Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I own no Transformers. Except some action figures. I might even have to steal some of my cousin's little toys.

I'm Bigger will probably not be used in the upcoming Transformers story. It's pure crack-fic.

Oh, God. Please, if you have any surviving sanity, turn back now. D: Also, never get into an argument with your friend over whether or not a toy's size has anything to do with its YOU KNOW size.
This... Thing... It has no point. At all. -sigh-

The two girls walked down the hallway, sipping sodas and chatting about an anime that had come on the other day. The hallway they were in was part of an abandoned school, a new one having been built elsewhere. It had been one of the only places they could go to be with their other friends: The Transformers.

That is, until the alien robots had learned how to change into humans. Now they only came back to the school for privacy. The toilets all still worked, and they had rigged the snack and drink machines so they wouldn't have to pay.

That was where Jessie and Marissa had been, but now the two friends were heading back to the gym, the group's favorite room. As they turned the corner and the gym doors came into view, Marissa slowed down, frowning.

"Hey, wait a sec...,"she said. "Do you hear that?"

Jessie stopped too and listened. What sounded like shouting could be heard coming from the gym. They looked at each other. "Oh, shit," Marissa sighed heavily. "Understatement," Jessie agreed. Then they broke into a run, dropping their drinks into a trashcan along the way. The shouting got louder as they neared the doors, until it was easy to tell that the voices were male.

Jessie and Marissa slammed through the double doors to see Barricade and Starscream in their human forms, yelling about something.

"Your idiot boyfriends are at it again," someone shouted. They looked to the left to see a girl and man sitting in the middle of the bleachers. Sarah had her arms crossed and her "I'm fucking annoyed" expression on her face. Every time one of the shouters' voices peaked, an eyebrow would twitch and her scowl would deepen. Optimus Prime sat on her right, waiting patiently.

"Well, what are they fighting about this time?" Jessie called up to her.

A different voice answered her, crying out, "They're arguing over who's better again! Please, make them stop!" Shannon was trying to hide a row behind Bumblebee, visibly cringing. Bumblebee himself looked like he was enjoying the shouting match. He kept cheering for one side then the other, until finally Shannon smacked him, telling him to make up his damn mind. After that he just booed and cheered.

Marissa stood with her hands on her hips and glared at Barricade and Starscream, while Jessie covered her eyes with one hand and shook her head. "We might as well let them run out of steam," she muttered. Marissa nodded but said, "I still don't get how they can be on the same 'effing side and argue so damn much!"

Jessie shrugged and went to sit on the bottom row of bleachers, settling down to listen and wait. After a moment Marissa did the same.

Out in the middle of the floor, the taller Barricade was glaring down at the cocky Starscream. Barricade was shouting:

"I'm more intelligent!"

"I'm more cunning!"

"I've got better weapons!"

"Lies," Starscream seethed. "Besides, I'm younger."

"I'm older!"

"Since when is that a good thing?!"

"It means I've got more experience," Barricade retaliated.

"Does not. And I'm taller."

"Not in this form you aren't!"

"I've got better connections--" Starscream began, but was cut off by a snort from Barricade.

"I stay loyal to those I care about," he said firmly.

Starscream's mouth dropped before he composed himself, thinking quickly. Suddenly he smirked at Barricade and hissed, "I'm bigger."

Now it was Barricade's turn to stare, astonished and open-mouthed, his face turning a stunning shade of red. He managed to shut his mouth and say through clenched teeth, "You wanna bet?"

Starscream's smirk grew as he said, "Yes, actually."

Barricade shoved him roughly, half-shouting. "Let's take this somewhere else, then!"

"Fine!" snapped Starscream. Then the two were racing for the boys' locker room, slamming the door shut behind them.

"...Well -- That was... Interesting," Jessie choked out. Sarah was trying not to die laughing at the unexpected turn of events, and Shannon's face was red. The girls below her heard Bumblebee reply to something she had whispered: "No, I don't think it would be worth it to try and get pictures. They shouldn't be in there that long."

Sure enough, after another few moments of silence, an infuriated yell cut through the air, along with a colourful string of curse words. Seconds later, a livid Barricade smashed through the locker room door, breaking it off its hinges. His red eyes searched the room until they landed on Jessie, who gulped nervously without knowing why. He stalked over to her, running a hand through his two-tone hair as he approached. Without breaking his stride, he grabbed her hand, wrenched her off the bleachers, and headed towards the exit. As she stumbled along behind him, he muttered angrily at her, "C'mon! You're gonna teach me to use this thing better than that punk kid. I don't care how big it is; if he sucks at doing it right--." The rest of his rant was cut off as the door slammed behind them, Jessie shooting a terrified look at her friends just before it closed.

Then there was a furious scramble from the top of the bleachers as Shannon fumbled for her camera and almost killed herself running down the stairs. She skid to slow herself when she reached the bottom and took off after Jessie and Barricade, hoping her camera was charged. Bumblebee smacked his forehead and slowly followed her.

Starscream emerged, looking extremely pleased with himself, as Bumblebee passed him. Bumblebee held up a hand in a sarcastic wave and grumbled, "Thanks a lot, man."

Starscream grinned and sauntered over to Marissa, sitting down beside her and placing an arm around her shoulders. He hummed a tune as they all just sat there, Sarah and Optimus in shock, Marissa staring dully at Starscream. Finally he noticed and said, "What?"

"If you had lost, you would have gone off and wrecked a city or something," Marissa said. "But when Barricade lost, he went off to show Jessie a good time. Now -- How is that fair?"

Starscream shrugged, then smiled charmingly at her. "At least you have the satisfaction of knowing you're with the bigger man."

Marissa smacked the back of his head. "Go get me a soda, you bastard."

Starscream stood up, taking Marissa with him. He bent down and kissed her cheek, then whispered in her ear, "Only if you come with me." He winked and led her in the opposite direction Barricade and Jessie had gone, Marissa allowing a small smile to brighten her face.

As soon as they were gone, Sarah turned to Optimus and said, "All of my friends are sex-obsessed freaks. What does that make me?"

Optimus looked at her lovingly then pulled her towards him in a hug. "Very self-controlled," he answered. Sarah just groaned in exasperation and collapsed against his chest.