--Chapter Two--
A/N1—I'm readjusting the story a bit. I thought the first two chapters were too short, so they're now combined in chapter 1. This chapter is split in two because it's long.
A/N2—This is Greg's graduation episode. Robert Reed/Mike Brady didn't appear in this episode because he thought the orange hair part of the episode was stupid and Sherwood was sick of Robert's antics. Reed thought that it was rather implausible that a kid would buy and use hair tonic right before graduation and also most chemicals like that turn hair green, not orange. Actually, if a kid is that vain, which Greg can be at times, then yeah it's possible he would buy and use it then. I do agree the colour is questionable, but I won't change that part of the episode. However, in my Brady universe, Mike was not out of town for his son's graduation. I thought that part was dumb; they could've written the lines as he was at work and then had to go back into work right after graduation. Mike would've pitched a fit if he was faced with the possibility of missing an important milestone like that; he would've fixed things so he wouldn't have missed it, so I'm fixing that. Once again, no Oliver. In addition, I'm keeping the approximate episode timeline (1 episode 1 week). Since this episode is 6 after "Welcome Aboard," and Carol was six weeks along during that episode (my version), she is now twelve weeks (three months) along. So, here's my version of "Hair Brained Scheme." Enjoy!
Greg drives up in Mike's convertible. He's very excited as he has just returned from picking up his cap and gown and can't wait to show his folks. Finally, he's reached the finish line; he is almost out of high school. All he needs to do is go through graduation, then he's college-bound! No more curfews, no more brothers and sisters barging into his room. He is about to become a free man in just a few short months. He stops the car, gets out, and carries his cap and gown into the house. Carol and Alice are in the kitchen.
Greg: Hi Alice, hi Mom!
Carol: Excited to see his regalia. Oh Greg, you got it!
Greg: Yes!
Carol: Can you put it on for us?
Greg: Almost embarrassed by the attention, but loving it at the same time. Aww, not now.
Carol: Oh, please.
Alice: Give us a sneak preview. She's almost begging.
Greg: Okay.
Carol helps Greg put it on. The doorbell rings.
Bobby: I'll get it!
Carol: Looks at Greg with pride. My son, the scholar!
Greg: Puts on the cap. Do I look okay?
Carol: Alice, isn't he handsome? I can't believe you're finishing high school.
Alice: It seems like only yesterday he just started. The way I figure my age, it was.
Carol: Yeah and just think in four more years, you'll be graduating from college.
Greg: IF I make the grades.
Carol: Oh, you'll make the grades all right.
Greg: You're sure?
Carol: Sure! 'Cause you'll have an incentive…(She pretends to threaten him)…if you don't, we'll kill ya. She smiles and kisses her son on the cheek.
Bobby comes running into the kitchen carrying a box. He puts it on the table while a curious Carol, Greg and Alice watch.
Bobby: It came! It came! It finally came!
Carol: What came?
Bobby: This package! What's in this package is going to make me a million bucks! He opens the package to reveal two dozen bottles of hair tonic, much to Carol's chagrin.
How 'bout that? He waves his hand over the package as if to show off his merchandise.
Carol: You're gonna make a million dollars…She picks up a bottle and reads the label…with… HAIR TONIC?! She looks horrified.
Greg begins laughing hysterically at his youngest brother.
Bobby: Insulted. It's not just HAIR tonic, it's "Neat and Natural Hair Tonic." If ya wanna look neat, this can't be beat.
Alice: Looking rather suspicious. I've never heard of it.
Greg: Me either.
Bobby: You can't buy it in the stores…only from us independent dealers.
Carol: Bobby, how do you plan on making a million dollars from this?
Bobby: Very simple. I bought each bottle for a dollar, and the Neat and Natural Hair Company guarantees I can sell each bottle for two dollars. So, I sell all twenty-four bottles and make twenty-four dollars. I sell a million bottles, I make a million dollars. He smiles, pleased with himself for such a clever endeavour.
Greg: He's been using that stuff on his own head and it went soft.
Carol: Bobby, how did you get involved in something like this? These things are just gimmicks to get your money. She returns the bottle to the carton.
Bobby: Not this one! He looks at the bottle he's been holding. There was a big ad in my magazine.
Greg: Gonna make a million dollars with that junk. He laughs and walks out of the kitchen.
Bobby: Looks over at his brother, annoyed. Boy, is he dumb. He's going into college and he doesn't know a thing about business.
Carol: Looks at her son, exasperated. Listen, young man, there are a lot of things you don't know yourself. You're gonna find out the hard way it ain't easy making a million dollars. She puts an arm around his shoulders.
Bobby: I didn't say it was gonna be easy, I know it's gonna take weeks and weeks of hard work… maybe even months!
Carol and Alice look at each other with a bit of frustration and resignation.
In the girls' bedroom. Cindy appears to be doing her homework, concentrating hard. Jan is brushing her hair and Marcia is putting clothes away in the closet.
Cindy: Two times twelve is…twenty-four. Four times twelve is…forty-eight. Lessee now, six times twelve is…
Jan: Walks over and sits on her bed, still brushing her hair. Seventy-two. Cindy, could you do your homework a little more quietly?
Cindy: I'm not doing homework, I'm figuring out how much money I'm gonna make.
Marcia: Doing what?
Cindy: I'm going into business; I'm going to be a millionaire like Bobby. She grins dreamily.
Jan: I think one millionaire in the family is enough.
Marcia: Laughs. Just, uhh, how are you going to make your, umm, MILL-IONS, Cindy?
Cindy: I got the idea passing Mr. Kirby's pet shop. I'm gonna raise rabbits.
Marcia: Cracking up in disbelief. You're gonna raise RABBITS?!
Cindy: Sure, on the account of how they multiply.
Marcia and Jan crack up harder.
Jan: It takes a lot of multiplying to get to a million.
Cindy: Look, you start with two rabbits, they have babies, then their babies have babies, and then THEIR babies have babies…
Marcia: …and then the Health Department comes in and condemns our house!
Marcia and Jan continue to crack up and Cindy looks at them annoyed.
Bobby's in his and Peter's bedroom, trying to think of marketing strategies. He's pacing the floor, seemingly lost in thought..
Bobby: Lessee…if I sell this crate, that's twenty-four dollars, and then another, it's another twenty-four, to make forty-eight…
Mike: Hey Bob, whacha doing?
Bobby: Oh, hey dad. I'm just thinking.
Mike: About what?
Bobby: Trying to conceal his package. Oh, nothing.
Mike: Your mother told me about your purchase.
Bobby: Disappointed. Oh, you're gonna make me pour it out, aren't ya?
Mike: No.
Bobby: You're not?
Mike: No. I think you're old enough to make some decisions on your own, and if this is what you want to do, I won't stand in your way.
Bobby: His face brightens. You won't?
Mike: No, I won't. But I will say that I think you're wasting your time and money with that stuff.
Bobby: Letting his dad's words go in one ear and out the other. Well, if you say so, dad. He continues figuring and pacing.
Mike: Just don't forget to do your homework.
Bobby: Okay, dad.
Mike shakes his head and walks out of the room, leaving his youngest son to his pacing.
Bobby goes up to Greg's room to sell him some tonic. Greg is studying at his desk.
Bobby: Hi, Greg. I'm really worried about you.
Greg: Uh, what are you worried about?
Bobby: Your appearance for graduation Friday.
Greg: Amused. Oh? Anything in particular?
Bobby: He puts his hand on Greg's shoulder. Yeah, your unruly hair.
Greg: Playing along. I see, and I suppose you have the answer to the unruly condition of my hair.
Bobby: Very possible, the answer is, (He picks up a bottle to display it)… a bottle of "Neat and Natural Hair Tonic."
Greg: Just what I figured, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested. He gets up and escorts Bobby out of the room. I'm just gonna hafta graduate unruly.
Bobby: But, but?
Greg: No buts!
Bobby: I'm even gonna give you first crack at my limited supply! He's almost begging.
Greg: Well, I'm gonna be the first to say, goodbye! He closes the door behind them.
Bobby: Shouting at the door. You had your chance!
Meanwhile, Cindy opens the family room sliding glass door. She's carrying a cage with two fluffy white rabbits.
Cindy: Hey mom, look what I got!
Carol: What in the world?
Alice: Rabbits! Those are rabbits!
Cindy: Grinning. I named them Romeo and Juliet. I'm gonna sell the babies to Mr. Kirby at the pet store for a dollar each.
Alice: Did Mr. Kirby say he was gonna buy them?
Cindy: Not yet, but I'm sure he will. 'Cause he can sell them to other people for three dollars each. Sounding rather pleased with herself.
Carol: Putting a hand on her hip. How can you be so sure?
Cindy: He sold these to me for three dollars each!
Alice: I think it's Mr. Kirby that's gonna be the millionaire. She leaves.
Carol: Cindy, I hope you understand that Romeo and Juliet are gonna be YOUR responsibility. She points to the rabbits and then points to her daughter.
Cindy: Tries to assure her mother. Don't worry mom, I'll take really good care of them. I'll keep them right up in my room.
Carol: What about your two sisters?
Cindy: They can stay too!
Carol: I was referring to the noise and the smell.
Cindy: Don't worry. The rabbits will get used to it.
Carol: Laughing. Oh Cindy, I think it'll be a lot less complicated if we move the rabbits onto the service porch.
Cindy: That's even a better idea! Addresses her rabbits. D'ya hear that? You're gonna get first floor accommodations. She picks up the cage and moves it to the porch.
Carol laughs and continues dusting the family room.
Meanwhile, Bobby begins door-to-door selling. He approaches a house and rings the bell. A lady answers.
Bobby: Acting as if he was doing a commercial. Madame, are you tired of your hair being an unruly mess, dry, brittle?
Offended, the lady slams the door in his face. Bobby's face falls, feeling a bit dejected. He returns the bottle to his bicycle and rides to the next house. The sign on the door reads, "No peddlers nor agents." He parks his bike and proceeds to the door anyway. He rings the bell. A man answers.
Man: Yes?
Bobby: Displaying a bottle. Sir, would you like to buy this…? He gets cut off.
Man: Can't you read, kid? The sign says "No peddlers nor agents.
Bobby: A bit flustered. Yeah, but I'm a salesman!
Man: Uh huh. A salesman's a peddler. Now scram! He shuts the door on Bobby.
Bobby: But, sir? He sighs and moves on.
A man wearing a toupee answers the next door.
Toupee Man: Whadda you want? He's a bit annoyed.
Bobby: Begins his pitch. It's not what I want. It's what YOU want. A bottle of "Neat and Natural Hair Tonic!" It keeps your hair well-groomed all day.
Toupee Man: I'm a night watchman. I sleep all day.
Bobby: Realizing his error. Well, it works at night, too.
Toupee Man: Sorry, I'm not interested. He begins to shut the door.
Bobby: Interrupting. But sir? Sir, don'cha wanna look well-groomed for your job?
Toupee Man: I told you, I'm a night watchman. Who needs to look good for a burglar?
Bobby: Well, if the burglar scares you, this will keep your hair from standing on end.
Toupee Man: Not my hair. He lifts his toupee off his head and reveals a balding head. Goodbye. He waves Bobby off with his toupee and shuts the door.
Bobby leaves with feelings of horror, error and rejection mixed together.
Mike and Carol descend the stairs. They see a dejected Bobby ascending the stairs with a full box of merchandise.
Carol: Hi, honey! How goes the millionaire business?
Bobby: Awful. I didn't make a single sale.
Mike: Trying to sound encouraging. Well, after all, it's your first day.
Bobby: Yeah, and it's also my last day.
Carol: You don't mean you're quitting?
Bobby: Yeah. I'm a failure.
Bobby sits down on a step. Mike helps Carol down and then takes a seat himself.
Mike: Listen, there's an old saying "Quitters never win and winners never quit."
Bobby: Yeah, that's corny, dad.
Mike: Well, it may be corny, but it's also true. Listen Bob, the great ones never quit no matter how tough things get. Take Thomas Edison, for instance. Did he quit?
Bobby: No.
Mike: How 'bout the Wright Brothers? Did they quit?
Bobby: No.
Carol: And how 'bout Carl Mahakian?
Bobby: Carl Mahakian? Never heard of him.
Carol: That's right! 'Cause he quit!
Both Mike and Bobby look at her confused.
Carol: It's a joke! She looks at them with a bit of confusion and disappointment.
The men still look confused. Bobby then tries to humour his mother with a fake laugh.
Mike: Looks at his wife and then at Bobby. Anyway, we're just trying to prove a point. He points his index finger at his son while Carol puts her arm around Bobby. If you really want to make it at something, if you really wanna do it, you gotta hang in there.
Bobby: Boy, I wish I had as much confidence in me as you two do. Thanks for the advice.
Bobby stands up and walks up the stairs. Mike stands as well and starts down the stairs. Carol tries to, but has difficulty getting up.
Carol: Uhh Mike? Help me up?
Mike: Smiles and gives Carol his hand. Sure.
He helps her up and they finish descending the stairs.
Greg and Peter are in Peter's bedroom where Greg is giving Peter his letterman sweater. Peter's trying it on and admiring himself in the mirror.
Greg: Well, it's a little big, but you'llgrow into it.
Peter: Boy, giving me your letterman sweater. I really appreciate it.
Greg: Well, I'm graduating and you'll be going to Westdale next year. But the letter comes off. You'll have to earn your own.
Peter: Don't worry, I'll earn one…in some sport.
Greg: Yeah, chasing girls!
Bobby enters the room, still feeling down.
Peter: Hi.
Bobby: Hi.
Peter: What's the matter with you?
Bobby: I'm a failure. That's what's the matter with me.
Greg: Bob, you're not old enough to be a failure, yet. Laughs a bit.
Bobby: Well, I got an early start.
Peter: You didn't sell any of your hair tonic, huh?
Bobby: Not a drop.
Greg: Cheer up. You'll sell some.
Bobby: Are you kidding? He gets up and heads toward his bed with the box. I couldn't even sell a bag of peanuts to a starving elephant.
Greg: Umm Bobby, I've been umm thinking, you're right. I've gotta look my best for graduation. I really need a bottle of that stuff. He walks toward his brother.
Bobby: You're just doing it because you feel sorry for me.
Greg: No. No, look. He leans over and scratches his scalp. My hair's unruly; it's dry and brittle. He fingers some of the locks. Right, Peter?
Peter: It's practically a fire hazard!
Both brothers look at him like he's just grown a second head.
Greg: I'd like to buy a bottle, Bobby.
Bobby: Are you sure you're not doing it just out of charity?
Greg: Puts his hand over his heart. Would I give up my hard-earned cash if I really didn't want it? Trying to look sincere.
Bobby: I guess not. You're pretty cheap.
Greg: Trying not to feel insulted. Thanks.
Peter starts cracking up, knowing this is not going to end well.
Greg: Walks over to Peter. Hey Peter, you could use a bottle too, huh? He winks at Peter.
Peter: Trying to make a fast getaway. Uhh, sorry, there's something I've gotta do right away.
Bobby: Tries to shove a bottle into Peter's hands. What?
Peter: Leave! See ya! He leaves the room.
Bobby: Boy, some brother! Looks toward the door. Greg turns toward Bobby. Oh, that'll be two dollars.
Greg gets his wallet out of his back pocket and gets out the money.
Bobby: TWO dollars.
Greg:Gives him another dollar. All right.
Bobby gives him the bottle and puts the money in his pocket.
Greg: You're welcome. Tries to exit the room.
Bobby: Goes after him and tugs the back of Greg's shirt. Hey, aren't you gonna put some of that on?
Greg: Yeah, later.
Bobby: See, just like I thought. He throws his hands up in the air. You bought some because you felt sorry for me.
Greg: Bobby, I said I didn't!
Bobby: Well, then put some on!
Greg: Gives up and laughs a bit. Okay.
Bobby: Here, I'll help you. He tries to open the bottle in Greg's hands.
Greg: I can do it myself.
Bobby: It's free customer service. Come on! Getting excited.
Bobby leads Greg into the bathroom. Greg gets in the tub and Bobby drapes a blue towel around his shoulders. Bobby then opens the bottle and gets ready to pour some on Greg's scalp. Greg takes the bottle from Bobby.
Greg: Bobby, I can do it myself. He pours a bit in his hand.
Bobby: I just wanna make sure it's done right.
Greg: Rubs his hands together. Don't worry, I'll do it right. He puts some on his scalp.
Bobby: A bit offended that Greg only used a small amount. That's not enough! I want you to be an example for the whole neighbourhood to see. He steps in the tub behind Greg and pours nearly half the bottle on Greg's head.
Greg: Flinches because it's wet and cold. Bobby! Not so much! He hugs the towel closer, hoping not to get any of that stuff on his face or clothes.
Bobby: It's all right. Don't worry about me using too much. You know where you can always get more. He rubs it in, pours more on and rubs that in as well. Use this stuff twice a day and you'll me Mr. Cool at Westdale High.
Suddenly, a look of horror spreads across his face and tries to keep Greg from finding out what has happened. He covers his brother's head with a towel and starts to run out of the room.
Greg: Hey! Still laughing, thinking things are still light-hearted. Hey Bobby, what's the towel for? Wondering what's going on.
Bobby: It's umm, good for hair follicles. See ya later! He runs out of the room.
Greg: Takes the towel off his head. Hey, where are you goin'? He shakes his head and rubs his scalp with the towel as he gets up to look in the mirror. Oh no! He looks in horror and shock. Orange! Tomorrow's graduation and I've got…ORANGE HAIR!!
A/N—I've split this episode into two parts because it's rather long. So, tune into the next page for the rest of "Hairbrained Scheme!"