I do not own glee! I wish I did though...:)
I stayed with him. At the hospital. I stayed all night. For him. Waiting for my chance to see him again. To touch him again. To love him again. Because for how scared I was to see him here, I can only imagine how terrified he is to be here, lying in a foreign bed, wrists bandaged, doctors constantly rushing in and out.
When morning came, all of the other glee club members had left, and Quinn and Santana had taken Sarah home. The only people left were Finn, Noah's mother, Ruth, and myself. Ruth hadn't stopped sobbing all night. I can't imagine how hard it is for a mother to know that her child wanted to kill himself. To know that your child doesn't want to exist anymore. And Finn just sits there, holding her, silently crying himself. It's hard on him too. Seeing his best friend since before they can remember, lying there so lifeless, so dead, it can't be easy at all. Having to call 9-1-1 as he bled out on the dorm room floor, sobbing, it seems that the only things wanted was to repress the memories.
After the initial shock of the previous night's events wore off, I just became numb, not really knowing what to do with myself. I paced around. I checked my phone. I cried. I did anything to ignore the pain. Anything to avoid the fear. The fear that he wasn't going to be alright. Just the fear that he would never learn to love himself again. And to think that I put him here, in this situation, it kills me with guilt inside. It hurts my heart that I threw away all of the love that we shared for some meaningless fuck with Blaine. I threw away the promise I made, to be with someone I could never love. Someone who could never love me back.
"Hey, Kurt...Kurt!" Finn said softly nudging me with his hand, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah…"
"I'm gonna take Ms. Puckerman home to eat and take a shower. Wanna come with me?"
"No, I'll just stay here."
"Dude, you look like death, you're not gonna be any help if you're exhausted…"
"I can't…"
"It's only gonna be for a couple hours and he's stable, so he's not gonna die while we're gone."
"I know, I just...I feel bad." I say quietly.
"Why? No one saw it coming. We didn't know…"
"I could've seen it Finn! I could've helped him…" I yell, Finn flinching in front of me. "I could've called him or texted him...anything! But I sat there, ignoring him...and that fact is eating away at me." I sniffled back a few tears, stood up and pulled Finn outside, leaving a distressed Ruth Puckerman behind.
"Dude, what's going on? Why are you bringing me out here?" Finn asks questioningly.
"I'm the reason he's here, Finn…" I tell him, not even able to look at him in the eye.
"What are you talking about, Kurt?"
"Here…" I pull the letter out of my pocket and put it in his hand. "Read it."
"I can't, he wrote it for you to read."
"It's his fucking suicide note, Finn...he...just read it…"
He opens up the crumpled and folded letter and scans his eyes down the page. Tears build in his eyes as they make their way down the depressing note. When he finishes reading and rereading the letter, he folds it back up in shock.
"What?" He asks, mouth gaping. I take the letter back from his hands and tuck it safely into my pocket. "Why...why did he write that?"
"Finn, I...we...he...just...I cheated on him Finn."
"How...How did you cheat on him? You were never together…" He says breathlessly.
"We...we were, well, secretly, all through senior year...and the first two years of college. He...He came to New York and... and we were so in love, Finn…" I pause to breathe. "He gave me a promise, Finn… He told me that when I was ready, he would propose, and he gave me a ring...he told me to give it back to him when I was ready…" I took another breath, wiping away some tears. "I gave it back and told him I was ready a few months later. He proposed and we moved into an apartment together. We started to plan our wedding, we were going to keep it small, close friends and family…" Willing myself to force out a breath, I let out a small sob before continuing. "One day, I guess I was just in a shit mood, depressed, down on myself...and...and Blaine was just there and…we...we just..."
"No, Kurt...you didn't" I nodded and began to full-out sob, tears making their way down my face as I curl up on one of the benches in front of the hospital. Finn sits next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. It seems weird. Yesterday, I was the one comforting a sobbing, distressed Finn, and now, it's the other way around. I know I don't deserve it, I don't deserve any comfort, so I pull away, but Finn sees my resistance and moves closer.
"Hey, it's gonna be ok, Kurt…"
"No Finn...It's never going to be ok. Nothing's going to be ok. I don't want Blaine, or…or anyone else. I only want Noah. And I fucked up those chances pretty damn well." Finn removes his arm and stands up, sighing.
"Kurt, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how much of a douche you are, but I can't help you here." Finn starts. "For as much as I love you, you screwed Noah over so much that I can't see a way for you to make it better. He's just so hurt inside, I can't imagine not being wanted by anyone, especially the one he gave his heart to."
"But I do want him, Finn."
"Then I guess you have a hell of a lot of making up to do. Puck doesn't trust many people, Kurt, and you destroyed it. You destroyed his trust, his heart… you destroyed his life, Kurt." And with that, Finn walks back into the hospital, giving me a somber look as he leaves.
I take a deep breath, wipe the tears from my face with my already soaked sleeve, and stand up from the uncomfortable hospital bench. I walk out to my rental car and get in, texting my dad that I'm coming home for a little bit. I start the car and start to drive around Lima. Somehow, this hell hole town that tortured me all throughout high school could really calm me down and clear my head. As I drive around, wandering aimlessly, thoughts stream back through my mind. Thoughts of where we started, where we stopped, and where we are now. I just wish that we could go back to the start. The beginning. Senior year. The best year of my life. Because I had Noah, wholeheartedly. And here I am now. Wanting him back. Wanting my former bully, and lover, back. Because now I realize, I will and forever always love him wholeheartedly, and I'm not ready to let that go. I'm not ready to let Noah go.
A/N: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I can't tell you enough how much they motivate me to write. From constructive criticism to smiley faces, anything helps. Anything you want me to write about? Leave a review...Oh, and I was listening to Missed by Ella Henderson while I wrote this...Great song. Thanks! :):)