July 28, 1991

I feel as though I have been struck by a gale force wind, and I have no idea how to even write this, so I'll do the best I can. Today, I saw someone... no, that won't work. How on earth do you begin to describe a moment like this?

We went to the race today. We had special tickets near the front, and Papa kept disappearing to introduce himself to his new racers, make sure the logos were visible, and similar things. Yuki was excited, but Mama seemed really put off by the loudness of the crowd. We sat with other high-ranking people from the company, and Ken-san seemed very excited to see us. It's been a long time since we had dinner with him and he seemed surprised to find that Yuki and I had grown so much. His son was there, and he and Yuki got along well, but I didn't appreciate the way he kept looking at me.

The race itself went well. Papa's top prospect was a young 'man' named Haruka Tenoh, who was my age and the youngest competitor there. This was his first formal race in the junior league, but from what Papa told us he already had quite the reputation. As I watched his car, I was struck by the absurd notion that he raced like someone who was running away from something - all wild talent and adrenaline, but not yet the maturity to control it. He placed third, and even from a distance, without seeing his face, I could tell he was very disappointed.

Afterward, Papa brought us down to introduce us to him and two other racers whose names I cannot recall. They hardly matter anyway.

All that matters is Haruka.

From the moment I saw him, I was instantly sure of two things: 1. That he was, in fact, female, and 2. That I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life.

It was an absolutely terrifying feeling. I had no idea what to think of it - the first person I really wanted, and she was a girl? - so before we got there, I made an excuse and hurried away. I watched from the shadows as Papa introduced my family to her, butterflies racing in my stomach. I nearly felt sick, and I definitely felt dizzy.

And now, as I sit here writing this, I still have no idea what to write, what to think, how to act. I have been brought up to be a lady, the perfect daughter of a rich CEO whose destiny was to be married to the wealthy son of a similarly well-bred family and become the perfect wife. For a long time I have suspected that this was not the life I would choose, but today any last semblance of the dream my parents have for me was shattered. I can never be that person, and I have no idea if they can be happy with a daughter who is anything else.

I won't tell them. Not now. It's too new, too sudden, and I have no idea what to say. I will go about life normally, and I will see what the future holds.

But I need to figure out a way to see her again. Soon.