Why me? I understand what has happened, I get it all from a medical view, but I can't wrap my head around it. I can't get that it's me and not a patient. I don't feel any different, I wouldn't know if she hadn't showed up, it would have been another day, a day I live everyday. Apparently. That's what gets me the most. If I wasn't told today it would just be that day again, it wouldn't be a new one. I'm not sure if I'm grateful or not for this awareness, this is a lot to take in.
So it's the end of the day and I am grateful, full heartily grateful. But also terrified now.
I'm not going to remember those blue eyes that looked at me with the most honest emotion I've ever seen. I could feel it, everything I could see in the ocean that is Gail's eyes, I felt.
I'm not going to remember the sound of her smooth voice saying my name in awe, in reassurance, in teasing.
I'm not going to remember how safe and together I felt when in her arms.
Tomorrow will be the same day for me, it's not going to be new. I'm going to wake up in the morning without knowing who Gail is and it shouldn't hurt this much. I've known her one day -two days I've been corrected- and it's killing me.
Gail woke with a new found lightness, a smile in her chest, she knew she should give it a day or two before going back to the diner but she couldn't wait. She had to see those gentle brown eyes that glowed under her stare, that stupid lopsided grin that put a flutter in her heart, to hear the jingle of a laugh that flipped her stomach, and the over all woman that has made her into this morning smile. Gail Peck, smiling in the morning, before coffee.
She checked herself in the rear view mirror twice before walking into the small diner, going straight to the same booth they shared the morning prior and sat down with a 'morning, Nerd'.
Holly was sitting in almost the same position as yesterday, her nose in a book covering most of her face, plate half eaten and off to the side, coffee cupped tight in one hand and her hair tucked loosely behind one ear. But when Gail sat down her head shot up, and her eyes changed from curious friendliness to who-the-fuck-are-you-and-what-are-you-doing real quick.
Holly sighed. "It's a little too early for this don't you think?" She asked tight lipped.
Gail was confused now, was Holly playing some sort of game? "What?"
Holly put her book down as if she was going to have to put all of her attention into explaining something to someone who was never going to get it. "This isn't going to happen, ok. I would like to sit here, alone, in peace to read my book and eat my breakfast. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would enjoy having breakfast with you, so why don't you go find them?"
Gail was taken back,
Holly was acting like she didn't know her. "Did I do something, Holly?"
Her eyebrows shot up, "how do you know my name?" her voice a little raised in a sort of panic.
"Um, we had breakfast together yesterday. Sat right here talking until lunch, which is when you drove me home." Gail said with caution, highly confused.
Before Holly really had a chance to say anything else Alice came over to the table in a flurry, some guy not far behind her. Alice grabbed Gail by her arm and pulled her to her feet, dragging her to the back door. When the reached the door and got outside Alice let go and began pacing the small deck.
"I'm sorry-fuck, I knew it. I should have told you yesterday, I knew it. I just couldn't get you away from her and-ugh. I'm sorry." she ran her hands through her short hair.
"What is going on? What should you have told me?" Gail touched her arm to stop the pacing. The movement was making her nauseous.
Alice looked into her eyes, a sad frown on her lips that reached her entire face. "Holly is special. She was in an accident a year ago and she relives that day everyday, she can't retain any new memories." the sadness was apparent in her voice too.
"W-what?"
"When Holly goes to sleep at night that day is wiped clean. She doesn't know you, she doesn't remember you or anything from the past year, it leaves her memory the moment she goes to sleep." Alice explained. "And I saw you guys yesterday and I knew you'd come back. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
Gail was frozen, this was, it just- it's a lot to take in to say the least.
"It's not your fault." she found herself trying to comfort the woman. "There wasn't a chance you could tell me, not without her hearing and that-" realization hit her. It hit her hard. "that would freak her out. Oh god. Oh my god, what have I done." she reached up and tangled her fingers in her hair. "She must be a wreck, what have I done?" Gail looked to Alice, begging for answers.
"It's ok, this isn't the first time she's been told. It just means she's going to have a bad day and it will all go away and back to normal tomorrow." Alice was now rubbing Gail's arm, trying to calm her. Usually she would step out of the touch, shrug it off but she was lost right now.
She always screwed things up, always brought dark clouds wherever she went. Holly was the last person she wanted to bring such things upon.
"Is she ok?" she managed to whisper.
"Somedays she takes it better than others, I hope today is one of the better ones."
"Can I see her?"
Alice bit her lip, contemplating on how good of an idea that was. "We can go see."
Gail nodded and they slowly walked back into the diner, the smell of breakfast no longer comforting, and the chatter much quieter.
Turning the corner she caught sight of her, Holly's olive cheeks tear streaked, hair tousled, -probably in the same way Gail's was- and in what looked to be shock.
Their arrival didn't go unnoticed long when Holly whispered Alice's name in a small plea, giving Gail a quick glance the blonde couldn't read. Holly wrapped little Alice into an urgent embrace, her body shuddering slightly.
Gail wasn't sure what to do with herself, she had no right to be there, to wait for a greeting she now knew she wouldn't ever get. The thought brought on a sickness that almost made her double over.
She felt like she had gotten stabbed when one of the silent soft chokes turned into a son, the sound made her take a step forward. No, Gail reprimanded herself. Just leave, Alice will take care of her and she'll be fine. It's not like she knows who you are, there's no comfort you can bring. Just leave.
She was walking by them -it was the only way out- when a hand reached out and caught her by the wrist.
"Wait." it came out in a pathetic croak. Holly had her, tightly gripping her wrist, asking her to stay.
She couldn't speak so she just froze and stared at the point where the current of electricity originated in her body, where warm tan met cool pale.
Holly wanted to visit the doctor who had treated her, to have him explain it to her the way no one else could, she had questions that only he could answer. And so they went. They being Holly, Gail, Alice and Holly's brother, -the guy behind Alice before she pulled her out back- Andrew.
To say the car ride was awkward was an understatement. Alice and Andrew were up front so it left Gail and Holly in the small backseat of Alice's tiny car, in an awkward sit-as-far-as-possible way.
Gail was a stranger to Holly, she had to keep reminding herself, she had to treat Holly as one too. She had to distance herself. That was until Holly started with the questions.
"How long ago?" she asked to no one in particular. She sounded so far away, out of this car, not even in the same planet, and small. Holly sounded so small and unsure.
"14 months." Andrew answered with a tight lip. He'd done this before, many times before and was just waiting for all of the questions his sister had every time she was aware.
Holly nodded. "And this isn't the first time?"
He shook his head and made a left turn.
"And I've met you before?" she was looking at Gail now, the first time since they got in the car -Gail was painfully aware of that. But Gail couldn't answer, so she turned to Alice for help.
"Yes. Gail came into the diner yesterday and you guys spent all morning talking, then you drove her into town."
She turned back to look at Gail for confirmation, and went back to staring out the window after Gail nodded. Holly left it at that and stayed quiet the rest of the drive.
When they got to the healthcare center Holly stopped Gail by grabbing her wrist again, her brows furrowed. She waited for Alice and her brother to go to the counter, and took a deep breath before speaking, "did anything happen? Between us I mean."
"No, nothing happened. You just drove me home and left with the promise of more breakfasts, nothing more." Gail stuttered, not able to meet her eyes.
Holly let go of her wrist, "I'm sorry" she whispered.
Gail's head shot up in surprise, "what do you have to be sorry about?"
Holly started to nervously play with her hands, "for this. I'm sorry for bringing you into this"
"You didn't know yesterday, there was no stopping it. I kinda forced myself into this unknowingly, but I'm glad you let me come today."
"Why?"
"I'm just as curious as you are and, I don't know, I can't just leave you when I'm the one who did this." Gail fought for the right words. "And it's an excuse to hang out with you again?" she could feel her cheeks heat up.
Holly smiled the faintest of smiles and Gail's heart melted. "You really want to hang out with me? Even if it's at a hospital and I spend the whole time crying because I no longer have a life?"
"Yes." Gail chuckled and Holly joined. It was a bitter, dark laugh but it was laughter. "You're presences is worth it."
Holly just stared into her eyes, like she was checking how serious Gail was being and when she found not one hint of a lie she blessed her with that damn lopsided smile.
"She's ready to see you, if you want, Hols." Alice called to them.
The doctor was great. She was patient with both women and answered every question thoroughly, she had a way of speaking that calmed and reassured but was professional and kept it to the point.
There were more tears, and hugs, and soft arm strokes, dead eyes and looks of lostness. And then it was numb.
After the hospital they went to Holly and Andrew's house and Holly locked herself in her room. Gail was also left alone for a while on the back porch.
It was a lot to take in. Not just what was happening to Holly, the worry and the sadness, but how much it affected herself. She was personally effected by this and how much she felt apart of it was what threw her through a loop. She couldn't find it in herself to just walk away. Not today at least.
Soon Holly came out, sat next to her, and placed a hand on her knee but didn't say anything. The two sat like that for a while, a half hour or so Gail guessed.
"Thank you for being here today." Holly whispered.
"My pleasure."
There was a long pause before Holly spoke again. "Sunflowers are my favourite flower, really good cheesy pickup lines work, sending me a strawberry milkshake will definitely get you to talking with me, and-"
"What are you doing?" Gail asked amusingly.
"I'm telling you quick ways to my heart." Holly smiled.
It'd been three days since she last saw Holly, three days since her world changed, three excruciating days and all she did was mope around the cabin thinking about the brunette. Think about Holly and what she'd be doing, about the list of things she'd given her and what that meant, about what she was even going to do with it all. She'd text'd Alice to see how everything was the next day, when questions came to mind, when she just needed to talk.
Charlotte was gone the past week, she hadn't heard from her since the party and was kind of glad. Gail didn't know if she could explain what was happening just yet. She hardly knew what was happening, sure she liked Holly, that was a given but why stay? That was a lie, she knew why. Holly made her feel things she'd never knew possible and she didn't even have to try, Holly just being herself in Gail's pressense was enough to put her in the clouds.
So she found herself at the door of the diner again, half hoping Holly would be there and half hoping she wasn't.
Walking inside there she sat, nose deep in the same book, probably the same pages she's read a thousand times, but she didn't have a plate of food just coffee. Gail locked eyes with Alice as she sat down at the counter and the petite waitress came over instantly.
"Not to be rude but, what're you doing here, Gail?"
"I am here for a big order of the hangover cure." she tried a smile.
Alice's eye narrowed but she accepted it and turned back into the kitchen.
Gail tried to distract herself with her phone, going through her messages she got in the past four days and playing various games but it wasn't working. She could feel Holly, she was right there and it hurt but it was better than her not being in the same room.
Alice placed her food in front of her, "I know you're not here just for pancakes. Tread lightly, there are a lot of people out here who are very protective when it comes to Holly."
Gail nodded along sheepishly.
As she ate she ran through ways to approach Holly, ways she could at least get a hello, maybe a smile -that's all she needed. Just something, anything, directed at her.
"Alice."
"Yes Gail?"
"Can you give Holly a strawberry milkshake for me?"
Alice smiled, "and who told you that's her favourite drink?"
"She did." Gail smiled at the memory, the list Holly had given her was a decent size, it gave her various ways to meet her and it gave her the confidence to even try. She liked Gail enough to say she could meet her again, she gave her tips on how to best do it.
"I'll be rooting for you." the black haired girl winked as she walked over to Holly's booth with the pink drink.
Holly's eyes widened, a bright smile graced her lips and soon she was directing both at Gail.
She turned away, suddenly bashful. What is this girl doing to you, Peck? She didn't have to wait long as when Alice passed to go back to the kitchen she told Gail to go sit with the brunette that has been invading her every thought for days.
"Thank you for the milkshake. It's my favourite." Holly smiled from around the straw.
Gail sat in the seat across from her and met her smile, "I'm glad you like it."
They sat there for a moment, just looking each other over and bashfully turning away. "I'm Holly."
"A beautiful name for an even more beautiful woman."
What was Gail doing? She didn't say these things, these were the words of some mushy rom-com, the type of things Gail makes fun of. But the reaction those words elicited out of the woman was all she needed to forget how stupid she felt, that blush and twinkling brown eyes was well worth sounding like an idiot.
"I don't know how to respond to that." she admitted.
Gail shrugged. "I'm Gail, encase you were wondering."
"It's nice to meet you Gail."