A chaotic rush of fear and an awakening ignorance of the situation washed over every inch of my body. Nothing could have stopped me from shooting out of my weakened laying state and into the highest sitting position I could manage. Fatigue and stiff muscles were not the cause of my very pitiful arch upward, but the tight blankets around me were. Memories did not form in my mind, so the first thing I had to ask was, "What happened?" I was in the back of an ambulance, burrito-ed in thick wool sheets, freezing cold and completely clueless in these short couple of minutes.

"You were in a freezer. You and Mr. Castle developed mild hypothermia. He's fine, he's just in the ambulance next door with another doctor warming up. He hasn't woken up quite yet." These words sent me right back to the present as the night's events beamed into my memory. I'd kissed him. And I didn't just kiss him, I told him I loved him. Heat flooded my cheeks and a smile spread across my lips that I could not ignore, no matter how hard I tried. The young EMT then joked, "Yeah, I thought you'd remember that kiss eventually. It was quite the sight to behold while we rushed in to save your lives."

My face fell flat and went back to the pale, ghostly state it had been in. "You- you saw us. Who all saw? I mean, who- who came in?"

Just as I asked, I got my answer from Ryan and Esposito at the door. Of course Javi was the first to comment, "How you doing Beckett? You and Castle sure seemed to keep each other warm."

Ryan then added, "I know you just got out of a freezer, but your bright pink lips say differently."

"Really boys?" I asked with annoyance, "I wouldn't be complaining. We found your bomb before you and we had half the resources." In my own voice which now lost all panic, I could hear a twinge each time I said the word we. It wasn't a new word. It wasn't even new to Castle and me. It just had a whole new implication.

The boys caught on and smiled at the words as they came out of my mouth. I couldn't tell why exactly, but the fact that they were so pleased by my confusion pissed me off a little. My face drooped into an irritated mask, covering the deep joy, curiosity and worry surrounding my one and only writer, and the boys raised their eyebrows. "Gees Beckett. I know we interrupted your play time with Writer Boy, but we were saving your life. No need to be so snippy about it."

I clenched my teeth together, stood as the EMT moved out of my way. I warned in simple terms, "Shut up. Just shut up." Hopping off the back of the large vehicle that I was, unfortunately, not unfamiliar with, I sunk both feet to the ground in front of my detectives. "Where is he?"

Lights flashing in the darkness from cop cars, two ambulances, and a fire truck showed me the way to my newest and hopefully life-long discovery. A single morgue mobile was being loaded with the body of a frozen Arab man who'd been framed for murder in my murder investigation while a bomb had gone missing, and we had absolutely no idea where to go next with the process of finding it, and yet Castle was, not for the first time, the only thing on my mind. Just as I approached the flashing lights of his rescue vehicle, I caught a glimpse of him laying silently, wrapped tightly in a similar wool blanket that I was wearing, and then his doctor. The man taking Castle's vitals then looked up at me, not intending to find my face at all, but finding it with his always charming, loving smile.

He called my name and started to stand. My heart raced. He was supposed to be in Haiti for an uncertain amount of time. What the hell was he doing here? Taking Castle's pulse of all things? My heart beat as a humming bird's would. I didn't want to see him. I wanted to see Rick. But- why? Why did I want to see the writer and not the doctor? Josh and I had been going out for almost a year. I thought this was the relationship that was going to work out. I mean, I love Castle with every ounce of my heart, and more than anything I want to be with him every second of every day if that was possible.

So what was I doing with Josh? What had I been doing for the past year? I love Castle, I know I love Castle. He is everything to me and he has been everything to me for a really long time. His books had been the very first source of my crush on this guy years ago, but it never disappeared. Even when Rick was an ass, I don't think I ever didn't want him around. And isn't that the start of most love stories? An intense irritation until you get to know them and you find out more and more before you completely fall head over heels for the guy?

"Kate, don't worry about it," Josh said. Had I said something aloud? I said something. What did I say? Had I broken up with him and not known about it? What's happening? He laughed a little after a moment's pause between his words. "Kate, you didn't just say anything," he knew exactly what I was thinking. "We came in as a rescue squad and the first thing we saw was the pair of you kissing."

My face surely went pale. Every inch of my already frozen body chilled further. "Josh, I- I'm so sorry. I don't even know what happened in there."

"I do," he said extremely kindly. This was almost eerie. "You love him, Kate. I've known that since the moment you introduced us. I guess I just hoped you'd eventually feel the same way for me that you do for him."

There were no other words I could muster up besides, "Josh…" and then the train of thought was gone.

His head dropped down to staring at our entangled fingers a moment and whispered softly, "I love you, Kate," and bringing his head back up to me, looking me in the eyes with a glassy glaze, he continued with his hushed words, "But you're in love with Rick. And if you love him, I have to let you go."

"Josh, I- I-," didn't have anything I could say back to him. He was right, I was in love with the writer and I couldn't be in a relationship with another man so long as I knew I was in love with him. Still, shuttering nerves of pain from lost love began to cloak my body, and I couldn't help but find myself tearing up.

He just dropped my hand and vined his arms around my body and held me close to him one last time. I knew right then the I'd made the right choice, because as I wrapped my arms around him, I wished more than anything this was Castle so that I knew he was alright. A moment longer we held onto the ends of this tale while he slid the hair from my face and kiss my forehead in despair. His body was clearly tense and in anguish, muscles flexed tightly and resistance from temptation was wrecking him. When he lifted his head, he couldn't even look at me as he dropped his arms and softly choked out, "Goodbye Kate."

Passing me on my left, I spun in his direction and watched as he walked away from me. It took what seemed like hours for him to disappear into the mass of bodies, and a longer amount of time to wrap my head around what just happened, and by the time I had, Lanie had showed up behind me. She jumped straight to the point, "Your and Motorcycle Boy break up?"

I didn't have enough energy to say anything but, "Yep."

She then asked, "Are you alright?" knowing what my answer would be before she even asked.

"Yep."

Then she pried, "You and Castle a thing now? We saw you two mackin' on each other in there."

I then laughed in self-deprecation. It wasn't funny. I knew it wasn't funny, but I had to laugh. I mean, what are the odds you'll get trapped in a freezer with the man you love and don't know you love and then, just as the boney hand of death moves across your body, freezing you with every dark shadow that traces across your bare skin that loses every ounce of its lively heat, ready to suffocate you and pull you into the realm of the dead, you are met by the warmth of a life-giving arrow shot straight from cupid's arrow of salvation and lifted from the grim brought hell you'd sunk to. A kiss, shared between the two of you, where all your built up longing love and burning desire is released together all at once, nothing but passion and lust driving every move of your body. But this fate is ill met, and you are unable to move any further as weakness creeps its way through you and a final conscious breath leaves your lips, passing through the threshold of your released love, and stings as it clashes with the breath of life your partner still feels. Then, just as you shake what had rendered you motionless, your eyes split open to the view of another man who you'd love who saw everything you'd done and now sets you free for your heart to fly to the one it truly wants. Barely supported, I told Lanie simply with entwined exhaustion, confusion and pain, "I don't know," the smile left on my face from the implicating laugh was answer enough for us both.

She and I had nothing more to say. There was nothing more to say. I could speak, I could confess everything to her, but she already knows everything I've ever done. She knows my struggles, my doubts, my passions and my failings. Everything I could possibly reveal to her she already knew. Now only silence could remain on my half. And since the odds of my accepting anything she said were more than slim to none, her words stayed just as silent.

Another minute passed before I turned around and looked to her for advice. "Go home, Kate. Take a night or two to think things over. Because you and I both know that if you go over there, if you go to Castle right now, you are going to end up at your apartment with him and tomorrow morning you are going to regret it. Think about this before you do anything, alright? Just go home and think about it."

"Lanie," I pleaded, "I want him. I want to be with him. He loves me. He loves me and I- I think I love him too." Her solemn stare told me that I needed to more than just think I loved him if I was going to pursue this at all. "Every time I see him in the morning, I smile without even thinking about it. When he's hurt or worried, I feel helpless and want only to make it better for him. Every day he makes me laugh, and more and more now when he does I want only to- to see that child-like excitement in his eyes every minute. The gleam of hope and joy that radiates off of him is what gives me energy and makes me smile. When I'm alone at my apartment at night, I actually wish I was at the office with him, whether that means paperwork or not. And-" I choked on this final confession, "And when he was with Ryan in that hotel room and we didn't know if they were dead or alive- I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life."

Lanie grew speechless at the sound of my true feelings for Rick. She'd known for a while now that I liked him. She may have even known I loved him. But she didn't know how deeply, how truly and how extremely much I loved him. The only word she could manage was, "Wow," for a few eight counts of our slow moving melody. "Kate, how- why the 'I think' thing?"

But I never gained the time to answer her. She remained silent as well. Instead, I was rendered speechless by the force that had done so more times than this. Castle came from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist, speaking to Lanie for me, which in this case I appreciated, "Because love is never sure. Love is a mystical, omnipresent thing that keeps us all in the dark until it is time to reveal itself. Just because she 'thinks' she loves me, but is uncertain, doesn't mean she doesn't. It just means she hasn't come to see it yet. After all, it took her two years to even attempt to see if she was in love."

It was here that I came to terms with everything. It wasn't a rushed, desperate picture for me. I wasn't dying. He wasn't dying. We had all the time in the world to fall in love if we hadn't already. But I also couldn't wait any longer to actually kiss him. Spinning in his arms that wrapped around my waist, I found my home in his arms, mine wrapped around his neck, raised up against him as our lips met. I was close to him, our bodies actually pressed up against one another in a wrecking fit of lust as our mouths spoke with one another in the silence. Around us, the world went to black and we were alone, in an empty chasm of nothingness where we felt only each other. Playing with the ends of his hair as his hand slowly traveled along the back of the blanket I was wrapped in. Honestly, I'm not sure how far it might have gone had we not been stopped by flashing lights, cameras, and a multitude of voices attempting to talk to us.

Reporters crowded us, questions spinning through the air as colorful tops that spun brightly and crashed against one another, banging into everything they came across and simply bouncing off the objects as though they were balloons. The focus of these questions was scattered, some wanting case information, others seeking the details of the freezer, many also asked about Rick and I and our relationship. Never before had I been questioned by press about anything that didn't pertain to the case. But clearly Rick had, as he was much more comfortable with them there and somehow managed to politely tell them to go fuck themselves while fighting his way through the mass and pulling me along with him. By the time I came to grips with whatever the hell was going on, I realized I was in the car and he was driving away, Lanie, Sito, Ryan, Montgomery and FBI left to clean up the mess. Out of sight of the crime scene, Castle took a left and began toward the main roads. "Where to? The precinct or do you want me to drop you off at your place?"

I thought about saying the precinct. For a moment, I thought about saying the precinct, and I knew they'd need me there. But to be honest, I was too damn cold and too damn tired to be doing anything but going home and maybe cuddling up on the couch with a book. Or a writer. "My place. But you have to promise to come in and help me warm up, because I'm sure you're freezing as well."

He didn't even think before he said, "Deal." His smile was more than contagious. It blossomed into something that gave me no choice but to laugh at him. It was amazing, really. No matter what happened, no matter what went wrong in my world, just looking at him made me smile. That was how I knew. There was no way I didn't love him, because his joy was my joy. His pain was my pain. And anything that happened to him affected me too. He was my everything. I loved him.