"Ever'ting ready for de health inspector," Anne Marie said, wiping her freshly washed hands on the front of her Merlotte's apron.
It was eight a.m. on Saturday morning, and Sam stood with his wife in the kitchen of Merlotte's Bar and Grill. His strawberry blond hair stuck up at odd angles, he knew, but he just couldn't get it to behave today. He was dressed in jeans and a freshly washed blue and yellow plaid shirt and was wearing a brand new pair of alligator boots that had been a Christmas present from one of his brothers-in-law. Not the one who was a vampire. Sam was trying to look his best because he knew the health inspector could be a real hardass when he wanted.
Anne Marie beamed at her husband and Sam felt a little jolt of pleasure race through his blood. Two and a half years of marriage and this Cajun woman still made him wild, he thought, beaming back at her.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Sam said, looking around the sparkling clean kitchen of his restaurant. "Andy's been awful cranky lately. I'd hate to think he's looking for reasons to slap me with a fine."
Anne Marie laughed. "Dis place so clean, you could eat off de floor," she promised. "Me and dem lazy busboys work our tails off all last night. Dey almos' earn their pay dis week."
Sam chuckled and drew Anne Marie close for a kiss. She smelled delicious, a combination of flowers and cooking spices. Her red hair curled delicately around her face, the bridge of her nose gently splashed with adorable freckles. She was gorgeous and buxom and fit up against Sam just perfectly. Despite the fact that she had worked almost the entire night, she didn't look tired. She had gone home only briefly to shower and change into a pink sundress that made her glow like a rose in the morning light.
A cleared throat told him they were no longer alone, and Sam turned to see Andy Bellefleur standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He glared at the two of them, frowning as officially as he could. Sam sighed inwardly, but he put on a good face and tried to make the best of it.
"I am here in my official capacity as Bon Temps' Health Inspector to inspect Merlotte's Bar and Grill, owned by Sam Merlotte," Andy began pompously.
"Well, that's me," said Sam.
"I know that's you," Andy snapped.
"Sorry." Sam held up his hands. They were off to a great start. "Uh, well, feel free to look around, Andy—"
"Inspector Bellefleur."
Sam and Anne Marie both stared at Andy for a moment and Sam could tell Anne Marie was trying to suppress a giggle. He elbowed her lightly. The bar was doing great and making plenty of money, but Sam would be damned if he got fined just for pissing Andy off.
"Okay, uh, Inspector Bellefleur," Sam said as respectfully as he could manage. Based on Andy's sour expression, it wasn't quite respectful enough. "I am sure that you'll find everything in order."
"We'll start with the kitchen," Andy said, ignoring Sam and brandishing a clipboard with a thick stack of documents on it. Sam tried to look at the papers and Andy shuffled it out of his view. "Then we will proceed to the bar, the dining area, the restrooms, storage areas, and your office."
"My office? Why would you have to--"
"You hiding something in your office, Sam?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Then you won't mind my looking there."
"You here as de health inspector or as a cop, Andy?" Anne Marie demanded, putting her hands on her hips.
Andy fixed his gaze on her over the top of the clipboard. "I told you, Mrs. Merlotte, that it is Inspector Bellefleur. If I was here as a cop, I'd have introduced myself as Detective Bellefleur."
"Why you got to introduce yo'self at all, you? We know you. You eat my food here ever day!" Anne Marie said with exasperation. Sam put his hands on her shoulders, squeezing gently, hoping she would calm down.
"I expect it's because Andy's here in an official capacity," Sam told her. "So let's just step aside and let Inspector Bellefleur do his job as quickly as possible so we can start getting ready for the lunch crowd."
Anne Marie let her arms slide down and nodded stiffly, letting Sam draw her out of Andy's way. Andy clicked his ballpoint pen on with a ceremonial flourish and scribbled something on his paper, then began to examine the kitchen. He ran a finger over the shiny clean prep table, consulted the clipboard and scribbled. He squatted down to look at the floor, consulted the clipboard, and scribbled.
"No apparent rats or rat droppings," Andy intoned, scribbling on the clipboard.
"Of course there's no rats in our kitchen!" Sam protested.
"Let me do my job, Sam."
"So you a cop, an you de health inspector, too," Anne Marie said as she watched. Sam kept his hands on her shoulders.
"Obviously," Andy said. He got to his feet and stalked over to the sink, turning the faucets on and off seemingly at random between scribbling.
"An if I recall correctly you also de animal control officer."
Andy turned and looked at her. "Yes, Anne Marie, I am."
"You call me Mrs. Merlotte. I am here in my official capacity," said Anne Marie, her green eyes twinkling mischievously.
Andy open his mouth to reply, but Sam quickly cut him off, trying desperately to avoid the situation that was building. "So how is your sister, Andy?"
"Portia is fine," Andy snapped and turned back to the sink.
Anne Marie was not as easily dissuaded. "How come you got so many jobs?"
"Bon Temps is a small town," said Andy, finally leaving the sink and turning to the grill. He bent over to look at it, his crimson necktie swinging officiously. Sam noticed it has a tiny flower print on it, which seemed odd for such an irritable man. He squinted to look at it while Andy examined the grill.
"You, Sheriff Bud, and de Mayor almos' de whole government of Bon Temps," Anne Marie commented, folding her arms over her chest.
"Yes," said Andy without looking at her. "And do you know how we fund that government?"
"How?"
He turned around and smiled nastily. "Fines."
"All right, all right," said Sam sliding his hands down Anne Marie's arms and effectively pinning her down. "I really don't think you're going to find anything to fine us for, but let's just get on with the inspection. Anne Marie, maybe we should wait outside."
"I am not waitin' outside, Sam Merlotte!"
"One of you has to stay with me," Andy said grudgingly. "I would prefer it was Sam."
"Then de both us stay."
"Honey, are you sure you don't want to—" Sam began nervously, but the ferocious look on Anne Marie's face cut him off.
Sam sighed inwardly. This was a no win situation. He wondered how much of a fine they were going to be slapped with and if he'd be able to contest it with Bud Dearborn or somebody a little more reasonable than Andy Bellefleur. Sam wondered what had put Andy in such a bad mood to begin with. It was hard for him to fault with Anne Marie, even though she was egging him on. Sam's wife didn't suffer fools well.
Andy twiddled the knobs on the grill and a jet of flame shot up, nearly singeing his eyebrows. This seemed to cheer up Anne Marie quite a bit. Andy hastily twisted the knob back off.
"This is a safety concern," he growled at Sam.
"I assure you that all of our employees are properly trained in using the grill," Sam said, trying to look sympathetic. Andy moved on and examined the stove burners without touching them, then swept his gaze around the entire room.
"We're almost done here," Andy said at last.
Sam let go of the breath he was holding. "Great." He let go of Anne Marie at last and stepped up next to her.
"I just have to check the cupboards."
"Great," Sam repeated less enthusiastically.
Andy turned and began opening the various cupboards seemingly at random, peering in at the contents, and scribbling away on his clipboard. Anne Marie remained mercifully silent, though Sam could feel the tension in her body. He wracked his brain to think of something else to say that might lighten the situation, but came up blank.
"Last one," said Andy, finally starting to sound bored. Good, maybe he would take less time in the other areas of the bar.
As Sam watched, Andy Bellefleur yanked open the last cupboard. A large glass jar that had been balanced precariously inside slipped out. It bounced off of Andy's chest and towards the floor even as Sam leapt forward to try to catch it. He missed by inches, and the jar smashed onto the floor, bits of glass flying everywhere.
With horror Sam realized that the jar had been filled with live cockroaches.
Sam heard a shriek. At first he thought it was Anne Marie, but a moment later realized that Andy had made the high pitched sound. His clipboard slammed to the floor, papers detaching themselves and flying into the chaos.
Roaches scattered everywhere through the kitchen and Sam leapt backwards almost onto the stove. Anne Marie gasped and stood as if frozen as the insects invaded the kitchen. In moments they were headed for the dark havens under the stove, inside the cupboards and into every corner.
"Where—where the hell did that come from?" Sam stammered, utterly bewildered.
"Sam," Andy intoned, sounding shaken and breathless, "I am going to have to shut you down."