Actually, we lied. We're not doing Voice Actor xD This is CC, bringing you the latest chapter of 'What if Matt was a: _____!' We hope to get in regular updates! :D

We're not doing voice actor because I ran out of ideas for it, so I did vet instead! Praise me (boss) xD There are some slight Bleach references, but it's fine if you don't get it. Added disclaimer on first chapter (because Saz forgot), and that one disclaimer will serve for the entire story. Thank you.

Now, what if Matt was a...

2. Vet
AU, new universe.

by Crimson Cupcake (TheAwesomeCoolPeopleTM)

The bell tinkled as the door below it was pushed open. The receptionist, who had currently been lying on the table, half-asleep and half-playing with his toys, looked up in interest. It was their first customer all day, and the receptionist hoped that it would be their last, by the looks of the customer.

Said receptionist twirled his white hair, glancing briefly at the blond who had entered the store. Finding him ordinary, the receptionist, who went by the name of Near N. River, turned his attention back to the robots and lego toys he had previously been playing with.

Said blond who had entered the store looking around with a frown. He was holding a cage, an in it an unhappy-looking bunny stared forward, occasionally hopping around the small space.

"Hey," the blond greeted.

Near looked up cynically. "Has your animal come to see the vet?" he asked quietly. Without waiting for an answer, he gestured towards the pen and paper lying on the table. "I'll just take down your name and details."

The customer set the cage down on the table and grabbed a pen, writing in a messy scrawl 'Mello M. Keehl'. It was barely readable, even to Near's sharp eyes, and he couldn't help frowning at the writing when 'Mello' finished.

He took the piece of paper and began to read from it in a monotonous voice. "Your name is Mello Keehl and you are a male of 17 and you live–."

"Yes, yes!" Mello said impatiently. "Now let me see the vet, would ya? Chappy's here for her annual check up."

"You'll have to wait a moment," Near replied boredly, although scowling at being interrupted. "The vet is currently very busy and –."

Twitch. "THERE ARE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS! LET ME SEE THE DAMN VET ALREADY!"

Near frowned. That was the second time he had been interrupted today, an in the period of a minute. He did not like being interrupted. "Right this way," he sighed dejectedly, slipping off his seat and slouching off. Mello grabbed Chappy's cage and followed into a room.

The room was dimly lit and rather strange, Mello thought. For one, it was dark and ominous and had strange pi-pi, piki-pi sounds coming from a corner—oh, wait. On closer inspection, there was a redhead sitting in the corner, pressing a hand-held game console of some kind. He looked up and saw the two people. Mello noticed orange goggles around his eyes and a cigarette between his teeth.

"Yo, customer?" he asked rather unnecessarily, hastily pausing his game. "Name's Matt. Matt Jeevas. And you are...?"

"Mello Keehl," the blond replied, rather stiffly.

"'s nice to meet ya, Mello," Matt grinned. "Thanks, Near, you can go now." With a nod in Near's general direction, the redhead placed his console (now that Mello was closer, he could see that it was a PSP) onto a nearby desk. As Near left, he closed the door, leaving an awkward silence behind.

"So! This is...your rabbit, I presume? Male or female?" Matt asked.

"She's a girl," Mello said stiffly.

"Ahhhhhhhhh." The redhead made a show of straightening his goggles and stroking a non-existent beard. "How old?"

"Three and a half."

"Name?"

"Chappy."

Matt nodded wisely, chewing on his cigarette. "Chappy the rabbit. Cool name. Alrighty. So we'll just get him out of the cage and...Oh, oops!" In his eagerness to see Chappy, he had accidentally ripped the hinge off the door, having attempted to open it from the wrong side. "Ehehe, my bad," he said sheepishly. "But now the cage is open now, isn't it?"

Mello fumed, taking out a bar of chocolate from his pocket. He loved chocolate. It was good for everything: food cravings, chocolate cravings, relieving stress, chocolate cravings, poisoning animals, chocolate cravings, becoming a mafia boss, chocolate cravings, being smart...did he mention chocolate cravings? No? Well, chocolate cravings.

"What happened to Mr. Lawliet, the old vet?" he asked venomously.

Matt shrugged indifferently. "Oh, L? He was always strange if you ask me. One day a kid called Light Yagami walked in and asked to talk to L. The vet was never seen again."

"Doesn't that sound a lot like a murder?" Mello accused.

"Nup," Matt said simply. "The kid didn't level up when he walked out."

"But was he carrying a body when he walked out?"

Matt stared. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "After you die, your body vanishes in three seconds! All you need to do is collect the drops, and killing L would've made ya level up any day."

"But—"

"So anyway, you can leave Chompy here with me and I promise he'll be fine and dandy when you pick him up next week."

Mello bit off a slab of chocolate in annoyance. "Her name's Chappy! She's a girl! And I have to wait a whole week?"

"Yup." Matt straightened his goggles again.

The fuming blond walked out.

Mello stared in horror at the horrible and horrific sight before him.

He had done exactly as Matt had said, leaving the bunny here, going home to have some hot chocolate, watching some TV before bed, and waiting a whole week before seeing his beloved Chappy again. Although, mind you, Mello did have a large number of pets in his house, and he didn't miss Chappy as much as he thought he would, but he still missed her a bit, and he was pretty pleased that the week was over because heck, he had not had a good week. His boss came and told him that there was a new worker called Light Yagami. The name was awfully familiar, but he couldn't place it. And then there was also the fact that Light Yagami had a black notebook and singlehandedly destroyed—ahem.

...Back to the horrible and horrific sight.

Mello stared in horror at the horrible and horrific sight before him.

Chappy was tap-dancing.

And no, he was not joking or high on chocolate. And he didn't even take drugs.

There his cute little rabbit was, wearing tap-dancing shoes and tapping out a rhythm in tune to the music coming from Matt's PSP. She was dressed in a pink frilly lace dress with a little bow on her head and...leather pants?

...What?

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" Mello screamed in horror, covering his eyes and ears at the same time. Or at least, he tried. "HOW COULD YOU – WHAT PERSON COULD DO SUCH A THING TO AN INNOCENT LITTLE RABBIT? OH MY DEAR CHAPPY!"

Matt, on the other hand, seemed rather pleased with his work. "He's brilliant, eh?" he grinned, pressing buttons furiously on his PSP. "I knew you'd love him."

There was a shocked silence.

Then Mello fainted.

Epilogue:

It should be known that after this chaotic incident, Mello cried for a week and donated Chappy over to a certain Kuchiki Rukia.

A/N:

Meh, crackier than what Saz writes xD All complaints for longer chapters can be put into a review. 8D We'll try and make 1k for each chapter (like this one) but ya know, writing 100 of them is pretty hard work.

We need motivation. Such as reviews.

I am now pointing not-so-discreetly at the review button. Do so. Now.

Next time: Fashionista! (this is subject to change)