought it, deflecting the arrow right back at him, hitting his right arm. The AR assessed the damage and decided that the limb was crippled, and the bow clattered to the floor. He swung a massive fist at Vriska and I deflected the blow while Vriska put all of her power into a flying dropkick that threw the massive troll to the floor. She sailed over his prone form using the same momentum, raking her illusory sword across his body, bursts of sparks gushing out instead of blood. She landed right in front of Nepeta, and blew her a raspberry as Equius's lifebar drained down to nothing.

"The winners are Neville and Vriska!" The Admin shouted, and the Angel raised his sword to signal the end of the match as the barriers and the lights and Vriska's cool new gear and our mental link all faded away to nothing. We rushed over to each other and high fived, a maneuver that almost broke my hand. As you may have guessed, average strength for a troll is still far above human capabilities. The crowd booed as I massaged my aching fingers. Wait, what?

We turned to look and saw Nepeta weeping over Equius's prone form. "Please get up Equius! Please get up!" She shook his shoulders in futility. That is, until he got up.

"I'm so sorry Miss Nepeta," he said, voice much quieter than I would have thought as he cradled her in his arms, both fully functional now. "I have failed you as a troll companion. I must be punished!" She giggled and patted his shoulder.

"As long as we're together, I'll always be happy!" The crowd let out a collective "Awww" as she the tiny girl hugged her huge troll. As he carried her away, she shot me a dirty look that no one else saw.

"What the fuck?" said Vriska as the crowd turned its attention back to us. "We were the underdog! We overcame our differences and worked as a team! We won our first match against a more experienced opponent!" Some kid ran up and sprayed us with my own soda bottle. "It's his birthday you little shit!" she shouted, baring her fangs at him. He kicked her in the shin and ran off.

I sighed. "We're not as cute as they were." I idly fiddled with her control panel, and finally saw what was at the bottom of her stat screen. Her luck attribute was set to "godly".

Author's Note: As you can see, nobody dies in this story. Accept this as a cure for sadstuck that isn't too saccharine. I'm sure I led you all to believe that all of the canon trolls would be actual trolls, but that is not the case. If they were, I'd have to make up a whole slew of OCs and I don't want to. About three trolls will be human in this fic, so don't worry too much about that. Yeah, it was real chumpish of Jake to leave like that, but we'll see him again soon, relatively speaking.

Remember, I will consider suggestions if that's your thing.