A/N: Second in a series of mostly-unconnected Shelkero ficlets. Those that are connected will be labeled as such. On occasion I will throw in something of the general-Deepground variety. If you like any of these, please leave me a review as to what you liked about it, as these will vary in style and substance. Thank you!
Connected to Nicks and Scars
Music used to write this story: Feels Like Tonight, by Daughtry
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, nor do I own any of the music I may have used/referenced while writing. These respectively belong to Square Enix and the person or group that performed said music.
Apologizing For Beginners
Part of him couldn't relax. He couldn't figure out why. He just knew that he was restless, and until he figured out why, he wouldn't be able to sleep. So he decided to review everything that had happened recently and try to figure out what on the planet was so different that it would upset him to this degree.
Once he had gone over it all, he realized that it was her absence that bothered him. But not only her absence, as she had been gone before, or he had, and she wasn't there. What really bothered him was the circumstances of her departure. She wasn't dead, and at this knowledge he felt a little bit of relief he hadn't been expecting, but she had chosen to side with their enemies. And this rankled. It irritated and stung and upset. She had left him for them. It was so unbelievable that he almost didn't want to acknowledge it, naively thinking that if he didn't validate it then it wasn't true.
And this line of thinking nearly worked. It held and he managed to deceive himself into thinking that she was simply elsewhere in the facility. Until he went to the airship, he didn't think anything was wrong. He didn't remember that anything was out of place. But when he saw her run into that room, everything came rushing back, and he remembered that she had left, she had left them, she had left him. And that was something he wouldn't let her get away with. So he retaliated. When she attacked him, he gave as good as he got, and then some. His natural defense mechanisms had kicked in and he pulled her into Oblivion.
This was something he regretted. He had thought her betrayal hurt, but knowing that he was the direct instrument of her death hurt more. When he had given the orders to Azul for her termination, at least he had the security of blaming Weiss. Now, he had no one to blame but himself. And despite Oblivion whispering to him in so many signs and pictures that it was better this way, that now he would never have to let her go, it still panicked him and upset him to the point that he walled off the part of his mind that would register when her shield failed and she died as best he could. He didn't want to know. This way he could deceive himself into thinking her shield never failed and she still lived.
When he had turned around and realized that Valentine had pulled her out, seeing her sprawled there on the floor tired but breathing, oh yes, thank everything, still breathing, the relief had been so intense he felt light-headed. When that odd-looking girl had shown up, he took the opportunity to leave, because he knew he couldn't face her. There was no way he could look her in the eye and not crumble.
Sacrificing himself had been the only way he could think of to apologize, to try and redeem himself and make it up to her. Saving Weiss was only part of the equation. If she had seen something in their enemies worth allying herself to, then he would help her. It was the least he could do, to try and tell her he was sorry that he had nearly killed her, twice really, if he went ahead and stopped lying to himself.