Restore My Trust

I wasn't sure if the loss of breath was because I still felt anxious from Kairi drawing everyone's attention to me for even the brief moment it had been, because I was completely at a loss for how blue his eyes were, or because of the look he was giving me. Even though I didn't know what kind of look it was exactly.

He had smiled at me before going back to the game like everyone else, at least. And I don't even know what was happening after that.

I was stuck staring at the three girls on the floor, trying to follow their conversation and mostly giving up. Olette tried to get me more involved a few times, and I smiled at her, but tried to let her know it was just fine that I sat by.

Whether or not I was good at conversation, all I was thinking about was Roxas.

N-not like I'd fallen all over him already! Just... while everyone else seemed like they could care less that I'd walked in the room (which, really, I was okay with) he actually looked like he was glad to meet me.

Or maybe I was being delusional. Hadn't I just said I didn't know what kind of look he'd been giving me?

Whatever was going on, I ignored it. Mostly for my sanity. Still trying to listen to Kairi and Selphie, but also already giving in to defeat in this effort, this set up went on for a while. The blond boy, Hayner, had eventually left, and Roxas was no longer playing with the other two.

"Anyone else want to go back in the pool?"

My eyes lit up but quickly I suppressed any showing of my excited reaction. No one else budged, and I wasn't going to be the only one to join him.

His eyes met mine, just before he got up and left the room.

I frowned.

I wasn't expecting anyone to notice, but Olette spoke up.

"You didn't get to go swimming at all today, and it is the last day of summer. Why don't you go make sure Roxas doesn't drown?" She gave me an encouraging smile, which I couldn't help but return. I knew I'd like this girl.

I slowly and quietly exited the room.

Not that anyone was paying attention to my exit, but once I was out of their line of sight, I flew up the stairs to my room to change. Of course, as I headed back downstairs, I slowed. What was I thinking? I wouldn't be able to hold up a conversation with anyone, let alone someone I actually was trying to have a conversation with, someone I really really wanted to have a conversation with. I felt like an idiot.

But I was already outside, stopping a few feet from the pool. He hadn't seemed to notice; he was swimming on his back across the pool. I could still turn back. But of course, then he made it to a spot where I was in his direct line of sight.

I could tell he tried to cover his surprise, but he did a pretty bad job. Olette's joke about him drowning suddenly struck me as a possibility.

I just couldn't tell if it was good or bad he was surprised. I mean, it was funny. So I was laughing, but I also felt kind of bad I'd startled him. He had looked really thoughtful while he was swimming, maybe I interrupted. So I found myself saying,

"Maybe I should... go back inside."

I managed to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though I really wanted to stay now that I'd somehow managed to get out here.

"N-no! You... didn't get to go swimming all day. The least I can do is share the pool."

My fading smile picked back up.

I dropped my towel on a beach chair, aware that he seemed to go back to distracted suddenly, staring across the pool. I was thankful for it as I pulled my cover up off and slipped into the water.

Watching him, I made a random connection and managed to word it, surprising myself at being able to ask a very simple, casual question.

"Is that one boy your brother?"

"Sora? Yeah, we're twins. Not identical but..."

So I did remember his name correctly. Shocking, considering how distracted I... ahem.

"I thought so..." I nodded.

And after a few moments I managed to continue.

"He's the one Kairi's always talking about right?"

Roxas laughed.

"Does she? Yeah, it's probably him. They're the best of friends. I swear they should just get it together and date already."

I had nothing to say to that. He knew them both better than I did. I started swimming in small circles.

"You don't have any siblings?"

I shook my head. I had no one, but I wasn't going to say that. Kairi and my aunt, sure, but really...

"I'm only living with them because my father died."

"... oh..."

I was pretty glad he didn't say "sorry to hear that" or something. Having known the diagnosis the whole time, I'd done most of my crying while watching him die and now... it just seemed easier not to cry. It was like I'd gone through all the steps of mourning before the loss actually happened. And now... well I still missed him. And I felt pretty hollow most of the time. He was probably the best dad I could've asked for, raising me without my mother, and the one constant comfort in my life. The only person who understood me. But... I managed. Or was trying to. I figure he'd want me to. And so I turned back towards Roxas slightly, forcing a smile. It must have been really obvious it was forced.

"It doesn't have to be so bad being here."

I hadn't known it until he said, and he probably didn't know it at all, but this was something I really needed to hear. So I looked at him full on now.

"Promise?"

I didn't like promises. I hated them in fact. It was silly to make them. Nothing was a guarantee in life. Asking for a promise was asking for it to be broken. But I asked him anyway. Which was... strange.

He at least took the time to tap his chin and look up, like he had to think about it, and I couldn't stop myself from giggling a bit again at the almost teasing way he did it.

"Promise."

That smile was going to get me every time.

It was confusing, it was scary, and it was wonderful. The ease with which I had been able to get comfortable around Roxas while we swam aimlessly around the pool was strange.

After he promised me it didn't have to be so bad living here, he told me if I needed anything at school, I could always ask him.

He also mentioned that his brother would be there if I needed him, although it sounded like he didn't take very much seriously. Still, he tried to convince me Sora would be a good friend, and I believed him. It was his twin, after all. They were closer than normal siblings from what I'd gathered.

He told me a story about when they were kids, and how Sora never seemed to be worried when they got in trouble, or in general. He was just one of those easy going types.

"I swear, the guy is too innocent to be a teenager."

There was a pause, which is when I noticed Roxas' expression shift a little.

"I always feel like such a downer next to him."

I hadn't expected Roxas to say something like this. And yet it sounded a lot like how I felt most of the time. He probably wasn't aware right now of exactly how relatable that statement was to me. I felt like a downer next to everyone, especially Kairi. But as thankful as I was to think we would come to understand each other really well, I didn't like seeing him sad.

"How do you think they do it Roxas?"

It kind of just sprung from my lips, and I clarified after the confused look he gave me.

"Sora, and Kairi, and people who just... don't worry so much. Or just seem happy all the time."

I didn't think he'd have such a good answer.

"I don't think they don't worry really. They just don't let it get to them. And some of us... some of us are just seeing things a different way. I mean, we all see things differently but... some people are quiet and some are too loud too handle."

I knew there was a part to his response that would hit me too hard.

"It's just something we have to learn to accept about ourselves."

I nodded a little, but felt... sad. I had felt like I had been learning to deal with my anxiety while my dad was dying. But if this day proved anything, it was that that was a lie. I hadn't accepted much of anything about myself, and that upset me.

There was nothing I could say, now immersed in my own head. I had barely even noticed Olette, Selphie and... Riku was it? coming out to say goodbye.

"Just thought we'd come say goodnight!" I managed to smile at Olette, which counted as a smile to all three.

"It's just almost two so you and Sora might wanna think about heading out, too."

"Plus I don't think they should be left without supervision." Roxas laughed as Selphie said this, and then of course she added.

"See you bright and early!"

If I wasn't mentally attacking myself before, I sure as hell was now.

School.

Senior year.

New school.

People.

Strangers.

How could I handle tomorrow?

I hadn't managed to spend a single second downstairs until it was just Kairi's close friends. At least... at least there was that. I didn't know no one but, I didn't exactly know them either. I knew Kairi. And what a fat load of help she'd proved to be in trying to understand and help me...

Roxas.

Roxas had managed to distract me from even thinking about school and make me feel like I could talk to him without a problem. In only one evening. How was that even possible?

It didn't feel safe either way. I couldn't cling to a boy I just met, no matter how nice he was being about it.

Learning to accept things about myself...

"What's wrong?"

Roxas had already gotten himself out of the pool and pulled his shirt on before he noticed I hadn't moved much from my place in the water. But at these two words I shook my head and got out.

I couldn't even look at him. I was being ridiculous. But when wasn't I?

Wrapping myself in my towel I went inside and shut the door without waiting for him, cutting off my name coming from his lips.

I had some comments to make but, eh. It's late, I'm tired, but I wanted to make sure I got a chapter of each out before this next week eats my brain.

Let me know thoughts x