THIS IS THE 2ND VERSION OF THIS STORY…AFTER RE-READING THE FIRST VERSION I REALISED (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM KILLER OF WILLS THANKS TO AN INFORMATIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE REVIEW) THAT THE CHARACTERS WEREN'T HOW I WANTED THEM TO BE:
SPOCK = TOO HUMAN
KIRK = TOO GIRLY AND NOT KIRK-LIKE
SO I RE-WROTE IT TO MAKE IT BETTER…I THINK IT NEEDS A BIT MORE HUMOUR SO I MIGHT ADD SOME IN LATER CHAPTERS…THIS ONE IS FAIRLY SERIOUS (BY MY STANDARDS) AS IT HAD TO GET ACROSS COMPLICATED SHIZ (LIKE LOVE AND EMOTIONS/CONFESSIONS) NEEDS SOME SERIOUSNESS…ITS NOT A FRICKING CIRCUS GUYZ…
SO I HOPE THIS IS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE FIRST ONE
X
RATED K+
Keeping secrets from Sarek …revised version
Spock stood outside the Captain's quarters, having just been asked to come and talk to his superior.
The Vulcan could not ignore the odd feeling swirling within his abdomen – was it fear at his unexplored feelings he had been hiding being discovered by the over-emotional human? Or was it something else, perhaps anticipation? or worry? Or the constant fear of rejection that is always settling itself across Spock's brain whilst in the direct vicinity of the young Captain?
How could James .T. Kirk possibly feel that he liked Spock in the same way that he admired the aesthetically pleasing man? Spock could barely let out any emotion, let alone register it and act upon it. How could Kirk ever latch onto these non-existent emotions and enjoy spending time with such a cold being? Exactly. He couldn't.
However Spock stopped thinking in this way, inhaled and exhaled slowly, and resigned to pushing these irrational thoughts to the back of his Vulcan mind and schooled his features.
He reached forward and knocked on Kirk's door. Spock's Vulcan ears picked up on movement within the room and awaited the human's appearance in the doorframe, undoubtedly grinning charismatically and looking as beautiful as he normally did with his tanned skin and crystalline eyes and soft blonde hair and bright pink parted lips.
No.
Stop thinking about the Captain in this way Spock's subconscious screamed at him.
Spock again controlled his illogical emotions and cleared his mind. He needed full concentration for what the Captain wanted him to talk about; whatever subject he may want to discuss.
The door opened slowly, revealing the Captain, who was wearing a white t-shirt and dark blue jeans, smiling widely at his First Officer. Spock was momentarily mesmerised by his superior standing in his casual clothes and grinning up at him. This thought was dispelled quickly as his Captain spoke.
"Hey Spock, come on in"
His blue eyes twinkled in the light of the corridor. Spock mentally asked himself why he could focus so much on Kirk's eyes when he should be focusing on his speech.
"Yes, sir"
Spock replied, following the human into the well lit quarters.
He looked around absently at the surroundings, there were PADDs stacked on the desk, a few items of clothing strewn over the furniture, and there were photographs blue-tacked to the wall above the desk. He also noticed that the temperature was cooler to that of his own room; he shivered slightly at the change in temperature. Kirk looked up at Spock again, looking awkward and tense.
"I guess you're wondering why I asked you here. Right? I mean I don't normally…it's something that doesn't often happen; people being invited to my quarters. I have been thinking a lot recently about the crew…well not the crew, about one particular crew member…and I don't know if I can keep the thoughts inside any longer"
He looked away at this point, becoming suddenly interested in his own hands, twisting them together and apart and twiddling his fingers and thumbs.
Spock's inner emotions were spiking, was he about to be told that Kirk was…attracted to someone on the crew? He didn't know whether he could hear about his T'hy'la (had he really just called Kirk his T'hy'la?) being in love with someone else; his heart would be rent in half by that admission from the human.
"And I know that it is completely illogical"
He looked pointedly at Spock at this point, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
"and that it may not work out as I want it to…but I don't believe in no-win scenarios…so whatever happens will happen and I will make it work for me…I mean I'm James T fucking Kirk!…people don't reject me…I work on the fact that my plans will always work out…but this time it's different; something in my head is screaming at me and telling me to stop and run in the opposite direction. but since when do I listen to what people tell me to do?"
Spock's lips twitched at this last point, a fondness for his Captain's reckless confidence swimming in his mind.
"Captain-"
"Please, call me Jim…I'm not on duty at the moment"
"Jim then, what is it you want to discuss with me? So far I have not discerned a topic that applies to me directly."
"Oh right yeah…well what I have been rambling about does apply to you actually… the crew member I have been watching intently?"
Kirk looked up again; he was graced with a confused eyebrow raise.
"Sir, I still fail to-"
Kirk interrupted the Vulcan
"It's you Spock! I've been interested in you…it's you that I …that I can't stop thinking about…that I love"
The young human's voice disappeared to a whisper at the end of the sentence.
Unfortunately Vulcans have extra-sensitive hearing.
Spock walked forwards, stepping into Kirk's personal space; he stepped backwards in shock and found himself against a wall. His breathing hitched in fear as the dark eyes of his First Officer bore into him.
"Did you just say that you…love me? This is very important James…the complexities of human pranks escape me…are you telling the truth?"
Spock asked, looking deep into the glistening blue eyes.
"Prank? You think I'm joking? I don't do this sort of thing…ever…you may or may not know this Spock…but monogamy hasn't been a big part of my life so far…meaningless, very hot, but still meaningless one night stands are more my thing"
Jim answered, his eyes wide with sincerity.
"What relevance does that information have to our current conversation?"
Spock asked, frowning slightly. Kirk looked straight at the Vulcan, desire swirling within him; damn he even looks hot when he's frowning Jim thought momentarily.
"For someone so scientific Spock, you sure are oblivious! I'm saying that I love you and all you can say is that I'm taking the piss? That I'm joking?"
Jim said, throwing his hands up in what seemed like frustration.
Spock stepped backwards, confused by what his commanding officer was saying. He felt his calves back into the bed, letting himself sit lightly on the mattress. Staring up at the human he attempted to configure everything.
He wished he was in his own quarters, meditating, trying to quell the emotions that were rising to the surface at that moment; a desire to just take Jim in his arms and hold him tightly, an unyielding need to tell the man that he also loved him and could not stop thinking about him. and feeling shame for being so …unemotional…so Vulcan (he had never been ashamed of his culture before)
He wished he could just capture those impulses and thrust them outward. He forced himself from his mind to come back to the Captain's quarters, blinking for a few moments.
He realised that Jim has seated himself beside him on the bed, and was sitting cross-legged staring intently at Spock, looking worried.
"Spock, please…for the sake of any tatters of a friendship we might have left…say something? I know this must be embarrassing for you…or whatever…I mean obviously this is all a one-sided stupid thing I'm going through…but I need some communication…or just an answer? Anything?"
Spock turned towards Jim, realising that his captain looked genuinely afraid of Spock's response.
"You said that I was oblivious Jim? You too are also oblivious of my feelings for you. I have been harbouring a secret…love for you…I have attempted to meditate upon it, to understand it, I have even tried to condemn it and dispel it, but I can no longer hold my desires within. I wish to convey to you my feelings, to whatever extent you will allow me?"
Spock finally said, placing a hand tentatively upon Jim's jeaned knee, stroking the denim lightly with a pale fingertip.
Jim's mouth fell open and his eyes widened in shock at Spock's confession.
"Uh, wow! So…you don't hate me? Or want to strangle me for emotionally compromising you this time? Like, you are actually ok with this? You actually feel the same way?"
Jim stuttered, smiling yet raising his eyebrows in blatant disbelief.
"Yes, Jim…your feelings are reciprocated."
Spock uttered, allowing a smile to grace his usually stoic face. He moved the few inches forward so his forehead was touching Jim's.
"I'm sorry spock…I just can't believe that things are going so right for me…my life is so full of pain and disappointment and things going wrong…I guess I'm finding all this good luck a little hard to understand…it's not a feeling I'm used to…I never realised falling in love was so…so complicated" he replied, chuckling and cupping Spock's cheek, before placing a light kiss on the Vulcan lips.
"If this is to happen-"
Spock said, breaking apart from the cool human lips for a moment, gesturing between him and Jim,
"-then you have to understand one thing" Spock finished his sentence, staring deeply into Jim's sapphire eyes for a moment.
"Yeah? What is it baby?"
Jim replied, touching his fingers to Spock's in a Vulcan kiss. Spock recoiled slightly in fascination at how Jim knew this way of showing emotion. (Kirk hadn't been reading up on Vulcan anatomy and biology and sexual congress in the off chance anything might actually happen…no, of course he hadn't…but Bones' biology books had mysteriously disappeared for a week or so without any explanation)
Blushing slightly at the term of endearment, Spock continued.
"My father must not be made aware of this arrangement, do you understand me?"
Seriousness laced the Vulcan's voice, and Jim took his hand tightly now, looking deep into Spock's eyes.
"I understand Spock…but why can't he know? I could make you happy…couldn't I?…I mean I-"
Jim started, Spock placed his hand over his bright pink lips, stopping the speech that was undoubtedly about to flow from them.
"I am not casting aspersions upon you, or doubting that you can, that you do make me happy…my father respects the human emotion of love; he once told me that he married my mother because he loved her. however, persuading my father of the fact that I am romantically, even sexually involved with a man, a human man, will be quite a difficult task…I just need you to respect the fact that I must be ready to inform him of our relationship…when I feel I am ready"
Spock said, feeling he needed to explain away the pain and fear that had appeared in his Captain's eyes.
"Oh right…so you know that I love you…and that your happiness is important to me…it's just a time issue? You aren't questioning me? Questioning us?"
Jim clarified, slowly controlling his mind and letting the feeling of rejection disengage…he wasn't about to have everything he'd wanted for so long, after it being dangled in front of him, be cruelly dragged away again.
No…Spock just needed some time…that Jim could deal with, yes, time... completely fine with Jim.
"No, I am not questioning, or doubting, or rejecting…or any of those thoughts that are running presently through your mind. I just need some time, as you put it, to comprehend and decide how I am to tell my father of this development"
Jim had forgotten that Spock was a touch telepath, and therefore had a shocked expression on his face when Spock relayed everything that was buzzing through his mind.
He schooled his expressions back to neutral, but could not stop the infectious grin from invading his face.
They lay back on the single bed, arms wrapped around each other, both smiling widely, content for the first time in months, honesty had won out in both of them, and they had been rewarded for it.
Honesty is after all the best policy.
.god that is such a cheesy/fluffy ending.
END OF CHAPTER ONE OF THE NEW AND IMPROVED KEEPING SECRETS FROM SAREK
THANKS TO KILLING OF WILLS FOR HELPING ME TO UNDERSTAND THE CHARACTERS OF SPOCK AND KIRK BETTER…AND FOR GUIDING ME FROM MY FIRST DRAFT TO THIS (HOPEFULLY) BETTER ATTEMPT
ALSO I TRIED TO MAKE SPOCK MORE VULCAN AND JIM LESS…WELL LESS GIRLY, AS IN THE OTHER ONE HE WAS CRYING AND STUFF…NOT VERY MANLY AND CHRIS PINE-ISH SO HOPEFULLY HE IS MORE MANLY AND KIRK-LIKE IN THIS VERSION
I AM GOING TO WRITE A SECOND CHAPTER WHERE: THEY HAVE TO VISIT VULCAN 2…OBVS KIRK/SPOCK AS XO AND CAPTAIN GO TO THE PLANET…THEY ARE INVITED TO STAY WITH SAREK…TRYING TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP FROM SPOCK'S VULCAN DADDY WILL BE V DIFFICULT…WILL THEY HIDE OR WILL THEY SPILL THE BEANS? OH THE TENSION
Hope you like it