Gotta do a massive THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! for all the beautiful and kind reviews. You've restored my faith in humanity a little and made my day 3
In the interest of full disclosure, I want to reply to you all, but I had a huge gushing fangirl moment (lulu42 looking at you and hiding behind my hands) and might need time to compose myself.
On that note, I am a little bit weird, this fic is mostly written on my laptop but I'll just post it a week at a time and see how it goes. I'm also extremely suggestible, so go nuts with the reviews!
The previous day Sakura had been filled with a bubbling kind of excitement that had made her job surprisingly easy, and her mood hadn't wavered from that nervous kind of happiness.
Today was the complete opposite.
It had started the same, but there had been a training accident on one of the fields closer to the village. The kind of accident that involved a few reckless genin and cavillions, so resources were already stretched thin when the next event occurred. This one included some pretty high up Anbu in Torture & Interrogation, so the details were still a little guarded. Essentially a captive had been placed under a very sturdy genjutsu, or so they had thought, and had attacked everyone within a miles radius. The damage to the detainee and the property was was about the time Sakura had run out of staff and patience.
It did not help that she had not slept for more than two hours, and that was not altogether.
It also did not help when another SCRI (Shadow Clone Related Injury) patient arrived in a critical condition. The overuse of the technique since Naruto had risen to popularity would forever be the bane of her existence and professional life. It didn't matter how many times she stamped her feet about it, the technique had been forbidden for very good reasons but no one seemed to care.
Sakura stayed later than usual, she had no choice in the matter really with the shortage of able staff members. When she slammed open those hospital doors and breathed deep the first lung full of fresh air in fourteen hours it became clear that her energy levels were just not going to cut it. Resisting the urge to pop a soldier pull she dragged her feet and the heavy satchel on her back down the familiar road.
It was usually the last stop in her day, delivering the reports to the Hokage tower, and it had been the cause of her excitement only yesterday. Today she was going to have to summon everything she had just to stay awake. As soon as she stopped moving it was all going to hit her, and while the fresh air at least kept her eyes open, Kakashi's office was generally quite warm and snug. As he aged apparently he had gained a bitter hatred for the cold, and anything that could possibly make him uncomfortable.
By the time Sakura reached the tower it was dark everywhere except the office of the man himself. A glance at the one clock she'd spied since she'd been allowed to leave the hospital indicated she was at least three hours late. She would have smirked a little more at the idea she was finally giving him a taste of his own medicine but she was so tired.
His doors were open, she tapped on them anyway, though he'd probably heard her.
Standing at the window behind his chair, facing Konoha as it sparkled with street lamps, Kakashi turned his head in surprise as she entered.
"Long day huh?"
His voice was devoid of mirth at using her own words against her, just as well, she might still have the energy to knock him into next week. Sakura shrugged.
"Could be worse I guess."
At this point she pulled out the veritable stack of blue reports she knew he would have to read. Kakashi's eyebrow raised before he took the expression of a wounded child. She kept her eyes on him as she thumped them down in the suspiciously empty in-tray. He had already shed the white robes for the day.
"I take it the training field fiasco wasn't the only thing keeping you busy then?"
She nodded yes and he sighed before shifting some of the papers on his crowded desk looking for something in the chaos. He held up a piece of paper and regarded it with disdain before holding it out to her.
"I wrote that letter of intent to relocate the training fields away from cavillon areas, two years ago."
Sakura skimmed the letter, her eyes growing wide at the red stamp 'DENIED' brazenly over top of his own signature.
"Why would such a thing be rejected? You obviously knew something like this was going to happen."
When she handed it back there was just a hint of frustration about him that she recognized.
"It was bound to happen with all the expansions. But, to relocate the training fields would mean cooperation from the clan heads, who don't exactly want to give up any land without a substantial profit… So the council took one look and tossed it. I think they were just humouring me to look at it in the first place…"
Sakura was listening, but she wasn't really paying attention. She was right, it was comfortably warm in here, too comfortable. Things were getting muddled around the edges enough for her not to bother thinking of an appropriate reply. Thankfully he changed the subject enough to command her attention better.
"Anbu give you much trouble at the hospital?"
Sakura considered her answer, but just thinking was becoming a difficult task on its own.
"No more than usual, at least no cavillons were caught up in that mess."
Kakashi scoffed and nodded.
"Yes that was some kind of miracle in itself."
He'd begun shuffling through the papers again, standing still and leaning over the desk. Sakura subconsciously began rubbing her eye, perhaps trying to push the tiredness out for just a little while longer. When her focus steadied Kakashi was regarding her with a strange expression, had he been talking?
"What?"
He sighed, loudly. But without any actual words of explanation just kind of started moving. Sakura barely recognized where he was, in a blur of motion he'd wheeled the chair from behind the desk out and around to the otherside. She could feel it hit the backs of her knees, before she could even turn his hands were on her shoulders. In an instant she'd completely tensed, it wasn't as if she hated being touched, but her body just disliked surprises so it happened without her intention. Kakashi didn't linger, just kind of pushed her into sitting on his chair.
She turned her head to look up at him, he stood behind the chair still with his hands on his hips.
"You're practically bumping into the furniture. Just sit for a while. We still have things to go through tonight and I don't want you falling over."
Sakura raised an eyebrow.
"What about you?"
He moved back to his original leaning position while waving her silent.
"I've been sitting all day…"
There was an edge of bitterness to his voice but she knew better than to press him for detail. He'd obviously had a day of it himself, and he still saw fit to make sure she was comfortable. With an appreciative smile she nodded.
"Thank you, Kakashi sensei."
He looked at her briefly, his eyes closed in what she considered a smile but again, she would never be completely one hundred percent certain of the expression with that damned mask. He scratched his head.
"You're welcome. Don't thank me just yet though… wait until I find… uh, there it is."
Kakashi had found a manilla folder which he opened before extending to her. Sakura took it and began eyeing the pages with confusion, unsure exactly what she was looking at for a second.
"This is…"
"Potential locations"
Sakura's eyes went wide. Each page held specific details of a vacant or abandoned area that was zoned exactly in the areas that she would want the hospital to be in. Close to the existing hospital and the academy too. There had to be ten pages at least, and despite being exhausted moments ago Sakura suddenly got a second wind of energy. Each page she studied carefully, Kakashi was silent as she concentrated. Vaguely she recognized him reaching into his desk drawer for something.
"Some of these are…"
"Bordering on ridiculous? Yes. But I figured the more options we have the better."
About three pages in Sakura spied what appeared to be an old hideout of Orochimaru's and her stomach just about flipped.
By the seventh option she noticed something else which made her smile. This wasn't some list compiled by Shikamaru or one of the other administrator's, this had Kakashi's handwriting all over it. And his flare for imaginative solutions. By the time she had skimmed the last page he was holding out another file for her to take.
"Apologies, I borrowed this. Just wanted to make sure I had all the facts right when looking for vacant sites."
It was her original report. Sakura took it and lightly placed it back on the desk, still holding the manilla folder as if it were a paper bomb. Something must have shown on her face because he looked at her with concern for a moment.
"Something the matter?"
"No, no. I'm just really impressed Kakashi sensei."
If she didn't know him better she'd have sworn there was a tinge of blush above his mask.
"I told you, I'm not completely useless yet." He made some coughing noise and she suppressed a laugh. "We'll have to make a pretty solid proposal to the council, so there's a lot of ground work to cover. Obviously we're not going to get much done overnight but it's a start."
The sudden burst of energy was beginning to ebb, but it made Sakura remember something.
"Oh, I have something…. Here."
Perhaps not as impressive as the folder he'd shown her, Sakura handed him the three sheets of paper she'd compiled the previous night. There had been a lot of painstaking effort involved in preparing those three pieces and she'd suffered lack of sleep because of it. Excitement being the other thing keeping her awake… and frustration.
"A roster…"
She nodded.
"A roster in progress anyway. I've not as yet officially reached out to any of the medics on that list, but while I was doing research they expressed interest in it. The last one is just a list of the new medical recruits that would potentially do well in that environment. I'm the one who trained them so it would be easier to keep them as residents…"
A yawn abruptly escaped her, she couldn't help it. He raised an eyebrow.
"You work fast…"
Unsure if that was actually a compliment Sakura just nodded and took another look at the folder in her hand while he concentrated. This chair was definitely too damned comfortable, at least this time she felt the yawn and was able to stifle it. Sakura's head had been buzzing after she'd put that list together the night before, it was just so exciting for her. As soon as she'd hit her head to the pillow, sleep had been impossible. She'd tried all the tricks, warm milk, counting, breathing exercises, even pleasuring herself. But she'd had no energy for the last one and hadn't actually been able to finish the job properly so-to-speak. So her state of frustration had carried through her whole day, which had been one terrible thing after another, now it was just tiredness.
"You work fast…"
A nod. That was all the reply he was likely to get by the looks.
Kakashi gathered as much information as he could from the roster in progress, but it wasn't anything that required his attention for the moment. He stored away the knowledge that Sakura had seemingly put this together in one evening with very little information to go on. That would be helpful later on.
She didn't notice when he put the papers down near her. She didn't notice when he shifted to stand by the chair.
The moment she'd stepped in the door he knew she'd overdone it. Eyeing her with curiosity Kakashi went over to the files she'd so delicately thumped into his in tray, deciding he wanted to get a proper look at what else she'd been up to today. It would surely be more interesting than anything he'd done.
"Kaka…"
Sakura looked up expecting to see him still standing at the desk, the way her head spun round to find him was amusing but he wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was a throw back to the days when he got his kicks confusing her as a genin. He smirked.
"..shi sensei, has this old hideout you've got marked been.. Cleared out?"
She'd paused the question in seeing what he was doing.
"Yes it has, by yours truly. But that doesn't mean anything. The place has been sealed for a long time and who knows what's down there."
"It's under ground right?"
"Yes. With the land on top vacant. We would need to check the structural integrity, you like that location I take it?"
She nodded yes. He continued skim reading the dark blue folders.
"You really did have a busy day huh."
He heard the sigh in reply. As if the training field accident hadn't infuriated him enough, the Anbu T&I incident wasn't actually reported to him until long after the rampage had been contained. The excuse being they didn't want to bother the Hokage with something so trivial, the truth had crossed him dangerously, and it took a lot for him to actually lose his temper.
The main reason it bothered him now was currently sitting in his office chair.
When she hadn't arrived at the usual-ish time Kakashi had assumed something had happened at the hospital with the Anbu patients. Shikamaru had no information to give him aside from what he already knew, so he'd sent them all home and waited. It wasn't as if he had anywhere to be, and there was work aplenty.
Kakashi didn't like that she had completed a fourteen hour shift and was now embarking on another evening of work. The Sakura he'd once known would have hightailed it out of the place and found the nearest comfy bed, and no one would have seen her for days. It confirmed his theory, she was fast becoming consumed by her work.
The bottom medical report was more substantial than the others, it surprised him that it had nothing to do with the days incidents.
"You have a lot of information here about what appears to be a very average genin…"
"That the SCRI patient?"
"Huh?"
She looked at him confused.
"Oh, sorry, yes. 'Shadow clone related injury' we've turned it into an acronym."
Kakashi's eyebrows raised as he read the actual details, moving round to his desk and kicking the stool out from the side of it. The action seemed to startle Sakura but she said nothing more as he continued to read and sat.
"These are extensive injuries…"
"Yes, it's a good thing he's young enough to bounce back from the chakra depletion, but the damage to the internal organs might have been permanent if he'd gone much further."
"Reckless. This must happen often if you feel the need to abbreviate it."
Sakura nodded glumly. Sitting at the side of his desk he could plainly see the dark circles under her eyes.
"At least twice a week."
Kakashi read further into the folder to see the probing questions she'd asked of the genin to find out where he'd learnt such a jutsu. But there had been no coherent answers.
"You think someone is teaching forbidden jutsu incorrectly."
It was a statement, she nodded again, seemingly unaffected by it. Kakashi had read between the lines of the report.
"That's a pretty hefty claim. I wondered why you looked so worn out, why haven't you told me about this sooner?"
Sakura shrugged before she answered. Rubbing her eye again, Kakashi wondered what else was keeping her awake at night.
"There's no actual proof, they've been pretty tight lipped when they do come in. Naruto knows nothing about it either. I didn't want to…"
"You didn't want to bother me huh, I'm hearing that a lot lately."
He interrupted her with a sudden and out of sorts burst of frustration. Today's slight by the Anbu, the very organisation he'd been in himself, was still a little raw. Hearing it from Sakura was the final straw obviously.
"No, not that, silly. I didn't want to alert whoever is doing it, if they are doing it at all, until I had an actual lead. I already asked Shikamaru about the scroll of sealing, but he told me I could look for a million years and never find it…"
Kakashi coughed, knowing exactly why she, or anyone, would never find it as it currently sat in his pocket disguised as his favourite novel.
"... Iruka sensei informs me, repeatedly, that no such technique is approved or taught by instructors. I keep ending up at square one, like you said it's a pretty bold claim, and for all we know they could just be mimicking what they see. I figured you would tell me to get more proof…"
She was now looking at him with a furrowed brow.
What an ass. She was just using her initiative like she had always done. Automatically he'd assumed incorrectly that she felt the strange compulsion every else did to leave him in this office to die of boredom. He pinched the bridge of his nose when he remembered why she was here in the first place, she had come to him for this project after all. Ass.
"I even asked Iruka sensei and Shino to incorporate proper clone usage into the training program. I drill it into my own students as well."
Kakashi held up his hand.
"You've taken all the measures I would have done." He sighed and physically had to force the next sentence to form. "Sorry, I'm being an ass."
Her eyes went wide before her expression softened.
"No need sensei. Sounds like you had a long day yourself…"
He paused. Long didn't even begin to cover it. The words were out his mouth before he could stop himself. He had been spending too much time on his own again obviously.
"Long is one word for it. Boring would be the other."
"Even with the accident and escaped suspect?"
"That would have been exciting, if I had actually been told about it before it was all contained. Apparently I am only of use when stuck inside this office."
Kakashi hadn't meant it to sound so bitter, but it was the truth and it wasn't as if he was happy about it. He hadn't minded particularly going down in history as the worst Hokage of all, he'd just never felt so useless in all his life. His entire shinobi career was based on how good he was at his job and entirely useful.
"That's not true Kakashi sensei."
Sakura's earnest reply held his attention.
"You are so smart, they probably figured something like that would bore you to tears. It's definitely beneath you, I would say."
He raised an eyebrow at her, but tried to remain emotionless. The words she said were affecting him in a way he couldn't describe. If he had to name the feeling it would be something akin to relief.
"Don't you raise your eyebrow at me Lord Hokage. It's true. You make everything look so easy with that big brain of yours, and you look so bored doing it. Everyone just assumes it is easy and that they shouldn't annoy you about it. It's when you actually apply yourself that it's scary…"
She held up the manilla folder and raised her own eyebrows a fraction. But boy did she look tired. Kakashi felt decidedly worse, there she sat putting him at ease for an insecurity he thought he had buried awhile ago. She patted him on the arm lightly for reinforcement, repeating his gesture from yesterday. The action however brief reminded him of the side project he'd undertaken, and he congratulated himself that at least she was initiating the contact now.
"I don't know about all that, but you know, you can always come to me for anything. I may be Hokage now but I'm also still here to help you whenever you need it."
He watched her nod enthusiastically with a sprinkle of blush across her face.
"You leave this with me," he held up the medical report, "and I'll try put my brain to use. God knows it needs a workout."
She laughed, Kakashi took enjoyment in the fact that he'd caused it, even if it had been sort of at his own expense.
"And I'll come to you first next time, it's a promise."
He nodded, tempting as it was to make light of the situation and insist that she not come to him with every little thing, he decided that it wasn't appropriate anymore. Perhaps a few years ago, but this was not the time.
"Thank you, Sakura."
He had tried to add a softness to his tone that was usually absent, it had the desired effect. Sakura smiled, though her expression remained a little perplexed, as if she had expected something of a more teasing nature.
"I guess this little project has given me a good deal more to think about. I had hoped to have you select a couple of those locations for us to scout…"
"I could do that now…"
"No, that won't be necessary."
At this he plucked the folder from her hand and placed it on top of the others. She shot him a scowl mixed with confusion and he almost smirked.
"Not tonight anyway. You look close to passing out and I'd rather not have to explain why that has occured in my office...again."
The last part was added under his breath, she caught it all the same and rolled her eyes with a smile.
"I'm fine Kakashi sensei, honestly. Just a little frazzled…"
She yawned abruptly cutting off her own sentence.
Frazzled huh. Something was definitely bothering her outside of hospital work.
"No arguing." He stood for affect and pulled back the wheeled chair she was currently sitting in. "This can wait. I worked out a kind of timeline about this, one night isn't going to effect that."
Sakura stood with a pout, when she went to reach for the folders on the desk he stopped her, moving them just out of her reach.
"And those can stay here until tomorrow, just to make sure you actually get some rest. You can have them back later when you're recharged."
When she straightened he half expected her to knock him through the window, but it seemed she was too tired even to argue, he was unable to read the look on her face. He stretched.
"Right, now that's out of the way. Have you eaten today?'
She shook her head.
"Breakfast maybe, I can't remember much else…"
Even her voice was different.
"You'll need to eat before you sleep."
"I know that... "
"Barbeque?"
There was a pause in which Kakashi became very unsure of himself. Her eyes finally met his, they were resolute with a dangerous flicker of something. Her mouth opened as if she wanted to speak but thought better of it. Eventually words came out, and Kakashi had that odd feeling again that each one of them had been carefully weighed and measured.
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
He almost scoffed. Of course she thought this kind of attention was suspicious. When had he ever paid her any concern, off the battlefield anyway. Kakashi also began to wonder just how long it had been since anyone had directly noticed her for what she really was. Though she seemed so well put together in every respect it had to be lonely as hell, and he was an expert in that particular feeling.
For what he did know, Tsunade was well on the other side of the world with little time to spend with her favourite apprentice, Naruto was married and onto his second child, Sai too. And Sasuke, well he was out of the picture. Sakura's parents were also out of the picture from what he could vaguely remember. With a tinge of sadness and all the care he could possibly offer he met her eye.
"I know you're strong enough to look after yourself. I know that well. But I am worried about you right now, and I will always care about you, Sakura. Let someone do something for you for a change hmm?"
The steely look she had been directing at him finally gave way, her eyes shining as they welled up a little. Kakashi figured it would be more to do with tiredness than the words he'd spoken. Her voice came out quieter than usual, but it wasn't that gloomy tone from before at least.
"Barbeque sounds good."
"Good."
He gestured to the door with a jerk of his head, waiting until he knew she was following him before adding.
"It's your turn to buy, by the way."
He ambled quickly down the stairs chuckling a little at her shouts of 'I knew it!' and dodging a well aimed chair.
Sakura had been sitting at her kitchen counter for some time, staring at the now empty takeout container with complete and utter confusion.
From the moment Kakashi had shoved the bag into her hand, Sakura's face was a permanent fixture of confusion. She'd barely had time to blink before he'd disappeared into the night with a simple 'see ya'. Truthfully she'd been confused throughout the entire evening.
The whole interaction with him had been unusual. He wasn't just being nice, he was being weird.
Sakura liked to think she knew the man a little after ten plus years, but all his typical and expected behaviors were absent. Maybe she just didn't know him as well as she thought, maybe he had always been nice and she had just never spent enough time alone with him to recognize it outside of a mission. He had always been a little weird too.
Sakura shook her head and discarded the trash. Maybe she was just tired. Very tired.
Forgoing her usual indulgent bath after a long shift, Sakura stripped and dropped herself onto her bed. She didn't even bother with pajamas, underwear was good enough. Lying back she barely registered turning off the lights before sleep claimed her.
Pity it didn't last long.
It never did. With bleary eyes she could make out the alarm clock at three am. Five hours. It was a good effort but by the time she watched the clock hit six it saddened her that it was all she would be getting.
As a medical professional it occurred to her that this was a byproduct of being overtired. It bothered her to no end, but no matter how hard she tried conventional methods to combat it, nothing worked. Overworking her mind and body appeared to be the only way. And her own efforts at tiring her frustrated body out were fruitless. Ino had suggested a 'battery operated sex device' during their last conversation about it, that was months ago now. Sakura stashed the toy in her drawer and never looked at it since, just the idea of putting batteries in it was too much effort. Though now she was just about frustrated enough to power up the damned thing.
And because she had nothing else to do while she waiting for her alarm to go off, Sakura worked out it had been almost two years since she'd last been...well satisfied. Even that was a pitiful drunken escapade with some random guy she'd grabbed at a bar. Years. It seemed hilarious and ridiculous to her at first, but she'd realized how quickly time seemed to pass as she got older. Even that last conversation with Ino had been months ago. It filled Sakura with dread when she considered that life was just passing her by.
With a sigh Sakura threw her legs over the side of the bed and headed straight for the bathroom. Maybe she would have a better day today. The hot shower did nothing to relieve the dull ache between her legs.
Maybe she would pick up some batteries later…
By the time Sakura had reached her office and shoved a granola bar down her throat she was certain, today was going to be better and she was definitely going to the store after her shift.
Thankfully the time passed without major incident, there was certainly enough paperwork from yesterday to catch up on. It got so dull Shizune insisted that Sakura leave early and get some rest, she gladly accepted the offer.
Taking her sweet time, Sakura took to the streets of Konoha. It was strange to be out of work while it was still daylight hours, the mid afternoon sun with all its heat and glory on her back. On a mission of sorts Sakura did her essential shopping, batteries included, and stormed back to her apartment all before 3pm.
The place was well furnished, after her mother had passed Sakura had inherited all the furniture she would ever need, her father claiming he didn't need it when he moved far enough from the village to forget the pain. She couldn't blame him for it really. Except the furniture made the place feel smaller than it already was. It was just perfect for her anyway. And she was the only one likely to live in it.
Busying herself with tidying away her groceries Sakura came to be standing over her bed with a pack of batteries in one hand, the bright blue device in the other, and a scowl on her face. Since when had she become this lonely and pathetic? Since that night she'd told Sasuke that she didn't want to be the person he was turning her into. She refused to believe that leaving him was a mistake, she really had been miserable toward the end. She was happier without him, but it didn't mean she wasn't still lonely.
She shook her head violently. Now she was being ridiculous, she was a grown woman and could take care of her needs herself… surely. She didn't need anyone else…
That was another thought that filled her with dread (along with the actual size of the device in her hand). The prospect of spending her time alone, with the dubiously sized toy as company, was pathetic. What she needed was something to make her necessary, and to fill the void.
What she needed was to get down to business. Throwing the toy and the batteries back into the drawer she decided to head over to the Hokage tower early. All the paperwork was there, and the idea of scouting potential locations had her excited enough. Once it was built this hospital would be the project that kept her going, it was all she needed.
The entire way there Sakura's mind began to calculate which of the locations she could remember from Kakashi's selection would be the most suitable. She'd been so tired when she saw them it had been hard to concentrate. When she reached the office and tentatively knocked on the open door it was empty of it's usual occupant. She was early after all. She sighed in relief all the same, part of her wanted to properly apologize for her questioning him the night before and hadn't yet worked out how to do it. She'd automatically assumed he was taking pity on her and wasn't taking her seriously, it hadn't even dawned on her that he actually cared. Weird.
She had also thrown a chair at his head. Though he kind of deserved it. Weirder still, she hadn't ended up paying for dinner at all. Neither had he but that was beside the point. Kakashi was still Kakashi.
With a smirk she found the pile of relevant folders and scrolls sitting neatly by the in tray she usually dumped the medical reports in. It was no longer empty, but it wasn't at it's usual stacked level either. Unsure if she should wait for him or not, he had said she could have them back today after all but he hadn't said if he would be present, Sakura popped into Shikamaru's office. The only likely person to know where their Hokage was. She knocked.
"Hey Sakura."
He sat at his desk surrounded by folders in very neat stacks. A very young and bored looking chunin sitting in the corner of the room.
"Hi Shikamaru."
"What brings you to this neck of the woods?"
He seemed almost cheerful these days, Sakura blamed/thanked Temari for that.
"I'm here a bit earlier than usual. I was hoping to catch Kakashi sensei, do you know when he'll be back?"
A typical Shikamaru sigh.
"Not sure. It's the last Thursday of the month right?"
Shikamaru turned his head towards the chunin who nodded while regarding Sakura with quiet awe. Sakura raised an eyebrow.
"What's that got to do with it?"
Shikamaru jerked his thumb to the giant calendar that took up the whole side of the wall.
"Last Thursday of every month, for the last five years at least, Kakashi blocks out the hours between three and five. He doesn't always come back in unless he's swamped."
"Where does he go?"
"Classified."
Shikamaru's face broke into a smirk, betraying his tone of voice. Potentially feeling the wrath that was Sakura's temper he continued.
"Sanji, why don't you head out early. Just double check Kakashi's schedule for tomorrow before you go."
The teen seemed elated as he suddenly animated to life and exited in a hurry. Sakura knew immediately that he was getting rid of him. When they were safely alone Sakura questioned him.
"Classified huh?"
"Yeah, at least that's what he says anytime someone asks. I tried having him followed but he's a crafty bastard. Guess you can expect that from an ex Anbu captain."
Sakura's brow furrowed.
"Wait, so Anbu don't even know where he is? What if something happened…"
"If they do know they aren't saying anything. I'm willing to bet they could find him if it were urgent. But hey, he's a private guy, he only takes one day off a year and those two hours once a month."
"Guess I'll wait til tomorrow… hold on a second, he only takes one day off a year? Kakashi does?"
Shikamaru nodded.
"Yup. It's a pain because one of us has to be here all the time, otherwise he starts rearranging things."
"One day. Gods, and I thought one day every two weeks was rough."
Not that she would admit she actually hated taking that forced day off usually. It appeared Kakashi was the same.
"Yeah, it's always the same day in September. And I know for a fact that he's untraceable on that day. But the village is so peaceful now, and he has things here running so smoothly, we'd be able to handle it if something came up."
Don't let him hear you say that.
The thought popped into her mind abruptly. What had he said before? He was only useful when kept in an office? She was sure Kakashi, of all people, was grateful for the peace that they had earnt, but he must be bored out of his skull. Especially someone with his intelligence, while Shikamaru (someone just as smart) would be too lazy to be bored by it, and too busy at home with his young family.
"Funny, I've never noticed before. Guess I really don't know him that well though."
Shikamaru shrugged.
"Like I said, he's a pretty private guy. I don't think anyone knows what kind of life he leads outside of this office. He does a lot for all of us, so we just leave him to it now. He deserves it a couple hours a month at least ".
Sakura nodded, he did do a lot for others. Her included.
I'm worried about you right now, I will always care about you, Sakura.
"I'll leave a note on his desk. Anyway, thanks Shikamaru."
He nodded as she smiled and made to leave.
"Oh, I meant to ask, how are Temari and the little one doing?"
At this she watched the expression on his face completely change to one of contentment.
"They are doing great. Starting to miss the days before he could talk back though y'know."
"He's talking? How old is he now, I can't have missed that much?"
Shikamaru laughed.
"He's two. We suspect he's been able to talk for a long while now but didn't want us to catch on that he knew exactly what we were asking him to do."
Sakura deadpanned.
"Oh shit, he's exactly like you."
"Yup. We're in trouble alright."
Now she was laughing as she finally left the office. She didn't necessarily mind the small talk about her friends and their families, she did still care for all of them. It just felt like a foreign world to her that she would never get to know, but sometimes she didn't mind that either.
Hastily scribbling a note to Kakashi she took a chance that he would find it better if she actually stuck it to his chair. Leaving it on the desk itself would practically ensure that he never found it in the mess that was left on top of it. She smirked, wondered a little at where the man may be, took the files and left.
It had been an exceedingly uninteresting day for Kakashi, his only solace being the small pockets of time he'd stolen to further research the hospital project. He'd been so wrapped up in it by the time he was meant to leave he was almost late for the regular appointment, not that being late usually bothered him, but this was of some importance.
The thing that actually startled him being that he'd completely forgotten momentarily what day it was. How could he forget the last Thursday of the month?
Sometimes it was the only time he'd get out in a calendar month. At least on business that wasn't to do with being a below average Hokage.
The arrangement had been taken under the advisement of Tsunade before she had left. You'll need to do it, Hatake. She had said in all her drunken glory, Kakashi thought she was kidding at first, but the woman had actually made referrals about it on his behalf. Increasingly she'd pestered him until he finally agreed to go along with it, and only then did he realize how much he really did need it.
He had approached it initially in the same aloof manner that he always did anything he wasn't so keen on. Like some of Guy's more ridiculous challenges. Tsunade had practically dragged him to the first session, berating him about the requirements for becoming Hokage. The second session had been just after Tsunade had left, more out of obligation than necessity.
The third session had been two years after that, and he had been the one to reach out for help. Because that was what he had needed, help.
Kakashi refused to call it therapy. Even though it was exactly that.
What has started as simply a mental assessment for his capabilities as Hokage had turned into a regular thing. When he had reached out for the help that had been offered to him years later he had been, in a word, lost. Desperate would be another way to put it. Those pesky feelings of inadequacy resurfaced during that entire moon fiasco.
There were many things they talked about during these sessions, all of them completely unrelated to his work. Which is what he had needed. An unbiased medical professional who listened and offered advice on healthy ways to approach his own distressing thoughts. Tsunade had been correct. The doctor himself was an expert in PTSD, well acclaimed with other veterans, and completely discreet. It was a situation that had lead Kakashi to develop new coping strategies, and in his decidedly better frame of mind, find new strengths to compensate for the loss of Obito's eye.
It was something he should have done years ago. But there was no use feeling guilty about a past he couldn't change.
Except the memories were still there, the nightmares too. And those ever present pesky feelings. Even after the end of the last war and peace had settled.
Doctor Crane had many theories about it, but all in all, no matter how healthy a person was physically, the mind was a different matter. And PTSD could strike at anytime. It was a known fate for many Shinobi, but they often did not live long enough to see it through. Or like Jiraiya, and even Guy, they found increasingly absurd coping mechanisms.
So Kakashi had decided it was a good thing to keep both his mind and his body in check. He even relished the regular physical challenges from Guy. And like that exercise, these sessions were just as crucial to his fragile wellbeing.
It was not therapy. It was just a check up.
Usually the two hours went by quickly enough, the conversation flowing naturally to the point where Kakashi really did feel he was just having a chat with an acquaintance. But the guy had a knack for knowing when there was something that needed to be said, or registering things Kakashi's own mind refused to let him admit out loud. For all Kakashi's thinking the doctor was probably part Yamanaka the way he got into his head.
Today they had enough for a quite a substantial conversation. It hadn't started that way, it had started how it always did, with the doctor asking exactly what he had been up to outside of office hours. And Kakashi replied in the same way he always did, that it was always office hours for a Hokage, but when he made a flippant comment about ramen with a former student things had picked up from there.
Kakashi hadn't needed to omit any details regarding the children's hospital project because they had never gotten that far. Dr Crane had listened up to the point where they had gone for ramen and then began questioning why exactly Kakashi felt perturbed by not knowing about Sasuke and Sakura's breakup.
"Why do you think it bothered me so much?"
Eventually he had gotten annoyed by the line of questioning as if it was going nowhere and wasting his time. So Kakashi had aimed the question back at him.
"I'm not sure." Had been the reply. "It could be a trust issue, that those close to you didn't feel it necessary to bother you. More than that, it could likely be to do with your own feelings of failure, anger at yourself for not seeing it when you feel you should have. It could be many more things…"
As Kakashi walked the streets of Konoha slowly back to Hokage tower he ruminated on what those many more things could possibly be. They'd talked about a few of them. But growing increasingly uncomfortable about it Kakashi had masterfully changed the subject and continued to talk about the next nights interaction. Dr Crane had been oddly quiet about it all, just letting him go into detail about what had transpired. Including the strange compulsion to force Sakura to sit down in his own chair. The doctor had nodded, gave nothing away on his face, but perhaps jotted a few more things down than usual. Kakashi hadn't always allowed him to document the sessions, but after he'd been shown the scroll and seals used to store it he'd acquiesced.
The tower loomed in front of him with the sun setting behind. He sighed.
It all came back to feeling like a failure to his precious people. But now at least he was in a position to do something. He realized that having that kind of professional help available to all troubled shinobi would save a lot of them. Sure they'd resist it as well, but if they were anything like him they would know soon enough. After so much loss it gets hard to reach out, much easier to hide, and just knowing that someone was there to help had made all the difference to him at least.
That was one of the reasons he'd jumped so readily at Sakura's proposal, the more he thought about the past treatment of Konoha's orphans and traumatized shinobi, himself included, the more he realized it was necessary. Not just for him. And not just because of some compulsive need he felt to help Sakura, although that was certainly part of it, he'd failed her so much already. Kakashi had hidden that detail from Dr. Crane entirely. Although judging by the way he'd left the session, the doctor already had his suspicions. It had ended with the usual homework assignment, find a hobby NOT work related. But as he'd been about to leave there had been an added task, try and talk to others more.
Shikamaru and the rest had all gone, leaving one lowly clerk dozing in the offices downstairs, the lamp had been left on in his own office. Kakashi let out the sigh he'd been holding in since he'd entered the building. Talking to others was not exactly his forte. Sure he could talk to Guy if he wanted to, and on occasion if he was desperate he would do just that. But he had the feeling the kind of talking that Dr. Crane was asking him to do didn't fall into that sort of category. The doctor had pestered him before about opening up to those he trusted, not just to a therapist, Kakashi had argued that it wasn't therapy and they'd ended up going in circles.
Glancing at his intray, he moved to grab the small pile, smirking inwardly at the much smaller dark blue report on top. Sakura's day had been a lot less exciting that yesterday. Good, he thought. She really did deserve a rest, even if she didn't want it.
He'd flicked it open before he even reached his chair, curious to see what she had been up to. The feeling was a strange revelation to him, he'd certainly never been that eager to hear about her day before now. Perhaps it had something to do with the conspicuously absent hospital plans from beside that intray. He'd noticed that almost immediately.
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
The question replayed in his mind like an accusation. When he'd unwillingly taken out his inadequacies in her direction, and been upset by a breakup that she was clearly one hundred percent over, she had comforted him. It was ridiculous, pathetic even. So of course he was going to treat her nicely, on top of this she'd also offered possibly the greatest project of his tenure.
Dropping the stack onto the desk with a depressing thud Kakashi went to take his seat and paused, eyeing the piece of paper that was tacked into the back of it. Pulling it off his smirk was replaced with a genuine smile. It was only a brief note, but it was probably the best one that had been left for him in a while. Though Naruto's disturbingly accurate Icha Icha doodle would always hold a special place inside his wallet.
"Sensei,
All charged up and at the library with our project. Feel free to join me if you can, it's a pretty neat place.
Sakura
- dinner will be provided"
Before he registered what was happening his body had begun to move of its own accord, pocketing the note and flicking the lamps off with zeal.
Up until now that library had been his favourite project, any excuse to go there was greatly appreciated, though there was no way that Sakura could have known that. But maybe she did. He had spoken with her quite openly about how bored he'd been… Kakashi's thought processes shifted as he exited the building.
Try and talk to others more…
It was the 'more' at the end of that sentence that now suddenly held meaning. He had been talking to her more than anyone else. At least, about things unrelated to the running of the village. It hadn't been a conscious decision for him to do so, the words had just kind of formed once he'd learned of all that she had been through.
More than anything he wanted Sakura to be able to talk to him as well, she couldn't end up like him. She was too kind, and she deserved kindness in return.
Kakashi made the decision to continue to be nice to her, and hoped like hell it was enough to make her realize… she deserved more.