DISCLAIMER: Nothing is mine. Unfortunately.
AUTHOR's NOTES: This is an outtake from the previous story. I was going to start with this, then dithered about so much it didn't fit in anywhere. I like it though, so it is here.
Severus
He'd just killed Dumbledore…he'd just killed Dumbledore.
'I'm sorry'… Dumbleodre's voice echoed in his head just as it had done up on the astronomy tower, 'I'm sorry it's come to this Severus. I've killed myself for nothing. The mission was a failure, I haven't saved Draco and now I'm throwing you to the wolves. Do it…please."
Then aloud Dumbledore had begged, for life it seemed to everyone else, but Severus knew he was pleading for death, knew exactly what this great man had been reduced to.
And he'd killed him, begging for forgiveness even as he spoke the words aloud.
Looking down at the boy running beside him Severus felt another pang of grief and guilt. Saving Draco was the only mission he had left now, the only reason for him still being here at all. If he could take this boy and remould him into something different, into the person his mother wanted him to be rather than the person his father had idly fashioned then some good might have come out of all of this, but it was a slim hope to cling to.
There was a tiny glimmer of hope to cling to, he told himself, because Draco hadn't done it. Draco couldn't kill Dumbledore and maybe that meant he was finally growing, finally changing into someone his mother could be proud of, someone worthy of the Back blood.
A picture of Sirius flew into his mind and Severus had to fight back the emotion as he remembered the man he had loved without ever having had him. It had taken him years to read the look in Sirius' eyes every time they fought, allowing himself to be deceived by the harsh words because it was easier to believe that he had no hope of succeeding.
We never knew how to love each other, did we? We couldn't push past our circumstances, we couldn't talk to each other.
For a long time Severus had clung to that fact as proof that he was imagining their shared feelings, because it was easier to accept their fallacy rather than their impossibility. Truth forced itself in, however, and even now, running for his life after killing his mentor, Severus found himself thinking of Sirius, wanting to be worthy of the love he knew the other man had held for him in life.
My entire world is tilting and still I think of him, he chastised himself firmly, pulling his thoughts back to the present after allowing himself one final prayer. I love you and I'll be with you soon, Sirius, and then maybe we'll know.
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately