I do not own LWD nor, obviously, Romeo and Juliet! ;)
A/N: I'm so sorry, but there is a mistake on the character list: Martina (Abraham) is of course a Montague servant, on the Venturis side! (I haven't yet figured out how to change something already posted….)
Derekus and Cassandraor the tragicomical LWD version of Romeo and Juliet
Act 1 – Scene 1
Set in the high school's cafeteria, in the morning. Teenagers are sitting in groups, the punks with the punks, the cheerleaders with the cheerleaders, the footballers with the footballers and of course the Venturis with the Venturis and the McDonaldius with the McDonaldius.
(Enter Lizzilia and James, each having ordered a plate of spaghetti with salad.)
Lizzilia:
Oh this morning could not pass fast enough
For in hell where mathematics must have been born
Our teacher delights to dwell.
James:
True are thy words dear friend.
But learn and suffer we must,
If not for life then at least to embarrass, defeat and ridicule
Our masters' enemies: the fool Venturis.
Lizzilia:
Better ways there are,
To achieve said goals.
Spit chewing gum, pull hair,
Are only some options there.
James:
Be prepared now and alert,
Here pass servants of our enemies!
Lizzilia:
I'm ready to quarrel with them,
Don't let them pass without an insult,
But make it seem their fault,
Detentions we do want not.
James:
I'll scoff at them passing by,
Thus encouraging them to start a fight.
Lizzilia:
Not strong enough is thy try,
I'll let them see a certain finger of mine.
(Enter Martina and Edwardo, each bearing a tray with two slices of pizza and some salad)
Martina:
Is your middle finger stretched out at us?
Lizzilia:
My middle finger is stretched out.
Martina:
But is thy finger pointed at us?
Lizzilia (to James):
Would I be the one to start the fight if yes be my answer?
James:
Yes.
Lizzilia (to Martina):
No, I do not stretch out my middle finger at you,
But stretch out my middle finger I do.
James:
Do you want to start a fight?
Martina:
No, I don't!
Lizzilia:
If you do I would bet on you, you're equally good as me.
Martina:
Oh you are better.
James (to Lizzilia):
Say you are, here come the reinforcements.
Lizzilia:
I believe your words to be true.
Martina:
Liar!
Lizzilia:
Let's start this party, James,
Food fight, now!
(They throw their salads at each other trying to dodge and aim at the same time, letting the whole thing look like a catastrophically performed dance show rather than a food fight between mortal enemies.)
(Enter Samus, with two Cheeseburgers on his plate)
Samus:
Stop this madness, thou know not what you do!
(He takes away their plates, or what is left of them.)
(Enter Sheldonius, with Lasagne on his plate)
Sheldonius:
What are you doing with these foolish youngsters?
Turn around Samus, and meet thy true enemy!
Samus:
My goal it is to keep this place clean,
My detention's task being to clean the cafeteria.
Thus help me to keep food on the plates and peace in the room,
Or leave not to come back soon.
Sheldonius:
What! Samus is to clean this mess?
Why, then let this fight go on,
I hate all Venturis, mathematics and so on!
(The Venturis and McDonaldius begin a big food fight, drawing more and more members of their clans into it. They are curiously distinguished by the sort of food they throw: the sophisticated McDonaldius throw Italian food while the practical Venturis throw fast food. As they go on, some of the other groups get involved too: the cheerleaders, the punks, the bikers, the footballers etc.)
(Enter Nora McDonaldius, originally coming to get her children and drive them home)
Nora McDonaldius:
What is this my eyes witness?
A good old food fight?
Bring me a saltimbocca, stat!
(Enter Georgius Venturi, a little late as usual, originally coming to get her children and drive them home)
Georgius Venturi:
Oh you insufferable foe of mine,
Prepare thyself to be buried in food!
Get me a pizza with olives, champignons and salami, stat!
(Enter Trevorius, newly elected school president)
Trevorius:
End this chaos!
McDonaldius' and Venturis, thrice have you now disturbed
This temple of wisdom's peace.
In your age, your children's first day here, and now.
Polluting the other children's mind
With stupid ideas of food fights.
Hear my words and be warned
Your next fight will be punished hard,
Those who participate shall be expelled
Not to come hither again ever in their lives.
Nora McDonaldius come with me now,
Georgius Venturi, meet with me later,
You shall both know my further intentions about this case.
Depart now with this warning,
Or you shall all be expelled!
(Everybody leaves, shooting glares at each other. Only Georgius Venturi and Samus remain.)
Georgius Venturi:
Tell who started this fight, friend!
Samus:
I saw your servants fighting here,
For ...uhmm…peace's sake I intended to part them,
But, alas, came Sheldonius to begin the fight anew,
Drawing into it all the other groups too.
Georgius Venturi:
So where is my son, if not in the middle of this fight?
Though glad I am for his carefully styled hair,
Samus:
Sir, before school even began I saw him walking,
Over the schoolyard again and again,
Deep in his thoughts,
Rather unusual for him.
Georgius Venturi:
Oh thou say a great truth,
But I saw him in melancholy too.
To speak with him gave no further information,
I'm worried for his reputation.
Samus:
Do not worry anymore,
Given the title of one of his best friends,
I'll draw out the truth out of his mind.
Now leave, because Derekus comes hither!
(Georgius Venturi leaves, Derekus enters sighing)
Samus:
Hey there, good morrow, friend!
Derekus:
Is it still that early?
Samus:
Did you forget to put on thy watch?
Derekus:
Disturbed is my mind,
A fight storms inside.
Samus:
In love?
Derekus:
Not…
Samus:
Not in love?
Derekus:
My heart burns for her,
Hers is cold as ice.
Samus:
Love, a sentiment as sweet as bitter.
Derekus:
Chinese food I crave, what will you eat?
But what happened here!
Don't answer, I can imagine it,
A fight as hard in here as in my heart,
Fool's madness, ancient feud!
Oh, love I did this quarrel
Until my heart was made a slave,
And my passion only serving for her.
Do you laugh at me?
Samus:
No, I rather cry.
Derekus:
Well then I'll leave to learn,
A little more of mathematics' hell.
Samus:
Wait for me!
Will you not tell me the fair woman's name?
Derekus:
She's a girl…
Samus:
I assumed so.
Derekus:
…fair and elegant…
Samus:
If noticed by you, how could she not be?
Derekus:
…but smart and earnest,
Not delighting in one of my sort.
She will not love me,
But study and wait,
For someone who is not alike me.
Samus:
Listen to a wise friend's words: forget her.
Derekus:
Will you give me a crash-course on how?
Samus:
Go fishing,
The waters are filled with fish,
Waiting to be caught,
By ones alike of us.
Derek:
My mind, heart and body belong to her,
My senses being thus numb to anyone else.
Farewell: Wise you are not,
I will not learn from you!
Samus:
This crash-course will work,
Or not longer shall I be named thy friend Samus!
(They leave the cafeteria to find something to eat that is not attached to the floor, walls, or ceiling.)
A/N: Wow, I'm exhausted now….I hope you like it, please review!!