Fight or flight

Starlog 4 – May 6, 2151

We have been out in space from nearly a month and, until now, nothing interesting has happened. I mean, no first contacts and stuff like that. I can see the Captain is very unhappy with that but I am not: our weapons are so pitiful that, if our first contact were hostile, we wouldn't stand a chance. I've told the Captain that our torpedo targeting system needed an adjustment many times and at last I had the time to make a simulation. It was time, I don't feel safe without adequate weapons.

Travis helped me with the test. He's a really nice guy- very likeable, but he is the eternal optimist, only ever seeing the good side of things. This both makes me envious and worried; this attitude can be good for you because you don't get paranoid as I often do but the risk is that you don't see things as they really are. And eventually you suffer.

Our first test was awful. The shot missed the target by three meters. Travis tried to comfort me saying that three meters were not such a big distance, or something like that.

Of course, I didn't agree: -Three meters could mean the difference between hitting a weapons port and a warp core. Instead of disabling a vessel we'd end up destroying it, and probably ourselves in the process.- The well-being of this vessel and of its crew are under my responsibility. Should I put them at risk because the weapons are not ready yet?

I told the Ensign that these problems should've been resolved when we were on Earth; I think it was irresponsible to let us go without the necessary equipment. And I also told him that I'm quite happy with the fact that we hadn't had a first contact yet – barring Hoshi's slug, of course.

"I hope you don't expect everyone we run into out here to be hostile. In twenty three years I don't think my folks ran into a problem more than a half dozen times." Travis answered.

"I don't believe you were ever out quite this far." I pointed out.

"Do you think that makes a difference?" he asked back.

"Yes, it does" I thought. When you aren't that far away it's easy to find someone who can help you. Instead we are far from Earth and, should we meet a hostile species, no one would come to rescue us. But I didn't wish to be rude: "All I do know is until we get these targeting scanners working properly, the further we are from everyone else, the better."

Travis muttered that everyone on the ship is craving for a first contact and I think he was referring especially to the Captain – who entered that very moment.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Not well, sir. We've corrected the problem but we're still off by point oh two percent. It's unacceptable." I know that I am very fussy sometimes, but this is my way of working. These are weapons, not peanuts: if they don't work properly we risk to blow up… and it would be my fault.

"Are you sure it's not the simulations that are off?" the Captain asked.

"There's only one way to find out." I retorted.

Thankfully, he called T'Pol and ordered her to drop out of warp and let me have a target session with some asteroids. And then again: the first shot totally missed the target and the second bounced off and almost hit us. The captain was irritated with me; when I said I could have tried to refocus the infrared scanner he agreed but ordered Travis to resume the course.

"We're not going to sit on out butt for twenty four hours. Make your modifications. We'll run another test first chance we get." he told me harshly.

Maybe he doesn't understand that I don't want to screw up the mission, otherwise I would have stayed on Earth, programming new weapons and teaching at Starfleet Academy. I've applied for this mission because I wish to explore, but I believe that the crew's safety is more important than exploration right now.

-O- -O- -O-

Starlog 5 – May 7, 2151

And then we had what seemed to be our first contact. It was the worst moment that this could possibly come, obviously, when I had just found out that our weapons didn't work at all. The Captain decided to take a shuttle and investigate the vessel while T'Pol and Hoshi didn't agree; actually, I myself didn't agree very much but I believe that questioning the Captain's decisions on the Bridge is not proper, so I stayed silent. I prepared the shuttlepod and then prepared myself as well because the Captain wanted me to be in the away team. I took both the phase pistols and the rifles but the Captain was not happy with that:

"Going to war, Lieutenant?" he asked

"Can't be too careful, sir." I answered.

He harshly pointed out that I had probably seen too many science fiction films and ordered me to leave the rifles behind. I complied even if I didn't approve.

Hoshi is really uneasy about this mission. She obviously wasn't looking forward to investigate the vessel and she asked worriedly if we would have needed the weapons. More than that, when we found the corpses she screamed aloud as if she were in danger. Maybe it would have been better to leave her on the Enterprise, but there was a good chance that we would have needed a translator, so she had to come with us. When we went back she seemed a little ashamed of her reaction; I hope she won't reproach herself too much.

The Captain probably believes me to be a pain in the arse who wants to blow up everything. When we docked with the vessel the hatch was closed and I was not able to open it, so I suggested to put some microcharges on it. The captain pushed me away and pulled the rods that protruded from the hatch until it opened. He turned to me with a mocking smile, saying "sorry", and we followed him inside. I wanted to do my best with him, I wanted to prove to him that I'm the right Security Officer for this mission but apparently I missed both of the targets.

At first the Captain decided to resume our course because clearly the people who had murdered that crew were likely to come back, but then he changed his mind and went back on the alien vessel along with the doctor and left me in the Armory to work on the scanners.

And then, since "you don't expect everyone we run into out here to be hostile" a very hostile alien vessel approached and T'Pol rightly expected me to be able to defend the ship in ten minutes. When I pointed out that it was unlikely, she simply told me to try and do my best. When I got on the bridge they were already charging weapons and then hitting us and I hurriedly tried to accommodate the targeting, but I wasn't able to completely align the scanners. Suddenly the captain was on the bridge and he ordered me to fire them. Obviously the first two shots went completely wrong.

The captain ordered me to distribute the phase pistols but that very moment another ship arrived and I went back to my place. The ship's captain belonged to the same species of the murdered crew and at first he believed us to be the murderers. Thanks to Hoshi he understood that we were not and he fired the vessel which was attacking us. Eventually I managed to align the scanners and I fired the vessel with a torpedo- which thankfully hit the target.

At first I felt relieved but now I am not. It was just a matter of luck: if that ship hadn't arrived, if Hoshi hadn't convinced their captain, we would probably be all dead right now. And one can't expect to always be lucky. At least our weapons are working now and I can do my work at my best but I don't know if it will suffice. I can't understand whether the situation was impossible or it was I who failed. The fact is, until yesterday I was beginning to feel at home on the Enterprise, now I don't know. And the Captain probably thinks I'm a fool.