Disclaimer: Smoke weed every day.

"Day 92 of the World's Greatest Christmas Party begins today!" cheered Wario to his house guests, before ripping off his pants and smashing his fist against a big red button on his radio. The Space Jam theme song proceeded to rock the house, or maybe it was Wario's dancing, but his house guests seemed perfectly prepared to keep doing what they were doing.

The Villager smiled from a pile of leaves. They were his many presents, and he was up to ninety-one so far, one for each day of the party to come before. He did not move, but rather, he smiled.

Doctor Mario's beer belly had grown tremendously, and it now poked out of the Let's Get Hammered Mario t-shirt he had been wearing for three months now. His moonwalk was abysmal, though it did earn the honor of being the best dance in the house.

The Duck Hunt Dog showed up one day, and rather than question it, the other guests just kind of accepted it. He didn't really do much of anything notable, but his presence was a thing.

"This just in," came a voice, almost entirely drowned out by the music.

"Did you hear that?" asked Wario, turning down Space Jam. "What is that?"

"It's my police radio you got me!" said the Villager with a smile, holding up a leaf.

"Four prisoners have escaped the Pika Prison and are on the loose," said a man on the other end of the leaf radio. "Please be on the lookout for Captain Falcon, Wolf, Lucario, and Marth. These four are known commonly as the Asshole Squad, and they are highly dangerous. Please call the Pika Police if you spot them."

"Whoa..." said Wario. "Those guys are dangerous?"

#2: PIKA PRISON, PART 2

The Asshole Squad's escape was the talk of the prison. The time machine materialized out of midair and crushing Brick to death was far less impressive, mostly because the prisoners could not believe that out of everybody that had attempted to escape, Captain Falcon was one of the first to succeed. Not only were they shocked his stupidity did not completely destroy any and all plans of success, but they were otherwise celebratory that he was no longer around to keep them up at night.

Fox, Meta Knight, Ike, and Snake were dubbed the 3T4: Time Traveling Team Four, basically. The 3T4 strongly suspected absolutely no work went into the name at all, and they were completely ignored by prisoners and wardens alike following their imprisonment. Thrown into the cell the Asshole Squad left behind, they found that their cell door was broken and the Pika Police wardens were going to do nothing to fix it. Because of this, they were not allowed to attend lunch—lucky them. Aside from their weapons, the 3T4 were pleased nothing was confiscated from them. Ike and Snake were grateful they got to hold onto their comic collections, though Meta Knight and Fox were annoyed by the debate this led to.

"No way, RC Comics is king," said Snake. "Pooperman, Scatman, Green Canteen, they're just way cooler."

"I'm telling you Snake, Astound runs the comics game," Ike said. "Doctor Eccentric, Iron Hand, Cobalt Man, and Captain Murrica are more believable personality types in more challenging situations. Not to mention they have better colors and lettering."

"Yeah, but the art style is all wrong. Plus, they cross over way too much," Snake said. "Whatever happened to old fashioned self-contained solo runs?"

"They died out when the basement dwelling nerds who wrote them realized other people actually exist," Ike snapped.

"Can you guys not do this?" asked Meta Knight. "We need to get out of here fast."

"Yeah, my time machine is gonna get compacted in an hour and we really can't let that happen," said Fox. "Our only option is to get to it."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," Ike said. "Really wish we could get some food. I don't plan well on an empty stomach."

"Well fellas, I found the solution to our problem!" Snake exclaimed. The other three looked over to him as he lifted one of the mats off the floor.

"You know a way out?" asked Fox.

"No, I found some food!" Snake said. "Check it out!" It was true. Beneath the mat was a loose brick, and beneath that, two dozen one-pound bags of Nookington Sunflower Seeds, Peanuts, and Chocolate Pretzels.

"What are these doing here?" asked Fox.

"Waiting for us to eat them!" answered Ike, grabbing and mutilating a bag in one loud tear. Peanuts spilled all over the floor, but that didn't stop Ike from eating them, shell and all.

"No, not that!" said Fox. "I mean, those are from Nookington's. Those aren't allowed in a prison, especially in such high supply. So how'd they get here?"

"Someone must have smuggled them in," said Meta Knight.

"Good start," said Fox. "Someone that stayed in this cell, I imagine. Let's look around and see what we can find." They began to feel around the walls and floor, looking for anything that might help them.

"Found some condoms," said Meta Knight. He held one up. "It's filled with mayonnaise."

"I don't think that's mayonnaise," said Fox grimly. Ike reached over and stuck his finger in it, before tasting.

"No, it is," confirmed Ike with a nod, before returning to the hunt.

"One with ketchup… Relish… I think that's Falcon Punch… Dingo blood… Wii soda… Urine from a dragon bear that just finished a pina colada from the fourth realm of the intergalactic rain cosmos…" Meta Knight said. "The entire line of liquids from Nookington's, plus those new government-funded condoms they hand out at the pharmacy."

"Whoa, hey, those are the ones with the expiration dates on the end," said Fox. "Unroll it all the way." Meta Knight did so.

"Good for another four months," he said.

"That means they're fairly new," said Fox. "Someone who was here recently put them here. But who?"

"Captain Falcon," answered Meta Knight, holding up a book.

"What makes you say that?" asked Fox.

"Escaping from Prison for Dumbass Pilots," said Meta Knight. "This was practically made for him. Lucas and Toon Link are making obscene gestures in a photo here. Definitely meant for Captain Falcon." He closed the book with a resounding pop.

"I don't understand," said Fox. "The guy just escaped with his friends. If he had a way out of here, why wasn't he taking it?"

"Don't you guys watch the news?" asked Snake.

"No," answered Meta Knight.

"Nope," agreed Ike and Fox.

"Yeah, me neither," Snake replied. "But I did overhear Tom Nook complaining that someone had been breaking into his store to steal things at night. Nobody actually figured out who was doing it since there were no fingerprints on any windows or doors or anything. The locks were untouched."

"Does that mean what I think it means?" asked Fox.

"That Nook adjusts his prices to compensate for the fact that he gets robbed nightly?" replied Ike.

"No!" Fox said. "There's a tunnel to the inside of Nookington's! Probably hidden in this cell somewhere!"

"I believe you're right," said Meta Knight, breaking free a section of the floor. Beneath it was a large hole, decorated with Christmas lights that adorned the dirt walls. There were several footholds on the way down.

"Let's get out of here, then," said Fox. He paused. "You know, that just seems a little convenient. We need to get out, there is a tunnel in this particular cell. It's almost like a more complicated plot line couldn't be bothered to have gotten itself written." The other three didn't know how to take the newfound meta.

The four allies marched through the tunnels in a line at a brisk pace. There was little time for small talk with the growing threat of a compacted time machine.

"How long is this tunnel going to go on for?" asked Snake.

"About ten feet," said Meta Knight. "We're here." Above them was a 2x2 arrangement of plain white floor tiles, with light barely seeping into the spaces between those tiles and the surrounding floor.

"Give me a boost," requested Meta Knight. Ike easily lifted him to the appropriate height, and Meta Knight weaseled his way into the store. The other three, much taller, quickly joined him.

"What are you four doing here?!" came a cry. They turned around and saw Tom Nook, murder in his eyes, brandishing a knife.

"I can explain!" said Ike. Tom Nook looked at him. "Let me explain."

"Go on.." urged Tom Nook.

"Um."

"I take it you're the ones who have been stealing from me?" asked Tom Nook.

"No actually!" said Ike. "That was Captain Falcon!"

"A likely story," said Tom Nook.

"No, really!" Ike protested.

"Oh no, I believe you," said Tom Nook. "He's a problem." The others nodded and muttered their agreement.

"Sorry to disturb you," said Meta Knight. "We'll get out of your store." He began to move forward. Tom Nook waved the knife in his general direction.

"Not so fast," Nook said. "Why are you here?"

"We found a tunnel from Pika Prison and followed it," said Ike. Fox shot him a sideways glance.

"Pika Prison, huh?" asked Tom Nook. "What were you doing there?"

"We were pri-"

"Visiting our friends Marth and Lucario!" interrupted Fox. "Yeah. That's what we were doing. 100%. It's the truth."

"Nobody was pressing further," noted Tom Nook.

"Yeah, those last few confirmations were really suspicious," whispered Snake.

"I don't suppose you'll mind if I call Pika Prison to confirm this, then?" asked Tom Nook, setting the knife down beside the phone he began to reach for.

"That won't be necessary," said Meta Knight.

"It might not be," said Tom Nook nefariously. "If you give me a reason not to make this call."

"We can uh… pay you?" suggested Ike. Another sideways glance hit him like a curtain of beads (you see, you push the beads aside but then when you move past they still hit you).

"Oh, is that so?" asked Tom Nook. His fingers moved from the phone to a questionable looking device nearby. In almost a blink of an eye, he quickly moved past them, delivering a quick pain to their index fingers as he moved down the line. The four of them looked to their fingers in unison, seeing beads of red. Nook returned the prick to the table.

"That's just an infection waiting to happen…" muttered Meta Knight.

"I'll need some signatures on this contract," Nook revealed, producing a long piece of paper that had been waiting for them a long time. There appeared to be a list of blood signatures on individual lines, including Villager, Tortimer, and Wario. Villager's name had a checkmark next to it, while Tortimer's was violently crossed out. At the top of the page, there was a single highlighter mark through the phrase "39,800 bells." Upon quickly skimming, Fox realized this was a contract demanding payment.

"What the hell is a bell?" asked Meta Knight as he read.

"That's obvious…" answered Snake. "Little things you ring when it's time for dinner." The others swore his eyes were watering as he answered.

"I don't know if we can sign this," Fox said.

"That's to be expected," said Tom Nook. His hand moved back for the phone.

"Without a table!" added Fox hastily. Tom Nook produced a leaf from his pocket, dropping it. In an explosion of smoke that sounded like uncomfortable apples, a ping pong table appeared before them. Fox moaned and leaned over to produce a bloody signature with his finger.

Pika Prison's sirens were wailing, and patrol cars were on the move. Evidently some prisoners had escaped, and the Pikachus were out searching the area to find them.

Wario was on his bike, making his way towards Nookington's. The party wasn't over, but rather it had hit a snag. They were out of cream corn! Like any good host, Wario hopped on his bike and went off in search of more. Like any bad citizen, he rammed someone on the way over. He went another hundred feet before he noticed the bloody severed head of a Pikachu in his lap, and turned to look back. The rest of the Pikachu laid at the end of a long red trail of death, despair, and incrimination. As Wario turned and looked back, he slammed into the side of a Pika Police car. Soaring through the air, Wario left his bike on the ground and took to the clouds. Gunshots rang out beneath him, though he had no control over his momentum as he so perfectly evaded bullets that ascended to meet their fallen Pikachu. Like Wario, they fell back to the earth, as they had been going the wrong way.

Wario slammed into the ground with such force that an eruption of dirt sprung outwards in a mighty wave of gritty clouds. A troop of Pikachus gathered in the area had been temporarily halted by the blast, though they closed in once it subsided. As Wario groaned and made his way back up the walls of the hole he had created, he was greeted with the barrels of at least two dozen guns.

When the 3T4 realized the patrol was getting a little out of hand, they hurried along to Snake's house. Taking special care not to be seen, they were able to get a good look at the Pika murder that had accidentally been committed by Wario.

"Seems like two birds with one stone," muttered Meta Knight. Snake had appeared at the door of his shed, and quickly pulled out a key from a questionable location. With a brief fumble beforehand, he opened the lock and the door. Several items appeared before them, including grenade launchers, pistols, and cardboard boxes.

"Alright, now what?" asked Meta Knight as he armed himself with a Bowie knife.

"Now we get back to Pika Prison," suggested Fox.

They had about twenty minutes to spare, but that didn't stop them. The four friends loaded up on ammo and weaponry and set out towards the prison. Almost immediately, the Pika Police were upon them. Snake quickly blasted the gas tank of a patrol car with his grenade launcher, setting off a chain explosion of cars. Several townspeople cheered from the porches of their homes. The remaining Pika Police shut them up by shooting at or near them, forcing them to either bleed out their innards or take cover inside.

Ike shot the pistol out of one Pikachu's hand, then the hand off that Pikachu.

"Have we ever achieved this level of gore?" asked Meta Knight.

"No, but what I think is happening here is that our story is attempting to find its strengths," answered Fox.

"What are you talking about?" asked Meta Knight.

"Well, in some mediums, murder and violence so freely committed would be considered a grand tragedy," Fox said. "You know, like Schindler's List or basically anything else involving Nazis. But with us, everything is funny (well, sometimes). So to see senseless murder happen in spectacular ways for us is nothing more than just a really dark joke. There might be a lot of it if it's well-received." He blasted three Pikachus with one bullet.

"Right… How are we not getting shot?" wondered Meta Knight.

"Convenience of the story, mostly," said Fox. "Anyway, maybe if I do this then something awesome will happen." Before Meta Knight could ask what he meant, Fox jumped over a police car and began to shoot down Pikachu after Pikachu. He ducked under bullets before throwing himself over a nearby fence. It was the Pokemon Trainer's house. Fox knew it by all the dead Pokemon in the yard, shot by Pikachus in rage. To his right was the prize he was after: a bike. Hopping on, he took off towards the prison.

"I gotta get the time machine now!" shouted Fox. "You guys meet me there!" He quickly pedaled off towards the prison, occasionally throwing bullets by means of handgun. Pikachus occasionally threw bullets by means of similar handguns. Neither side had much luck in the battle.

That is, until a patrol car ran Fox over and completely destroyed the bike he was on, while pinning his right leg beneath the front tire.

TO BE CONTINUED

A/N: College has just started so writing may be a little slow after the next chapter, but expect the conclusion to this serial tomorrow.