I Am Deidara

By A Clockwork Pumelo

Part of the "I Am Akatsuki" Series

Ahh, Deidara... the blond bomber extraordinaire! I love writing from his POV, because he's one of the easiest characters to make fun of, and one of the most easily misunderstood. Plus, he has gorgeous hair. I'm thinking of doing either Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu or Kisame next... anyone who votes gets cyber-cookies!

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. KISHIMOTO DOES.

Hi, I'm Deidara. I like to blow s*** up, because art is a blast! Actually, I just like to blow s*** up for the hell of it, but don't tell anyone... it'll ruin my mystique. I'm partnered with Sasori, otherwise known as Pinocchio or Mr. F***ing Impatient A**hole. But don't tell him that... he'll replace my explosive clay with wallpaper paste again, and I'll have to spend hours getting it out of my teeth, again. Did I mention that I have lots of mouths? Like, four of them, at least that I show in the anime, and that I have to brush their stupid little teeth every day to keep them from getting cavities? (Seriously, the last time I had a filling in my left-hand one, I had to have it numbed and I almost made it bite it's cute little tongue off!) And Kakuzu charges me an extra premium on dental insurance for each one? And don't even get me started on how much the damn things eat... Kakuzu takes that out of my meager salary too. F***ing miser...

So why don't I just sew the damn things shut like the one on my chest? Well, for one, my hand-mouths don't give me wicked-a** heartburn if I eat spicy foods with them (Note to self: I will never, ever, ever eat jalapeño poppers with my chest mouth again. Seriously, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack, and I'm not even thirty yet, not by a long shot). I also like to make them make out with each other... hehe, you should see people's faces when they watch that! For another, I'm a guy... and I have mouths on my hands. You do the math. Seriously, it's the best thing ever. I know what I want, they never bite me, and best of all I can switch to the other hand when one gets tired. Kablammy! Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be getting any from Konan, much less someone outside the Akatsuki, is it? I mean, Konan actually thinks I'm a chick, despite my obvious lack of breasts and the fact that she's walked in on me taking a bath at least half a dozen times so far. Granted, it was a bubble bath one time, but honestly, that woman must be freaking blind. Sometimes I wonder if I need to drop my pants and wave it around in her face to get her to realize that I AM A DUDE! Seriously, I may not be Stallion McHugejunk, but I still have something to be proud of... all six-and-a-half inches of it (if any of you lovely ladies must know). Seriously, I don't know why people think I'm a girl, just 'cause I wear eyeliner and have kicka** hair. And the whole calling Sasori my "master" thing? That's actually part sarcasm, partly because I lost a bet. Hint in life: Never, ever go up against Sasori at a game of dice unless you are also a puppet master. His chakra strings will screw you big time, in all orifices. Hmph.

Oh, and if you're a female around Rain Country and want some blond bomber lovin' just call up the Akatsuki Hideout at 1-800-RED-MOON and I'm sure we could arrange something. My hands are good for eating more than just food, if you get my meaning, hmmmm. ;-) Just bring some real food too for my hands to eat, because my left one already devoured my last can of Pringles as I wrote this.