Carla drifts off quickly, allowing Morpheus to reclaim her almost as soon as she has finished speaking. Ford... is not nearly so ready to return to his own dreams.

Stanford waits a few seconds longer to be sure that the woman in his arms is well and truly asleep. Ford presses his face against Carla's shoulder and inhales deeply. "I need you," he admits in a whisper, "I'd be a mess without you. ...A bigger mess." For a while, he allows himself to simply listens to Carla and Jason's even breathing. "I'm scared, Carla. I think I may have crossed a line I've been afraid of stepping over since we were teenagers." He swallows thickly and confesses, "I think I've fallen in love with you, and it terrifies me because I already know what your response would be if I let you know.

"I was telling the truth earlier. I can't be sure whether or not my most recent dreams are Bill's doing. The dreams themselves are pleasant enough, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't leave me shaken upon waking. I wouldn't put it past Bill to use such a tactic, but it's too easy to blame Cipher for anything I don't want to be responsible for. Honestly, it's more likely my own subconscious confronting me with all the desires I've always tried to ignore. ...And more that I didn't even know I wanted until I suddenly had them." Ford pulls his face away from Carla's shoulder and lets his eyes fall to rest on Jason. He gently runs his fingertips over one of his nephew's pudgy cheeks. "But... As much as I might wish otherwise..." Stanford withdraws so as to avoid waking the sleeping child. His hand finds Carla's own, instead, and his thumb brushes over the cheap wedding band that encircles her ring finger. "You're not really mine. Neither of you." Ford releases a shuddering breath and curls just a little tighter against Carla's back. "Sometimes it feels like you could be, though." He intertwines his fingers with hers despite the ring.

One bitter laugh escapes him. "I still can't believe you actually married the knucklehead. But then, I couldn't believe it when I found out that you had run away with him, either." Ford focuses on steadying his breathing for a few seconds. He's treading dangerously close to another breakdown, and he'll surely end up waking Carla if he lets things progress that far. He knows she wouldn't be upset with him for it - would even insist that was why she was here, with him, to begin with - but with Jason already waking her every few hours, Ford is determined not to disturb her rest further.

"I promise I'm still looking for Stanley," he says once he feels like he's back in control, "But I'm afraid of what might happen if I actually manage to track him down." He forces himself to take a deep breath in and release it before continuing. "I know, if it comes down to a choice between us, you'll choose Stan. Again. Always. I'm not sure what I'll do if that happens, if you leave.

"You know, I don't think I'd ever been jealous of Stanley until about half-a-year after you came into our lives and I had my eyes opened to the precarious position I was in. It felt like I'd been hit by a train that first time I really looked and suddenly realize how attracted to you I was, only to be immediately reminded that you already had someone else. Having a crush on a friend can be hell, especially when she's dating your brother, but I figured out how to manage it for the most part. Loving you is so much worse."

Ford sighs and reluctantly untangles their hands. "It's too easy to pretend the dreams are real," he says as he examines his bare left hand, "And that's just the problem: they mirror reality too closely." Stanford frowns.

He could close his eyes, go to sleep. He already knows what will be waiting for him if he does. There will be not one, but three doctorate diplomas from West Coast Tech framed and proudly displayed on the wall. There will be a ring on his finger. Carla will be his wife, and Jason, his son. And Stanley, though Ford is only peripherally aware of the fact while he is dreaming, is still living in Jersey: happy, and safe, and quite conveniently on the other side of the country where he can't sabotage any more of Stanford's life, either by accident or on purpose. And... Not much else (other than Bill Cipher's very existence) is any different from what has become Ford's day-to-day. A few details juggled, some technicalities changed, but, otherwise, nothing of consequence separates the dreams from reality. And therein lies the danger.

"I didn't mean to take you from Stan, but that's what happened. And without him here..." Another sigh. Ford fusses with the blankets for a moment before resettling behind Carla, both arms once more wrapped around her waist. "I'm living my brother's life in a lot of ways, even though I know I don't have the right to do so. I know you're trying to prevent that, but... You let me get away with too much, and I'm not about to impose such boundaries on myself if I don't have to. I should, but I know I won't. I'm selfish. A coward."

He studies the way Carla's curls catch the light spilling in from the hall. "I asked you if I was a bad person, but I suppose I just wanted you to tell me that I wasn't, regardless of the validity of such a statement. It's unreasonable to expect the correct conclusion to be reached with only half the relevant information, after all. I still haven't told you about the portal. Or what happened to Fiddleford. ...Or about the mind-control ties I made for the shadow government last week. I doubt you would have approved of those." Ford swallows thickly, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. "There're so many secrets I'm keeping from you at this point. I'm afraid of how you'd look at me if you found out the truth about any of them."

He doesn't get any more sleep that night, merely faking slumber whenever Carla wakes to feed her newborn son. Instead, Ford spends the time contemplating the ache in his chest that tells him everything good in his life doesn't belong to him. He knows Carla wouldn't be happy about that, either, if she knew.

Read the entire Dimension 297 series on Archive of Our Own: archiveofourown dot org slash series slash 457846