Part 2 - Rainclouds and Despair

I've played plenty of horror games and watched way too many horror movies. I thought I'd be desensitized to all that stuff. But nothing. Nothing…could have prepared me for the sight of my childhood friend hanging by a noose, frantically clawing at the rope around her neck, blood on her fingers and tears streaming down her face. For a few moments, it's like time ceases to exist. I'm standing there, thinking my eyes are playing tricks on me. They must be. There's absolutely no way that what I'm seeing in front of me can be real. Sayori wouldn't do this. I'm just hallucinating my worst fear.

No. This isn't a hallucination. Reality slaps me hard, and a detached part of me realises that unless I stop standing around like a gormless idiot, she's going to die! Frantically, I dart to the chair, stepping up and positioning myself behind her. With a grunt, I manage to hoist her up and sling that horrid, horrid noose off her neck, helping her back onto the chair with me.

She coughs repeatedly, gasping for air and rubbing her neck. Still in a state of dumbfounded shock, I'm too paralysed to do anything except just watch her and attempt to process what just happened.

'MC…I'm so s-s-s…' Sayori attempts to speak, but the tears prove much too strong. I've never heard anyone cry like that before, and in a flash I'm over to her, wrapping her into a hug.

She melts into my chest, sobbing hysterically. Instinctively I pull her as close as I can, feeling her warm tears drench my shirt. My own tears are flowing as well, but I make no effort to hide them. I slowly run my fingers through her hair and stroke the back of her neck.

'Sssh…it's okay. I'm here now, I promise.' It's not much, but it's all I have.

'I was so close to doing it, MC, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, you probably hate me…' the hysterical crying continues, along with the pain in my heart.

Nuzzling down, I bury my face into her hair, taking in the sweet scent of her shampoo. To think this could've been the last time I could ever experience that. I'm probably drenching her hair with my tears, but in this moment I couldn't care less.

'Sayori, I could never hate you. The only person I hate right now is myself…I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you earlier. But I have you now, and that's all that matters at the moment,' I whisper, my own voice threatening to break from the tears.

Eventually we break apart. While she's still crying, the hysterics have subsided a little bit, and she's a little calmer.

'T-Thank you, MC. I was so scared…I t-t-thought this was the right thing to do but when I kicked the chair down I realised this was such a s-s-s-stupid thing to do, please don't hate me for being so weak…' she sobs, tears clouding her lovely blue eyes.

'Sayori.' I need her to look at me. She refuses to meet my gaze. Sighing, I tilt her head up.

'Sayori. I meant it when I said I could never hate you. Please believe me. I'm just so…in shock, I wasn't expecting this at all, I'm still trying to process what I just saw and I, I –' I can't go on any longer. The full realisation of what just happened hits me with full force, and my own tears are now inhibiting my ability to speak.

She reaches forward to me, and in a role reversal, she's reaching out to my face to wipe a few of my own tears. In spite of myself, I can't help but give a bitter smile. Wasn't I the one who was supposed to be comforting her, not the other way around?

'I know, I'm so sorry, it must have been so awful for you to see, I didn't want anyone to know…' she mumbles, looking ashamedly at the floor.

'Until what?! Until I came to your house the next day and found…you, dead? Do you have any idea what you mean to me, and how much it would've ruined…everything?!' I find myself shouting at her, and I immediately feel awful for doing it. But I can't help it. As the realisation dawns on me, the further into hysterics I get. 'Sayori, I couldn't imagine a world without you! We've been childhood friends for what, eighteen years now? And you think you can just…what, walk out of my life and expect me not to care?!'

Her eyes fill up with fresh tears, and raw shame and anguish clouds her features once more.

'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to shout, it's just…god, I was so scared, just seeing you there, I thought it was a nightmare at first, I couldn't believe it was actually real…just…god, sorry, I don't know how to handle this at all…' I'm sobbing just as hard as she is.

Taking a few deeps breaths in an attempt to calm down, I wipe my face and gently hold Sayori's hands. Like mine, they're trembling.

'I'm sorry, I really am. I shouldn't have shouted. I just panicked. Please tell me what's going on? I know you told me you were depressed but I didn't think it was this bad? I won't judge you or anything, I promise.' I hope she can pick up on the sincerity behind my words.

Nodding, she looks at me, appearing to struggle with what to say next.

'I don't know what to tell you. The rainclouds just... won't go away. It was so, so bad today. The loneliness, the exhaustion. Do you know how tiring it is keeping this happy front up? Making everyone believe I'm okay? I…I thought this was the best choice. A way to solve all of my problems, MC. No more tiredness, no more loneliness, no more…pain. Why do people care about me? Why am I worth worrying about? There are plenty of other people out there, who're worth your time. Like the girls at the club. Do you know how happy I was when you started integrating with them? It was like…it stopped raining inside my head, for just a moment. The moment is long gone now…but I remember it so well, and I miss it.'

'Sayori. I don't know if I can make you see my perspective on this, but god knows I'm going to at least try! You've been my friend for what, eighteen years? Do you know how much you mean to me? I couldn't even imagine a world without you. I'd miss you so, so much if you died. Just…just thinking about a world with you not in it is hard enough. Who would be there to greet me every morning? Who'd be there to walk with home with me, after school?'

I start crying again. Just thinking about an alternative timeline where I was too late to save her…it's too much.

'You just don't see how special and important you are. Your presence at the club always makes it better. At ease. It's a calm, comfortable environment. When you left on Friday, it just felt off. Tense, wrong. And I couldn't stop worrying about you. Especially after you told me you had depression. It's been on my mind ever since.'

'MC…I never meant to scare you. Please believe me when I say I'm genuinely just…so sorry, I can't imagine how it must've been for you.'

'I'll gladly forgive all of that if you can just please…promise me you'll never do anything like that again. God knows you mean far too much to me for me to ever lose you. If you're feeling down, or you want to do something, anything…just let me know, okay? We'll beat this together.'

I try and smile reassuringly at her. She doesn't even attempt to return it, instead looking away.

'I don't think it'll be that easy,' she says sadly. 'Don't you remember? Having people worry about me is the last thing I want. Being a burden, people wasting their energy on me…I don't want that at all.'

I won't lie, it's daunting hearing all of this. How can I help her if she doesn't even want to be helped? Pausing for a few moments, I think about how to reply.

'Well…the thing is, no one's forcing me to do this. No one told me I had to come here and check on you. I did this myself, just because I wanted to. I chose it all. It's my 'burden' to bear, and I'm using that word sceptically because I don't believe you're a burden at all. Like I said, you're my childhood friend, and I've known you for so long. It's about damn time I started acting like it. How could I have just neglected you over these past few years? Because of what, gaming and anime? Listen Sayori, let me tell you - today made me realise how there's far more important things out there, namely you. I love who you are as a person, all the memories we've shared, all the jokes we've told, all the adventures we've been on. You think I can share those with anyone else?'

I smile briefly, reflecting on some of our happier nostalgic moments.

'You came into my life all those years ago. And I'm sorry, but…you can't just decide who should and shouldn't care for you. Surely I get a say in that too, right? And I've made my decision. You know what it is, and I know you probably don't agree with it but…I'm sorry, it's not changing.'

It might not be what she wants, but there's no chance in hell I'm going to leave her now. Not after all of this. If anything, it's steeled my resolution to see her through this, no matter how long it takes. Upon seeing the seriousness on my face, she sighs, a ghost of a genuine smile dancing on her face. It's ever so endearing to see, especially after all the crying.

'You're really not going to leave me alone, even though I don't want you caring for me?'

'Definitely not.'

'And nothing I can say or do will change that, will it?'

'Am I really that easy to read?' I joke, trying to add a tiny tinge of humour into the rather bleak situation.

She laughs, and my god is that laugh beautiful. It's like a rainbow finally shining through after a rainy day. After all, you can't have a rainbow without rain, can you?

'Well…I guess in some ways I'm thankful, MC. It's been…hard, doing this alone. As much as I didn't want others to worry, I'd be lying if I said I didn't at least feel a tiny bit better for sharing. Thank you.'

She looks at me with eyes swimming with heartfelt gratitude, and in that moment I'm so, so grateful I decided to listen to my intuition and visit her.

'Honestly, there's nothing to thank me for, Sayori. You'd do the same thing if I were in your situation, right?'

'Ehehehe! Of course! ~' she giggles, and for a moment it's almost like everything has gone back to how it used to be.

'Well then, you can kinda see where I'm coming from then, right?'

'Aha…well, maybe, I guess.' She doesn't sound convinced.

'You know…now, bear with me, it's going to sound really cheesy…' I frown slightly, rubbing the back of my neck out of slight embarrassment.

'Huh? What are you talking about?' she looks at me with a quizzical expression.

'Well uhm…well it does sound a bit melodramatic, but I read somewhere that 'Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.' I recall the quote rather sheepishly.

She looks at me for a second, then bursts out into a fit of giggles.

'Oh MC, you're so silly sometimes, you know?'

'What? I know it's a bit silly but uh…well, you said you felt like you have a raincloud, and I thought it was kinda relevant and…' I trail off into silence, internally cringing at how stupid that attempt at comfort might've sounded.

'No no! It's not a bad thing! I think it's lovely, and thank you for saying it to try and cheer me up! It's just that….ehehehe, I never would've expected you to say that!'

'Oh? And what's that supposed to mean?' I jokingly feign being offended.

She didn't pick up on the last part, and bless her, she gets quite flustered.

'N-nothing! It's just that uhm…well, apart from today you're not exactly umm…like, 'deep' or anything, and….'

She desperately looks up, feeling like she's just further digging the hole she's made. Realising that I'm joking, she immediately pouts.

'Meanie! I thought you were upset at me…' she whines.

'Ahaha, oh god Sayori, I've really missed this. You're quite fun to tease, you know? Reminds me of our childhood again…' I wink at her and chuckle to myself.

'You're still a meanie.' I can't help but notice how childish that sounds, although my laughing is cut short by her poking me in the ribs.

'Ow! Not cool. You've always known I was ticklish in that spot…if it's any consolation, you're not the only one who thinks I'm a bit dense…'

'Well…you can be sometimes,' she giggles, playfully sticking her tongue out at me.

'Wow. This is what I get for trying to be nice, huh?' I mutter sarcastically. She giggles.

Despite the comforting humorous lull that has descended upon the room, there's still an underlying awkward air. We both know exactly what it is, and neither of us want to be the first to ruin the happy mood. I sigh. I really don't want to have to drag the conversation back to reality, but this has to be done. Sitting down on her bed, I motion for her to sit next to me.

'I really hate to drag the mood back down, Sayori, but we uh…still have a lot to sort out, if you know what I mean.' The elephant in the room needs to be addressed, as much as I don't want to.

'Hmm? What do you mean?' she asks, looking a little puzzled. I can't tell if she genuinely doesn't know what I'm alluding to, and if she can't, I feel even guiltier.

'Your uh…depression, and what just happened now…' I trail off into an awkward silence. I couldn't bring myself to say 'suicide attempt'. Guess a part of me is still in denial about that.

'Oh…' her face falls again, and it's such a contrast from the cheery laughter I just saw. Constantly telling myself this has to be done doesn't do anything to make the guilt subside.

'I know it's a big ask but…I think you should see someone about this. A doctor, a therapist. Someone who can deal with this better than we can.'

She looks away, clearly uncomfortable. God, how on earth am I meant to handle this? I've never had to deal with this before, and now suddenly I'm thrown right in the deep end. I'm trying to help her, I really am, but why do I feel like I'm just making it worse?

'Oh…I don't know MC, I don't think that'll really help…' she chokes out, her eyes downcast.

Reaching out to her, I place my hands on her shoulders, silently willing her to make eye contact. She does, but only briefly, turning away almost immediately. However, I stop her and reach out to her face, brushing away a tear with a shaky finger.

'Sayori. I know it's a big ask. And god knows how scary it must be for you. Please believe me when I say that. I can't even imagine what you're going through. But while I'll always be here to listen to you and help you, there's only so much I can do. These are people, professionals, who can truly help you get through this.'

'…can they, though? How do you know they can even help me, MC?' comes the bitter reply, and I'm taken aback. It's so unlike Sayori to be so negative about something.

'I don't,' I quietly admit. 'But that doesn't mean we can't try.'

'But what if it doesn't work?' comes the fearful reply.

'Then we just find another doctor,' I reply, my tone firm.

'I can't, MC, I'm sorry. I know you want me to, but I just can't bring myself to,' she cries, the tears coming back with some kind of sadistic vengeance.

'Sayori, if you're scared, like I said I completely understand. But I'll always be here with you, every step of the way. I'll walk to you to the doctor's, I'll stay in the waiting room while you make the appointment, hell I'll even wait outside during one of your therapy sessions. Nor could I care less how long I have to wait for. Half an hour, hours, weeks, days, months, years. I'll be there with you to see this raincloud through. I'll be your umbrella, and that damned cloud can do its best to get rid of me but I'm not moving,' I say, and I've never said anything with such fierce conviction before in my life.

She looks up at me, evidently picking up on it as well. Giving me a watery smile, she reaches over for an embrace. I'm more than happy to comply, wrapping my arms around her and breathing in her very essence, drinking in the moment in its entirety.

'You're the best, you know that?' she mumbles, nuzzling into my shoulder. 'What did I ever do to deserve you?'

'I could say the exact same thing for you. And I want to remember everything I've said, even when that raincloud is at its heaviest, and when it's truly raining inside your head.'