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Guthrie and I stayed standing on the porch watching the drama unfold in front of us. Rather than roughhousing or playfully wrestling which Daniel and Evan made a regular occurrence, to which no one batted an eyelid, now they seemed intent on bashing lumps out each other. Although Daniel was taller, Evan had the advantage of being fairly broad, even at 13 and he could hold his own. Crane ran towards them like a bullet and at a particular moment where Evan had Daniel pinned to the ground and was slugging him, Crane caught hold of Evan by the waist and pulled him backwards. But Evan was clearly seeing red and had lost all semblance of self-control because he bucked in Crane´s hold like a wild colt and Crane, clearly not expecting this level of aggression from Evan, couldn´t quite contain him and Evan lunged himself at Daniel again. Daniel had managed to get his wind back, and this time they grappled standing up, still trying to swing punches at each other.
It was at that moment that Adam appeared on the front porch, presumably having heard the commotion from he and Brian´s room upstairs window. I knew they would have installed Ford in their room because that´s generally where they put one of us younger kids when we were sick. At that time, I didn´t question it, but now I think it´s because it´s what my mom used to do when one of us were sick, according to Brian.
Adam paused on the front porch for a split second surveying the mess and Crane´s herculean efforts to separate the boys to no avail. "Doggonit," we heard him swear as he flew past us, running towards the stables and jumping deftly over the fences in an effort to get there quickly.
Guthrie turned to me with wide eyes. "Boy… this is bad," he said a little breathlessly.
"No kidding," I said, my eyes still glued to the fracas ahead.
Adam reached the fray in record time, and pulled Daniel roughly from Evan and then inserted himself in the middle of the two of them, knowing that neither of them would dare attempt to swing at each other with him in the crossfire. Crane, by this point had managed to grab Evan and was holding him back.
Although Guthrie and I could see everything from our vantage point on the porch, we were still a bit of distance from the barn and so we couldn´t hear everything clearly. Adam looked to be scolding and gesticulating angrily to Evan and Daniel, no doubt berating them about their fight. All of sudden, Adam´s scolding came to an end and he took Daniel in a firm grip in one arm and Evan in an equally firm grip in another arm, marching them both up to the house. Both of them were covered in mud and dirt and Evan had a bloody nose. Daniel looked to be crying, which wasn´t such a shock as Daniel tended to be fairly emotional lately at all sorts of things. As they got closer, I could see that both of them looked sulky and I didn´t blame them: I wouldn´t want to be in their shoes.
Adam ignored Guthrie and I as he frogmarched Evan and Daniel up the front steps and in through the front door. Crane wasn´t far behind, his clothes a bit scuffled from his efforts. Unlike Adam, he didn´t ignore our presence but crouched down and addressed us directly as we looked at him with wide eyes expectantly.
"Not the best start to the weekend, huh?" he said, with a wry smile.
"Why were they fighting?" Guthrie asked. Crane shook his head.
"Hormones, I expect."
"What are hormones?" I asked him.
"They´re like chemical messages in the body and when you´re a teenager, you get more of them and sometimes they can make you act a bit reckless and crazy," he said.
"Ew," Guthrie said, wrinkling up his nose, I never want hormones."
Crane chuckled and ruffled his hair, "Tough luck, kiddo, it happens to us all."
Guthrie looked thoughtful and Crane straightened up.
"Heidi, it´s your turn to help with the breakfast dishes this morning. I think it´s Adam´s too, but since he´s dealing with this right now, I´ll help you."
I couldn´t help feeling a little disappointed. It´s not that I didn´t love Crane fiercely. I did. But Crane and I actually spent quite a lot of time together one on one because he would often do my reading homework with me. Adam was always so busy and apart from bedtime, where he and Brian would alternate tucking us in and reading us a story, we didn´t get to spend too much time together these days. Even at bedtime, Guthrie was always there as we shared a room. When Adam and I did dishes together, he would chat to me about school and what I thought about particular things and it felt special. But I didn´t want Crane to feel badly so I didn´t say anything and followed him inside. Guthrie didn´t follow, so I assumed he would play outside.
As I followed Crane into the house, I saw that Daniel and Evan were in the living room on opposite sides of the couch closest to the staircase. Evan was holding a cloth on his nose to stop the bleeding and Daniel was holding an ice pack on his eye which from the looks of it, would be quite the shiner. Evan had a scratch on one side of his face and Daniel also had a bruise forming on his chin. Both of them were sitting sullenly, refusing to look at each other, or Adam and now Brian, both of whom were standing in front of them. I desperately wanted to stay and watch, but Crane pulled me into the kitchen and handed me a dishtowel.
"I´ll wash, you dry," he said to me, while filling the sink with water and dish soap. "Stack the plates, will ya?"
I cleared the table as best I could, listening to Adam and Brian get the details of what had transpired and how the fight had started. Both of them were blaming each other for provoking the other and throwing the first punch and they started in on each other again until I heard Adam boom, "Enough!"
I made as though I was still clearing the table and peered into the living room, wanting to see what was happening, but Crane was wise to me. Almost immediately, he pulled me back by the straps of my overalls and then turned me around in the direction of the sink, giving me a firm swat to the backside which didn´t really hurt.
"Dry," he said, handing me the dishtowel.
I sighed as I started drying the dishes.
"You KNOW I really dislike fighting, especially between you. You´re brothers. You can disagree and even drive each other crazy, but you do not lay a hand on each other; I don´t care how upset you are," I heard Adam say to Evan and Daniel, who remained silent. I could imagine them sullenly away- both of them had turned really moody lately, but Adam always demanded that any of us look directly at him if he was scolding us. "Eyes!" he barked.
"You´re both grounded for the week. You can forget about going to Nicki´s later," Adam said, referring to a mutual friend of Daniel and Evan´s where they often spent a Saturday afternoon and sometimes evening with their friends. "And you can forget about all your activities this week. If I can´t trust you to get along with each other at home, then you can´t be trusted outside the ranch either."
"That´s not fair!" Evan shouted. He sounded furious, and his voice wavered as though he were about to burst into tears.
"Want to make it two weeks?" Adam asked him, in the tone that he used when he was about to lose his mind with temper. Evan clearly recognized it because he replied sulkily, "No".
"Have you mucked out the stables yet?" I head Brian ask the boys and they must have shook their heads no, because he said then, "Well, you can take yourselves back out there and make an effort to work together to do it, coz it won´t get done itself."
"I´m not goin´ with him," Daniel said mutinously and I could just imagine Brian narrowing his eyes, like he does when something vexes him, because he said then in a loud voice, "Boy, you will do as you´re told."
Crane had finished the dishes by this point and had wiped the table down while I was drying dishes. He must have sensed a possible escalation of tension because he quickly crossed through to the living room which I thought was a bit unfair because he had stopped me from doing the same thing earlier. I decided to drop my dish towel and go into the living room.
"Hey, guys, I´ll help you out. Let´s go," he directed at Daniel and Evan, grabbing his jacket from the hook at the door.
"No, Crane. You´ve got enough to do, packing and all for Monday," Adam said firmly but Crane could always get away with much more where Adam and Brian were concerned.
"It´s fine, he said and clapped his hands in a rousing motion in the direction of the boys. "Vamos, Let´s go."
"If I hear but one word from Crane that there´s been any more trouble, I will spank you both," Adam said to Evan and Daniel, his hand on his hips. "You got that?"
"Yes," Evan said quietly, refusing to meet Adam´s eye, but Daniel got up without answering him.
Adam caught his arm as he tried to brush past, "Answer me!" he demanded.
Daniel wrested his arm out of Adam´s hold, "Yes, dad," he said sarcastically. All my brothers- well- apart from Brian and Guthrie, but Daniel the most called Adam ´dad´ when they were irritated or upset, or even if they just wanted to needle him a bit. Adam hated it. I never did it. Sometimes I thought I would have liked to, because it would be nice to call someone ´dad´ but I knew that Adam really hated it and I wasn´t in the habit of trying to poke at him- well not yet anyway.
Just as Crane was herding the boys out the back door, Guthrie´s voice sailed in from the front lawn.
"Dr Mead is here!"
Adam walked to the front door and opened it for Dr Mead who stepped into the house and shook Adam´s hand.
"Hi Doc, we sure do appreciate you comin´ out like this on a Saturday mornin," Adam said to him. "We´ve been meanin´ to bring Ford for a while now. This mornin´ his head is seemin´ to really hurt him.
"Oh, it´s not a problem. Was doing some rounds in the area anyway and I´ve always had a soft spot for little Ford. For all you McFadden kids."
Dr Mead had been our physician for my whole life and I think for Adam and Brian´s whole lives too, so for a long time. He never seemed to age to me; he always looked like a grandfather with white hair and grey bushy eyebrows. He had sparkling blue eyes and an easy laugh and the best thing about him was that he always gave kids a treat after he examined them. They weren´t big treats- just a small piece of candy or so- but to a kid, a treat is a treat.
I bounded up to him now. "Hi, Dr Mead!" I said enthusiastically.
"Well if it isn´t Miss Heidi. Goodness me, you´re taller every time I see you!"
I giggled. "I´ve grown an inch since March!" I told him proudly, and then because I liked him and wanted to be helpful, I said, "Have you come to see Ford? He´s got migraines. It´s like a really bad headache is what Crane says. He´s been getting them a lot lately. This morning he had one in the barn and Adam had to go get him. He´s in Adam and Brian´s room now."
Dr Mead looked amused and Brian came forward and put a hand on my head pulling me back gently.
"Ok, Motormouth," he said, "Let Dr Mead get up there and do his job."
Dr Mead smiled at me. "You´ve been most helpful, Heidi, and what do I have here?" he asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small piece of hard candy. "Ah yes, a little thank you for giving me context."
He handed the candy to me and I was delighted, unwrapping it and stuffing it into my mouth immediately, "Thanks, Dr Mead!"
"What about me?!" Guthrie said, looking put out a bit.
"Guthrie!" both Adam and Brian reprimanded at the same time.
"Well of course you get one too," Dr Mead said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out another piece. "You greeted me at my car and brought me into the house, so you were helpful too."
He handed it to Guthrie who thanked him and beamed.
Adam shook his head slightly, but he looked amused, and then he led Dr Mead upstairs to examine Ford.
Brian looked down at Guthrie and I. He looked even more tired than he had at breakfast, if that were possible. "Have you two done your mornin´ chores?" he asked.
"Yep, Guthrie said, nodding, but I hadn´t done mine yet and told Brian so.
"Better get to it, then," he said and then he disappeared into the laundry room. I thought that perhaps he would have something to say to Guthrie about what Guthrie had said at breakfast to him but he seemed to have forgotten about it. Now that I´m older, I suspect that Brian was choosing to forget. At the time, I was still desperate to know what ´getting laid´ meant and I made a mental note to ask Daniel later, him being my go to person when I wanted to understand something that I couldn´t ask Brian, Adam or Crane.
After I did my chores, which didn´t take me too long, I came back into the house at the moment where Dr Mead was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee at the table. Crane, who must have come in when I was out, Adam and Brian were also sitting there, Adam and Crane also with a cup of coffee in their hands. I walked into the kitchen to wash my hands at the sink and none of them seemed to take notice of me lingering there after I was done.
"So, what do you think is causin´ these migraines, doc?" Adam asked Dr Mead.
"Hard to say, unfortunately," Dr Mead replied. Could be a whole host of things. They´re not rightly understood by medical professionals. Could be food allergies, sensory sensitivity, hormonal changes. Tell me, is Ford sleeping ok? Eating ok?"
"Well, sure," Brian said, looking at the others for confirmation. "He has a regular bedtime, he sleeps through the night, and he has a good appetite."
Dr Mead nodded and then paused for a second, seeming to consider something. "Is there anything that would be causing Ford any undue stress? Any changes in the family, or any changes about to happen?"
There was a momentary silence and then Crane said slowly, "I´m going away to college on Monday. But Ford hasn´t seemed particularly upset about it or anything."
Dr Mead nodded again. "Well, of course, I can´t say for sure but Ford has always been a quiet and sensitive little fellow. Could be that he´s not even aware of how he´s feeling but his body is acting for him. Course, it could always be somethin´ else."
"What should we do. To help him, I mean?" Adam asked Dr Mead. His brow was wrinkled like it usually got when he was real concerned or mad about something.
"I´ve given a real strong dose of a painkiller. He should sleep the rest of the day and hopefully when he awakes, he´ll be feeling better. If the migraines increase in terms of frequency and intensity over the next few weeks, I think you can attribute it to Ford´s feelings about Crane´s departure. Just reassure him. Spend time with him. Make him feel safe. If they don´t abate in frequency after a few weeks, bring him into the clinic and we can do some blood testing. Tylenol should work for the pain as long as you give him a dose as soon as the pain comes on and continue for 24 hours. He´s so young, I wouldn´t like him to take anything stronger apart from this once."
"Will do, thanks doc," Adam said and he was echoed by the others.
They started to discuss other things which were of no interest to me, so I went outside and found Guthrie. We decided to go down to the creek and frog hunt which is where we spent the rest of the morning, giggling and splashing each other. We climbed our favorite tree and rested on the thick branches, looking down at the world below us, silent for a moment. Guthrie and I spent so much time together that we didn´t need to talk sometimes.
Guthrie was picking at the bark on a large twig he had picked up earlier and taken up into the tree with us when I said to him, "Guth, what do you think it will be like when Crane´s not here?"
Guthrie shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. I haven´t really thought much about it."
"Me either," I replied. "But I mean, it´s going to be real strange without him around. I mean… who will do all the numbers in the ranch books, or help us with our homework, or do our reading with us?
"Adam or Brian, I suppose." Guthrie had stopped picking at his twig and was looking at me directly now. I could see that I had got him thinking too because his face was scrunched up like it does when he´s trying to figure something out.
"But how will they have time? They´re always so busy. And they have less patience than Crane… Crane hardly ever gets mad at us or the others," I said, sighing heavily. It was really starting to sink in what Crane´s departure would mean to our family.
"I guess…" Guthrie said glumly. He didn´t really offer up anything else and neither did I. My words killed our jocular mood earlier and we trudged home despondently for lunch although I wasn´t hungry at all. The whole way home I thought about how I hadn´t really appreciated my time drying dishes with Crane earlier.
When we arrived back at the house, everyone else was already seated, minus Ford who was still upstairs sleeping, and they were serving themselves food. Adam asked Guthrie and I how we had spent the morning and we told him, but our voices must have betrayed our emotions because he asked, "Why so glum?"
Both of us just shrugged and helped ourselves to some of Brian´s chilli. I didn't take a lot because Adam and Brian had a rule that we had to finish what was on our plates and my stomach felt like it was churning. Evan and Daniel appeared to have made up, or at least, they didn´t seem to be at odds anymore. Evan made a joke which Daniel even laughed at. Those two were like that though. One minute they could be knocking bells out each other and then next, they were best friends again.
I didn´t say a single word for the first part of lunch. Not a word. This was out of character and it didn´t escape anyone´s notice either.
"Cat your tongue?" Brian asked me from across the table.
I half smiled at his attempt at humor and just shrugged my shoulders even though I knew it was something that drove Brian mad.
"Did anything happen this mornin´ while you and Guthrie were out playin´"? Adam asked, putting his fork down to look at Guthrie and I properly.
Both Guthrie and I shook our heads no but everyone at the table was now looking at us expectantly. I felt compelled to say something and put my fork down, looking at Crane who today was sitting at the opposite end of the table next to Evan.
"It´s just… Crane… do you really have to go away to college? Coz I don´t want you to."
Crane looked sad at my words and opened his mouth to reply but Adam got there first.
"Heidi! Crane´s worked really hard for this opportunity. Of course he´s got to go!"
I looked at Adam. The tone of his voice had been admonishing but he didn't look mad.
"But why?" I asked him, "You didn´t go to college. Brian didn´t go. Why does Crane have to go?"
"They didn´t go because they´re taking care of us, not coz they didn´t want to," Daniel shot in, and Evan nodded.
"But Crane also takes care of us," Guthrie said, folding one knee on his chair and sort of standing up before settling back down into what looked like an uncomfortable position.
"I´ll come back for some weekends and for vacations," Crane said softly. His face had gone a bit red. "The time will pass real quickly. I promise. And I´ll call. And we can even write letters to each other. Be like penpals."
"It´s not the same," I said grumpily and Brian said "Heidi," in a warning tone.
"Look," Adam said gently addressing Guthrie and I, but also Daniel and Evan, and I expect to some extent Crane. "We´re all going to miss Crane when he´s at college and he´ll miss us too I´m sure." Crane nodded at that. Adam continued, "But when you love someone, you want what´s best for them over what´s best for yourself and sometimes that might feel bad or hurt inside even though it´s the right thing."
"Like Wings!" Evan exclaimed and the others laughed apart from me because I was looking down at my plate. Unexpected tears filled my eyes which I quickly brushed away. Evan was referring to the sickly sparrow we had found and named Wings. We had nursed it back to health. None of us wanted to let him go but Adam had told us that if we really loved Wings, we would let him be free again.
Adam smiled at Evan, "I guess you could look at it that way."
"Sweetie, look at me," Adam said quietly and when I did, I could see from his eyes that he was hurting too. "In the long run, it will be best for all of us too because Crane will have a college education and that will help with running the ranch. I´d like all of you to go to college when the time comes," Adam said.
"Maybe you two can help me make cookies for Crane to take with him on Monday," Brian said, addressing Guthrie and I and giving us a half smile. He would have asked Evan and Daniel too, but lately Daniel especially had been moaning every time he was lumped into activities with us younger kids.
I nodded and Guthrie perked up at the idea. He started negotiated with Brian to make other sorts of cookies as well. I still wasn´t happy about Crane going away but Adam´s argument couldn´t really be argued with.
After lunch Guthrie and I helped Brian make cookies- we ended up making mountains of them. Then, Brian went to the grocery store in Murphys and took Guthrie with him. I didn´t feel like going, so decided I would spend the afternoon coloring and drawing. I liked to draw huge black mazes and squiggles and then color in all the different shapes, giving them different patterns or themes. Like reading, it would keep me occupied for hours and I could lose an entire morning or afternoon to it.
Later that evening, supper passed without event. Ford´s head still hurt but he was feeling slightly better and he joined us at the table although he didn´t eat much. Normally we had staggered bedtimes, which Guthrie and I hated because we always had to go up first and much earlier than say, Daniel or Evan, but that night, Adam and Brian sent us all up at the same time. Ford, because he had a headache and Evan and Daniel because they were being punished for their fight earlier that day. We all grumbled, but obeyed. After Guthrie and I had been tucked in for the night, I fell asleep straight away, but I woke up an hour later according to my bedside clock and couldn´t get back to sleep. Guthrie was breathing heavily, but that didn´t really bother me as I was used to it. I just kept thinking about the realization that in 2 days time, Crane would be away and he wouldn´t get to see him for weeks on end. That´s a long time when you´re 8.
After tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, I decided to go downstairs and ask for a glass of warm milk. If I was lucky and they were in a good mood, one of the guys might read to me downstairs until I was tired again.
I opened my bedroom door quietly, so as not to wake Guthrie and padded out onto the landing. I could hear my oldest brothers talking to each other, all of them sitting in the living room downstairs as they did sometimes when the rest of us had gone to bed. I held my breath and crouched down in front of my bedroom door so I could hear what they were saying. Although I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, I still did it sometimes, despite the risk of being caught.
"What a day; I´m bone tired," Brian groaned. From what I could see, he was laid, sprawled out on one of the couches, massaging his head in circles.
"Kids sure were a handful," Adam agreed. He was sitting with his legs on the coffee table, with a beer in his hand. From where I was on the landing, he had his back to me.
Crane was sitting at the piano, quietly tinkering with the keys so as not to awake any of us kids upstairs.
"How you feelin´ about Monday?" Adam asked him. Crane just shrugged his shoulders.
"You guys should head out real early on Monday to beat the traffic. I´ll cover your chores," Brian said, sitting up slightly on his forearms. Again, Crane didn´t say anything.
I couldn't see Adam´s face from where I was sitting but I heard the concern in his voice when he said, "You ok, brother?"
There was another moment of silence and then Crane´s hands fell away from the piano key and into his lap. His voice was very quiet.
"Listen guys, I´ve been thinking. And the thing is, I don´t think I should go away to college."