She could feel every bump in the road. Her stomach twisted more with every slight turn that the ambulance made and the bile was rising up in her throat quicker than she could cope with. She could have sworn that they had left Chicago all together, if she hadn't known better. The ride felt longer than it should have.
The paramedic beside her was fussing. It was always what they did. It was only when Erin became the patient for once that she started to resent them. They were as subtle as a brick through a window, prying and poking. The brunette had managed to drown the other woman's words out completely. There were obvious exceptions though, but as much as she wished that it were Brett or someone that she knew instead, Erin just wanted to be left alone.
Erin knew what had happened. She wasn't kidding herself. She could feel her skin crawling in all of the places that his fingers had skimmed agonisingly across, and she could feel the back of her throat aching from the shouting that she had done, that nobody had heard. The shouting that Ty had refused to hear. She could feel every single bruise that had bloomed over her body in the minutes that had passed, and she could feel the ones that were only just staring to take shape. Her thoughts hadn't stopped rattling around in her head since it had happened. They were screaming at her.
Erin didn't want them to know about any of it. She didn't want anyone to know. She didn't want them to know that she had been so stupid and trusting. She didn't want them to know that she had let her guard down for a second. She didn't want anyone to know that she hadn't seen the truth when it was right in front of her. She didn't want anyone to know that she hadn't been able to fight of Ty. She didn't want them to know that she had been-
Erin knew that they all would - if they didn't already, that was. It would spread around the district like wildfire. If the faces that she had seen were anything to go by, what she had seen of them at least, then it would. Without a doubt. She had tucked herself tightly into Jay's chest but she hadn't been comatose. It was as though she had thought if she couldn't see then she couldn't be seen. But it hadn't worked. They had all been standing there. Staring there. Watching her be the victim for once with open eyes and open mouths. It didn't matter that she was in the ambulance now. It was like she could still feel their gazes' on her. Burning into her.
It made her feel sick.
The brunette brought her knees up towards her chest. She tried to focus on her hands, she would bite her nails until there was nothing left if it meant that her head would stop spinning around in circles. Erin flinched as the paramedic's hands brushed against her. She hadn't expected the touch and she didn't want it. Jay's sharp intake of breath met her ears before her own could even leave her mouth. The stranger was cold and her fingers were laced with apologies. She pulled the brunette down gently, pressing a wad of gauze softly against the back of her head. It stung. Erin grit her teeth, trying to ignore it as best she could.
She winced again. Pretending to feel nothing was proving to be harder than she thought it would be. The longer she felt it the more she couldn't breathe.
"Stop." Jay noticed her discomfort before the paramedic did. He noticed the way that her body shuddered with every small intake of hair, and the way that her shoulders tensed more and more with each passing second. It was him that spoke out, not her. "Please."
The paramedic recoiled. Her lips tightened and spread out into a thin line. It was a feeble attempt at an apologetic smile but Jay accepted it. It must have been one of the first times that she had worked a case like that. It wasn't Jays. Or Erin's. The situation wasn't foreign to either of them. It was only the circumstances that had changed. And they had changed everything.
"I think you're gonna need a few stitches."
Jay reached out towards her quickly. His hand was searching for her own. It was resting limply by her side on the gurney. She pulled it away just as swiftly, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie down to cover her fingers before Jay had a chance to intertwine them with his. Erin brought her arms in close to her chest, curling up into the material. Jay could help but let a little frown settle over his face at her actions. He knew that she was hurting in a way that he couldn't possibly understand, and he wanted to be as understanding as he could, but Erin had been so willing to be close to him before. He hadn't expected her to be back then. He wasn't even sure if she had expected herself to do it. It had taken a second for her to be at ease but once she was, she clung onto him as though her life depended on it.
He wanted her to cling again.
If he were being honest, he was still shocked to have heard his name float past her lips instead of Voight's when the ambulance had been ready to leave. He was surprised to hear anything at all. Jay had hoped she would settle as easily after that but it was as though they were right back at square one again. With all that had happened he just wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be the one person that was able to comfort her. He wanted her to be able to trust him. It wasn't like he could protest though. What kind of person would that make him?
He just wanted to be close to her. He just wanted to protect her. He would do it until his dying breath left his lungs.
Their eyes met suddenly.
There was no hostility. There was no shooting glare that told him to stay away. There wasn't a hint of annoyance at all, like he had completely expected there to be. They were soft and vulnerable, and desperate, and nothing like he had seen in them before. Jay could tell that the brunette was making no effort to hide how she really felt with him but her gaze flickered away from him barely after it had met him. It was like she was scared that he would take away what little she had left behind her eyes away from her. Even so, Jay couldn't help but feel a little comforted. At least she was all there. At least she was still with him.
He let out a deep breath. Jay was already kicking himself for what had happened. He had been kicking himself long before anyone had even walked into the house. There was a reason that they all had partners. There was a reason that they always had someone there beside them to watch their back.
There was a reason that Erin had Jay.
It killed him that he had failed her. It killed him that he had failed at the most important job that he had. And in the worst possible way.
The ambulance came to a halt suddenly. Far more suddenly than either of them was prepared for. There was a screech of tires, painfully meeting Erin's ears, but all that Jay could hear was the small whimper that left his partner's mouth. Her eyes darted to Jay again. He could tell that she hadn't meant to make the noise, and she regretted it immediately. The paramedic stumbled over her own feet, falling against the side of the ambulance but Jay ignored her. He stayed as steady as ever.
His only concern was Erin.
His arms reached instinctively out towards her again. He knew that he shouldn't have, given the way that she had reacted before, but he couldn't help himself. She was his priority. She didn't even flinch when his hands made contact.
There was an apologetic voice calling from the very front of the vehicle but neither of them seemed to notice it at all. It was all just background noise. The brunette squeezed her eyes shut again. The frown had returned to Jay's face too. It was starting to become a permanent feature of his but he didn't care at all. He felt like ripping the driver out of his seat and asking him what the hell he was doing, but he knew that that would lead to no good.
They felt the wheels begin to move again. Erin had never been more for the way that they glided smoothly over the tarmac. She settled back into the stretcher, relaxing more than she had before. Jay was still holding onto her tightly. She was almost holding him back. He pushed a loose strand of hair that had fallen over her face behind her ear. She gave him a small smile in return, letting out another breath through her nose. It was far more even and controlled than the previous one. Jay copied her.
The journey didn't seem so long after that. It passed quickly by them without them realising it. Erin had zoned out completely but she was drifting back into reality. She just couldn't stop feeling it. All of it. It didn't matter that she was safe now. She could feel Ty's breath on her neck as though her were still on top of her. She could feel the weight of his body crushing her chest.
Jay's eyes were as fixed on her as they had ever been. It was as though a part of him thought that if he were to take them off of her for even a second, she would come crumbling down. As if she would fall to pieces. That didn't change as they finally stopped at the hospital and the back door of the ambulance popped open beside them.
"I want..." Erin's words trailed off. Away into nothing. Her throat was dry and her tongue was tied. Jay sat up a little straighter as her voice filled the space between them. He moved forward to the edge of the seat that he was on, closer to her. "Wheelchair?"
It was all that she could force out.
She didn't want to be wheeled in there like some casualty. She didn't want to be seen as some incompetent cop that couldn't even hold herself up straight. Even if she were, they didn't need to know that. Nobody did. Erin knew that there wasn't a chance in hell she could walk all the way in there on her own to feet and pretend that everything was fine, but she would be damned if it was on a gurney instead.
The brunette sat up and twisted herself around, shrugging away Jay's grip. She grimaced at the change in position as her legs fell over the edge, dangling down a few inches from the floor. She couldn't help but let her mind drift back to when she had done the same, when Jay had found her. Her stomach turned again. It seemed to be all that it wanted to do that day.
Her legs were shaky. She had expected them to be. Like bambi. But Jay was right there ready to hold her up. She hadn't even had to ask. She wasn't going to let her fall. That was one thing that she knew for certain. But neither was her partner. He motioned with his hands as though he wanted to scoop her back up into his arms. Just like back there. But she shook her head swiftly and sharply.
She could do it by herself.
The step all the way down to the ground, down to the wheelchair that had been brought out for her, was even harder than she had expected for it to be. And she had expected it to be hard. Her legs throbbed, and for the first time since it had happened it wasn't just because of what had happened between them. That was still just as bad. It was a constant reminder. Like a kick to the stomach that never stopped happening. It was just a relief when she was able to sit down again.
Erin closed her eyes as the paramedic wheeled her into the emergency room. She caught a glimpse of the doctor that had been standing, waiting for her outside but she couldn't remember his name. A pang of guilt hit her. She was normally a lot better with those sort of things. They mattered to her. But her mind came up with nothing. Jay followed her, trailing behind all of them like a lost dog.
He wasn't sure what to do with himself.
The brunette rested her head in her right hand, tilting it down towards her lap and covering her eyes with her palm. She didn't care where she was facing as long as it was away from the sight that was in front of her. She knew just as many people at the hospital as she did back at the site, and even more than that knew her too. Erin didn't want to have to face the questioning looks and strange expressions that she knew would be waiting right there for her to see. It was too much to take. Jay did his best to shoot down anything that came their way with the best attempt at an intimidating glare he could muster. He wasn't trying to be an asshole. He knew that they couldn't help their curiosity and shock but he just wished that they would at least try and hide it.
Erin didn't pay much attention to the words that were being thrown about around her. She was familiar with a lot of it but there were still some that she didn't understand. They were strange and intimidating but it didn't matter much to her. There was only one word that she was waiting to hear fly out of one of their mouths, but it never came.
The didn't know a thing. She was grateful for that much.
She was steadier on her feet this time, moving to push herself off of the wheelchair and up onto the bed that was in front of her. It was only then that she realised how exposed she really was. It was only then that she realised how stupid she was for thinking that nobody would know. They weren't stupid.
Her legs were bare and the hoodie covered only an inch or two of them. Jay thought it too. She could see the way that the though flickered across his eyes. He moved instinctively to stand in front of her so that nobody on the outside was able to see in. So that nobody would see the state that she was in. He was just as ready to catch the brunette as he was before too. Erin wished that he wasn't. She couldn't help it. She was starting to wish that he wouldn't treat her as though she were so fragile. She didn't want to be fragile.
Their eyes met again. It was a silent question on his part. The only reply that the brunette offered him on her part was a slight nod.
She was okay. Well, as okay as she could be.
The bed was low. It meant that it didn't take much effort for her to get up onto it. She was glad for that. It was the slightest bit of independence but she would take it. It was slanted up at almost a ninety degree angle, and Erin pressed her back firmly against it. As though she were scared that she would fall without the support. She was just thankful that she didn't have to lie down flat like something on a slab. Like someone in a morgue.
Jay tore his eyes away from her for a second. His cell phone was buzzing against his thigh. He could only imagine who would be trying to get a hold of him. It wouldn't be Voight. It would only be a matter of minutes until the older man was there and forcing his way into the room with them. Jay pulled the iPhone out quickly - it was Burgess - and cancelled the call, tossing the device carefully onto the sheets next to the brunette. He knew that the younger cop was just worried, and probably trying to see if what she had heard was true, but he wasn't going to talk to her. It was impossible timing.
Jay almost had a chance to look back to the Erin, but his attention was commanded to the door all of a sudden. Just in time for him to see the doctor that had walked in with them being pushed aside suddenly, and almost roughly, as his older brother forced his way into the cubicle. The look of worry was evident on his face. It was the same look that they had seen a hundred times on everyone else's, but this was the only time that Jay didn't feel the urge to shut it down. His expression was the same.
"Out," Will said quickly, his words forceful. He had no intention of repeating himself. A nurse that had been next to them scarpered out like a scorned child. He didn't waste a single second, taking a few long strides towards Erin and reaching into his pocket. "I heard what happened. They said something about a head injury."
Erin opened her mouth to speak but her voice crackled and she closed it again quickly. She wasn't even sure what she was supposed to say.
Jay cleared his throat, the sound of his cough echoing around them. "She's okay." He looked back to Erin. He knew as well as she did that she wanted to keep it all on the down low. The last thing that she needed was for him to blurt anything out. But he wanted what was best for her. "Just some pretty bad cuts and bruises. The paramedic said something about stitches on her head. I think she's just shaken up." He knew that it was far more than that. He had to stop himself from telling his brother everything right there and then.
His phone buzzed in his back pocket. It vibrated against his thigh and brought his attention away from the situation. Voight. It wouldn't be long until he was at the hospital too. Jay wasn't sure why he was calling. It wasn't like he was far away. He let it ring out. The older man could wait. Jay placed it quickly atop one of the counters that was by Erin's bed as his brother's voice met his ears again.
Will didn't want to ask too many questions. He knew that he was supposed to and if it were anyone else, he would have, but it was different when it was his brother standing in front of him. And his brother's partner. Will knew that persistence wasn't going to serve him well with them. "Okay." He nodded slowly, taking in the sight that was in front of him. "It's probably best to be on the safe side. You know Voight will have my head if we aren't. So, I'll run some tests, scans, give you some fluids. The usual."
Erin nodded. She was trying her best to pull it together. Will smiled slightly and took another step or to towards her. She didn't mean it, but she couldn't help but recoil slightly. It was involuntarily and she regretted it immediately. It didn't go unnoticed by the doctor either.
Jay cut in before his brother could comment. He could only imagine what would come out if it had the chance, and he didn't want to hear it. "Can you just give us a second?"
"Jay..." Will frowned, turning away from the brunette slightly. "Did she...I mean, I don't think that I should-"
"Please." Jay pleaded, giving his older brother a look that he knew he wouldn't be able to argue with. "Just a second."
Will let out a deep breath, but nodded. "I'll be right outside."
Erin rubbed her eyes with her hands, not watching as the doctor left the room - albeit apprehensively. She was dreading the conversation that awaited her. Jay's eyes were burning into her skin, she could feel his gaze before she even opened her own again. He almost looked as scared as she felt.
"Erin," he sighed, wringing his hands together. He always fidgeted when he was anxious, or when something was wrong. It was something that the brunette had come to learn about him. She could spot it from a mile away. "I know that you don't want to, but we have to tell them what happened."
She spoke quickly and sharply, unlike she had before. She almost felt guilty for the way that her tone stung him. "Nothing happened. Just drop it."
"Erin-"
"No, Jay." It was just like before. Erin knew that if she looked at him for long enough, looked at the destroyed expression that was written all over her partner's face, then she would give into him without a second thought. Just like before. "Please."
He shook himself. He knew that he had to be stronger for her sake. "You have to. We have to." She shook her head again but he ignored it. "Do it for me, Er."
"I can't."
It was all that she could get out. It was the same every time she opened her mouth. Erin hated her voice for abandoning her. She hated that she wasn't the same person that she had been that morning anymore. She knew that she wouldn't be able to admit what really happened out loud. She couldn't even admit it to herself. It wasn't just about what they were going to think of her. That mattered, but it wasn't as bad as what she was going to think of herself. Erin had seen women just like her on days just like today, sitting on beds just like she was and rising and falling just like she had been.
Erin didn't want to be like that.
She didn't want to be a name on a medical chart. She didn't want to be a name on a police report. She didn't want to be a name that was passed around from mouth to mouth, as they spoke about her like some unfortunate victim.
They would all look at her differently. They would all treat her differently. Like she was broken. Like every time they seen her, they thought about what he had taken from her. What she was never going to be able to get back. That wasn't even the worst part of it all. As if it could get any worse.
Erin could try her best to ignore the talk. She had been ignoring talk her whole life. But she could never ignore Jay.
Jay thought for a second. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to convince her, he just knew that he had to. "If they don't know, they can't treat you. And if something is wrong and I stood by and let it happen-" Just like he stood by and let it happened, Jay thought. "I don't think I could forgive myself. So please, just do this for me."
Erin let out a long, deep breath. She didn't want to admit that he was right. She knew the way that these things had to go. "Can you-"
"Sure," he nodded frantically. She hadn't even had to finish her sentence. "Anything you need, Erin."
"Thank you."
"I'll be back in a second," Jay replied softly. He wanted to hold her.
He turned away, his eyes lingering on her for a moment more than they should have. He was almost at the door when Erin opened her mouth again. "Jay?"
He spun around instantly. "Yeah?"
"Not Will."
Jay nodded. He turned away again, pulling the curtain that his brother had drawn in front of the door across before he opened it. Will was standing a few feet away from him, leaning anxiously against the counter and tapping his pen against the chart that was in his hand. He was different from Jay in a lot of ways, but they were both as restless as each other at times such as that. He stopped immediately when he saw the detective.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah," Jay nodded slowly. The ER was bustling around them both. He could see the curious eyes of a few of Will's colleagues around them, but he tried to ignore them. If he didn't get it all out then, then he never would. He just didn't know where he was supposed to start. "Is it okay if we can get another doctor?" Will frowned confusedly. "A female doctor."
Will's eyes widened slightly. He had been able to guess what had happened, but it was another thing having his suspicions confirmed. "That's fine."
"I don't know what the protocol for..." Jay trailed off.
"It's okay," Will assured him. "Erin's going to need the morning after pill, a HIV cocktail, STD prophylaxis and a pelvic exam." He was rhyming the words off without a second thought. He hadn't even considered what impact the words were going to have on his older brother. "Right?"
"Right," Jay nodded, leaning against the counter beside him. He was struggling to keep himself standing.
"And a rape kit," Will sighed. "You need to find the bastard that did this."
"He's already dead."
Jay couldn't help but feel like he'd betrayed her regardless of the fact that she had let him go. It was hard enough for him to verbalise it all, he couldn't even begin to imagine how she was feeling. Erin didn't deserve any of it. And it was his fault.
I am so overwhelmed! Thank you so much for all of your feedback. It means the word to me, honestly. So please keep letting me know what you think and what you want to see. I'm trying to improve my writing in amongst university applications and senior year stress, so seeing that it's liked is more than appreciated.
A/N I started a twitter account, please don't hesitate to come talk! jophiaslove /jophiaslove