Away From the Sun
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, I'm just a spoony Bard.
Warning! Spoilers for books 1-5. I am going to pretend that anything that happens Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince , witch comes out on July 16 (YEA!) , hasn't happened, so don't kick me if something really cool happens in the book and I make no mention of it.
Warning 2! This is gonna be yaoi, that's boys loving boys, so if you don't like the idea of Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter snogging senseless, don't read, and piss off if ya feel the need to flame me for such.
Chapter Two
Changes
Draco's POV
The rage inside me grew. I'm so fucking confused and frustrated and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be Draco Malfoy. Arrogant, strong, stuck-up, Draco-fucking-Malfoy. I'm supposed to know what the hell I'm doing.
It's all Potter's fault. If he hadn't shown up with that stupid 'ticket to heaven' bullshit, I wouldn't be pacing back and forth so damn fast across my bedroom floor that my robes swished around me in a very Snape-like way.
I'm not supposed to be scared of anything,
But I don't know where I am
I want out of here. If I could leave the manor for a day without my family tagging along, stop thinking things like that Draco. Father's been furious with me since I questioned his decision of next year's 'birthday gift'. Won't let me out of his sight unless I'm in my room. I had asked him what would happen if I disagreed with the Dark Lord's methods. What would happen if I asked not to join. He'd looked down at me and sneered. Told me that I was going to do as I told. I may be seventeen now, and of age in the wizarding world, but I was still his son and I would do as I was told. Or else…
I wish that I could move
But I'm exhausted and nobody understands
(How I feel)
Since Potter had shown up in my study with that stupid ticket, things weigh heavy on my mind. I'm fucking tired. The clock on the wall chimed. Glancing at it I sighed. It's late. Or early, depending on which side of the sunrise you look at.
These heavy thoughts on my mind. Dare I defy Father and refuse to join the Death Eaters? Dare I hope that Harry Potter and his pathetic Weasel and Mudblood sidekicks would welcome me with at least no more than a few minor complaints?
I'm trying hard to breathe now
But there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb
Everything's moving so fast in my head that it hurts. I can't focus on anything. Father's been getting frustrated that my work with the Dark Arts is behind. He fully expected me to be able to perform both the Crutacious curse and the Imperius curse fully by now.
Casting them still makes me sick. I can't even do them properly yet. I've been practicing on house elves. It hurts inside. Father says it'll pass. I'll stop feeling like this when I cast them right.
There's no one here I can even discuss the idea of not becoming a Death Eater with. There's no one. I can't owl Pansy, Crabbe, or Goyle. They've already heard my thoughts on the subject. They said that I was a traitor to wizard kind for not wanting to join the 'Great Pureblood Leader'.
I try to hold this
Under control
They can't help me
Cause no one knows
I'm going to have to talk to him. Harry. Fucking hell, I can't even decide if I hate him or not. There's something happening inside of me. Like there's finally someone holding onto a rope, peering down into the dark place I dug for myself, waiting for me to grab on so I can finally be fucking free.
I'm not the same Draco Malfoy who threatened Harry on the train ride home fifth year and I'm not the same Draco Malfoy who hexed, jinxed, taunted, and tormented Harry all throughout sixth year.
Maybe it happened when Father told me about my initiation. Maybe it happened when Harry Potter flooed into my study and turned my entire fucking world upside down by offering me…?
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Maybe this is more of his stupid 'save everyone' shit. Maybe he doesn't give a damn about me and just doesn't want another person to die. Maybe he thinks I'm better at him with magic and he doesn't want to have to fight me. Maybe he actually does give a flying fuck about the Slytherin who made his whole life at Hogwarts a living hell. Maybe, maybe he dares to love me. Dare I love him in return? Dare I hope that he gives a shit? Dare I hope at all?
None of it fucking matters though. He offered his hand to me for some reason or another and I think I'd be stupid not to take it.
I'm feeling weak and weary
Walking through this world alone
Everything you say,
Every word of it, cuts me to the bone
(And I bleed)
With the way Father is, I can't tell him if I decide to go against his wishes. It's not like I can take him in a fight. It's not like I could dare try. I want to scream sometimes I'm so fucking confused. If I follow Father, I will give him the honor of having a son he can be proud of. I will be his idea of the perfect Malfoy heir. I'll please Mother by doing what Father wants.
If I follow Harry I can kiss my inheritance goodbye. I can kiss being a Malfoy goodbye. I can kiss my whole fucking world goodbye.
There's no one I trust enough to talk to. My head is reeling to fast with everything. With Harry, Father, Mother, Voldemort, the rest of the Golden Trio, all of the Slytherin House, my friends.
I haven't slept in a week. Not since the night Harry showed up in my study. Not since my world was wrenched in two. I used to think things would be so damn easy. I'm a rich son of a rich man, with a family name so old that you could damn near about trace it back to the fucking monkeys.
I can't breathe, I feel like the air here is chocking me.
'I've got something to say,
But now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath
All the weight of the world
There's no way to stay neutral in this war. You're either with Harry and Dumbledore and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, or you're with Voldemort and the Death Eaters. There's no gray in this war. It's all black and white.
The lines have been clearly drawn, and if I join either side I'm fighting for something I don't fully believe in. The choice before me is which of them do I choose?
Can I be the good guy and fight at Harry's side? Can I be the completely evil bastard and fight with the Death Eaters and become Lord Voldemort's personal little bitch?
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
The air is cocking me here. I'm bound by Father's rules and the job of upholding the Malfoy name. It means Bad Faith in French, and we do have a bad faith. Faith in some whacked-out nut job whose only goal is to destroy the one person who might have held their hand out to me in assistance and meant it.
I want to choose to fight with the Order. I want to defy Father and make my own path. I want to find out if everything I'm going through can make me a strong enough person to stand on my own.
I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes
I've been pacing for hours. It's nearly dawn and the sky is starting to turn pink outside my bedroom window. I pause in my never-ending path and stare at the sky. A new day. Aren't new days supposed to give you new inspiration and hope?
I feel like I'm sinking. I'm caught between a fucking rock and a hard place here. Gotta pick a side. Gotta decide my future. Gotta decide if who I've become coincided with who I was supposed to be.
They say that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. Shit, with all the things that haven't killed me, Voldemort, Father, Harry, that hippogriff, Weasley, Quittitch, I should be strong enough to do anything.
But I'm not.
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it
Mother's calling me for breakfast. I plaster on my best 'Good Morning' smile and glance in the mirror. I look like shit. I haven't slept in a week and it shows. Great, Mother's going to fuss over me.
I run my fingers through my hair to attempt to straighten it, but I've been fucking with it all night and it's a tangled mess.
Sighing, I sraighten my robes as well, and open my bedroom door to face the world with a lying smile on my face.
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated,
Hate this but I'm going through changes, changes
Two weeks. That's how long I have to wait before I can confront Harry. Two weeks till September first. Two weeks.
A/N: Wow, I'm like uber inspired right now so…. Yeah, we'll see how fast I get the next one done. Right now I'm waiting for FFN to get straightened out as it won't let me log in! pouts anyhow, still want feedback, (that means reviews) so please if you love the story, or just me (aren't I arrogant?) leave me a review!
BTW, the song here is 'Changes' By 3 Doors Down.