UNRELENTING
Chapter 2: My Mind
"Hey! Long time, no talk!"
"…"
Squall had walked into Headmaster Cid's room and was now listening to Laguna's goofy-sounding voice on the speaker.
"How ya doin'?"
"What's the problem, Laguna?"
He was hoping this conversation would be a short one, but since Laguna was somehow still president of Esthar, he would have to listen to him ramble on.
"Getting right into the mission details, I see. Good man, Squall."
"…"
He wanted to get out of the mission conference as soon as possible. He still felt tense. Those stupid flowers were still in his head.
"Anyway, as I was saying… We've got a problem here. In our peace treaty with Galbadia, their Garden offered us a couple of guardian forces. I know we don't usually use GFs, but it was always something I thought was cool. And Galbadia Garden even went all-out with it and taught classes to show our soldiers how to junction efficiently – you know, to build up our magic and vitality stats, too. Our military forces must've gotten like eighty times stronger. We were really appreciative of it and stuff."
"…"
GFs. Was it really so complicated? He breezed through all the tutorials, and it only took him a few hours to figure out which magic abilities were best suited to be junctioned. He even taught Rinoa how to use them without a problem. Rinoa, who smiled at him beautifully when he taught her all the little tricks to make sure her magic stats were the highest they could be. "Wow! Look at my Blizzaga! I never made an iceberg that big before!" He didn't realize it then; he didn't realize how beautiful she looked. He didn't even realize the way his heart skipped a beat at her delight. And now… he was suddenly afraid that he was losing her smile.
As Laguna was talking, the elevator sounded. Quistis' heels could be heard from outside the door, and in another instant, she walked into the room and stood beside Xu and Nida.
"Anyway, you'd figure that everything would be good, right? After all, our armed forces were suddenly really strong. But out of nowhere, our soldiers started collapsing left and right. Not all of 'em, just a good handful. But right now, we've got a bunch of people in the hospital. Balamb Garden should be on alert right about now. Odine's been trying to figure this out; he's afraid that it might have something to do with Ultime-"
"It's just a coincidence," Squall interrupted.
Headmaster Cid's eyes turned on him, and Squall could feel his glare on his back. "Even if it was, commander, this is still vital information."
"…"
He knew he wasn't acting professionally, but Squall's head kept spinning with thoughts of those stupid flowers and listening to Laguna on the phone wasn't going to alleviate any of them. Something about those flowers felt distinctly different. Different and familiar… Those flowers weren't just from some random admirer. They meant something.
Laguna continued, "Don't worry about it, Cid. It's no big deal."
The headmaster kept his eyes on Squall for another moment, and then looked back towards the telephone and answered, "Please continue, President Loire."
"We don't want to start a war with Galbadia or anything. Odine doesn't think it was their fault. He thinks it has to do with time compression and putting the consciousness of GFs of the future into the GFs now."
First a sorceress, then a couple of monsters. Whatever. The doctor was just out of his mind – always has been. He just wanted to keep thinking that his "Ellone Junction Machine" thing was still being used in the future.
Xu glanced at Nida who had raised an eyebrow. They shared a look of confusion, and she spoke for the both of them when she asked, "Excuse me, President Loire, but how is that possible? Are you saying that the GFs of the future took over their consciousnesses? I know they have been known to cause memory loss, but this is entirely different."
"Yeah, somethin' like that. Odine said that they got stronger in the future. He's been studying them ever since you guys found out they make you lose your memory."
Xu looked back at Nida. He shrugged his shoulders, and the pair remained silent against the wall.
"We think it happened around the time Edea was in control of Galbadia Garden. It was around that time when a couple of the kids over there started randomly collapsing. It wasn't that often, and it was with the kids that just started to use the GFs. At first, they thought it was because they were still young, and they started to blame the committee for not thoroughly training the students. No one thought there was actually a problem with the GFs until they handed a couple over to us."
"So you think this is Ultimecia's doing?" The headmaster inquired.
Could this be Squall's doing? Did he push her away so that she found comfort from someone else. No, of course not. But then… Why did he feel this curdling feeling in his stomach. Like he was being... challenged. Challenged in a whisper and attacked from behind.
"We're not sure. I mean, it's logical… kind of. But anyway, I'm just saying that you should watch out. We're not sure if it's only constrained to the GFs at Galbadia."
"…Whatever." He didn't mean to say it. He didn't know how or why it came out, but he didn't regret it. Fury was rousing inside him, and he could feel it boiling under his skin.
"Squall." Headmaster Cid's surprise and annoyance was apparent in his tone, but Squall merely stared at the telephone.
"…"
"Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just received a message." Quistis held up a metal device. "Mr. Leonhart is being requested in the Training Center. It seems that a few of the younger students ran into a problem with a T-Rexaur."
Squall turned his head at the inquiry and tightened his fingers into a fist.
The headmaster groaned, "It's after hours. No one should even be out except upperclassmen."
"Yes, I understand, sir, but these things do happen."
"And where is Mr. Dincht or Mr. Kinnaes? Can't they take care of it?"
"There was no mention of them in the message."
Laguna's voice came on to the speaker, "Ah, come on, Cid. We're pretty much done here, and Squall sounds like he could go for some head-to-head dino fighting."
"…"
The headmaster flicked his arm in reluctant compliance and agreed, "All right, then. Go on to the Training Grounds."
Squall nodded. He turned away from the desk and walked towards the exit. He passed Xu and Nida without saying a word, but noticed a curious look in Quistis' eyes. It was a look that said something – understanding? No. Whatever. She was an annoying woman.
When Squall exited the room and closed the door behind him, he could still hear Laguna's loud voice from the room. "So when are you all comin' up to Esthar? Can I ride the Ragnarok again?"
"Commander? Commander, wake up. Please wake up."
A gentle face. Soft hands. Tender eyes.
You know that I love you, right?
"Commander? Squall? Squall!"
She was sitting in her seat, trying her hardest to not squirm so much. Crossing her legs, uncrossing her legs, she couldn't find a comfortable position. Of course her legs were tingling like crazy now, too. In her stupidity, she tried to relieve her nervousness by drinking plenty of water. Maybe it would wash away her nerves? But nope. Uh-uh. Now she was just as nervous and had to pee a waterfall. Great. She paused for a moment to consider if whether or not she should go to the bathroom. If she did, it was likely that he might arrive, and she wouldn't be there to greet him. Oh for Hyne's sake, he was the late one, and she needed to pee.
Rinoa got up to go to the restroom. When she returned, Seifer was sitting in the seat across from hers. She held her breath and quickly tried to mentally prepare herself for walking up and saying hello. Was that how she was supposed to do it? Just walk up and say hello? Could it really be that easy? No, of course it couldn't be. Her head was spinning, and the nervousness quickly flushed back.
She clenched her fingers and reminded herself that this was the time to get rid of all that. She invited him here as friends. Friends. When Quistis told her that Seifer was returning, her immediate reaction was to give him a call. After all, it had been well over a year since she had an actual conversation with him. The last few times they said anything to each other were when they stood on opposite sides of the battlefield. But before all the sorceress chaos, they shared quite the history. It only made sense that they sit down and talk a little. Too much was left unsaid, and she didn't think that swinging gunblades and throwing fireballs was the right way to clarify things.
Even though it was only Seifer's back that faced her, Rinoa could still see that air of arrogance about him. One leg rested on the knee of the other. Back pulled straight. Arms stretched across the chair. It was as if the world was his to hold. It never mattered how heavy, how wide, or even how great the world was. He was Seifer Almasy. He would always be greater. It was so different from Squall's posture. He never sat straight; he never had his arms open like that. Always slightly slouched, always quiet, always so reserved. He would only sit upright in the headmaster's office. But for anyone else, his arms would span across his thighs, one hand clasped in the other, and his head tilted down. Funny, she thought, how she could be drawn to two entirely different men.
Rinoa walked past him and touched him lightly on the shoulder.
"You're late." His words were short, but playful.
"I was here on time. You were the late one. I just needed to go to the bathroom."
He smirked at her devilishly in response. She had to admit that she was pleasantly surprised by all of this. They were still comfortable with one another - comfortable enough that they could tease each other lightheartedly. Perhaps there was no reason to be so nervous after all. This was exactly what she was hoping for - a conversation between friends over a cup of coffee.
"Why'd you tell me to meet you at a coffee shop?" His eyes were looking at her skeptically and at the same time, pompously – as though it was ridiculous to meet here of all places. What was his problem? She thought the place was nice; he didn't have to be such a snob about it.
"Is there something wrong with a coffee shop?"
"You have the attention span of a four-year-old. The last thing you need is coffee."
What? Her eyes blinked dumbly in shock. Here she was, going out of her way to spend a nice afternoon with this… this butthead! And he didn't even have the decency to appreciate it. She clenched her teeth and breathed deeply, trying her hardest to not show how annoying she thought this butthead really was.
"Yeah, but when Squall started to drink more coffee, Quistis showed us this place. I always thought it was pretty - right in Balamb with the sea just outside. It's nice, so I come here often."
"You come here often?"
"Is that really a surprise?"
"Yeah."
That stupid haughty expression was staring at her right in the face. He was so… so… urgh! She did like it here! It was a very nice coffee place, thank you very much. He had no right to look at her like that. It was like, like he was calling her a little kid or something. It was almost as if his eyes were saying, "You're still too immature to be drinking coffee. You just wish you were a grown-up, but you're trying to prove that you actually are one by taking me here."
"So what'd you order?"
Her heart dropped.
"Uhh… Well I uhh…"
That stupid stupid expression - he still had it on, and she tried desperately to find out some kind of answer to save her from defeat. She couldn't admit… no. No! He can't win this!
"Well?"
"Umm…"
"Well?"
Rinoa looked down and mumbled a few words quietly.
"Can't hear you."
She mumbled it again.
"You know, you really are acting like a four-year-old."
"Hot chocolate!"
He broke out in hearty laughter, and she looked away, bunching up her nose in an annoyed expression. She couldn't believe him. First, he embarrassed her. Second, he made her feel really really dumb. Now, he just wouldn't stop laughing! Urgh!
And he's still laughing…
Still laughing…
And still… Urgh!
When she turned back to face him, Seifer still hadn't stopped laughing, but even through her annoyance, she couldn't help but notice the way his head cocked back. Squall never laughed like that; he would never be open enough. He might lightly chuckle or smile amusedly, but he would never laugh so heartedly and confidently as Seifer was now. Seifer was… expressive.
Rinoa shook her head. She should stop. This wasn't the time to be comparing them, especially at a time when he was making fun of her. She was happy with Squall. He was amazing, and no matter how confident, how open, or even how good Seifer looked right now, that wasn't going to change. Was that mentioned, by the way? How good Seifer looked? Because he looked good. His face was older now, more mature. There was a certain gleam of experience in his eyes and a sharpness in his cheeks that illustrated the image of a man who had gained, lost, and learned. Even his skin, which was once glowing with youth, seemed more controlled in its fervor. Still soft, though, still as soft as she remembered.
When he finally calmed down, they stared at each other – somewhat dumbly – for several minutes.
"Sooo… when did you get back? I didn't find out you were here until this morning."
That stupid expression came back. What? Did she say something that he could make fun of again?
"You also called me this morning. So what? Did you call me the second you heard I was back?"
Yes.
"No. Well, no-not really. See, umm, I'm going to be really busy for awhile. Mm-hmm. And this will be the last time I'll be free for the next two weeks or so," her words blurted out quickly and clumsily. "I just… didn't want you to think I was avoiding you so I thought I should do my best to see you now." When she was done with her "explanation", she ended with a bright and innocent no-I'm-so-not-trying-to-cover-anything-up smile.
That jerk expression was still planted on his face, but this time, he added that devilish smirk of his.
"Anyway, tell me about your trip."
A waitress came to their table carrying a tray with two drinks. "Hi guys. Sorry to interrupt, but I have your drinks all set." She handed one mug to Rinoa. "One hot chocolate." A smirk jumped on Seifer's face, and Rinoa stuck her tongue out in response. Then the waitress handed the other mug to Seifer. "And one coffee. Would you like any cream or sugar with that?"
"Nah, I'll take it black."
"Okay," she said with a smile, "enjoy!"
Rinoa met her gaze and smiled with a polite, "Thank you." When she turned back to Seifer, he looked at her blankly and just shrugged his shoulders.
"What? What is," she questioned as she mimicked his shoulder-shrugging gesture, "that supposed to mean?"
"You asked about my trip. It sucked," he answered as he reached for his coffee and took a sip.
"Then why'd you go?"
He put his cup down. "I don't know. After being controlled by an evil sorceress from the future, you kinda lose purpose after it's all over. What was I supposed to do? Pretend nothing happened and try to be a SeeD? Unlike you, I didn't have a pile of friends to take care of me."
His comment was said with an unexpected sting, and Rinoa had to bite back in response. She took a moment to recompose herself, then asked, "What about Raijin and Fujin?"
"My posse?" He chuckled at the thought. "My posse's cool, but pretty useless when it comes to anything like that. Raijin's just a confused moron. He can hardly tell the difference between being hungry and sleepy. And Fujin's all right, but she likes talkin' in one-word sentences. After awhile, it doesn't help. Doesn't matter, though, 'cause I don't want either of them to see me like that. They're MY posse after all. I'm the leader." His smile was broad as he said it – filled with confidence and spunk. Amazing how he could be so… cool… about all of it.
It was obvious to Rinoa how difficult the last year must have been for him. She suspected that most towns would shun him away. With no one to really fall back on, how could he still stay so lively? How was his smile so vivid? So honest? And here she was crying because Squall didn't pay attention to her. She wanted to groan out loud. This entire time, she'd been so fortunate to have loved ones there for her; she was just too self-centered to realize it.
"So how's the new commander doin'? Is he actually talking to people now? The guy can't pretend to be invisible if he's in charge of the entire school."
"Oh." Rinoa picked up the teaspoon in front of her and dipped it in her hot chocolate. "He's okay. I mean… he's still not Mr. Popularity, but he's opening up to people."
"Yeah?"
"Mm-hmm." She couldn't stop the smile and rising blush in her cheeks. "Like just yesterday, he surprised me with a vase of flowers." She bit her bottom lip as she swirled the chocolate around with her spoon. "They're really nice – purple and white, actually."
He took a sip of his coffee. "Do you even like purple and white?"
"Well, you know, it's not exactly my color of choice," she said as she kept her eyes down towards the table, "But it's the thought that counts, right? They're beautiful no matter what."
Seifer didn't respond after awhile, and when Rinoa looked up again, he was sitting back in his seat. Both arms were spanned across the crest of his chair again – all ready to go and conquer the world.
"You finished your coffee already? That was quick."
He shook his head. "No, I just don't play with my drinks like a four-year-old. I actually drink it."
"Shut up!"
He smiled.
"I just… Urgh! You're so frustrating!"
Rinoa then took her mug and prepared herself to take big gulps of her hot chocolate. She was on a mission to prove to Seifer that not everything she did was like a four-year-old. No sir, Rinoa Heartily had most certainly matured. Now she just had to go and do it without burning herself. Ready, go!
And the heat seared the nerves of her tongue.
"Ow!"
"Hahahaha!"
He was asleep in the bed across from her - passed out, actually, passed out from being stupid enough to stay in the Training Grounds all night and run himself dry of magic and potions. Idiot. He was such an idiot. How could he be so stupid? Quistis stood up from her seat and looked down at the sleeping man. She couldn't believe that someone so talented, so smart, so irritatingly handsome could also do something so outrageously dumb.
She glanced at his shoulder, and a deep gash was torn into his skin. She hated seeing him like this. He was supposed to be invincible - commander of Balamb Garden, savior of the world, Squall Leonhart. And even if he was all that, she always felt the inexplicable urge to protect him. It was an instinct that ran to her core - a desire beyond her control to make sure that he was always safe. She often swayed between her thoughts of what the feeling meant - sisterly love or romance? Sisterly love was what she liked to discern it as. That way, she'd be able to persuade herself into believing that she wanted nothing more than a close friendship. If she deemed it as the latter – that latter where her heart pounded solely and steadily for him - she'd do nothing but hurl herself into lonely nights and tear-soaked pillows. She wouldn't dare to let her mind wander in that desirous direction. But still... even though she refused... she couldn't stop her hand from reaching out and touching his.
He stirred, and Quistis quickly drew back and returned to her seat. After a few moments, he blinked his eyes open and slowly pulled himself into a sitting position. He tried to lift his arm, but winced slightly in pain.
"Don't do that. You're badly hurt."
"..."
He tried again. This time, his face shifted into a grimace as he struggled to rub his eye.
"You're so stubborn."
"..."
How endearing. All he wanted to do was rub his eye, and he put himself through levels of pain just to perform such a small task. She could have giggled then, especially because she was fully aware that part of the reason why he was so determined to rub his eye was because she told him not to. Typical Squall.
"You're a very funny person."
"..."
"Really. It's quite amusing."
"And you're a liar."
His words struck through her sharply in a way that she wasn't expecting.
"Excuse me?"
He didn't look at her. He just looked at the bed sheets and his fingers that clenched around the dry fabric.
"..."
"Squall, what are you talking about?"
She was furious. How could he accuse her of that?
"I'm sick of this."
"Sick of what?"
He wasn't making sense. Since last night, he had been acting harshly towards her, and even now, he was acting like a fool.
"Of yo-," he caught himself before he finished the word, paused, and tried again, "of everything."
He was still looking away from her, and Quistis noticed that the color in his hands had faded. They were as grossly pallid as the white sheets he gripped onto. He was so angry, and though she had every reason to be angry in return, she felt the intensity in her arms and shoulders rising out of her and dissipating into the air. That inexplicable need to protect him - to ensure that he was safe, that he was happy - had returned. A deep sigh. A softened face. A tender gaze.
She spoke quietly when she said, "Squall, I never lied to you."
"..."
She didn't want to push him to tell her more. He'd snap at her without question, and if she didn't have some idea of what he was talking about, she'd be powerless to calm him down.
"Everyone's lying to me."
She stayed quiet, but was still grateful that he was opening up to her.
"Even you. Damn it, Quistis. Was that some kind of joke last night?"
Last night... Last night, no. Never. She simply noticed his behavior. If leaving her behind when he walked into that elevator wasn't enough to validate her point, he acted strange even in the headmaster's office. She noticed the way he sat more rigidly than usual, the way he constantly groaned, the way he needed to rub the back of his neck over and over. She also remembered how much it hurt her to see him like that, and how she wanted to do something to relieve some of that stress. So yes. Yes. She lied to the headmaster. She pretended there were kids in danger in the Training Center. She mustered up that lie so he could get out of there and stop listening to Laguna - whom Quistis was also aware of just how much Squall hated listening to. She was getting upset at the thought. But of course she was! How could she not be? She lied to the headmaster and risked getting herself in a complicated predicament, but for what? For an ungrateful, stubborn Squall Leonhart?
"No, it wasn't a joke. I did it so you could get out of there. It was obvious how badly you wanted to leave, especially based off your behavior."
"I don't need your help."
It was useless trying to speak to him, and it was a mistake to think that there was any valor in her decision to help him last night. Now she was the stupid one. She shouldn't have... she shouldn't have! She was so angry that she couldn't stop herself from snapping back at him.
"And what is wrong with you? Why would you stay there all night? I know you weren't on some mission to find those 'kids'. You couldn't have cared less. But for some reason, you stayed there, forced yourself to fight all night without resting, and didn't even have enough sense to bring more potions with you! And thank Hyne there were students who found you this morning and called me to come and get you. Your arm was nearly ripped off - ripped off! You had to get seventeen stitches to suture that back up! That same arm that you insist on rubbing your eye with because you're so obviously contemptuous against anything I have to say!"
"..."
"So tell me. Please. Enlighten me."
"..."
"What is going on with you?"
"It's none of your business."
Clear. Like the waters. Like the foamy crests of the azure tides. Hazy. Like the fog. Like the furtive mist. He could see the fish swimming freely below him – their silver bodies flitting in and out of the shadows, of the clarity. He had felt that way for awhile now – that flitting feeling of darting back and forth, back and forth, back and forth between the clarity and the haze. But not earlier this afternoon. No. He held on to that clarity for longer than he had in a long time. He was with her, and with her, it meant that the rapid trills of his mind came to a long pause. He could rest. He could be at ease. He could feel alive again.
"SEIFER?"
He chuckled at the sound of her voice. What a charming way to greet someone – in a bold, strident cry that sounded like a shriek. It would make anyone (except him, obviously) want to piss in his or her pants.
"Hey."
"RAIJIN. HURT."
Seifer ignored the comment for a moment so that he could appreciate the Balamb air – the flavors of salt, sea, and wind blended together pleasantly. He thought it was even nicer now, now that she was here.
When he looked back at Fujin, he asked, "What happened?"
"STING."
"He was playing with the jellyfish again? Damn moron. We already told him that you can't pick 'em up."
"IDIOT."
Seifer turned his back to Fujin and glanced down at the water. He chuckled lightly when he saw a jellyfish floating towards his direction. "Does he know to pee on it?"
"HIS FAVORITE PART."
Seifer laughed again and turned his face to the stoic woman. Her grey locks gently fell over her eyes, and he noticed the strands of hair swaying lightly in the winds. Since leaving, Seifer had become increasingly more aware of the people around him. He didn't care before; he was always too involved with his own ego that the significance of others meant little to nothing. But upon realizing that he was unsatisfied with his lack of relationships, he taught himself how to appreciate those who showed him an ounce of concern – especially Raijin and Fujin.
He looked away from her and stared back at the sea.
"HER?"
He nodded. "I saw her today."
"GOOD?"
"She's happy," he replied with a shrug.
"FLOWERS?"
Seifer couldn't help but chuckle at the thought. He was briefly reminded of sneaking into her room, and putting them on the desk. He felt like an idiot then. In fact, he still kind of did.
"She doesn't think they're from me. She's still with lame-ass Squall. I didn't think she'd settle for someone like him. I figured that only someone like the instructor would have that kind of patience." He jeered, "Not too long ago, I could'a sworn Squall just hit puberty."
"LOVE?"
"Don't know. Haven't seen 'em together. She's a romantic, though. She probably thinks she does."
"YOU?"
The question struck him. He contemplated the question before, but never liked thinking about the answer.
"Me? Love Rinoa?" Seifer laughed out loud. "I don't even know what love is. And our fling or whatever was only a couple o'months in the summer. It was two years ago."
The pair was silent, and a smile drew on his face as he thought about her. She always swayed her body in her seat like she was bopping to her own song. She was always playing with everything around her - drumming her fingers on the table, ripping her napkins into little pieces, or nibbling on her straw. She often looked down when she talked to him, and he could always hear the nervous tapping of her feet under the table. She mumbled all the time, and her eyes were always scanning the room with a dreamy expression. Damn four-year-old.
But when she looked at him...
Seifer glanced down and could see the rays of light reflected against the water. The haze was gone.
Everything was clear.
chapter02fin
Author's Note: I know the chapters are long to the point of ridiculous, and so your patience in getting through another chapter is very deeply appreciated. Thank you!
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and all its characters belong to Square-Enix (not an online user named .mangoseed, obviously).