"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."
--James 2:10.
Princess Ozma of Oz
The land our heroines and heroes found before them was one of vast beauty. Everything in it, from the trees to the birds to the Yellow Brick Road that stretched into the distance, seemed to exude more life than most people do. It was a relaxing beginning to their adventure; everyone had half expected to show up in hell, and only a quarter meant it metaphorically. Nonetheless, this beauty fooled no one into thinking their time would be too pleasant to sow anything but contempt for the gorgeous landscape before them.
Xander motioned towards said Yellow Road. "Well, at least we know where we are. And we know the Wicked Witch's weakness."
"And we have a pretty good idea of where to so," said Spike.
And they did go down that Yellow Brick Road. At first, they were cautious, as there was no telling when anything from a velociraptor to Cthulhu could jump them. But their imagination was their only foe for this journey.
After several hours the non-undead, non-otherworldly members of the group were beginning to tire. Fortunately, a cabin was growing visible in the distance. It was large and round, looking very much like a pumpkin, and with a stovepipe growing out the top of it.
"That's weird," said Willow.
"We know," said Xander.
"No, I mean this is Jack Pumpkinhead's house. But it should be in the Winkie Country. If the Yellow Brick Road is here, then this must be the Munchkin Country."
"Well, Baum never was known for consistency," said Spike.
"You've got to hand it to her," said Gunn. "The girl knows her Oz geography."
"And to think, I have trouble with American Geography," added Xander.
"Well, I read the books a lot as a kid," said Willow. "I always wanted to be magical, just like Ozma. Of course, I knew that would never happen. Until about five years ago. I still remember how, when I started dating someone named Oz, I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be together forever. Up until about four years ago, when another woman came between us. Well, technically two women."
"Oz sounds like a cad," said Gunn. "A damn lucky cad, but still a cad."
"He wasn't that bad," said Willow. "But I guess that, no matter how perfect things seem, there's always a darkness somewhere. Even with Oz."
With a creak, the pumpkin door opened up, and out stepped a tall, skinny man-like construct. It was difficult to tell what was more alarming between his loud clothing—which included purple pants and a pink vest—and his broad grin, which was placed on the front of a pumpkin.
"Why, it would seem I have visitors," said the man.
"You must be Jack Pumpkinhead," said Xander.
"And you must be Francis," was his response.
"Close. Xander." He then went on to introduce his acquaintances. After he pointed out that none of them were named Francis, and Angel clarified that he was not actually named "Ass Face" as Xander had claimed, Jack Pumpkinhead spoke again.
"I'm sorry for the confusion," he said, "but you were so good at guessing my name, though we have never met, that I didn't want to seem ignorant." Coming from any other man, this would have seemed sarcastic, but Jack honestly didn't seem to care how these strangers knew his name.
"I read about you," said Willow. "You see, I come from a different world, where your life is part of a book."
"Ah, of course," said Jack. "That would explain everything. But why have you come to Oz?"
"We have to find someone," said Buffy. "I don't know who… yet… but I will when we see him. Or her. Or it."
"Well, I must admit, I'm glad to hear that," responded Jack. "The last time strangers appeared here, they attacked the Winkie Country and forced me out of my home."
"You mean the Witch?" asked Xander.
"Alas, no," responded the Pumpkinhead. "I wasn't even alive when the witch was vanquished by Dorothy. I'm afraid the Winkie Country has been attacked again. They didn't succeed in taking the country over, of course, because Ozma turned their leader into a statue, and only agreed to turn her back if the army withdrew. But I can't help but worry that they'd return, and so I moved my house away from their borders."
"Tell me," said Angel. "How many people attacked Oz?"
"I didn't count," said Jack, "but there was a whole army. Much larger than our army of 27 officers."
"How many soldiers are under the officers?" asked Angel.
"None," said Jack. "We had a private, but he was promoted because officers are usually braver than privates."
"I see."
"But we still don't need to worry," said Jack happily. "Ozma won't let anything happen to anyone."
"Could you tell us where Ozma is?" asked Xander.
"In the Emerald City, of course," responded Jack. "If you need me to take you…"
"No thanks," interrupted Angel. "We know about the Yellow Brick Road."
"You can at least rest here for a while," said Jack. "You appear to be made of meat, so you must tire."
"We don't have time to rest," said Buffy. "Someone could be in danger."
"Don't be silly," said Jack. "No one can die in Oz."
"Maybe we should rest," said Xander to Buffy. "Mr. Peabody wouldn't have dropped us here just to let us die of exhaustion. Well, unless he knew for a fact that the First Evil would become corporeal and trip over our bodies."
Buffy thought about that. "I guess you're right." She then turned to Jack. "Do you have enough room in your house for all of us?"
"Of course," said Jack. "Glinda has given me a magic room that can hold an entire army. She said I might need it for any soldiers forced to march through this land."
Jack opened the door to his home, then led his friends through the innards of the pumpkin to a golden door that hung a few feet from the wall. It seemed like a gag, but when Jack opened it, the door revealed a hospitable room on the inside. It was the size of a gymnasium, with yellow-sheeted Decuple-Decker Beds resting everywhere. The beds were all especially beautiful; the posts seemed to be made of solid gold, and jewels were scattered about like sprinkles.
"I get the third from the top!" shouted Xander before running towards the nearest bed and climbing the ladder.
"You realize, of course," said Giles, cleaning his glasses, "that these things cannot possibly support their own weight?"
Xander stopped climbing.
"That would be true in any other land," said Jack, "but not in Oz. These beds have been magically reinforced, so they cannot possibly collapse."
Xander began climbing again.
"Why do you need so many beds?" asked Angel. "You said your army only has 27 people."
"That's true," said Jack. "And Oz is a peaceful place, so the army likely won't grow. Our enemies have many soldiers, however, and, as Ozma said, they need to rest as well."
Buffy stared back at Jack Pumpkinhead, trying to deduce from his carved visage whether he was joking. It was hard to tell from his eternal smile, but his tone sounded sincere.
Xander, who had been in the process of removing his shoes, dropped them to the floor and leapt straight to the ground before turning to look scan the other beds for enemy soldiers.
"Wait a minute," said Gunn. "Did you just say what I thought you said?" He turned to Buffy and Giles. "Did he just say what I thought he said?"
"I certainly hope not," said Giles.
Buffy passed by Gunn and looked Jack straight in his hollow eye. "Why would you give the enemy a place to sleep?"
"The enemy needs to sleep too," repeated Jack. "If we don't give them a house, they'll sleep outside. They wouldn't lose any of their numbers by doing so, so providing them with this very basic comfort won't affect the outcome of the war. We will save the poor souls from unnecessary suffering, and may even help diplomatic relations between our lands when the war ends."
"What you are saying is wrong," said Illyria. "A well-rested enemy is more dangerous than a tired enemy."
"But they aren't really our enemies," said Jack. "As Ozma said, our enemies are the rulers who start the war, not the soldiers who are forced to fight it. The people are only doing what they're told to. They do not deserve to suffer, and denying them a bed won't help our side bring about justice."
"This is very bad military practice," said Giles. "You're keeping your enemy's morale up, and that's going to affect the outcome of the war. And as for the only following orders idea, I'll only say that when the Nazi regime gains power in a few decades, you'll be singing a significantly different tune."
"You'll have to speak with Ozma about this," said Jack. "I am merely a humble pumpkin farmer. Even if I had the brains to decide such things, I'd lack the authority."
"Okay, then," said Angel. "We'll speak to Ozma tomorrow morning. But, I'll say right now that I agree with Giles. Your enemies aren't going to hold back just because you're nice to them."
*
"Come on, can't we hold back a little?"
"No." Azula didn't even bother looking up from her parchment when she spoke. "No one has ever won a war by holding back."
Ty Lee sat on the ground and crossed her legs behind her head. "But they were so nice to us. Ozma didn't even sound mad when she told us to get out of the kingdom and never look back if we ever want to see you move again."
"That doesn't mean I have to return the favor," said Azula. "Between the Magic Belt and the people's immortality, there is no way to take Oz by force. The only way to fight Ozma is psychologically, and that will require us to be as ruthless as possible."
"But you are already so ruthless," said Ty Lee. "Don't you think that, maybe, 70% will be enough?"
Azula threw her hairbrush hard into Ty Lee's skull. This was the extent of her response, then she went back to writing her speech.
"I don't think that getting Ozma angry is going to help," said Mai, emotionlessly. "Unless you liked being a statue."
"I'm not going to become a statue again," said Azula. "Grandfather's spirit contacted me again last night and told me that Ozma's Magic Belt will lose its power if it leaves Oz."
"But then you won't be able to use it, either," said Ty Lee. "And I thought that was the whole reason Fire Lord Azulon sent us here. He wouldn't have came back from the dead if he didn't want us to gain something."
"I'm not planning to destroy the Magic Belt," said Azula. "But if we can make Ozma leave Oz, she'll have to leave the belt behind."
"And then she'll be completely helpless!" said Ty Lee. "And we won't have to hurt anyone!"
"Of course not," added Azula, smiling for the first time in weeks. "We'll hurt them because we want to." Then she returned to writing her speech.
*
The Emerald City looked much the same as it had in the film—massive and bright green. Fortunately, the famous gatekeeper from the film hadn't appeared at the door to interfere, so Buffy and her friends were led directly into Ozma's throne room. Ozma herself was a teenager—no more than sixteen—but her face showed maturity most adults don't have. On either side of her was a great beast—a lion on the left and a tiger on the right—yet both creatures seemed as tame as a Buckingham Palace guard. Even so, there was something about the way she sat easily against her throne, black hair tucked neatly behind her back, that made one wonder if she cared—or even knew—that there was a war going on.
As soon as she entered the room, Buffy felt a strange urging inside her. It was unusual and seemingly baseless, yet it was overwhelming, and she knew exactly who the first Bearer was.
"Excuse me," said Giles brashly, "but I'd like to talk to you about your politics."
"I understand," said Ozma. "You're not from Oz, so you're having trouble adjusting to my rule. Rest assured, you'll be used to everything before long."
"Will I?" asked Giles. "Well, I think I should tell you that much smarter people than you have failed to impress me."
"You seem to claim great knowledge of someone you don't even know," commented the girl ruler. "Care to elaborate on your concerns?"
"My concern," said Giles, "is that you are in a war that you obviously have no idea how to fight, and you refuse to appoint someone that knows what they're doing."
"That is a reasonable concern," said Ozma, "but it seems to have been made based on a hypothesis rather than a fact. Do you see any evidence that the Fire Nation has caused any serious damage?"
"People could get hurt—" said Giles.
"No," said Ozma. "Not in Oz—inside these borders, neither pain nor death exist. I suspect that is why Azula has chosen to invade our country. Besides, she won't dare attack us again because I have threatened to turn her to stone if she does."
"And why do I suspect that you have no intention of keeping that promise?"
"In fact, I have every intention of keeping it. If she attacks us, knowing as she does the consequences, I see no reason to save her. It will have been her choice—not mine."
"Yes, well," said Giles, but he couldn't finish. As much as he wanted to disagree with Ozma, he found that he had ran out of points to disagree with. Whether this girl was or was not an incompetent general was irrelevant. It seemed she could afford to pamper her enemies. "Well, you don't seem to need us, but perhaps you can be of some assistance. You see, we are looking for—"
"No, it's okay," said Buffy. "I found who we're looking for."
"You have?" said Giles. "Oh, good. Then we just need to… umm, I'm sorry, Ms… Ozma, but we could use…"
"You would like a room to discuss things in," said Ozma. "Of course. Dorothy? Would you please show them to the guest room?"
At which point someone that was far too young to be Judy Garland entered the room. "Dorothy" led the gang out of the throne room, through the corridors, and to a magnificently decorated emerald living room, filled with the sorts of anachronistic furniture that could have only been added for them.
"I hope this room is to your liking," Dorothy said.
"Well, it's better than my apartment, that's for sure," said Xander, looking over the DVD player and widescreen TV.
"This is as nice as that hell dimension Wolfram and Hart stuck me in, but without the phonies or the disembowelment" said Gunn. "And although it doesn't sound like it, that was a complement."
"I'm glad to hear that," said Dorothy. "I'll leave you alone now." And to top everything off, the polite young girl curtsied before departing.
"I wish Dawn was that well-behaved," said Buffy.
"And I you were," said Giles. "But right now, making Ozma give up her throne and sacrifice her perfect life to our cause takes priority over comparative teenager—"
"But Ozma isn't the Bearer," said Buffy.
"She isn't?" asked Gunn. "Then who is?"
"The lion," said Buffy.
"The lion!" exclaimed Gunn. "As in the Cowardly one?"
"That lion was a lot bigger than the one in the movie," said Xander. "And less bipedal."
"That was the Cowardly Lion, all right," said Willow. "In the books he's a lot bigger, and he isn't anthropomorphic, but it's him."
"Terrific," said Giles. "So now we need to convince the Cowardly Lion to become a martyr."
Spike seemed to take great offence to this last comment, as he turned to Giles, wearing the scowling face of a disapproving headmaster. "And tell me, Rupert," he said, "have you ever even read the book or seen the movie?"
"Well, of course I've seen the movie," said Giles. "Though my literary tastes tend to be more in line with Beowulf than Baum."
"Well, if you've seen the movie, you should know that the whole bloody point of the Cowardly Lion's character was that he I wasn't a coward because he did things that scared him."
"I understand that," responded Giles. "But he thinks he's a coward, so he won't agree to let himself die if it isn't urgent."
"And you don't think the destruction of the whole blooming multiverse is urgent?"
"Urgency and importance are not the same thing. If he procrastinates here, the First Evil could do god-knows-what to bypass Oz's immortality. For all we know, his new partners are more powerful than Ozma and her belt."
"Don't worry," said Buffy. "He'll come with us. By the end of the day, he'll be back at Silverlock Castle, awaiting his faux execution."
"And how do you propose we do that?" asked Giles.
"However we have to," said Buffy.
*
The door flew open. Angel stepped in, followed closely behind by Buffy and Spike, then by everyone else. The group marched straight to the Cowardly Lion and formed a semi-circle around him. The Hungry Tiger stood straight and began to growl, but Ozma raised her hand to silence him.
"There is no need for violence yet," she said. "If they wished to hurt us, they would have tried before now."
"We need your help," said Angel.
"I would be glad to help however I can," said the Cowardly Lion. "But I don't know what a cowardly creature like me could do."
"Well… you'll have to… well," Angel, eyeing the Hungry Tiger nervously, took a few awkward seconds trying to find a euphemism for suicide, but none had the right amount of 'eu' to them. "Have you ever head of a guy named Jesus?"
The Lion shook his head.
"I don't allow religion in Oz," said Ozma. "Religion in other parts of the world has always led to intolerance and persecution, which is why anyone caught practicing religion in Oz is to be executed."
"Well, Jesus was a man who died so that humanity could be saved. He was considered a martyr."
"That sounds like a very sad story," said the Lion. "I am glad that I shall never be asked to die, for that is what I fear most of all. But what favor is it you want to ask of me?"
"Well… you see…" said Buffy. Then she started from the beginning…
*
Spike shook the bars of the prison cell before turning to the other inmates. "That worked."
"This is the second time an Oz betrayed me," said Willow. "Who would have thought a Mary Sue like Ozma would lead to the destruction of… well, everything."
"At least things couldn't get worse," said Xander.
Buffy and Willow both glared at Xander.
"Xander, we've been over this," said Willow.
"What?" he said. "Do you really think things will somehow get worse just because I said, 'Things couldn't get worse?'"
*
"The Fire Nation has sent three ambassadors to meet with you, your highness," said a royal soldier of Oz.
"Send them in."
The door slid open, and in walked three women, each barely any older than Ozma herself. The leader was a serious-looking girl with short, black hair, and a bun held tightly in its round shape by a crown. She was followed by a depressed-looking girl with a pointy chin and a ponytail-wearing brunette in dim pink.
"Greeting, Lady Ozma," said the leader. "I am Azula of the Fire Nation. I have come to propose a truce."
"I would be happy to accept your offer," said Ozma.
*
-
*
Azula, the Fire Nation, and all other Avatar: The Last Airbender characters and concepts were created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, and are owned by Nickelodeon Studios.