(Wasn't that just great ladies and gentlemen…wait a minute I have something I just KNOW you're going to love (fanfare) yep that's right coming right up the Judge Gumby Sketch (more fanfare).)
(P.S I don't own Monty Python…if I did I'd be a very rich dude.)
JUDGE GUMBY/TRIAL OF THE SPANSH INQUISITION SKETCH
(Open up to a courtroom we see everything you expect to see in an average courtroom.)
Bailiff: all rise
(Everyone rises.)
Bailiff: his Excellency Judge Gumby G. Gumby III
(a Gumby wearing his hat over a judge's wig stomps in and takes his seat in the judge's chair.)
Gumby: (grabs gavel and slams it down) guilty As sin he gets the death sentence.
District Attorney (actually Eric Praline from the Dead Parrot Sketch): but your honor we haven't brought in the plaintiffs yet.
Gumby: I don't care those TV Producers won't get away with showing bad shows any longer.
D.A.: TV Producers?
Gumby: well of course aren't they on trail?
D.A.: your honor the Spanish Inquisition is on trail.
Gumby: oh, well then send the bastards in.
(The Spanish Inquisition (consisted of cardinals Ximenez, Biggles, and Fang) walks in escorted by bobbies. They are then put in the plaintiff box.)
Gumby: now then other then standing in water what are the charges?
D.A.: (pulls out a scroll that's as long as a roll of toilet paper) your honor these men are wanted for attempting to torture dozens of people they're also extremely incompetent.
Gumby: what about standing in water?
D.A.: my lord that isn't an offense.
Gumby: but I thought that there's a tax on people standing in water.
D.A.: as hard to believe as it is, not everything you see on television is true.
Gumby: you mean you can't go to Heaven by buying Wizzo Butter?
D.A.: that's right my lord.
Gumby oh shit now I'll have to sue them.
D.A.: with no due respect your Excellency I think we should get back to the case.
Gumby: fine then.
D.A.: bring in the witness.
(Raymond Luxury Yacht walks in and takes his seat in the witness box.)
D.A.: now Mr. Raymond Luxury Yacht…
Raymond: you're pronouncing it wrong.
D.A.: what?
Raymond: it's spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove
D.A.: now listen here mister Luxury Yacht that may be acceptable on TV but this is a courtroom nothing here is supposed to be silly.
Raymond: well then what's he doing here?
(Raymond points at a loony sitting in the back row.)
D.A.: that's not important, he is only here as a character witness.
Raymond: well what am I?
D.A.: out of this court now BEAT IT
(Raymond bolts out of the room.)
D.A.: next witness please
(Sir Walter Scott walks in and sits down in the witness box.)
D.A.: now mister Scott is it true you wrote Ivanhoe?
Scott: no I didn't write that…it sounds more like Dickens.
Charles Dickens: (stands up from his seat in the audience) you bastard.
Scott: why does he always do that?
D.A.: (ignores him) and what did the Spanish Inquisition think of it?
Scott: oh that, I was sitting around my house one day when I says 'I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition' all casual like and then they burst in and accuse me of…what was it again?
Cardinal Fang: (unrolls scroll) he was guilty of writing Ivanhoe which is a terrible book thus committing heresy against the Holy Church (prepares to do a funky dance before Cardinal Ximenez stops him.)
Scott: yeah all that stuff then they tried to torture me w-w-with cushions of all things.
D.A.: so you admit they tried to torture you.
Scott: well what else could it have bloody been?
D.A.: well I think you've used enough time SEND IN THE FINAL WITNESS.
(Scott leaves the stands and Mr. Nudge replaces him.)
D.A.: so Mr. Nudge is it true you encountered the Spanish Inquisition?
Nudge: oh yes last night someone in my apartment said 'I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition' and they burst through and started tying people up…not that I would have minded.
D.A.: what do you mean?
Nudge: oh you know tying people up (winks)
D.A.: Mr. Nudge I have no idea what your talking about.
Nudge : you know tying people up.
D.A.: Mr. Nudge are you a deviant?
Nudge: oh no, no, no…well yes.
D.A.: and this tying someone up business is sexual in nature yes?
Nudge: yep.
D.A.: I see (pulls out gun) I'm afraid that if you do not leave this courtroom I shall have to shoot you.
Nudge: WHAT WHY?
D.A.: for being a deviant.
Nudge: (shrugs) oh well at least your reasonable about it (runs out)
D.A.: (puts gun away) alright now that all the witnesses have gone…
Raymond: (runs back in) excuse me.
D.A.: (groans) what is it this time Mr. Luxury Yacht?
Raymond: I thought you said the Loony was a witness?
D.A.: he isn't a witness for this trial it's someone else's.
Raymond: oh (leaves)
D.A.: now before the judge passes sentence does the Spanish Inquisition have anything to say?
Ximenez: yes I do our chief weapons are…
D.A.: I mean something other then nonsense.
Ximenez: well nothing then.
Biggles: is anyone here a poof?
Courtroom: NO
Biggles: just checking.
(fade to black screen with words "ONE VERDICT LATER" before opening up again.)
Gumby: I found the bastards guilty and so sentence them TO DEATH.
(The Spanish Inquisition faints.)
D.A.: but my lord that was the sentence going to "Unspeakably Violent Jack, the bull buggering beast killer, of no fixed abode."
Gumby: you mean the dwarf?
D.A.: yes.
Gumby: fine then I sentence them…TO APPEAR IN THE NEXT THREE SKETCHES.
(cut to Ximenez answers some letters.)