Elena paced the living room of the boarding house, ignoring the crackling fire. She'd stop every minute or so, hoping to hear something. Anything. Any small sound to break the looming silence and prove she wasn't alone in the huge house. But deafening silence was all that met her ears.
She turned back to look at the roaring flames, gritting her teeth. If anything went wrong tonight… No, she couldn't think like that. She wouldn't think like that. Damn Damon for always being the hero. Why did he have to be the one to stake Klaus? That's why they had woken Mikael up. Okay, they had woken Papa Original, as Damon sarcastically called him, to get the weapon to kill Klaus but still… If he was up and walking around, they might as well use him.
She had a really bad feeling about this and if anything happened to Damon, she'd kill him. If he let himself get hurt, she was going to smack the stupid smirk off his face, kiss the ever-living daylights out of him and then kill him. Sounded good, Elena nodded to herself confidently. Definitely a plan.
Some might wonder at her obsession over Damon but the fact was that since her eighteenth birthday, a few weeks ago, she had come to some rather interesting conclusions. As if turning eighteen flipped a special switch inside her that would no longer allow her to deny what was right in front of her face, she had come to some realizations.
The first one was that Damon had absolutely no sense of self-preservation when it came to her. Seriously, none at all! That was one thing they were going to have to discuss. The second was that she loved Stefan. Third that she was in love with Damon and last but certainly in no way least, she was going crazy. Not just slightly upset because of everything that was going on in her life with Klaus but honest-to-God insane!
But, backing up a bit to the more interesting parts. She had finally figured out what her heart had been trying to tell her for a while but she had been wallowing in too much guilt to see the signs. She loved Stefan but she wasn't in love with him. She didn't think she had ever really been in love with him, if she were completely honest with herself. And that's where the guilt came from. She felt completely rotten that she had taken advantage of him so many times to protect her and then his giving himself up for Damon, to save his life. It made her feel even worse because at the time, in her desperation and panic, if he had asked her what to do, she would have told him to get his ass moving and bring the cure. They could deal with Klaus later.
She chuckled quietly, though the sound held little humor. It didn't even have anything to do with learning of his Ripper past or having him try and rip out her throat. Not even the fact that he was acting like a first rate dick – though, to be honest, he was kind of growing on her. The reason she knew she didn't love Stefan, at least not how he wanted, was because she had come to the mind-blowing, heart-wrenching conclusion that she was in love with Damon.
And it wasn't a gradual conclusion, like noting little signs here and there, then putting it all together and figuring it out, a bit like a light bulb coming on. No, this had been like being in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon and having an anvil dropped on her head. Or being hit in the face with a huge-ass frying pan.
She remembered exactly when it had happened. It had been that afternoon when she had begged Damon to help her lock Stefan up, the afternoon of "the Touch" as she now referred to it. When he had grabbed her palm and placed it over his chest, her fingers had itched to go exploring. When he had pulled her flush against him, his fingers touching her, she had almost screamed in frustration that he didn't go exploring. She'd felt the need to soften against him, to find shelter in his arms, to feel more of that electricity that arced between them every time they touched. And then he was turning her around, much to her annoyance at the loss of contact, telling her some crap or other about protecting her while her mind was firmly lodged in the gutter and her eyes were glued to his. After a very difficult journey past his lips of course. Gods, didn't the man realize what amazing lips he had?
And after she had successfully managed to get past his lips and locked eyes with his, it hit her with the force of an eighteen wheeler. She loved the idiot. She really, really was in love with Damon Salvatore. Partially listening to his speech about no one hurting her, not even his brother and so on and so forth – just in case he ever decided to test her whether she had been listening or not – she studied his features and realized that she would be sick, physically sick if anything happened to him.
If he had gone to Klaus instead of Stefan, she was ashamed to say that she wouldn't have slept until she found him. And she would have found a way to get him away from the hybrid, even if it meant ripping Klaus' spine out, vervaining Damon and then tying him to a bed and having her way with him until he saw the light and came back to her.
That was the moment she realized that she would do anything for the dolt because she loved him. That was when she realized why she got so pissed off whenever he excluded her out of their plans to keep her alive, which usually involved him standing front and center, in danger. And that was when she realized that many of the occasions she had tried to misguidedly sacrifice herself – not some of her better moments, she had to admit – she had done it because it was the only way she could keep him safe, not just her friends and family.
She had to chuckle thinking of Damon referring to her love with Stefan as epic. Yeah, it was epic alright. Epically misguided. Stefan had first used her as a replacement for Katherine and then as an anchor to remind himself he needed to stay on the "good path", while she had used him to learn how to live again, albeit slowly. It was easier with Stefan because he never made her question her decisions or her feelings. He let her hide behind him, hide from life, from herself, from what she truly wanted. And then he had left and she started to discover she didn't need to hide behind him, she didn't need to hide from life and Damon made damn sure she couldn't hide from herself or what she felt, even if he didn't realize it.
Despite her realization, she hadn't made a move yet. She was certain Damon wanted her – maybe. She remembered the moment he had told her he wanted her to remember how she felt when his brother got back. It still gave her goose bumps. But at the same time, they were dealing with a much bigger issue. Getting his brother back. Stefan may have been her boyfriend but he was Damon's brother and it would be beyond callous for her to suddenly switch allegiances, especially after what they had both been through for her. She also didn't want Damon coming up with the stupid idea that she was on the rebound and was just turning to him for comfort. Surprisingly, she knew how he thought, probably better than he did at times.
The night of the bonfire came to mind and she remembered Stefan accusing her of being jealous that Damon was 'getting his flirt on.' She had denied it, of course, but in actual fact she had been so royally annoyed that if she'd had a dagger handy, she would have marched right up to the blond bimbo and stabbed her faster than she could say boo, no matter who was watching. She had wanted to talk to Stefan right then and there about her feelings for Damon. It would have been so easy to do it. Stefan had no emotions so he'd probably just have shrugged it off without a care. But she couldn't help to think of how it would affect him when he switched his emotions back on.
She was such a damn sap. Not going after what she really wanted because Klaus had forced Stefan to turn his emotions off and she felt bad that if she told him she was in love with Damon, he wouldn't turn them back on. Then again, she really needed to get a little more information on how compulsion worked. She remembered Klaus telling Stefan to turn his emotions off. She never heard him say to keep them off. Definitely needed a little more research, she made a mental note to herself.
Oh, well. Such was life. She'd wait. It wouldn't be long anyway. After tonight, Klaus would be dead, Stefan would be free and in a little while she could sort it all out. That was if she didn't lose her mind until then.
She had been extremely serious with the bit about losing her mind. Ever since her eighteenth birthday, she had been having the most bizarre dreams and "episodes." At first, it had only been a few flashes during her dreams. Flying through space. Explosions. Screams. She had thought it was simply a result of watching too much sci fi lately.
But then they got more detailed. She could see ships, actually see herself piloting, watching a fleet of ships destroying a satellite of sorts, hearing the screams of the dying. She'd wake up in a sweat with a single thought: "the last of my people." And that wasn't it. It was starting to happen while she was awake as well. She'd zone out for half a minute, seeing herself laughing and smiling with people she had never seen before, in a setting she didn't quite understand.
Then there was the small matter of these vicious and ruthless tendencies she was displaying. At first, she had attributed it all to her training with Ric. That was all well and good, but when she had zoned out during firearms training and had shot every bullet in the gun dead center, had reloaded and emptied another clip in under ten seconds, she had been just as astounded as Ric.
Then she had been practicing with Damon, trying to stake him while Ric studied the photos from the cave walls. It hadn't been anything monumental but she had suddenly gotten seriously irritated that she couldn't seem to do anything to Damon. When he had grabbed hold of the stake, holding her arms in an uncomfortable position, her brain seemed to have gone into a happy place because suddenly she had brought her elbow around, smacked Damon in the throat hard enough to surprise him and make him double over in discomfort. She had proceeded to bring her knee up, slamming him hard in the nose, while grabbing the stake. In less time than she could formulate a thought, she was already behind Damon, with the stake in the exact position he had revealed to her a few days earlier. Just under the ribs, to the side of the spin was the way to a vampire's heart and she had positioned the stake at the perfect angle, knowing all it would take was a little shove and he'd be in massive pain, if not dead.
Ric had simply stared, Damon had raised an eyebrow and said he hadn't realized Ric was that good a teacher and she… well she had decided to simply add it to the list of insane occurrences in her life. Yup, she was definitely going insane, around the bend, losing the plot or whatever else one wanted to call it.
Just then she heard the front door slam and she jumped, her heart racing. Damn, doors slamming did not bode well. Damon stalked in and marched over to the bottle of bourbon, drinking down a shot before pouring another one. Only then did he actually look up at her. Not good, she thought to herself.
"We failed, Elena. No, I failed," he ground out, as if trying to convince both of them.
"What happened Damon?" she asked, though she was incredibly relieved to see he was still in one walking piece and hadn't had a close encounter with a stake. She probably shouldn't mention it, though.
"I don't know. We thought of everything. Mikael turning against us. Klaus having hybrids. We brought Katherine in so you wouldn't be in danger. We thought of everything," he said, his voice rising in irritation.
"We were counting on Stefan's need to be free. On the fact that he wanted Klaus dead as much as we did," Elena said, the need to cringe almost overwhelming. She could see it stamped on Damon's features. He blamed himself. He felt it was his fault that he had let Stefan stop him, that he hadn't expected his brother to betray them. "Where's Katherine?" she asked suddenly. Probably in the Bahamas by now, she answered silently.
Sure enough, Damon answered angrily. "She ran for the hills as soon as it was over. And I don't blame her. Klaus would have crushed her," he said as he stalked around the couch. He looked at Elena and didn't know what was worse, the fact that he had failed dismally or the fact that she didn't blame him. Hell, he blamed him. He was waiting for the look of disappointment to appear on her features. Any moment now… Nothing. Crap! It only made him feel worse, made him feel even less worthy of the trust she placed in him.
"I had him, Elena. I had Klaus. This could have all been over," he snarled, throwing the bottle of bourbon into the fireplace, watching in satisfaction as the flames leaped and roared, consuming the alcohol.
Her heart constricted, watching how angry he was with himself. It wasn't his fault and the sooner he got that through his thick skull, the better. He had to stop taking responsibility for everything that went pear-shaped. So, she walked over to him and grabbed his arm gently. He yanked it away from her violently and she glared.
Damon simply didn't want her touching him. If she did, he'd feel ten times worse. He was supposed to have saved her tonight. He was supposed to have rid her of Klaus the psychopath and he had failed abjectly. And she was trying to comfort him? Oh no, it was totally and completely wrong.
Elena was having none of it. She grabbed hold of his arm again and turned him around this time, her hands going up to hold on to his neck, one sliding up a little higher to almost cup his cheek. She tried to hide the little shudder that went through her at the contact.
"It wasn't your fault," she said softly. "We'll survive this, we always do." At his doubtful expression and to stop herself from saying to hell with everything and kissing him with every ounce of raw lust that was doing the backstroke in her bloodstream right now she said, "trust me." Wow! Great going Elena. Very inspirational, she thought sarcastically.
His gaze softened and the words that followed broke her heart. "We're never getting Stefan back," he said. "You know that." How could she not know that? He had betrayed them to save Klaus. And he had left, even though he was no longer under compulsion. She hesitated to say what needed to be said. It hurt her to let go of Stefan, who had been there for her, through so much. And she knew it would hurt Damon to have to let go of his brother.
"Then we let him go," she said, her voice strong. "Okay?" she asked. "We let him go," she repeated. But I'll get him back for you, even if it takes forever, she added silently. If there's a way, I'll bring him back to you, to us. She couldn't – wouldn't – stand by and watch Damon blame himself for Stefan's fate.
He nodded and his phone rang. She reluctantly let go of him as he answered.
"Not interested in a play-by-play of our failure, Katherine," he said. Oh joy, if it wasn't the selfish bitch herself. Yeah, she had come through. She had stood in for her so she wouldn't get a knife in the back, which was exactly what happened, but still… The woman had issues, major ones. Not least of which was this annoying habit of sniffing around Damon.
Moments later, Damon ended the call and turned away from her, heading over to pour another drink. She simply watched him, trying to decide what to do. She shrugged. "Pour me one, please," she said to him. At his look of surprise she shrugged again. "Isn't much we can do tonight," she said simply and he nodded.
He handed her the glass and she took a sip, closing her eyes and tilting her head back to enjoy the fiery trail of the bourbon as it made its way down into her stomach. At some point she had started enjoying it. Probably had to do with being around Damon so much. She opened her eyes and saw Damon watching her intently, a strange look on his face.
She looked around and realized how stupid it was for them both to be standing, so she sat down on the carpet, in front of the fireplace, leaning back on her elbows. "Sit down, Damon. You're too tall and I'll break my neck trying to look at you like this," she said. Damon dropped to the floor and stared at her.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. Elena's eyes flew to his face. He looked completely dejected, the whole weight of the world on his shoulders. She didn't like this. She couldn't deal with a sad Damon right now. She needed him angry or she'd end up breaking down, gathering him in her arms and holding him until the creases of worry and sadness on his face smoothed out. And it certainly wasn't the moment for it.
"What for?" she asked, her tone a little colder than she had intended. He obviously sensed it and he quickly looked at her.
Damon felt his heart shatter. If he had been alive, he knew that at this very moment, he wouldn't have been able to draw breath into his lungs, his throat had constricted so much. She blamed him. He was the reason for their failure, the reason Stefan wasn't holding her right now. He was such a fuck up! He couldn't even do one thing right!
"For being a complete fuck up!" he snarled, anger and disgust at himself taking over. "For screwing up the one chance you had at freedom! For not bringing my brother back…" he continued to rail.
"Damon, stop it!" Elena snapped, interrupting him. Whatever he thought, he was not to blame. Definitely not for what had happened that evening and certainly not for Klaus' actions. For one split second she wondered if she was doing the right thing. She wondered if hiding her true feelings from him was the right decision. Then an image of Katherine flashed in her mind and reinforced her decision. She would wait. Damon needed to know her feelings for him were real and not the product of Stefan abandoning her. And she definitely needed to set things right with Stefan, even if he had already, technically, broken up with her. "You are not to blame and you are definitely not a fuck up," she told him, on the verge of slapping him for putting himself down so much.
"Elena, I had the damn stake buried in his gut! I was so damn close but instead of Klaus being ashes, Mikael's dead and we lost the one thing that could kill Klaus!"
"Damon," she said with a sigh, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I really can't work up the energy right now to be angry at you because you couldn't see into the future." She shrugged and looked back at the flames dancing in the fireplace. How could she tell him that she was too happy he was alive to worry about Klaus? How could she tell him that she had been practically paralyzed with fear that Mikael would turn on them and Damon would end up with a stake in his heart or werewolf bait? She couldn't.
Damon opened his mouth to say something but then snapped it shut. He looked at her curiously. "Why aren't you … I don't know…" he said, unsure how to ask why she wasn't ranting and raging at him, screaming at him that he was incompetent and he'd screwed up their one chance to get rid of Klaus.
Elena shrugged. "Why aren't I screaming and crying?" she asked and he nodded. "Because it's not going to do any good," she replied and he stared in surprise. "Why aren't I ranting and raving at my fate as the doppelganger?" he nodded again. "Because it's not going to change anything."
"Who kidnapped the real Elena?" he asked jokingly, a bit of the anger and self-recrimination fading from his features. She just grinned.
"No one, I just decided getting angry and even is a lot more productive than complaining about my fate," she said with a smile.
"Careful, Elena. You're starting to sound like me," Damon said warningly. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"
"I don't know, Damon. I have to admit you do have your moments," she said with a small smile. She felt like smacking her head against a wall. She wanted him. No, that was wrong. She had gone way past want into desperate need territory but she was afraid the timing was wrong, again. Oh, you know, let's let your brother go, who sacrificed himself in the first place to save your life, and by the way, I want to jump your bones because I'm in love with you. No pressure, even if I'm your brother's ex and we broke up under duress because of a homicidal hybrid. Yay! She was sure it would go over well. So, she kept quiet.
"Wow! Now I am surprised," he replied with a smirk.
"Please," she scoffed, unable to resist their usual banter, "don't let it go to your head. Your ego is already over-inflated as it is." She took another sip of her drink and he followed suit. "If it gets any bigger you might float away."
"I happen to think that my ego is just the right size," he said, the smirk still firmly in place. "I mean look at me. I'm irresistible and have a personality to match," he continued, though she could hear the underlying note of sadness coming through his usual snarkiness.
Elena perused his body slowly, much to Damon's surprise. In fact, he kind of forgot what he was saying watching her study him so intensely. "You know," she said, her voice a little breathy, "I might just have to agree with you on that one." He swallowed hard wondering when he had entered the Twilight Zone. What was going on? There was something wrong with Elena, he was sure of it. It was probably the alcohol.
Elena looked at him, her tongue tied in knots. She had to get out of there before she literally jumped his bones. She jumped to her feet. "Okay, I'm going to head on home. We've all had a long day and I'm tired," she knew she was babbling but she didn't have much choice in the matter.
"You've been drinking," Damon pointed out. She sighed. He was right. She was trying to decide what would be more dangerous, getting a ride with Damon or sleeping over in Stefan's room. Definitely the ride, so she'd just sleep in Stefan's room. She really, really hoped she didn't fricking sleepwalk.
"Okay, can I sleep in Stefan's room?" she asked. Damon's face fell and she almost gave in. She almost ran over to him, hugged him and told him exactly how much she cared. But she wouldn't ruin it for them so she bit her tongue and waited for him to answer her.
"Sure, why not? It's not as if he needs it," Damon said with a shrug.
"Thanks," she answered. "Well, good night then."
"G'night Elena," he singsonged and she gritted her teeth. She turned and practically stalked up the stairs, into Stefan's room, where she slammed the door behind her. She'd better not sleepwalk!
After tossing and turning for at least an hour, unable to fall asleep, she sighed in irritation. She knew why she couldn't fall asleep. Damon. He was still downstairs, probably blaming himself. Even though she knew it wasn't the best idea in the world, she threw the covers off her. She was going to have a word with him. But before she put one foot on the floor, she heard him coming up the stairs. She sighed.
Well, they'd talk another time. Moments later, she fell asleep. Her dreams were filled with spaceships, explosions and making love to a certain blue-eyed vampire on a beach with white sand, turquoise water and two suns in the lilac sky. A small smile curved her lips and she sighed happily in her sleep.