A/N: Gibbs's POV, we'll get to Tony in the next chapter. Part 3 coming soon.
Warning: depressing thought of suicide and past mentions of self harm.
The air was surprisingly cool in the middle of the quad on the Navy base. The park where he was sitting in was a good a place as any to sit and think or shoot the breeze with your friends and your family. Like he had any of those left.
Sipping his coffee, he gave off the image of a middle aged man people watching while on a coffee break. To those who knew him from the military, he was on guard, always hyper-vigilant. It was a habit he couldn't break when he came home from overseas and he had accepted that it wasn't going away anytime soon.
While he sat there, absorbed in his thoughts, he thought about the past. Thinking about the past usually put him in a depressive mood only cured with booze and quiet sanding in the basement. He thought about what caused him to be this way.
He guessed that it was inevitable. The nightmares, sometimes night terrors, waking up in a cold sweat breathing harshly trying to get oxygen back into his deprived lungs was too much to handle sometimes. Then there would be the delusions that he was back in the desert and he would take his coat off in twenty degree weather because he thought it was over one hundred.
Jethro slowly reached up to rub a hand over sternum close to his heart. An echo of an old pain shot through his chest when he thought of those nights after his first deployment. He had been young, married to Shannon at the time. He had gone to sleep one night and had woken up to Shannon screaming at him to stop. He had froze and focused on what he was doing. He had his left hand wrapped around her throat and his KBAR in his right ready to use it if necessary. He didn't know how the knife had gotten in the bed with him. One look at Shannon's face though, seeing the fear in her eyes, fear because she was afraid of him made him run into the bathroom and throw up. He heaved his guts up so bad that night he thought he would get an ulcer.
That was the night he cut himself for the first time.
Jethro had slept on the couch for the next month or so until Shannon dragged his ass back to bed and forgave him. He swore it would never happen again. It would be a promise he kept for the next thirty years.
By this time, Jethro had finished his coffee and reflected on his little girl, Kelly. His precious angel.
He had been deployed when Shannon had found out she was pregnant so he had basically missed the entire pregnancy. The doctor's appointments, the baby kicking, his wife glowing, and the birth. He missed it all and he would never get it back. When he came home that time, he was hit with culture shock because he couldn't comprehend that the three month old baby in his wife's arms was his.
For a while he had refused to hold Kelly because he had the silent fear that he would hurt her if he ever had one of his "episodes". He was left to sink or swim when Shannon had decided to go shopping on her own and left Kelly with him. It was a learning experience. Shannon had come home later that evening to him and Kelly asleep in the rocking chair and when she tried to take her from his arms, she had gotten a gun in her face in return. He admitted only to himself that he didn't feel like a good dad to Kelly because he was only the man that made her mama cry when he left.
One of his strongest memories was the last time he saw his girls and Kelly pleading for him to not go. It would be the subject of his nightmares for the next five or so years until it resurfaced after the second coma. He had so much guilt on top of survivor's guilt and the nightmares that it was a wonder that he hadn't killed himself on the beach. That would be the second time he cut himself.
Marrying Diane was probably one of the stupidest mistakes he had ever made. Yes, he was drunk when he proposed. It was a bad time in his life, he had been alone for up to three years by then and he figured if he met a nice woman and married her, then she would stay with him. He thought wrong. Diane had decided to quit her job at the time and it was on him to bring home the bacon. So he worked more hours to get the pay needed to provide for her like a good husband should. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. She complained when he didn't come home to spend time with her enough and hell, she complained when he wouldn't have sex with her. How could he when he had just gotten off a sixteen hour shift working a fucking crime scene in the goddamn rain? When they did have sex, the put downs got worse. The most harsh was that his dick was too damn big. It was a low blow to his already crumbling ego so for the rest of their marriage he did his husbandly duty then got the hell out before she could say anything while coming down from her orgasm high.
He wound up sleeping on the couch for a majority of their marriage. When she asked for kids, he shut her out and shut down. He didn't talk to her for a while. So he was taken by surprise when she whapped him in the head with the golf club knocking him out and ripped him off. She didn't get away with much because he had little in the bank from being a junior agent and her spending it. What money he did have he had stashed around the house in places she would never look. He should have had her arrested for assault of a federal officer, domestic violence (if possible), domestic (spousal) abuse (verbal abuse didn't really count at the time even though she used Shannon and Kelly against him to get what she wanted), but he didn't because 1)she knocked him out from behind and he had felt so stupid for letting his guard down, 2)he was embarrassed and 3)he felt he deserved it. When he signed the divorce papers, that was the night he cut himself for the third time.
Jethro came up from his memories long enough to register his surroundings. It seemed he was the only one in the area. Good, he could have some peace and quiet for a little while longer.
He reached into his coat pocket to grab his phone. He flipped it open to see if there were any messages for him. There weren't any. He checked the time. 1600. He could stay for an hour or so more. He trusted Tony to lead for a while even if they were only doing paperwork.
He ran a shaky hand through his hair. At his age, it was almost all the way a silvery gray with some dark gray in the back. His hair was left long on top parted down the middle similar to the high and tight from when he was back in the Marines. The only difference was from then to present day was that the sides and back were left at a half an inch in length. He knew that most of his colleagues thought that his haircut was weird and awful but he had an ulterior motive for fixing it that way. He used the fingers of his right hand to find what he wanted on the back of his head. There, he found it. On the occipital lobe there was currently a cacophony of scars criss-crossing the back of his head from the injuries he sustained over the years. He kept his hair long because he didn't want anyone to freak out when they saw them and to keep them from asking a bunch of stupid questions that he would never be in the mood to answer. On the left side of the lobe next to his ear was the scar from Diane and on the right was the scar from Stephanie.
Keeping with the order of his memories, he focused on his second ex, Rebecca. They had met at a bar of course. She seemed nice and eventually they ended up in bed together. Typical. He knew she had come from a somewhat wealthy family and they had married about six months after meeting. Mike Franks had retired at the time and Jethro was left with no team. He had volunteered to go on Black Ops missions instead in Europe and used the cover of Agent Afloat the USS Ronald Regan. He never realized that Rebecca's drinking had gotten worse until he came home to find her in bed with that scumbag lawyer of hers. And she had the gall to use him as her attorney in the divorce proceedings. The divorce was finalized a month or so after Jethro had caught Kyle Boone, his first high profile case as a lead agent instead of being in the shadows of the Fed Five as a probie. Ducky actually accused him of not spending enough time with Rebecca and that it was his obsession that led to the failure of the marriage. He didn't bother to tell him about the affair. It wasn't worth it.
He wasn't even going to start on Jenny even if she wasn't an ex wife. His memories were still fuzzy on some of the details from the op in Eastern Europe. There were just some things that he would rather forget than relive. He would always remember that she was great undercover, but always hot and cold with him when they were stateside. After she had left him behind in Paris to further her own career, Ducky had introduced him Stephanie. It was too soon after Jenny and he guessed he was just a glutton for punishment. So he married her. He was deployed on an op in Moscow and Stephanie went with him. He had crossed paths with Jenny again and saved Callen's ass all while fulfilling his mission. Their marriage lasted a year and a half. He knew she wanted to have kids and was feeling envious because her sister in Philly had a hoard of them. He couldn't do it. At least they had parted on somewhat civil terms after she came at him with a bat.
Sweat trickled down his face from the heat. It was made worse because he was wearing a sport coat. He didn't care as long as the scars on his arms were covered. He grimaced at the phantom pain he felt and had to calm his breathing because he knew that in reality the pain wasn't there, but his mind did not know that. Rubbing the arm up and down, he resolved to finish his reminiscing so he could return to the office with a clear head.
October 2001. Baltimore.
Jethro had grown out his hair while in Moscow and didn't have time to cut it before he was assigned a money laundering case that lead him to go undercover in Baltimore. He thought he was doing pretty well too for being fresh from a Black Op until he got spotted by those detectives. He had to think on his feet and took off running. He decided to get arrested to build street cred, but he could have run faster than that. He wasn't the fastest in his graduating class at boot camp for nothing.
The detective at the time, DiNozzo, was all brash and just out there in your face. Jethro could see behind that and found that beyond the playboy was a decent man. A man that could one day be a great agent.
He rolled with that thought and brought the man to NCIS and the rest was history.
Thinking back, Jethro didn't remember when he thought there could have been something more than friendship between them. It could have been after Kate died. It could have been after Jethro got back from Mexico. Hell, he didn't know. What he did know was that he felt calmer in the man's presence. Like Tony had held the rage back from taking over his being. After Tony's first year, what everyone didn't know was that the two men had begun to hang out after work. It was like a weekly thing between them until Kate came along. They didn't spend much time together like they used to building their friendship.
The relationship that had been halted progressed towards a more intimate relationship when Tony had the plague. Jethro remembered the anger he felt at the time and thought he was going to loose it in another "episode", but he fought its hold on him until he could get to Tony. He remembered blue lights making Tony look like death warmed over, but he felt such sweet relief that his lifeline, his Tony, was still alive. When he went home that night, he threw himself on his bed and cried himself to sleep for the first time since he was a kid. The peaceful sleep brought on by the emotional release took a dark and twisted turn into one of the worst night terrors he had ever had. He woke up covered in sweat and a sore throat from yelling. He knew he had come close to pissing himself that night. He knew blue lights would become a trigger from then on.
Jethro had gone back to the hospital and taken care of everything for Tony so he wouldn't have had anything to worry about. He had even stayed with him in his apartment taking care of him. He would have denied that he was clingy at the time because Marines don't cling. He would admit that Tony was the only thing that could calm him down.
Jethro looked down at his hands. They were beginning to shake again. He guessed his body was reacting to the memories because of what happened next.
Kate dying right in front of them. A bullet hole in the center of her forehead. Blood covering Tony's face. The smell of blood and gunpowder hanging in the air. Shock at what the fuck had just happened and relief that it wasn't Tony. The rest of the day was a blur, but it went regular speed again when Ari had shot at Abby. He remembered adrenalin running through his veins, rage coming at the forefront ready to lash out on a hair trigger. Especially at bureaucratic assholes who hide behind their superiors while trying to save their asses. They were too scared to face a little ole gunny who knew the truth all along.
After Ari had been disposed of and Kate's funeral was over, Jethro found Tony at a bar and took him home. They had grieved in each other's arms for the next few days.
The second coma was the next road bump in their relationship. When he had woken up, Jethro was confused and a little scared. Those doctors kept asking him rapid fire questions and he couldn't answer them without ripping someone's throat out in retaliation. He had just wanted everything to go away. Jenny had kept hounding him for information he knew he had and everyone wanted him to remember them. It was just too much. He remembered Tony coming in the room and just sitting there, saying nothing, just being there and holding his hand while he sorted through his memories and grieved for a second time. He didn't remember who Tony was at the time, but his calming presence was the only thing keeping the wolves at bay.
When he finally did remember what he was supposed to know, it was too late. Nineteen dead and the attack covered up just to save face. He knew running away was the coward's way out, but it was the only thing he could do to counteract the anger and disgust at the higher ups. he just couldn't do it anymore.
When he was packing up that night to head to Mexico, Tony had stopped by to help him pack. They didn't say a word to each other until it was time for him to leave for the airport. They were standing on the porch, door locked and bags at Jethro's feet, waiting for the cab. He had turned and grabbed Tony into a crushing body hug, taking the younger man by surprise.
"I'm sorry." he whispered into the man's neck.
Tony hugged him back. "Don't be. Do what you got to do to come back."
Fast forward a secret undercover operation that left Tony a train wreck and Jethro was able to pick up the pieces again. He had taken Tony someplace safe away from busybody coworkers, the CIA, the FBI, and Jeanne. They had wound up cuddled up in bed again, their go to method of comfort whenever one or the other was feeling out of sorts. The exploding car on the screen became another trigger.
When Jenny died and Tony was Agent Afloat, Jethro had lost his lifeline to sanity. He had three new members to train and a forensic scientist who would not stop hounding him to get his agents back. He nearly blew a gasket that time. The nightmares had come roaring back only Tony was the center of them. They were mostly of him getting killed in the crossfire. When Tony came home from Caracas, Jethro took him back to his place and mumbled something along the lines of not getting enough sleep while making sure Tony was comfortable.
The first time they had sex wasn't until after Somalia. It was messy and dirty with the desert sand still in some places, but it was a release needed to make them believe they were both alive. That started their physical relationship.
They soon became a couple with the pretense of being open ended because they knew there would be times they would have to sleep with people for information. EJ Barrett and Samantha Ryan came to mind.
The next couple of years came with a terrorist bombing and cartel revenge with a side of an investigation by the DoD. Whoopee.
After the loss of Ziva and his father, Jethro felt better about his relationship because they had decided to become exclusive. No more worrying about if Tony wanted to back out. But with the holiday the next day, Jethro was a little apprehensive about what would happen when he finally told Tony his biggest secret, his secret shame.
The sun was starting to set over the park leaving behind rays of gold and red. Jethro looked down at his watch for the time. 1700. He'd waited long enough. He got up from the bench, stretched his legs, breathed a sigh, and walked back to the office. Time for more coffee, report reading, and waiting for his world to crumble all around him.