1.) Welcome back! I'm just loving the feedback that you guys have been tossing at me: this is my most reviewed FE story ever! As a result, I made this chapter 25% longer (accidentally). Hopefully we can push this to new heights!
2.) I'd give a shout-out to the peeps who I got some of the questions from, if ever, but I'll just let Chrom handle that. Anyway, if I picked your questions or not, I thank you all for contributing to this story!
Chapter Two: "Oh great, there are scores now."
"And we're back, with sanity intact!" cheered Robin, confetti falling from the sky. She pulled out a staff, as the camera zoomed in on a sigil inscribed on it. It depicted a bald guy holding up a staff in an overly dramatic way. "I'd like to thank our sponsor 'Wrys's Staves' for that speedy recovery!" Behind the Anna-ized Tactician was a tired-looking Chrom, his grip on Falchion's pommel turning his knuckles white. "Anyway, let's get on with the recap of the scores-"
"Oh great, there are scores now," sighed Chrom, palming his face. "I thought I'd just pick a girl after the three rounds were up based on their answers. Y'know, free will."
"'Free will'?" asked Robin, a question mark popping up above her head. She pulled out a silver stylus, showing it off to the prince. "Please, Krom, with the power of this stick, I control your whole life. Who told you that sheathing Falchion in favor for a much stronger Silver Sword in the fight that almost cost you your life?"
"Okay, I will agree with whatever you say," said Chrom. 'Just stop breaking the fourth wall!'
"Anyway, here's the recap! In the bottom with one lonely point is Lady B! Apparently the judges are very strict when it comes to hair color compatibility!"
"Wait, judges!?"
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" said the peppy white-headed women, motioning towards the three sitting behind the white table. "Here are your judges for tonight!"
Chrom, scanning the judges' table, sighed. "Frederick and Lissa, how in the world did you get to become judges!?"
"I, Frederick the Wary, must be wary of your potential lover," said Frederick, wearing the stern look that was always on his face. Chrom sighed, as he lowered his gaze at Frederick's shaking shoulders. The blue Captain had to commend the pre-promote's ability to hide his feelings, though. According to Frederick's shaking shoulders, he really wanted to laugh.
"I want to show everyone that I can be mature, so I joined this mature show!" said Lissa, the prospect of finding a lover sounding so mature in her mind.
"Well, you picked the wrong program," said Robin, taking back control over the show. "Anyway-"
"But who is that?" asked Chrom, pointing at a mysterious cloaked figure. When Robin shrugged, the prince had to hold in a sigh. "I should've known-"
"Anyway," interjected the hostess, "Lovely A has a decent two, while C has a one point lead on A!" Almost everyone fell out of their seats. C's insane answer beat A's innocent answer!? Robin swiped an index card from the judges' table, and read it. "Apparently... they think that having inter-gender relationships will spice up the relationship nicely." Frederick and Lissa were both nodding, while the cloaked figure just shrugged.
"W-What!? You know what, I won't even ask anymore," said Chrom, slumping back into his seat. "Please, let's just end this." Robin walked over to him, and switched out the old question card with a new one. Chrom read through it, and smiled. No insane crap was written! He had thought that Robin or whoever wrote the questions had lost any and all respect for him and the ladies, but apparently, he was wrong. Simple, sensible questions. Chrom liked simple and sensible. "Alright, I'm ready."
"Okay, we're going to mix it up a little in this round," said Robin, snapping her fingers. At her command, small podiums rose from the ground in front of the girls, each having a big red button adorned on it. "Krom will ask a question, and the girl who would like to answer has to slam her chest – yes, chest – onto the button. If two out of three judges approve, then she gets a point. Once a girl has gotten a point, her button will be deactivated, so only choose questions that you're sure that you can answer! Alright, Krom, start!"
"From Blue's Pichu – whoever he is - : There's someone you like but you don't know how to approach him. What will you do?" asked Chrom. Instantly, the Pegasus Knights froze. Neither of them had the courage to actually approach their love interest with romance in mind, and they couldn't just answer with "Bake him a pie/check Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight for tips". That was just weird, though it wasn't like there weren't weirder answers said. Sadly for them, a certain Dark Mage pressed her bountiful rack against the button, temporarily locking the buttons of the other ladies. At Robin's command, the light all centered towards the hex expert as the white-haired tactician took center-stage.
"Alright, go Lady C!" cheered Robin, rallying up the crowd.
"I don't need to approach anyone, since I'm always near the people I love," said Tharja, warming the audience's collective heart. Even Chrom, who was expecting a very out-of-this-world answer from the controversial lady, was at ease with the answer. "Stalking gets you near enough, right?" Everyone, excluding the judges, fell out of their seats. Speaking of the judges, Frederick glared at Tharja... before slowly putting up a thumb, the panel above him displaying a green check symbol.
"W-Where did that answer come from!?" cried Chrom, staggering to his feet after face-faulting hard to the ground. "No – where did that check sign thing come from!? Ugh, y'know what, I won't give a care anymore. There are just some things that can't change, no matter how much someone challenges their fate, and the insanity of this game show is something that will never leave."
As the hooded figure flinched a little at Chrom's words, Lissa looked at the check mark above Frederick's head, and thumbs-upped too, copying a grown-up so that she could be "just like her sister". "Alright, Tharja gets the full three points, making her total score six! The next question to be answered will be worth only two points, by the way! Now, Krom, pick anoth- ooh, an audience question!"
A banner with the words "Audience Question!" was flashed above the Ylissean Bachelor sign. Before Chrom could even be in shock, the cue card in his hand just disintegrated, as magical letters appeared in front of the audience, forming a question. Robin, holding up a book, said, "Hm... the question is... 'If your husband had special tears that granted strength in battle, would you make him cry till he was dry for said tears?' That was from- hey, Ann!"
"Hello to you too, hon!" said a smirking Anna with a Levin Sword in hand. Chrom just had to palm his face: whenever Anna and Robin were together, trouble (mostly for him) was sure to follow. Then the gravity of the question shocked him.
"Where did that question come from? Grima's underwear drawer!?" cried Chrom, though once he remembered that the crazy lady had already used up her turn, he merely slumped back into his chair, instead of using Falchion to rid the place of evil. Thank goodness for small graces! Unlike the calmed-down Chrom...
...The other two were nervous wrecks. Both needed love, and their dark mage competitor – who could obviously take love by force – was beating them. It didn't help that the questions were starting to get insane! Still, since she actually had a chance to best Tharja, Sumia took the courage, and slammed her armored chest against the button. Instantly, the balls of light zoned in on her, as she started sweating bullets.
"Uhh... I would?" said Sumia, shrugging her shoulders. It was a good guess – it seemed that the judges liked extreme actions – but it wasn't good enough. A loud "ENK!" echoed through the room, as Frederick and Lissa, red x's above their heads, shook their heads in synchrony. "Aww, for Naga's sake..."
"'Men aren't supposed to cry under any circumstances' says the judges," said Robin, reading off their reason. "Poor A doesn't get any points in this round. Oh well, the last – but not the least – is Lady B. Krom, are you ready?"
"No." Robin fell down. "Sure, her answer wasn't perfect, but it was the weird question's fault that she had a dumb answer. Where did the question come from!?"
Anna appeared right beside Chrom. "Well, you see-"
"Gwah!" Chrom fell on the ground, as the trickster giggled. "Where did you come from!?"
"That doesn't matter," said Anna, steering away the conversation. "What does matter is my story. Okay, it was a dark and stormy night-"
"Seriously? How cliché."
"Fine," said Anna, waving his insult away. "It was a normal day in the barracks..."
FLASHBACK
"Hey, Tiki," said the red-head, slinging her arm over the manakete's shoulder. "I heard a little something from Robin." Tiki sighed, her gaze moving towards her hand. It was still sore from all the autograph signings.
"What exactly have you heard?" asked Tiki, slightly interested... out of concern. Anna was simply a big pile of avarice with an eccentric personality slapped into it. Having a C Support with a gal like that tended to make you cautious towards – for lack of a better term – greedy dastards.
"That you're a great cook!" said Anna, whipping out a kitchen knife and three onions. "I also heard that you're a wiz with the knife! Care to show me your prowess? I need a little help."
It was all true. Living old for centuries kinda made knowing how to cook a requirement, especially when she couldn't just turn into a dragon to hunt down food all the time, thanks to shortening Dragonstone supplies. "...If that is all that you require of me."
"Cha-ching!" The manakete glared at her. "A-Ah... I'm trying to make a profitable eatery stand, and knowing how to cook will help exponentially."
Shrugging her shoulders, the busty woman started chopping up the onions, tears inevitably falling thanks to the onion's acidic powers – tears which were swiftly caught by Anna. These babies sold for two-hundred fifty gold for every green drop, and if ever she needed a little stat boost, she could take one – just one – and all other stats would be boosted for the battle.
"Have you *sniff*taken note on *sniff* the proper cutting technique *sniff*, Anna?" said a teary eyed Tiki, eyeing the red-head out of suspicion.
"Yes ma'am!"
FLASHBACK
"So that was your real guise, Anna," said Tiki, appearing from behind the set. (Why? She was a candidate for being one of the lovely bachelorettes of the show, so that she wouldn't be lonely anymore. Too bad Tharja beat her.) She was thumbing a green orb with two silver bands surrounding it – a Dragonstone + - and was looking a little pissed. Anna noticed it, and started backing away... till her back touched a sheathed Falchion. The trickster followed the arm, her gaze leading to the face of a smirking Chrom.
"Your end has come!" Now, he wasn't one for revenge, but the game show was just plan torture, especially thanks to Anna's weird question. He deserved to get some fun out of this. Chrom pushed the red-head towards the busty manakete, as the latter latched her hand onto Anna's wrist, trapping her with her grip of steel. The poor girl was dragged backstage, at the mercy of the pissed off Tiki.
"Agh, ahhhhhhhhh! No, not there, anywhere but there! Please, Tiki! I-I'll give you a discount on vulneraries- gwah! Oh sweet mama! Why did you put that up my as-" Robin clapped her hands, sealing off all sound from the room. Chrom sweat-dropped, but didn't regret his decision to get Anna punished. Much. (Tiki could be a cruel mistress.)
"Wow, we went way off track there!" said Robin, steering back the audience's attention. "I hope you enjoyed it, though! Anyway, please ask your question, Krom. Lady B, for one point-"
"What's your favorite novel?" asked Chrom.
"'Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight-' oh gods!" She actually said it. Instead of saying as safe answer like "Ribald Tales of the Faith War" - which was actually Sumia's favorite story – she said something as... steamy and embarrassingly romantic as that book. "I-I meant-"
"And Cordelia gets the point!" cheered Robin, the rest of the audience following her glee. Two green check marks were above the smug mugs of Frederick and Lissa, the cloaked companion of theirs looking lonely with a red X above its head. "The judges like women experienced in the sack, and apparently, MHFFYiaF has a lot of kinky stuff in it. Krom, if Lady B wins, prepare to have a lot of... fun at night!"
"W-What!?" cried the two at the same time, both red-faced. Chrom, despite his noble stature, couldn't keep a dignified face on, and nosebled. He never knew that you could have a projectile nosebleed. On the other hand, Cordelia was a mess. She had gotten the PG13 version of the book (she had it ever since she had laid eyes on Chrom, which was at the ripe age of fifteen), so she had no idea on what "kinky" stuff was inside that R18 version. "O-Oh never mind... / Sigh..."
"Alright, that was a wild second round! Tharja now has a whopping six points, while Sumia and Cordelia are tied in the back with two each," said Robin. "Luckily for them, the points in the next and final round are worth three times the amount of points! Anyway, my name is Robin, this is 'Ylissean Bachelor', and we hope to see you after the final commercial break!"
Footnotes:
Krom: Romanized version of Chrom's Japanese name
Wrys's Staves: Reference to Shadow Dragon's first cleric, Wrys
Tiki's Tear: A temporary stat booster just as described by Anna
"Your end has come!": one of Chrom's Critical Hit lines
3.) I hope that you've all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed making it!
4.) Please support the story by favorite-ing, subscribing, and reviewing. If you do happen to review, feel free to drop a few questions (make sure they're crazy and off the wall). I really need some (I'm running out of ideas...)
Till we meet again...