Standard disclaimer applies.
Ratings: Ratings will vary from one chapter to the other, so on the safe side, I'll keep it at "T". T for language and violence.
Spoilers: Some chapters will contain spoilers for the manga and/or anime. Be warned. Gaiden Spoilers.
Author's Note: Special thank you to my reviewers, and I hope you like this chapter. And thank for Oozaru Angel for pointing out the missing word in the first chapter, I've edited it.
Chapter Two
Life has its way of making us forget sorrowful moments, but at the same time, before that memory completely fades away, it throws little pieces in our way to remind us, and to keep that memory a while longer.
Every time he forgets, or tries to forget, life wasn't fair to him, throwing bits and pieces here and there. The memory would never die, it lingers in the back of his brain, waiting for those little reminders to come out again. The rain served as the worst reminder of all. Always there.
When it rained, nightmares became his uninvited guests. Taking him back to that point in time where he lives the memory all over again. No matter how many times, it always hurt the same. His master's last words echoing in his head.
"I leave the rest to you, Genjyo Sanzo"
Years of meditating helped him gain a high level of self control, but any matter concerning the late Komyou Sanzo, still disturbed him. He held his composure as if still reading the paper, even though his hand slightly tightened their hold on the edges of the new paper, but after a few seconds, he managed to slowly release his grip. He turned another page, and took a drag from his cancer stick. He had to answer.
"It's none of you goddamn business, saru" Why hell does the saru want to know?
The few seconds after he asked, he had noticed the change in the priest even though it would be invisible to the normal eye, but not to his eyes. He had watched him almost every day since he freed him from his prison. He had watched how he dealt with different people from his early days in Changa'an, and through out their journey to the West. Every time, he watched how his fist would tighten and his knuckles would turn white when he was angry, sometimes when it rained, he noticed how his eyes were staring at the rain, while his thoughts were somewhere else. And on rare occasions, he would get a glimpse of a smile that quickly fades. And even now, when he asked him, despite his face hidden behind the newspaper, he sensed his uneasiness and the slight change of his hands as they held the newspaper for a second, before relaxing again.
Maybe, I shouldn't have asked.
"Sorry…it's just that…never mind" His eyes drifted to the rain that softly hit the window of their room. It's gonna be another long night…
Sensing the disturbance in their unusual link, Sanzo cursed inwardly again,
"Is that why you don't sleep," More of statement than a question, "Dreams will be dreams," he said before flipping the paper. Still, he can sense the dissatisfaction of his answer from the silent saru. He folded the paper, and before he can question any further.
"What if they're memories," golden eyes still looking at the soft droplets as they slid down their window, "I-I don't like them."
The soft trembling didn't go unnoticed by the priest. He knew he'd regret his next action,
"What do you see?" He saw Goku tense.
Although he was the one who wanted to ask, now, he hesitated but decided against it, Sanzo will know what to do,
"…Blood…lots of it, on my hands…on the walls…everywhere, and," he swallowed, then continued. "and whispers, they drive me crazy, because there isn't anyone but me!"
Sanzo saw his fist tighten, and he can bet that his nails were printing half-moons in his palms. Taking another drag of his cancer stick, "What do the whispers say?"
Lifting his head up and turning to face the priest, gold met violet, then decided to focus on the wooden table, "My name, and they say," closing his eyes for a second, before opening them slowly, "They say I'm a murderer, and other things, but" he never thought talking about it would be this difficult. It was just a dream, right?
"But?"
"Someone was calling me, telling me to wait, and then I'm back in the cave again," fists tightening until his knuckles turned white, "And it keeps happening, over and over again, it never ends!" he hit his fist on the table.
He was frustrated, and Sanzo has never seen him display such action, except when they were defeated the first time by Kami-sama, or so he was told by Gojyo. Goku was physically strong, but now, it seemed to him as if he was facing an enemy he can't touch, maybe.
"I don't-" Gojyo and Hakkai chose that moment to knock and come in. They quickly sensed the awkwardness in the atmosphere.
"We're back!" Placing their groceries on the floor by the door, he walked over to the table, "Oi, saru! This town has lots o'restaurants, let's go check'em out!" Gojyo's attempt to break the silence.
"Nah, I'm not hungry." Goku pushed his chair back, and walked outside the room.
A minute passed before Hakkai watched him leave the inn, through their window. "It's only getting worse," he petted Hakuryu as he rested around his shoulder, replied a soft 'kyu' as if agreeing.
"You're telling me! I'm going to grab him right now, and force him to eat! And then I'll ask him, th' hell's wrong with him!" Before he got a chance to turn the door knob,
"They're catching up," Sanzo said calmly as he released the smoke.
"What!?" Gojyo's hand slipped off the knob, as he turned to face the priest who remained seated.
"What do you mean Sanzo?" Hakkai was the first to ask.
"…His memories from the time before his imprisonment,"
"Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? He's getting his memories back?"
"Not really, Gojyo. If those memories were the events that led to his imprisonment, I'd doubt that he'd wanted to know about them." Hakkai walked away from the window.
"So…"
"It's not something we can help with, Gojyo"
"Maybe if we talk to him or something! I don't know!?" throwing his hands in the air in defeat.
"What if it were you…" Sanzo finally spoke, "would you have wanted to know?"
At that moment, they all silenced. For Gojyo, if he had a choice, he'd want to block it all out, the memory of his brother killing his mother just to save him. While Hakkai's thoughts drifted to Kannan, he remembered how he wished to die and for the memory to go away. As for Sanzo, he knew that no matter how he wanted to forget, how hard he tried, the rain was always there to remind him.
Life is always throwing little reminders here and there, and they know it. Goku never had to deal with such a thing as a memory, let alone a memory that caused him such punishment, and they were all wondering, if it came to that point, how will he deal with it?
"So, we just wait, and he'll solve it himself!?" Gojyo almost yelled at the monk.
"Any ideas, kappa?" he shot back, but met by silence, "thought so" he picked up his paper and went back to reading it.
"Stupid ass monk!" Gojyo cursed before slamming the door behind him.
"Stupid kappa needs to cool his head," commented Sanzo, flipping a page.
"But I do believe he's right, what if he can't solve it himself, we're talking about Goku here. Also," taking the seat that was previously occupied by Goku, "I can't help but sense that this could be a work of youkai or maybe…" he drifted into his own thoughts.
"Or they could be just memories that resurfaced, and he will soon forget about them." Sanzo said, or wished.
Outside the rain had stopped, and as Goku walked, he saw people setting up stalls, and merchants pulling carts. Goku decided to get lost in the crowd, maybe he'll forget about the memories that haunt him, if just for a little while, he wished for peace. There seemed to be some kind of festival, but with all the lights and the commotion, they never left him, lingering in the back of his mind. He chose to slip into an ally, leaning his back against the cold stone wall, he felt his legs weakening and he slid to the ground. Hugging his knees closer to him, he let his head rest on them. He closed his eyes. Go away…please…please…
He had a dream a couple of nights ago, someone with long shiny hair was walking in front of him. He saw a younger version of himself, running behind him, trying to keep up with him. Little hands flying to catch that shiny hair, but always failing. He knew his name, he saw himself open his mouth, but nothing came out. No name. He knew he had a name, and he was supposed to know that name! Why can't he remember it?
He saw himself, finally catching up to him, finally holding a few strands of that golden shiny hair. Then, all hell broke loose.
Blood everywhere, on the walls, on the floor around him, on his hands…gold mixed with red. In front of him lay the person without a name. Motionless. A silent scream…it rained blood and tears.
Punishment. Someone whispered. And he was in the cave, inside his prison cage. He screamed and he cried for a very long time, he soon forgot why he was crying, why he was here, why it hurt to see the sun, and not touch it.
Goku felt a tear escape, he wanted to remember, and yet he wanted to forget.
05.13.2007
edited 01.20.2008