Rose spends some time with her mum and reveals some of her fears and frustrations.

WARNING: this chapter contains strong language and colourful descriptions of life with a newborn baby and postpartum body issues!

Chapter 2

"I dunno, Mum," Rose lamented. "I jus' thought it would be easier, yeah. "

"Give yourself time, sweetheart," Jackie Tyler set a mug of tea down in front of Rose. "You've barely got through the first week. It takes time for you and 'er to adjust. 'Sides, you're lucky, you have 'imself. Goodness knows 'ow I managed with you! Your father was gone all day and most nights trying to sell those crazy concoctions to whoever would buy 'em. Was all alone, I was, most of the time you was newborn. An' then he died… But I managed. An' you will too."

"Yeah, the Doctor, 'e's great. 'E gets up at night to change 'er, and bring 'er to me for a feedin'. Never complains. 'E's up 'alf the night anyway. You know how 'e is. But durin' the day, it's jus' me an' 'er, yeah. And, yeah, I know. I know. I wanted to do it on my own, I asked for this… but that's when everything goes pear-shaped…" Her hands covered her face, a hopeless attempt to conceal the sob that burst from her lungs.

"Sweetheart…" Jackie sat down beside her daughter, draping an arm across her shoulder.

"I'm so useless, Mum!" Rose rested her head against Jackie's shoulder.

"Now you listen to me, Rose! You're not useless. You're knackered and your body and mind are tryin' to adjust."

"How come everyone makes it sound like it's going to be rainbows and butterflies? It's not! It's shit and blood and other bodily fluids everywhere! If it's not 'ers it's mine!" She winced at Jackie's shocked expression. "Sorry…"

"Nah, don't worry, love. You need to let it out. Let it go, Rose."

"They say that 'avin' that little person in your arms makes up for everything. And I love her to bits… I do! And I would do anythin' for her, but… I jus'… I don't feel like me anymore. I don't even look like me. And I feel so… used. My body is just this blobby, fat, milk machine that's 'xpected to run 24/7 and never break down. An' the house is a complete disaster. An' I can't think straight: I don't know whether I'm comin' or goin'. And the Doctor…"

"What about him? If 'e's…"

Rose gasped through the torrent of tears. "I… I… I… love him…"

"Well, of course you do, y' plum."

"B…bu…but when he tries to touch me…"

"'S alright, sweetheart."

She shook her head violently, "No, no it's not!"

"Anyway, it's still too early for that sort of thing, yeah. 'E should know that! Is 'e tryin' to get you to…?"

"NO! No… God! No, of course not! I mean… I… I know it's too early, and 'e does too! I don't mean that exactly. Just kisses, and hugs, yeah? Bein' sweet to me."

"Well, that's nice, ain't it? 'E loves you so much. You're 'is world, you are."

"I know, but I… I… feel so… I don't want 'im to… but I love him!" she wailed. "But by the time 'e's 'ome… I've been touched all day, almost non-stop… intimately! An' I know 'e jus' wants to show me that 'e loves me, but I jus' feel so… so invaded. An' I get angry and push 'im away. All I want 'im to do is take Hope so I can have some peace; some personal space."

"You need to tell 'im."

"'Ow can I tell 'im that? It would break 'im." She swiped at her nose with the back of her hand.

"Here you…! Tissue!" Jackie commanded shoving the box in Rose's face.

Rose took several of the offered tissues, and worried them in her hand, pulling and twisting them until shreds fell off, littering the sofa and plush carpet.

"Oi! Look at the mess you're makin'! Honestly!"

"Sorry… I jus' don't know w'at to do. W'at do I say to 'im, Mum?"

"Jus' w'at you said to me sweetheart. ('Ere, give me that tissue!) 'E'll understand, I reckon. Better than you think 'e will."

"Yeah?"

Jackie's response was interrupted by fussy little noises coming from the car seat on the floor by Rose's feet. "Ah, there you go, Rose, she jus' wants to see her ol' Gran. Don't you, Princess Hopie?" With the ease of experience, she soon had Hope released from the carrier and secured in her arms. She cooed at the baby with reassuring tones. "I'll get 'er changed and you can feed 'er, yeah?"

"Thanks, Mum! Thanks for havin' me over this afternoon. Thanks for everything."

"I know you think you need to do everything on your own. You always were stubborn and head-strong. But you know how welcome you are 'ere. This is your home too, anytime you need it. 'Sides, Uncle Tony will be head-over-heels to find out his niece is visitin', not to mention his big sister! 'E'll be in from school any minute now."