A/N – For those of us who still need catharsis after the finale episode. Thanks to MickeyBoggs for checking this one over.
Disclaimer – They don't belong to me.
Enjoy.
When tragedy strikes you are never prepared. But you get through it by holding onto a belief that the worst is over. That things can only get better. And so we face our harsh reality head on, bracing out the storm, waiting for the calm that will eventually settle in its place. Sometimes, the rain thrashes down, and the wind whips around for much longer than we originally anticipate. But we take comfort in the knowledge that behind the dark clouds, casting their shadows on the world, the sun still shines brightly regardless. And the light will find its way through. Maybe just a little a first, but it is a beacon of hope. That first ray of light.
"Who are you?"
Now as I stand here beside you, anxious to hear you speak again, your eyes look at me... through me... Not warm, and no longer reassuring, as I struggle to catch the breath I hadn't realised I'd lost. Did I just hear your words correctly? I had come to believe that you know me better than I know myself sometimes. And now you don't seem to know me at all.
I wonder for a moment if this is some cruel game. But I know you better. And I know that it is true.
This is the harshest of realities.
"You don't remember?" I ask, cautiously, slowly, as the implications of this cruel twist of fate begin to unfold in my mind.
Still, you stare coldly at me. I tell myself that you do not mean to cause this pain in my heart. That this is nothing more than unfortunate circumstances, and like many before us faced with challenges, we must adapt and assimilate to our situation to survive.
"No," you admit eventually, with a slight shake of your head. And I feel my heart sink to my stomach as I realise that everything I planned to say, that I wanted to tell you, is now meaningless.
"I... should let them know. That you are awake." My words are empty. An excuse to leave you here alone. As much as I want to be by your side, the bitter truth spinning in my head dictates my need for solitude. I will not allow myself to cry in front of you. I have remained strong since your hallucination in the interrogation room. I can manage a few moments longer.
I stumble out into the corridor, alerting a passing nurse to your wakefulness, and hurry to the sanctity of the restrooms, as the tears that I'd bitten back for so long begin to fall freely, ignorant of my wishes.
For four days, as you lay there sleeping, I compartmentalized my emotions, just as I have many times before. On this occasion I took the written word as my strength. Directing my energies into a creative medium allowed me the chance to explore my own feelings and examine how my needs and desires have grown and matured in the time we have been partners.
Partners.
It felt like more. And as I think about it I feel envy towards the characters that came to life on my laptop.
This man. This woman.
I could erase the image on the screen. The image in my mind is less forgiving.
I have been awakened. And it is too late.
*****
Standing tall, I peer through the glass to see the doctors explaining to you your current condition. I see the focus and concentration you muster yet despite your restricted movements you spot me in your peripheral vision and I wonder if your military training has some precedence here. Do you know who you are? Or is it only me you have forgotten? Unwittingly, I find myself offering out to the universe my hopes that you at least remember your son. Every child needs to be remembered and thought of.
Slowly and quietly I make my way to your side once more, listening intently to the medical opinions that are a statistical likelihood. Guilt overwhelms me as I realise that I should have stayed by your side. It was selfish of me to leave you alone when you are still so lost. I reach out and take your hand in my own, caressing it tenderly. And soon we are alone once more. I wonder what to say, but you speak first.
"Were we in love?"
Your seemingly innocent question stuns me into silence. Were we? Four days ago I had no rational understanding of the concept of love. Now I understand that love is not rational. It is not measurable or quantifiable.
It just simply is.
I have never been comfortable lying to anyone. Especially those I care about. Which is why it takes me so long to answer what should come instinctively.
"No."
Your eyes flicker briefly in response. I wish that I had the ability to read people as you do... did. But I wonder if I just saw disappointment there.
"I am not aware that you had any feelings for me beyond friendship," I offer by way of explanation.
Your memories of me... of us... are gone. Perhaps it is only temporarily. Perhaps not. But I have too much respect for you to tell you to love me.
I need you to realise that on your own. And accept that maybe you never will.
You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That's the burden.