WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

Disclaimer: The characters in CSI: New York and CSI: Miami do not belong to me. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.

Summary: After her and Danny's difficult break-up, Lindsay Monroe is transferred to the Miami Crime Lab. Two years later and the past comes knocking on her door. AU as of 'Right Next Door'.

Notes: Hi! A new instalment for you. I know this is a long time coming and a lot lot later then I indicated in some of my review replies ages ago . Unfortunately, real life got in the way for a while and I haven't had much time to write or post.

This story is turning out to be quite difficult to get right as well because, while I don't condone cheating, I am trying to be sympathetic to both Danny and Lindsay's characters. The two year gap helps with that, I think, but it's a fine line to walk all the same. I hope I'm managing it ok. There are more Author Notes at the end but they're kind of spoilery for this chapter so don't read them unless you've read it first.

OOOOOO

Part 2 – Confrontations

Dawn; three days later…

Danny lay on his back in his hotel room bed, gazing up at the ceiling as his mind mulled over the events of the previous few days. He'd told Mac he could handle it and he was...

Just.

It didn't help that the more time he spent in Lindsay's presence, the more acutely he missed her. Two years apart and she still had a way of getting under his skin like no-one else could. Everything was all very polite and civilised between them and it was driving him crazy. The cool efficiency with which she approached their situation was like a knife that kept continually twisting inside of him. He wanted her anger, her hurt, her pain - anything but this.

Every so often, she forgot herself and flashes of the woman he used to know came through. Her attention would be distracted and she'd be lured into bantering with him before she realised what she was doing. These transient moments of personal reconnection never lasted very long however. The strictly professional demeanour she'd adopted around him would reassert itself the minute she became aware of the involuntary shift in her attitude towards him, and then they'd be back to the status quo before he had the time to blink.

He hated it. He wanted to yell with the frustration of it all, but he couldn't. He was responsible. He'd brought this on himself so he had to accept the consequences now, however much he might want to wish them away. If this was the way she wanted to handle things then he had no right to run roughshod over that. She had a new life. She was happy. The fact that he was miserable was irrelevant.

Rising from the bed, he wandered into the bathroom and showered and dressed on auto-pilot. The case was difficult and frustrating, but they were finally making some headway with it. Mac was planning to fly back to New York in a few days time, but he had instructed Danny to remain here in Miami until the job was done.

"You need to see this through," he'd declared the previous evening and Danny had known that he'd been talking about more than just the case. "It'll be good experience for you."

It was an experience that Danny would sooner avoid. Back home in New York, it was easier to forget the past. He'd been driven to write the letter to Lindsay because he wanted to explain, to apologise for his actions. He needed to purge himself of the guilt he felt, but in doing so he hadn't wanted to mess up her life more than he already had. He had a feeling that if he remained here in Miami for too much longer, he could end up doing just that. He wasn't a patient man. At some point he was going to push things beyond what was acceptable. And then there'd be more guilt, more heartache to contend with. It was a no-win situation as far as he was concerned.

Watching the turmoil on his fellow CSI's face as they drove to the Lab an hour or so later, Mac Taylor wasn't so pessimistic about the outcome. Lindsay had surrounded herself with a wall of professionalism that was as transparent as glass. If she was as happy as she claimed, the emotional protection wouldn't have been necessary. She knew the truth now, knew that Danny's indifference to her hadn't been all that it had seemed, that his problems had been so much more profound than any of them had realised. Maybe it would all end in tears, but it could also put paid to all the 'what ifs?' that still lay between them.

In his opinion, they needed to either let go or move forward. Right now, they were doing neither, and, as a result, were locked in a stasis that paralysed them both into inactivity. He'd learned, via some surreptitious questioning, that Lindsay's boyfriend wanted her to move in with him, but that she was resisting taking that next step. As for Danny, he hadn't dated anyone seriously since Lindsay had left. He'd made a few half-hearted attempts at getting his personal life back on track in recent months, but always seemed to find his companions wanting after the first few dates.

"You're match-making, Mac," Stella had told him on the phone earlier that morning. Her voice was alight with underlying amusement. He understood why. It wasn't really in his nature to interfere in his team's personal lives in this way.

"I guess I am, but for good reason. If they don't deal with this now then it's going to haunt them for the rest of their lives. I think I know a bit about hanging onto to something to the detriment of moving forward. In the end, all you end up is lonely."

Stella, as always, picked up on exactly what he was trying to say. "Claire wouldn't have wanted that for you, Mac," she told him.

"I know and I don't think Danny or Lindsay want that for each other either. That's entirely my point."

"Okay, but don't blame me if it all goes spectacularly wrong."

"I won't. I'll just expect you to help me pick up the pieces."

Stella laughed.

"You think this is a mistake," Mac stated rather than asked.

"Not necessarily. I just don't think it's going to be as straightforward as you imagine. I've met Steven – he's a nice guy. He adores Lindsay and treats her well. He's steady and reliable, and, with the greatest respect in the world, Danny is neither. You know I love him but he's always going to be a bit unpredictable. He loves Lindsay, I know that, but whether he's what she needs is another matter. What he did shattered the trust between them and that's not something that can be easily rebuilt."

"So you think she needs someone steadier in her life? Someone less erratic? More dependable?" Mac enquired.

"I think that's what she thinks she needs and that's your problem. Convincing her otherwise when that route has only ever caused her pain is not going to be easy."

Mac sighed.

"But…" Stella continued after a brief pause, "Not entirely impossible, I think."

Mac smiled. "You don't think this is a mistake."

"I think I'm biased. I want to see Danny happy again to tell you the truth. I know his behaviour towards Lindsay was downright despicable, but that was one hell of a self-destruct button he pushed back then. In the end, the consequences hurt him just as much as they hurt her. I think if they can find a way to work through all that, they can be happy again."

"A win-win situation."

"Exactly."

The trill ring of his cell phone brought Mac back into the present, and he answered the call with his usual brusque efficiency. "Mac Taylor."

He listened for a moment as he pulled out a notepad from his shirt pocket. "Yes… Yes okay, what's the address?"

He scribbled it down on his pad and then listened to caller again. "All right. I'll do that."

With a sharp snap, he shut off his cell and turned to Danny who was driving. "Delko got a hit from the partial fingerprint you managed to pull from the brush handle. Drop me off at the Lab and then go pick up Lindsay from her apartment. He's emailing her the details."

Tearing the top sheet off his pad, he handed it to Danny as they pulled into the drop-off zone outside the Miami Dade Crime Lab.

"Do you want us to bring the suspect in?" Danny asked as Mac exited the car.

"It's your call. See how it plays out. Things are a little different here in Miami so take your lead from Lindsay."

Danny nodded. "'Kay. See you later."

He pulled away from the sidewalk with a squeal of tires. It took him twenty minutes to drive across the city to the neighbourhood where Lindsay lived and then another ten minutes to locate her apartment complex. A flash of his badge got him through the security gates and then he was driving down a white gravel driveway to the resident's garage. He handed his keys to the parking attendant and then followed the directions to apartment number 10.

"Nice," he muttered under his breath as he looked around.

The opulence of the place surprised him. It was a far cry from her shoe-box sized apartment in Manhattan, that was for sure, but this was Miami and style was paramount. He rang the doorbell and waited. Footsteps approached, the door opened and he found himself face to face with a tall, blond man about his own age. "Yes?" the stranger enquired politely.

The man was tanned and dressed in a loose-fitting pale cream designer suit that announced his wealth in a surprisingly unassuming way. Underneath the suit, he wore a rather casual t-shirt in a piercing green colour, while his shoes were Italian-made and clearly expensive.

Danny leaned backwards to double-check the apartment number and then squared his shoulders. "I was looking for Lindsay," he announced.

His accent obviously gave him away because the other man's green eyes immediately hardened to agates.

So this is The Boyfriend, Danny shrewdly surmised. Good-looking, eligible and unmistakably successful. The kind of guy a lot of women would view as excellent marriage material, he reluctantly concluded.

"You're Messer." The man's tone was as warm as an artic blast, but Danny refused to let the less than cordial attitude intimidate him.

"Last time I checked, yeah," he replied glibly. "Is she in?"

He stepped over the threshold without being invited in. For a moment it appeared as if Steven would move to block his path, but after a moment's hesitation, he reluctantly stepped aside and allowed Danny to progress further into the apartment's living space.

"Steven, I…"

Lindsay bustled out of the bedroom, still fixing her earrings, and then stopped in her tracks when she saw Danny. "Oh! You're here already," she flustered. "I wasn't expecting you yet. Eric only emailed me the details on our suspect a few minutes ago. I wasn't supposed to be on until ten. He said that they…"

"You're rambling," Danny cut in blandly. "You do that when you're nervous."

Something flashed in her eyes and he felt a thrill of satisfaction at making her react for once. So he was being a little belligerent, but there was only so much of her politeness he could take. And she wasn't helping either – dressed as she was. She wore a jade-green halter-neck top, slim beige-coloured pants and kitten-heeled sandals in a colour that coordinated with her top. The outfit was smart and business-like as was befitting her job - but it was also remarkably sexy. She'd never dressed like that in New York.

He looked down at his own attire. Despite the heat, he'd resolutely clung to his New York style – his black jeans were simply fashioned out of a thinner cut of denim and he'd swapped the shirts and long-sleeved tees for short-sleeved, well-fitting t-shirts. Today's was a deep maroon colour. He glanced over at The Boyfriend. Geez! They were practically wearing his and her outfits. It was not the Lindsay he knew and something inside him rebelled.

"Well if I'd known about the colour code, I would've worn the green," he said sarcastically.

"Danny!" Lindsay's voice was sharp, warning in tone. He ignored her.

The Boyfriend wasn't so easy to ignore however. "Is it your mission in life to cause trouble?" he demanded. "Or is that just an unfortunate character flaw?"

"Steven," Lindsay moved to stand between the two men as the testosterone level in the room spiked. "It's ok."

Steven wasn't going to back down though. She could tell by the stubborn set of his chin, the unfamiliar coolness in his green eyes. "I won't let him hurt you again, Lindsay," he declared. "Wasn't once enough for you?"

Danny's temper instantly deflated at that. He rubbed the palm of his hand wearily across his face. "I'll wait in the car," he said and then turned on his heel and left.

Lindsay watched him go with a sharp pang. She'd never seen him so defeated. Where had all the fire gone?

"Lindsay, you don't have to put up with this, you know. Report him to Horatio and he'll be on the next plane back to New York."

Lindsay drew in a deep breath. "Everything isn't as it seems, Steven," she told him quietly. "What I told you – it wasn't the whole story. I thought it was at the time, but I know differently now."

"Does that change what he did to you?"

"No, but in some ways it makes it easier to understand."

"So now you're making excuses for him."

"No, no, of course not, but it's been two years. It's time to let it go."

Steven reached out and cupped her chin in his hand. "If you really mean that, then do it, Lindsay. Let it go."

Lindsay stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. "I already did. I'm with you, aren't I?"

"But part of you is still in New York."

Lindsay sighed. "The last couple of years have not been easy for me, you know that."

"I know," Steven said.

Stroking his fingers through her hair, he leaned his forehead against hers and looked down into her big brown eyes. "Whatever the circumstances though, Lindsay," he went on soothingly. "You don't owe him a thing. He has no right to expect anything from you."

Lindsay nodded. "I know that."

"But you want to give it anyway," Steven said with an indulgent smile. "You're too nice for your own good, you know that? I guess that's why I love you. You're so… genuine. In my world, that's somewhat of a novelty."

Moved by his words, Lindsay pressed her lips to his once more and then stepped back, scooping up the folder containing the print-out of the information that Delko had emailed her as she headed for the door.

"I'll see you later," she said over her shoulder.

"Dinner at my place?" her boyfriend asked.

She smiled. "Sounds wonderful."

"That's a date then."

After bidding him farewell, she stepped out into the humid heat and walked slowly down the path towards the security gate. She could see Danny waiting in the car outside on the street. He had his forehead pressed against the steering wheel and his shoulders were slumped. He jerked upright when she slid into the passenger seat though.

"So where to?" he asked, refusing to look at her.

"Danny…" she started.

"He knows," he interrupted, abruptly cutting off what she'd been going to say.

Lindsay sighed. "Yes," she concurred. "I told him - some of it at least anyway."

Danny drew in a breath. "I'm sorry, Lindsay. I just… I can't act like this is nothing anymore."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"I think you don't want to face it so you're pretending everything's normal."

"And can you blame me? You… I…"

"What?" He was pushing her but he was finally getting a reaction and it felt good.

She broke despite her best efforts to remain in control. "You broke my heart, Danny! First, you ignored me and then you cast me aside like I was a piece of garbage!"

He didn't flinch away from the brutal reality of it. "I know," he agreed.

"And now you're trying to make excuses. I'm supposed to feel sorry for you," she said bitterly. "Well, too bad, it doesn't work that way, despite what everyone thinks."

"Everyone?"

"Mac! Stella! Everyone! You know what I mean!"

Danny looked at her. Unfortunately, he did. They were all so staunchly supportive of him that they were unintentionally heaping unreasonable expectation on her.

"If they wanted me to… well, they should have told me at the time, shouldn't they? Not two &! years later!"

Danny smiled at her vehemence in spite of himself. "I asked them not to."

"I know, Mac said. Why?"

"Because…" Danny stopped.

He couldn't really say why he'd made the decisions he had back then. He wasn't exactly in the most rational frame of mind at the time. He made an indelicate sound of exasperation in the back of his throat when his mind would not provide the answer to her question.

"I don't know."

"God Danny! I don't… I don't want to do this. Not here, not now. We have work to do and Steven…" she trailed off.

Danny nodded and gunned the engine. They drove along in silence for several minutes.

"Do you love him?"

The question was direct and the answer simple. "Yes."

There was silence. She looked over at him. His jaw was tight and she could see he was struggling to hold onto his emotions. "But not in the same way that I loved you," she added.

It was tragic; she'd never once told him she loved him whilst they'd been happy. It had all gone horribly wrong before she'd had the chance. It was incredibly ironic that when she'd finally had the opportunity to say the words; it was already too late for them to mean what they should have done.

"Steven is good for me," she said on a resigned sigh. "He doesn't… I know where I am with him. There are no hidden layers. We just… are. He makes me feel safe, I guess."

Danny nodded. "Well, I asked." His voice was thick, his emotions only just remaining in check.

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I didn't expect… Not after… It's ok."

She reached out and placed her hand over his on the steering wheel and felt him shudder at the contact. "I think this is it up ahead," she said quietly.

Danny pulled into the street she pointed out and drew the car to a stop outside their suspect's million-dollar home. His fingers were still entwined in hers as he surveyed the residence. "Fancy," he declared.

He turned to look at her and she could see the heartache and the ever-present guilt shining in his blue eyes. Something inside her broke. Time rewound two and a half years and she was once again looking at the broken man who was struggling to accept that the body in the autopsy bay was truly that of the little boy he'd watched ride away on his newly-blessed bike only a few hours earlier. She didn't think, or contemplate; she just acted. She leaned forward and kissed him because, in that moment, it seemed like the thing to do…

She shouldn't have. The spark flickered and quickly took flame. He curled his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her close, deepening her tentative embrace before she had the chance to object. When he released her – stunned and breathless – a few moments later, she immediately panicked. Her heart was hammering like a drum-beat inside her chest. Oh God! What had she done? This wasn't what she wanted and Steven…

She closed her eyes against the wave of guilt. "Danny."

He brushed the swell of her cheek with gentle fingers. She opened her eyes. Understanding shone back at her from his. "A proper goodbye," he said, so quietly she barely heard him.

"Yes," she agreed in a whisper, "A proper goodbye."

Danny lightly touched her bottom lip with his forefinger and then forced himself to retreat. "So we should check out this suspect," he said, getting purposely out the car.

After drawing in a deep breath to steady her nerves, Lindsay followed suit and trailed him up the driveway to the house…

OOOOOO

Later that night…

It was another dead-end. An adulterous wife but no murderer.

Lindsay could relate. She shivered as Steven ran a finger over her bare shoulder and down the length of her arm. He leaned in and kissed the side of her neck, his hand settling over the slight swell of her belly as he pulled her back against him. She twisted in his arms and looked up into his face. "I kissed Danny," she blurted out before she could stop herself.

Steven went rigid. Her eyes immediately filled with tears of remorse. He was a good man, more than she deserved, and, what was worse, she knew how this felt. She still couldn't quite believe she'd crossed that line when she'd experienced the other side of it so vividly. It was thoughtless. It was stupid. It was…

"Why?" Steven asked in a brittle tone.

"I don't know. He looked so defeated, so lost, and I…"

Steven shoved the bedclothes aside and rose to his feet, angrily tugging on his robe. "What? Wanted to make him feel better?"

"No, yes, I… I don't know! I told him I loved you."

"But you kissed him anyway."

Lindsay sat up, clutching the sheet to her breasts. "It was… an impulse thing. It wasn't… I didn't want it. Not like that. It was… goodbye, I guess. We never really properly ended it, you know? There was so much left unsaid, so many things left unresolved between us."

"And sticking your tongue down his throat resolved them, did it?"

"Steven!"

She was actually shocked at the venom in his tone. He was normally so easy-going - not that he didn't have a right to be angry, but even so. It wasn't as if she hadn't been honest with him – now or before this. But what kind of excuse was that for what she'd done? "I'm sorry I don't know how to…"

"Move in with me."

She blinked at the sudden change in direction. "What?"

"You say you love me. You told him you love me. Well then prove it and move in with me, Lindsay."

She stalled. "I can't. Not yet. We already talked about this. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment. I need more time."

"Because you're not sure that I'm really what you want."

"No, no, that's not true. I love you, I do."

"But part of you still hasn't gotten over him." Steven's tone was weary now rather than angry, "Even now, after all this time."

She wanted to deny it but she couldn't. "I never lied to you and said this was going to be easy, Steven," she reminded him. "I told you there were some issues that I still had to work through when we first got involved. I know it seems like I should have done that by now, but some things are not that easy. This isn't a black and white situation. It should be but it isn't."

Running his hands exasperatedly through his hair, Steven came back to the bed, sat down on the mattress beside her and took her shoulders in his hands. "What is it that I don't know, Lindsay?" he demanded, shaking her slightly. "Because – god help me – I don't understand why this guy deserves so much of your consideration after the way he treated you. You were doing okay. I thought we were finally moving forward, and then you suddenly did a complete u-turn on me and now we seem to be back at square one."

She looked at him. He'd been so understanding throughout all of this. From day one, he'd let her dictate the pace of their relationship even though she knew he wanted more from her. He'd given her the room to sort herself out because he cared about her, because he trusted that when she eventually managed to put all the pieces of the messed-up jigsaw puzzle of her life together, she'd reward his patience with her heart. Because of that, she owed him the truth.

"He had a breakdown," she told him. "He was hospitalised for several weeks because of it."

Steven's eyes widened but he said nothing, choosing to let her continue with her story instead.

"It happened about six weeks after I left New York, although I didn't know anything about it until recently. Danny wrote me a letter about a month ago. Why he chose to tell me now rather than back then, I have no idea, but it opened up some old wounds for me. It's not an excuse for what he did, I know that, but it is the explanation I never had. He was my best friend as well as my lover, Steven, and that made it so much harder to understand why he would do something like that to me. It just didn't figure with the man I knew him to be."

She paused, gathered her thoughts, wanting him to understand how knowing the full story had affected her. "And now that I do know everything, I can't hate him anymore. I don't believe he intentionally meant to hurt me. He was trying to hurt himself more than anything."

"He did hurt you though, Lindsay," Steven pointed out.

She nodded. "Yes, he did - more than anyone else ever has - so don't think for a second that I can just forget that because I can't. I know he's genuinely sorry for what he did, but it doesn't make it right. It doesn't make me feel any less betrayed. I can't just pretend it never happened."

"Question is - can you forgive him for it?"

Lindsay paused to think about it for a moment. "I don't know," she eventually replied.

"Try," Steven urged.

When her brow furrowed in confusion, he explained his reasoning. "I want all of you, Lindsay. And while part of you still holds onto the past, I don't have that. Forgive him and then maybe you can move on."

Maybe she could, but that didn't mean it'd be in the direction that he wanted and that's what worried her. Could she really be part of that rollercoaster ride again? Once she got back on, there'd be no going back. But if she didn't face up to it, there'd be no going forward either. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

"I'm sorry," she said. "About the kiss, I mean. That was wrong, so wrong. I… Danny's letter and now him being here… well, it's stirred up some things that I thought I'd confined to the past. It's not about you and the way I feel about you, it's about the things that are still left unresolved inside of me. I'm scared – I'm scared of getting hurt that way again."

Her boyfriend nodded as he slid back into the bed beside her and pulled her close. "I understand that," he said as he curled an arm around her shoulder. "But the past is the past, Lindsay. You can't change it and you can't go back. You need to concentrate on the here and now, not drive yourself crazy over what might have been. What we have together is good, isn't it?"

"Yes," she said, relaxing into his embrace.

"Then focus on that. Put all this business with Danny behind you. He's had two years to set things straight and he chose not to. Quite frankly, as far as I'm concerned, that means he's missed the boat. You don't owe him anything. And who says it would have worked out anyway? He seems an unreliable sort to me. Is that really the kind of person you need in your life after all you've been through? I know you're frightened to commit, Lindsay, but you can trust me to be there for you, I swear. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, draw in all of your courage and take a blind leap of faith. I'll catch you, I promise. I won't ever give you cause to regret it."

Lindsay said nothing, her mind still whirling with a welter of contradictory thoughts and emotions. Sometimes Steven was so damn reasonable, she wanted to scream. It was part of what she loved about him, but it could also grate on her nerves. It was almost as if she could do whatever she liked and he'd forgive her. His anger tonight had been welcome in a way. The understanding and patience that followed his outburst was what she'd come to expect from him, but it was the sharp, furious words that had soothed her inner agitation. If he'd let this slide without even a murmur of discontent, she'd have been worried. He liked to take care of her, and she needed that, but there were limits to that kind of thing. She didn't want to be mollycoddled - just loved, cherished and respected for who she was.

Taking her silence as acquiescence, Steven slid his fingers under her chin and tilted her face up to kiss her. Lindsay's mouth automatically opened under the pressure of his as he rolled her underneath him and deepened the embrace, his hands moving possessively down her body. When his exploring lips left her mouth to caress the sensitive skin of her throat, Lindsay arched her neck and surrendered to all that he was offering her.

He was right. There was no going back now. She had everything she ever wanted in Miami – a good job, a nice apartment, friends and a boyfriend who adored her. She was living the existence that she had only ever dreamed of before. Danny was simply one chapter in her life not the entire book. It was finally time for her to turn the page on him and go on with the rest of the story. She didn't know where it would lead her, but it was the path of least uncertainty and that was the road that she needed to take right now. For better or worse, she'd made her choice and now she was going to stick by it.

OOOOOO

Driven from his bed by habitual insomnia, Danny idly wandered the deserted beach with no real sense of where he was going. He was haunted by the memory of Lindsay's lips pressed against his. He knew she'd only meant the kiss as some sort of misplaced comfort, but he'd been craving her touch for so long that he hadn't been able to stop himself from taking more than she'd been intending to give. When he'd drawn back and seen the panic and remorse in her eyes, it had been like a kick in the teeth. It was no more than he expected, no more than he deserved, but it had hurt all the same.

He'd told her it was goodbye, but he knew it was anything but. For two years, he'd tried to put her behind him. He had said and done some terrible things. He'd hurt her beyond all imagining and he knew that they couldn't just erase everything that had happened between them. When a couple of weeks into his hospital stay he'd finally been able to see things clearly for the first time in months, he'd been crushed by the weight of his guilt and shame. He'd hurt himself, Rikki Sandoval too, but worst of all, he'd hurt the one person he cared about above all others.

Blaming himself, he had made the painful decision not to contact or go after her. He reasoned Lindsay was better off without him. What they'd had had been damaged beyond repair by his actions. Sure, she might be able to forgive him in time, but could they really move past it and go back to the way things were? It would always be there between them whether they liked it or not. So why cause them both more pain by trying to mend something that was irreparably broken?

It had all made logical sense at the time, but, in the intervening two years, he hadn't been able to shake the 'what ifs?' no matter how hard he tried. The letter he'd felt driven to write purged him of some of that, but it didn't erase it completely. And now he was here, with Lindsay so close and yet still so out of reach. Sometime during the last few days, he'd come to the conclusion that he didn't want it to end. Maybe they couldn't go back to the way things were, but they could possibly find a new place to be if they were both willing to make the effort.

Common sense told him that it was already too late, but the less rational side of him refused to give up. How would he know unless he tried? Ok so he'd lost her as a result of his own actions but she wasn't indifferent to him - the way she'd responded to his kiss today had proved that.

And was this Steven really the right guy for her anyway? He knew he was a less than impartial judge on the matter, but there was just something about the guy that didn't sit right with the woman he knew Lindsay to be. She'd lost something in the two years since he'd last seen her, some of her quirkiness, the side of her personality that had made her his Montana. Maybe that change was mostly down to him and what he'd done, but he couldn't help but feel that Steven was also a factor in it. What had she said earlier?

"Steven is good for me. I know where I am with him. There are no hidden layers. We just… are. He makes me feel safe."

All highly reasonable but slightly too pat in his opinion. Was safe really what she wanted or was it just a defence mechanism against getting hurt again? Maybe he couldn't be steady and reliable in the traditional sense, but he could give her the security she needed in another way if she'd let him. Would she ever be able to do that after the way he'd betrayed her though? His brain may have been short-circuiting at the time, but he'd completely ruined the trust that existed between them – taken a massive sledgehammer to it in fact.

And it was that which he found most difficult to reconcile. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself that what he'd been going through had caused him to act out of character, he was the one who'd done those things in the end. The guilt and pain over Ruben had upped the ante on his aggression, messed with his sense of what was right and wrong, but he'd acted out of his own free will on some level. Months of therapy hadn't cured him of that sense of responsibility, he wasn't sure anything ever would.

Was that why he felt so culpable now about going for what he wanted? Was it right or fair? What if Lindsay agreed to try again and then regretted it? He would have destroyed her life twice over, and, although he got the impression that Steven could occasionally be a bit of a martyr, he didn't think the man would stand for being made a complete fool of. He hadn't gotten where he had in life by being a complete pushover that was for sure.

And yet, he still loved her. That's what it came down to in the end. He loved her and hated not having her in his life. In spite of his friends, his family and his work, he was horribly lonely, more so than he'd ever been in his entire life. If there was even the smallest possibility that she would give him another chance to prove that he was worthy of her trust then he had to go for it. How could he not? How could he live with himself if he let her slip through his fingers a second time?

No, there was only one option. He had to fight. He would be man enough to admit defeat if it came to that, but out-and-out surrender wasn't in his vocabulary. It never had been. Years before, he'd rejected the life his brother had chosen, the one that had been offered to him, and had decided to make something of himself instead. It would have been easier to give in but he hadn't. He'd fought the trappings of his roots and won his freedom the hard way. He would fight for Lindsay now. Win or lose, at least he'd know. There would no longer be any uncertainty. He could move on without the what-ifs, whatever the outcome.

His mind finally made up about where he went from here, he turned and slowly made his way back to the hotel, Tomorrow he would talk to her, he resolved. Tomorrow he would find a way to say all the things he wanted to say. Tomorrow, they would finally start to move on…

To be continued…

OOOOOO

Author's Notes 2: Re: Danny's breakdown. I had lots of ideas about what could have happened to Danny – a brain tumour that made him act out of character for one. I know - way too cliché, that's why I discarded it. I decided this would be more interesting to explore. Some may see it as far-fetched but I don't necessarily think so – not after what has happened to him in the last few years – the police officer he accidentally shot in Season 1, for instance; Aiden's murder; the situation with his brother (is he dead? It's a mystery!), plus what happened to Flack in the bomb blast at the end of Season 2. And then there was Ruben, Rikki and losing Lindsay because of how he reacted to that situation. After all that emotional trauma, it didn't seem that unusual that he'd eventually succumb to depression in a big way. After all, Danny Messer never does anything by halves, does he?

P.S There may be another delay in the posting of the next chapter to this but I hope this keeps you going in the meantime!