Ch. 2: Afraid

My words didn't have any merit. I was just as stuck in the past as he was. Why else would I be afraid to shift into a titan? It was because I didn't want to relive what I experienced during the fall of Shiganshina. My fear was the proof that I was the same as he was. The only difference between us was that he was stronger than me. Sure, he was only a newbie to the whole titan thing, which meant that he was physically weaker than me, but he was stronger on the inside. Where I was afraid, he was only angry. I didn't doubt that it would make him compete with me fairly in battle.

I didn't bother to readjust myself when a stray piece of bark which was jutting out of the tree dug itself into my skin. It was just pain, and I was used to that by now. "Kitty!" I groaned. The only person who called me 'Kitty' would be Hange. The rest weren't stupid enough to do that. Then again, they were all my superiors. It wasn't like I could just beat them whenever I wanted. That would probably end badly for me as well; they'd kill me for something like that. Actually, they'd probably kill me for something much smaller than that.

"Kitty, are you still up there? It's been nearly fifteen minutes!"

"I'm still up here," I yelled down, "Did you have something to say?"

"Come down," Hange yelled.

I sighed, "Do I really have to?"
"Are you questioning your commanding officer's orders?" shouted a voice. It was neutral; neither angry nor annoyed. I found it strange that someone could manage to shout while retaining the same monotone sound. Still, he was my superior.

"I'm coming." Somehow I didn't want to upset Levi. There was something about that guy that made you want to impress him. Maybe it was because his strength was famous. I don't think that's all it was, though. There was something about him that made him seem intimidatingly strong, (even with such a small stature).

I sighed and launched myself from the tree branch. I did a flip for kicks. The tree was pretty tall, so I had a good couple of seconds before I would hit the ground. The wind rushed past me as I plummeted downwards. "Kitty!" yelled a voice. It was clearly worried. I grinned as my feet hit the ground. There was a clear force from the impact that I could feel in my joints, but it wasn't too bad. I'd bent my knees on impact so that I wouldn't stop so suddenly; that's why my ankles and knees weren't broken right then.

"Yes?" I asked, answering Hange's call from earlier.

Her mouth hung open from a few seconds and then it curled into a wide smile, "How were you able to do that?"

"Um...practice?"

"You jump out of trees often, then?" she asked.

"Or cliffs. It's so that I can better use my titan," I said, "Of course...I haven't done that for a long time." Something caught the corner of my eye. I left Hange's side while she was still asking me questions, "I want to apologize. Firstly, I shouldn't have hit you. Secondly, I really said some horrible things. So...I'm sorry."

Eren Yeager stared at me for a few seconds, "Yeah." I smiled and twisted my hair around my finger.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to say you're sorry also?" Oluo asked.

"He did...through telekinesis," I said with a grin.

"Do you have telekinesis?!" Hange asked, bounding towards me. I dodged her arms, (which would have suffocated me in an excited hug had I not).

"I was just kidding!" I said, "But I can tell he's sorry because he won't look at me. That means he feels just as guilty as I do."

"You're perceptive. That's good," Levi said, striding towards us.

"Thanks, I guess. I've never really thought about it." My stomach sunk as Levi stared at me. I could practically hear what he was going to say next. I looked at my feet, "You want me to shift, don't you?"

"If that's what you'd like to call it. I want to see your titan form," he said sternly.

"We have a hole all ready for you! It's a pretty high quality one, too," Hange said, elbowing me.

"A hole?" I asked.

"Yeah, so that you can't attack us," she said as if it were obvious.

"Why would I attack you?" I asked.

She raised her finger as if to make a point and opened her mouth. She didn't say anything. "I won't attack you unless you attack me. I make that my policy. Still, I'll climb into this hole if you want me to. Might make you feel more comfortable."

"It's over there," Gunther said, pointing to my right. I nodded and headed towards it. My heart was pounding, to be honest. I was scared. Insanely scared. I wasn't going to show that though. Not to these people. Not to anyone. I could tell people about my fear, but not show them. I didn't want anyone to see that my hands were shaking or that I was sweating. I didn't want to seem weak. Still, I was weak. There wasn't anything I could do to change that.

I leapt down into the hole and landed with a small thud. I took a deep breath and touched the cold wall of the vertical tunnel. I pressed my forehead to the wall to cool it down. Surprisingly, it calmed me down a bit. Still, I was worried. "You said that you could change at will. Does that mean you still have to self-mutilate?" It was Hange yelling down at me. I sighed.

"Yeah, but you might want to step back," I called up.

"Right! Oi! Yeager! Come here!" There was a short while of silence before another voice came.

"Hange went back. She told me to talk to you," he said.

I looked up and saw his bright blue eye staring down at me. I nodded, "About what?"

"She didn't say," he answered. I puffed a piece of hair away from my eyes.

"That's helpful," I said, crossing my arms.

"Hey, Klaus. Can I ask you something?"

I hesitated, "Yes?"

"Are you afraid?"

I fell silent. "Why do you care?" It was my automatic response to questions I didn't want to answer. I put up walls all the time. I was afraid to use my titan form again, of course. Still, I was delusional if I thought that such a wall would protect me from that fear.

"Because I've never been afraid to do it." I looked up to ask him what he meant by that or how he could manage to be fearless in the face of the titan. He wasn't there any longer, though.

"Whenever you're ready!" I shook my head and slapped my cheeks to rid myself of doubt. Eren Yeager had told me that he wasn't afraid. Why? Then it suddenly hit me. I didn't use to be afraid. I used to love wielding the power that came with my titan form. I used to practice whenever I could. I was just about to convince myself that I could be unafraid as well when the panic hit me.

I fell to one knee, my breath ragged and my forehead sweating. I dug my fingers into the dirt, searching for a handhold. My vision started to blur and then images flashed in front of my eyes. I was no longer able to keep myself upright when the flashback started.

"Kat! Where are you!?" It was Ant. I sighed. I could hear the tears that were most likely pouring down his cheeks in his voice as he called for me.

"Don't worry, I'm right here!" I yelled back. Within seconds, the little boy who I'd grown up with was sprinting around the corner, barrelling towards me. He slammed into me, nearly knocking me over. "Why are you crying this time?"

"I thought you left," he whimpered into my shirt. I could feel his tears soaking through the coarse fabric.

"I thought I told you that I wouldn't leave you," I said, patting his blond, curly hair. I ruffled it and he squeezed me tighter.

"But I thought you left anyway," he said. I sighed and pried him off of me. He still clung to my shirt. I knelt down and looked up at him, putting a hand on the side of his impossibly adorable face. The light freckles scattered across his nose made me smile. I kissed his nose and he shut his big, blue eyes.

"I'm not going to leave you."

He stared at me for a moment and then stuck out his pinky. It was his silent request that I would promise not to leave. I smiled and wrapped my finger around his. "I promise."

"KITTY!" shouted a voice. I automatically lashed out in my sleep like state. My fist didn't make contact with anything, though. "Are you alright? You were crying in your sleep." I opened my eyes and sat up. I touched the corner of my eye and my fingers came away damp. It occurred to me that I must have passed out.

"I'm alright," I said, pulling my knees to my chest and hiding my face there. "It was just a dream."

"I'll...go get you some water. Stay here," Hange said. She sounded nervous, like she didn't know what to do when someone was crying. As far as I could tell, (from my short time knowing her), she could only really deal with titans. I welcomed the solitude when she left, though.

I lifted my head and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. "Shit," I whispered. Why did I remember Anthony now. I'd told myself that I could do it, that I would be able to become a titan so that I could protect people. But what good would that really do? Why good would I really do. I'd been useless my whole life, and I knew it. It'd just become more obvious that day.

I whipped the blankets off of me and took in my surroundings. I was in my room. When I realized where I was I felt a tiny longing to be with the other cadets in the 105th, bunking with Kate. I wanted to be called "Double K's" like I had that morning. That wasn't going to happen. I'd been whisked away, and I wasn't going back.

I shook off that feeling a retreated to the small window on the opposite side of the room. The cloth curtains had holes in them as if moths had been gnawing at them for ages. I annoyedly swiped them out of my way with the back of my hand and leaned out the window. The fresh air did me some good. I detected a sweet smell and inhaled deeply. Hange's earlier worlds flitted annoyingly around in the back of my mind, but I sufficiently ignored them. I grabbed the edge of the window frame and launched my body through the gap. It had just been waiting for me to do that. Who was I to refuse it?

My boots collided with the stones-why Hange left them on was as much of a mystery to me as anything-and I took in the night. I sprinted along the waterway that was just outside of the building I'd been confined in. I stretched my arms above my head and let out a yell of excitement. It was nice to be able to run again. It felt like it'd been too long. I'd only been with the "Specials," (as I liked to call them), for a few days, but I still felt cooped up.

After a few minutes of sprinting, I skidded to a stop. My ears twitched, a reflex when a noise stuck out to me. I crouched down and pressed my back against the wall of the alley I was running through. I narrowed my eyes and stared into the darkness. I wasn't completely sure I'd heard something, but I was better safe than sorry. Who would want to attack me, though? I was just a cadet. Oh wait, no I wasn't. I was a titan, and people knew that much now. I started to feel the dampness of the wall seep through my shirt. "Where are you?" I whispered under my breath. I didn't doubt it now. I could practically smell the person who was following me.

My ears twitched again and I jerked my head upright just in time to see a pair of boots falling directly towards my face. "Oh, who does tha-" I began, but the boots collided with my face before I could finish my sentence. My head slammed against the ground and it was immediately clear to me that my assailant had to be a man. There was no way a woman could slam me down with such force, (unless she was morbidly obese).

I tried to knock him off of me, but I ended up just looking stupid and flailing my arms around. My head was so dizzy that I figured I had a concussion. "Who...are you?" I choked out. There was no answer, only more pressure on my head. The man leaned over me, which I could barely see with my blurry vision. The one thing that I could detect for certain was the shine of a blade in what little light the alley provided. "You think you can kill me with that?" I bluffed. Yeah, he could definitely kill me with it. Stabbing me in the heart, for example, would definitely end my life.

I faintly heard him chuckle. My shoulders went slack when he put more pressure on the arch of my back. "Attacking from above was a cowardly move. What? Afraid you can't beat me head on?" I asked. At that point I was simply attempting to stall for time. This guy didn't seem like an amateur, though. There was no way he would take the bait. I didn't, however, expect him to plunge his knife into my shoulder. That's exactly what he did, though. My scream was followed by a flurry of grunts after he ripped the knife from my skin.

"I'll kill you!" I howled. He laughed again. Over what seemed to be an hour but was only a few minutes, almost every part of my body was severely lacerated. My voice was eventually so raw that I could only squeak at the tip of his blade. I was getting closer and closer to wanting to die, but I wasn't about to give into the likes of this guy. A person who takes the cowardly approach, though it may have been an attempt to avoid my titan form, wasn't worthy to be my opponent. Sadly, that wasn't the reason why I was losing right then. It wasn't any matter of pride. If I seriously wanted to, I might have been able to fight back. Perhaps at that point I'd lost too much blood, but my sheer will power probably could have spurred me forward. I guess I'd just given up, though. Thinking back, it was probably the moment that I jumped from that window that I gave up.

It didn't take much to rekindle that hope, though. "Get off of her, you bastard!" yelled a voice. Honestly, I barely heard it, (much less recognized it), but I could tell it was a man's voice. I was aware of the weight being lifted off of me and the vague shuffling sounds. A loud slam ending the scuffling. Soon, a gentle warmth enveloped me. "You alive?" asked a voice.

I tried to answer in the positive, but instead I coughed and tasted iron. I decided it was better to just nod. "Don't die, alright." I nodded again. I felt a strange weightless feeling and instinctively tightened the grip I had on my savior's shirt. He chuckled and told me, "Don't worry. I'm just going to carry you back now."

I managed to shake my head weakly. "You don't want to go back?"

"...Not…" I choked a little, "Yet."

There was a silence that seemed to suffocate me, (or maybe there a puncture hole in my lungs). Either way, I had to force myself to breathe. I heard a sigh, which was a good sign because it meant that my hearing was starting to recover. "Fine, but we're not staying here. The guy might come back." I nodded and buried my face in my savior's chest, (yup...definitely a guy).

As we walked-or rather he walked and I was carried-my arm swayed at my side. The other was tucked neatly against his chest. Another indicator was the obvious strength in his arms. I won't lie and say that it didn't make me comfortable. He smelled sort of like wood, but there was another smell there. "I thought you were dead already. Being a titan sure does come in handy, huh?" I nodded weakly and decided to risk speech, "'Specially when you're getting repetitively stabbe-" I subsequently broke into a fit of coughing and something warm dribbled down my chin.

"Hey, I didn't say you could talk," he said, concern in his voice. I could feel his fingers on my face; he was probably wiping away the blood I'd just coughed up. Jeez, I wondered if this guy was a looker. It wouldn't be the best way to make a first impression, that's for sure. I wasn't about to chat this guy up and say, "Hey, remember me? I was the one who vomited blood on your chest when we first met. You hungry?"

"Don't worry. You won't die," he said.

"How do you know?" I asked. Honestly, if this guy was beautiful, I wouldn't mind dying that much.

"Because I won't let you die on me," he said.

I pressed my face harder into his chest, "Sorry if I bleed on you a little."

"I don't mind...as long as you don't die," he added.

"Who are you? Do I know you? Last time I checked, random strangers aren't ok with being bled on. I'd be angry if someone bled on me," I said with a smile.

He was quiet for a moment and I tried to lift my neck. I winced and hissed when a sharp pain restricted my motion. "Keep your head down."

"Nice to meet you, Keepyourheaddown. I don't recall hearing that name before, though. Pray tell, have I had the pleasure of encountering you at an earlier date?"

"If you can joke, I'm sure you aren't dying," he said, amusement in his voice.

"You know, you seem familiar," I said. That wasn't a complete lie. I did sort of recognize something about him. I couldn't place it, but there was something.

When he next spoke, his voice was a bit colder, "You should stop talking."

"Right. Don't want more blood on you. We couldn't have that," I said. He was quiet. "Sorry," I said, "Don't leave, ok?"

I heard a slight snort, "I promise I won't do that. It's not like I could leave a bleeding girl like you to be attacked again."

"Yeah, you sure are a nice guy," I said.

"Is anyone looking for you? There's got to be someone, right?" he asked.

"No one that I want to see."

"That sounds like you're scared."

I hesitated, but I wasn't sure why. I decided to give it a little thought. At first, his words didn't make much sense. Why would I be afraid of those people? I just didn't want to see them, and that was all. On second thought, though, I realized that he was right. Going back to the scouts meant that I was going to be forced to change into a titan. Judging by the fact that I passed out when I last attempted a shift, that was the core of my fear. I was just too afraid to repeat what had happened with Ant.

"Ant?" asked my savior.

"What? You could hear my thoughts?" I demanded. My head immediately started pounding when I raised my voice.

"No, you were talking out loud," he said. I heard a flicker of amusement in his voice that quite honestly annoyed me.

"It's none of your business," I mumbled. I wasn't about to open up about my past to this random stranger.

"You're right. Sometimes, though, it's better to talk to people. Even though you don't know who I am, you could still relieve some stress by telling me what's on your mind." I listened to his footsteps echo in the tunnel we must have been walking through. I could hear his heart beat due to the positioning of my head. Somehow, that heartbeat calmed me. I suddenly didn't think it would be so bad to tell this guy about me. So...I did. I told him my story. I didn't hold anything back. I didn't lie or exaggerate any of it. I told it exactly how I remembered it.