Part 2: Catiel

Carth had been right. He had never seen Revan again, but had awaited news from every battle with a new dread, now. Always fearing that she would not come back. She always did.

Until the war was over, and he was returning home, to Telos, to Morgana and Dustil. And Revan disappeared, supposedly following the remains of the Mandalorian fleet.

It had been easier than he thought to return to Morgana. He did love her, and did still desire her. It wasn't like it had been with Revan, but it was enough to drive the thought of any other woman from his mind when they were together.

The thoughts always returned, though.

And then Revan did, too.

Only now she was Darth Revan, a Sith, attacking her former allies, and Carth found a new reason to hate himself.

He had loved this dark creature that was killing his friends.

He didn't think it could get any worse, and then Saul turned, and Telos fell. And he held Morgana when she died, and wept, and even then he could not stop thinking about Revan, about the Jedi he had known, not the Sith.

From then on he lived only for revenge. He was no match for Revan and Malak. But Saul he could kill. And he would, even if it ended his own life.

- - -

Another commission, another ship. He was only aboard Endar Spire as a consultant, and it was the first time since the Mandalorian wars that he was working so close with the Jedi.

One member of the delegation was a young brunette called Bastila who, according to the Fleet grapevine, was the one who had killed Darth Revan.

Carth still couldn't say how he felt about that. He wondered how he would feel, meeting the woman face to face, knowing he had killed the woman he loved—even if the woman had been a monster by then.

That was when he saw a very familiar face in the crew manifest.

He stared at the woman, unable to believe his eyes.

"Catiel Kin-Kari" read the file but that face was Revan's.

He needed to see her, to see her move, to hear her voice, to find out if he was crazy. Would she recognise him? What was she doing here? Spying? It didn't feel right.

Carth found her in the mess, sitting by herself, eating her meal in silence. She was dressed like all the other soldiers, and her hair was shorter than it had been when he last met her. He followed her when she got up to discard her tray.

It was her, alright. Her body, her movement… And she had been specially requested by the Jedi delegation, by the woman who had supposedly killed her.

Carth wanted answers, and he wanted them now.

- - -

"Ah, Commander Onasi, I've been looking forward to meeting you," Bastila Shan said when he found the Jedi.

"Likewise. Now, would you like to explain to me why Darth Revan is among our crew?" he said, not believing in skirting around the issue.

"How… how did you know?" No denial, then.

"I met her once, when she was Jedi Revan," Carth explained tersely.

Bastila sighed. "Sit down, this is a long story."

When she had finished, Carth couldn't decide what to ask first. "You mean… you wiped her mind? And programmed another personality into her?"

"Not… exactly. She almost died, her mind was damaged. I kept her alive, and somehow that formed a bond between us. The Jedi Council finished her healing, and… when she was getting better… convinced her that she was Catiel Kin-Kari, a soldier in the Republic Fleet, who had been in an accident. They… gave her some memories to enforce this belief."

"Gave her memories?"

"The Force is a powerful ally," Bastila said quietly.

"I say. No wonder the Sith are such formidable enemies. What if she regains her memories?"

"We… need her to remember just enough to aid us in finding out how to stop Malak, but not too much to let her become what she was, again. We hope that with my bond with her I can… guide her."

"You hope?"

"That is all we can do, Commander. Too much is at stake here."

"I'll say. She is dangerous."

And yet, yet… a part of him was happy that she was not dead, after all. He squashed that part violently, and glared at the Jedi in front of her.

"She's your responsibility, Jedi. If I see one sign of her former self, I will take action before she can regain her powers."

"I feel better you are in on this, Commander. The pressure of being the only one aware of her true personality has been… tough. Now I can share the duty of following her with you."

"Great."

- - -

When the Spire was under attack, Carth couldn't help but contact Rev… Catiel, and guide her through the crumbling ship. He wasn't really surprised when she was among the few who survived.

Being pressed close to her in the escape pod was nearly too much for him. His body remembered her closeness, too, and reacted instinctively to the softness of her against him. Luckily for him, she was unconscious by then.

He should hate her… he did, and yet…

He healed her, and then found himself working closely with her to discover Bastila, and a way out of Taris.

He found himself getting to know Catiel, to open up to her, and she was like she had been, and yet not – Catiel was just a soldier, she didn't have the Jedi training or reputation weighing her – and Carth found himself responding to her, even flirting…

And then he'd remember who she really was and pulled back so fast he could see her confusion. She thought he was paranoid when he couldn't trust her. If she only knew…

"I will not be betrayed again," he said, time and time again.

He told her about Saul, at some point. But he couldn't make himself mention Revan, and how personally he had taken her betrayal, too. He was wary of mentioning her name at all, in case it would make her remember, in case his voice gave something away.

He felt better when they found Bastila. At least he wasn't alone with the pressure anymore.

Then they were off the planet – largely due to Cati… Revan's efforts. He didn't know what to call her in his head, anymore. He couldn't call her Revan, it might slip out one day. But he couldn't call her Catiel either, because he couldn't let himself forget who she really was.

- - -

It got even harder when the Jedi Council decided to train her as a Jedi.

He yelled at Bastila that night. Were they insane? Train Darth Revan?

Bastila clammed up and went all Jedi on him.

He left in a huff and ran into Revan. Catiel.

She was afraid. Of the future, of her skills being enough, of training only to fall to the dark side.

That was when Carth truly believed Catiel was a real person. She was not Revan, not anymore. And maybe she didn't ever need to be.

That's when their friendship started to form, when he allowed himself to start open up to her, for real. After all, they were surrounded by Jedi. The pressure was not on him.

Of course, it all ended when the Council decided to throw them all to kath hounds and sent them to frolic around the galaxy hunting for 'Star Maps' with only Bastila to keep an eye on Revan.

His doubts flared up again, and he took them out on Revan. Again he could see she though he was paranoid. He longed to be able to explain, to take the confused hurt out of her eyes.

Then he admonished himself for becoming soft. He couldn't allow himself to care about Cati-Revan. Reviel. Cativan. The Mysterious Stranger of Taris' fight scene. Caring led to betrayal and loss. He didn't want to hurt anymore.

He would keep an eye on Revan and kill Saul if he got the chance. And he'd take down Catiel, too, if she ever showed signs of falling.

- - -

But she didn't. She was always good, brave, helpful, and so goddamn nice Carth wondered about the extent of the Jedi reprogramming. Bastila claimed they had done nothing about her character. The helping thing was all her.

But that just made it worse – if Revan had been like her, helpful and nice and still fallen… He couldn't trust Catiel. Couldn't care.

But she didn't know that, and kept working on him. It seemed to be important to her that Carth liked her, trusted her. Why? She seemed to like him, even though he usually didn't give her a reason to, by being awkward and paranoid.

Was that a part of what Revan had been, too? Had she… had she felt about him the way he had about her? Could he love Catiel? Could she love him?

But the Jedi are not allowed to form attachments.

And yet… he couldn't help but love Catiel. He loved her because she was so much like the Revan he had known for such a short time, but also because Catiel was genuinely nice and interesting.

It felt schizophrenic to love them both, but he did. And he hated himself for that weakness. He couldn't let himself believe in her only to lose her again.

But she kept talking to him, sharing his pain, worrying over him, desperately trying to make him see life beyond revenge. And before he realised what was happening, he had pledged his life to protecting her. From the Sith, from her self if need be.

She'd never know how real that fear was.

Things went on like that, they hunted for the Star Maps, and Catiel and Carth became even closer friends. He watched her learn to use her powers again, and use them to help people. He fell more in love with her ever day, but mostly refused to admit it, even to himself. Slowly he started to believe in her. Believe they could do this, she could do this, and not become his enemy again.

And then the Leviathan caught up with them.