A/N: I really don't know how this one came to be. Honest! I was just listening to my Tenacious D CD and was discussing with my brother and sister how Jack Black curses like a sailor in some of his movies and, in particular, in his band Tenacious D, but can still convincingly play kid-friendly, though not necessarily squeaky clean roles. This one just kinda wrote itself!
Crriicckk.
Crrrrickcriiick.
The sound of chirping crickets filled the otherwise desolate landscape of the famous Jade Palace. It was a sliver of time, between night and day, but not quite dawn yet.
Tigress watched valiantly from her perch on the green shingled roof, her feline eyes roaming the darkness. She had eaten a light dinner and slept early, all so she could be ready for tonight. Her honed senses had been exceptionally prepared, she was ready for anything.
"What are you doing here?"
Except that. Tigress managed to suppress the small shriek that had formed in her throat, and quickly whirled around to face the inquiring eyes of the only other female in the premises.
"Viper! Er…good evening." She smiled as innocently as she could, and would have whistled innocently as well, if she didn't fear her cover being blown.
"Yeah, nice night. WHAT are you doing here?" Viper said, raising an eyebrow as she slithered closer to her friend.
"Sshhhh! He might hear you…." Tigress said, gesturing to keep quiet and immediately turning back to her surveillance, tail twitching side to side.
"Who might hear me?" Viper took her place beside Tigress, surveying the zigzag trail that lead to the front gates of the Jade Palace.
"Po." The feline said, coldness seeping into her voice.
"Po? You're kidding right?! It's the middle of the night! What would he be doing here at this hour?" The serpent said incredulously, her voice raising in pitch, along with her disbelief and frustration. Her own observation about the ungodly hour reminded her that she should be sleeping right now.
Damn cat wasn't as stealthy as she thought she was; well, actually that wasn't true. She really was quite stealthy. She just happened to land right on the roof of Viper's room.
"He's up to something. I know it." Tigress whispered, her eyes never leaving the area. Behind her, Viper groaned, knowing what this was all about.
It had been a few months after defeating Tai Lung when Master Shifu had decided that Po would be learning the Scrolls of Kung Fu. It had gone generally well, with the affable panda learning quickly, helped by his still enormous appetite and zeal.
The Five, still feeling the sting of guilt for basically 'hazing' the guy, offered their help in mastering the scrolls. Po was more than glad to be tutored by his heroes and giddily absorbed their advice like a giant sponge.
Crane would help in the scrolls which dealt with Ba Gua and T'ai Chi, his attitude and fighting style being more suited to such. Mantis offered his help on Qi Gong, having relied on it to become a fearsome fighter despite his size. Some still cringed at the memory of finding Mantis teaching Po to bend spears with his neck. Needless to say, Shifu was not happy.
For the scrolls on grappling and ground fighting, Viper was the one that Po came to for advice. Despite some initial difficulties with flexibility, Po had learned to be quite an effective grappler, using his girth and weight to trap opponents. Despite being sat upon during one or two of their sparring sessions, Viper couldn't have been prouder.
Monkey's expertise was called upon in teaching the panda the art of weaponry. A warrior must respect the weapon and treat it as an extension of his own body to become an effective fighter. Of course, both the simian and the bear had a tendency to procrastinate, so Shifu was forever reminding them to complete their tasks for the day.
Tigress and Shifu taught Po in Sanda fighting, survival techniques and the philosophy of kung fu. It was these three that were used most often during battles. Sanda was a relatively stripped down style which relied more on instinct than intellect. To use the style effectively, one's body must become a machine, an engine of destruction.
The warrior must not be tense but ready. Not thinking yet not dreaming, ready for whatever may come. A martial artist has to take responsibility for himself and face the consequences of his own doing. And when the time comes, it is instinct that takes over; when an enemy expands, the warrior contracts. Should the enemy contract, the warrior expands. And when the moment comes, the warrior does not hit. "It" hits all by itself.
Po had taken it to heart and wept openly, despite repeated orders by Shifu not to cry. Maybe the bear just had a soft spot for heartfelt speeches.
For survival training, Shifu would take Po on regular nature hikes. "Nature hikes" being defined as 'leaving Po overnight in the forest with nothing but a knife'. After leaving him the first night, Shifu had been surprised to find Po the next day gorging on crab dumplings and bochi. He was furious to find out that the panda had encountered some merchants traveling and traded in his knife for the food.
And so it went, with Po learning at such a quick rate that he had mastered nearly fifty of the scrolls over a period of two months. He would come to each of the Five for advice on how to learn a particular technique. Po would at first ask for an opinion from whomever he would happen to find at the time, but as time went on, he decided it would be better to ask one particular Master for any one particular scroll. This decision came after he had asked both Mantis and Monkey, who happened to be training at the same time, about the intricacies of the One-inch Punch.
Both masters had understandably varied opinions. The simian was not impressed with the technique and felt that it was impossible to apply in a real situation. He preferred a series of lightning quick strikes, performed en masse until the enemy falls. Mantis, on the other hand, disagreed vehemently and claimed that the technique was an indispensable tool for any warrior to have. The two argued, long after Po had left and decided to ask Crane instead. The denizens of the Palace were quite surprised to find that the following day, several logs had been reduced to splinters. Monkey had curiously bandaged both hands and Mantis worked on his kicks all day, avoiding using his forelegs.
Without a doubt, it was Tigress who was the most demanding tutor. She was a slave driver whose idea of a warm-up was ten laps around the Valley of Peace and one hundred push-ups. Despite this, Po was most fond of her teaching style. Certainly not because it was easy; he would come back from a session with her, bloodied ,sweaty and exhausted. No, it was because out of all the Masters, it was Tigress who was most steadfast in her belief that he could master any technique.
"You are the Dragon Warrior. You alone have opened the Dragon Scroll and know the secret to limitless power. Now, what did you see in that Scroll?", she would ask him sternly before helping him up. She would always leave it unanswered but Po would answer her question by doing twice as many push-ups and thrice as many sit-ups. It was Master Tigress' faith in him that restored his faith in himself.
The routine continued up until a month ago when Po had began learning a new scroll. He was incredibly secretive about it, refusing to let anyone help him. Shifu himself decided to stay out of it after taking one look at the scroll. He did however grant the panda permission to practice its contents. Despite this, nobody ever actually saw Po training. He would practice and spar with the Five but he did nothing out of the ordinary. He would however, wake up the next day, lethargic and sluggish, a sure sign of late night excursions.
The Five had all tried to offer their help, but Po would stutter out an excuse, hide the scroll and lock himself in his room until dinner. He would come out, pretending nothing had happened, which of course only furthered their suspicions.
Viper glared at her feline friend. She was sure this cat was going to be killed by her curiosity.
"Can't you just let it go? I mean if Po's becoming more independent shouldn't we encourage him?" she said, praying that Tigress would agree.
"Not a chance. We've been training him for months now and he suddenly decides to stop? No warning, no 'hey, thanks for your help, I can handle it from now on' ?" Tigress said, her paws turned upwards for emphasis.
Viper flicked her tongue, and seemed to think about that for a while. She gave a grin.
"You're lyiiiing…."
"I am NOT! I-I mean…um…what makes you say that?" Tigress stammered, straightening her back in a show of integrity and truthfulness. She prayed for Viper to let it go.
"Puh-lease! You always get that tiny little bit of saliva on the side of your mouth when you're curious about something." Viper said, still with a grin.
Unable to stop herself, the female tiger immediately went to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. Feeling not even the slightest bit of moisture, she glared at her companion who was fighting not to burst out laughing.
Tigress let out a quiet growl, knowing she'd been had. Viper stopped snickering after a couple of minutes.
"Hehehehe……calm down, no harm done! Now, what say we go back--hey, that's Po!"
Both females immediately stopped talking and saw the panda quietly tip toe his way to the trail, clutching what looked like a short tube.
"That's it! That's the scroll he doesn't want to show us!" Tigress said, her eyes glinting in against the cobalt backdrop of the sky. Viper cursed herself for re-igniting that cat's determination.
"Wonder what's so special about it?" Viper asked, squinting in the darkness.
From what they could see, Po was reading from the scroll, tracing one finger over the text.
"Ok, let's see here….", said the panda, his voice resonating over the mountainous area.
Tigress and Viper waited with baited breath as they witnessed the scene in front of them.
Po had lowered himself to the ground and was now lying on his belly.
"What…is he DOING? He came all the way down here so he could sleep on dirt?" Tigress hissed. This was what the big fuss was about?
"Guess so. Oh well, since Po's sleeping we should also--"
"No, he's awake! Look at his face!"
Viper squinted again and found, to her surprise, that Po was staring straight ahead, a look of intense concentration on his round face.
Both females watched as Po, on his belly, laid on the ground for what seemed like an hour. After the crickets themselves had stopped chirping, Tigress had had enough.
"That is IT! I'm getting to the bottom of this right now!"
Before Viper could stop her, she leapt from the rooftop and landed in front of the panda who screamed. Before he could alert the entire Palace, Viper landed swiftly on his snout and coiled herself around it, muffling the noise.
"MPPPRGHHH! "
Viper looked at the panda's bright green eyes, surprised at the utter horror she found in them.
"Po, it's okay!" she whispered soothingly at the bear, who oddly enough remained lying on his belly. He calmed down somewhat and stopped his muffled screaming. The snake slowly uncoiled herself and released Po's snout. He let out a gasp and coughed. He gave a nervous smile.
"O-oh Master Tigress it's you! I-I mean….of course it's you! Er, nice night for a stroll right? What're you and Master Viper doing here?" said Po, beads of sweat forming around his brow. His face had blanched and pure terror was etched into his features.
"Like you said, just out for a stroll. What about you?" Tigress said, her voice eerily calm and nonchalant. She sat down in a Lotus position in front of Po who paled.
"Oh…y-you k-know…." the panda was stuttering horribly now.
"No, I don't know. What are you up to Po?" said Tigress, looking for any indication where Po must have hidden the scroll.
"Me? What am I…..n-nothing! Nothing's UP!" said Po, who looked even more horrified after he had said those words.
Tigress frowned and continued to search for the scroll. She grinned triumphantly as she pulled an ornately designed canister from beneath the panda's huge neck.
"No!" Po yelled.
Tigress felt a rush of excitement until she caught herself. She had been about to unseal the scroll and read its contents.
This….this was wrong. She had no right to invade Po's privacy like this. She had acted like a spoiled child. The shame that coursed through her body made her feel sick and she gently laid down the scroll in front of the panda's prone form.
"Master Panda," , she said, using the formal term she had first bestowed upon him after his triumphant victory, "I'm—I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me!" She bowed low to the ground, her face still burning with embarrassment and anger at herself.
Viper bowed as well, feeling like an accomplice.
Po was silent for a short while, seemingly debating whether to forgive them or not. He gave a short laugh as he finally lifted himself of the ground, dusting his fur.
"Nah don't sweat it guys. It's all cool. It's just…well...erm..." he began fidgeting and twiddling his fingers as held the scroll. Tigress and Viper took this as a sign to finally look at their friend in the eyes. He was still looking very uncomfortable.
The panda took a deep breath and unrolled the scroll.
"Okay you guys….I'm…gonna show you the scroll. But…you gotta promise not to hurt me or hit me or scream or anything like that….okay?" he said quickly unrolling the scroll and laying it out for the two female masters to see.
Despite some hesitation, Tigress eyes roamed over the paper. After a moment of reading she stared incredulously up at the still fidgeting panda.
"Push-ups." She stated, her voice neutral. The panda gave a single, hesitant nod.
"That's it?! All this fuss, all this secrecy….for pushups?!" Tigress was confused and very, very, irritated. She had been reduced to stalking and almost invaded Po's privacy over a scroll that taught push-ups! She let a small snarl escape her throat which immediately put Po on high alert as he prepared to run. Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat.
"It's okay Po." She said finally, feeling like an idiot. Seriously, push-ups? If Po wanted to waste his time on this instead of actual battle techniques, it was his business.
"Wow…really? You're okay with this? You don't think I'm a….pervert or anything?" He said, still very red in the face.
"Yes, really. Why would I think you're a pervert? I mean, pushups are no big deal. Learning how to do pushups with your tail might not be too useful in your case though."
"Tigress…." Viper, who had not spoken since reading the contents of the scroll, gently prodded her friend's shoulder. Tigress continued to talk to Po.
"Monkey learned how to do pushups with his tail too, Po."
"Tigress…"
"I'm not as good as Monkey, but I know a thing or two about tail pushups. Why didn't you ask for help?" Tigress continued, not noticing Viper's growing paler and paler as she talked.
"TIGRESS!" the serpent finally yelled.
"What IS it, Viper?" Tigress said, a tad irritated. Jeez, Viper usually didn't butt in to conversa--
"The scroll….that's NOT his tail.", said Viper, who was feeling as though her face might explode from the blood that had rushed to it. Shaking, she pointed a particular illustration.
"Not his tail?" said Tigress as she took the scroll from the ground and read the heading:
MASTER HOI CHUEN'S PUSH-UPS OF VIRILITY AND POWER
Tigress' mind went over the information.
Pushups.
Virility and Power.
Master Hoi Chuen, one of the greatest practitioners of kung fu in recorded history. The old raccoon was famous for his ferocity in battle and infamous for his lust for young and nubile women that made him known as the Perverted Sage.
NOT his tail.
Po, with speed no creature of size should possess, fled to town, broke into his own home and hid under his bed to escape the wrath of one very angry and very embarrassed Master Tigress.
Neither female talked on their way back to their dorms. Viper quietly bid goodnight as she slithered back to her quarters.
Tigress' mind, still turning incessantly was now going through the information in the scroll.
Not his tail. NOT his tail. NOT HIS TAIL!
Oh gods! She covered her flaming face with her paws, as she tried to forget one particularly graphic illustration depicting how to pull a rickshaw, filled with women, of course, with….with….
….NOT your tail.
"Stupid scroll….stupid panda…." She muttered, banging her head against a wall.
Another disturbing thought entered her mind; Tai Lung had mastered all one thousand scrolls, hadn't he?
HADN"T HE?!
She resumed banging her head against the wall.
"Stupid Tigress….stupid, stupid, STUPID Tigress….."
END
A/N: Yep, I've got a dirty mind, but you can blame Jack Black for that. For those of you don't get it, I got this idea off Tenacious D's first album. It's a skit on the CD, I believe it's the twelfth track on there. I hurt myself laughing when I first heard it :D